Domestic Violence Charges against Exhusband

[LdiJ]

That's a strange thing for a mediator to say - and suggests some biases rather than dealing with cases as they come.

My daughter is thriving on 50:50 with alternating week schedules. I know some other kids who have adapted well to it, also.

Is it right for everyone? Obviously not. But to take the position that you'd NEVER recommend it is a mistake, IMHO.

Misto, I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said. I have worked with children a lot in my lifetime in a volunteer capacity. Kids tend to talk to me and every child I ever met that lived in a 50/50 situation hated it. The worst situation (which doesn't apply in your case) is when both parents were remarried and they had new siblings in each home who didn't have to switch. Those children felt like they were visitors in both homes and had no real home of their own, no privacy and no control over their "stuff". All of the kids wanted to spend a lot of time with both parents but all of the kids wanted just ONE home.

They also hated to have to adapt to differing rules/schedules. I taught a volunteer, after school spanish class at my daughter's elementary school and one little girl was so frustrated because she could only attend during mommy's week...somehow it didn't work with daddy's after school arrangements. Of course other children had problems with stepparent/new significant others and some just seemed to want a consistent life.

I did know one family who did a wonderful job of making it work. They both lived in the same neighborhood, and gave the children free range to go in and out of both households, they were only strict on where the children slept at night. They communicated well and tried very hard to be consistent between households. The children even had the same bus stop for both houses even though they were about 3 blocks apart. The kids got to hang out with the same friends and basically had an ideal situation.

Even with them though, it seemed to fall apart when each child reached about 15/16. The kids got fed up with the back and forth and everything that entailed.

Most of the kids who talked to me over the years were "venting". Neither of their parents knew how they really felt and they just wanted to vent to a neutral person. I never shared their vents with anyone. They loved both of their parents and didn't want to hurt the feelings of either.

So, I can honestly understand why a mediator might have that viewpoint. Really good parents can make 50/50 work...maybe even for the child's entire lifetime, but the reality of things is that every single adult in this world has to admit that changing homes every other week, or heaven forbid, every other day, would get older than heck in a pretty short amount of time...particularly if they had to adapt to changing household dynamics.

Why parents feel that their children can be happy with a lifestyle that they themselves couldn't live with is beyond me.

I will never forget how jealous my daughter's friends were that she got to see and spend time with her daddy every day, but she didn't have to "switch"...that she just had one home. I will never forget how much our daughter thanked both of us that she didn't have to do that.

50/50 is great for parents, its not necessarily great for kids.

 

[mistoffolees]

Misto, I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said. I have worked with children a lot in my lifetime in a volunteer capacity. Kids tend to talk to me and every child I ever met that lived in a 50/50 situation hated it.
[snip]

50/50 is great for parents, its not necessarily great for kids.

Once again, the great Ldij knows what's best for everyone.

Sorry, but I happen to know my daughter just a bit better than you do. She's very happy with 50:50. Lots of experts also state that when the parents cooperate that 50:50 is an ideal situation.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

A friend of my daughter has 50/50. Dad lives two blocks in one direction. Mom lives two blocks in the opposite direction. They change out on Mondays so that the kids see both parents in the same week.

It was a struggle in the beginning, but the kids have really adapted. The kids are close enough that they can go see the other parent for a while and not disrupt the whole process.

It is MOM who had the hardest time with the communication issue. Dad landed up getting the whole school district to reconsider how mailings were done. All mailings now go to BOTH parents.

 

[rbw5147]

Well, Cheryl the issue of not being able to co-parent 50/50 has not been yours. It has certainly been an ongoing and perpetuating problem for your ex and his wife to pull their own weight in your custody situation, regarding co parenting.


You don't seem to be the type of mother that wants to hurt her daughter's relationship with her father, however he and his wife have done nothing to facilitate anything positive at all. If anyone needs to be concerned about losing 50/50 custody, and if all the facts are laid on the table, I would bet it's your ex that stands something to lose.


All children are different and have different needs. Ok, so Ldg has met many children that 50/50 didn't appear to fufill their needs and Misto's daughter is thriving. There's no straight answer and no reason to insult anybody because of a differing opinion regarding parenting styles. Actually IMO it's not so much about the parenting styles and custody arrangements, it's about doing whatever needs to be done, within the individual custody arrangement, to make sure that the child's needs are met and doing whatever needs to be done to make that child feel secure, loved, and wanted... in BOTH homes.

 

[LdiJ]

Once again, the great Ldij knows what's best for everyone.

Sorry, but I happen to know my daughter just a bit better than you do. She's very happy with 50:50. Lots of experts also state that when the parents cooperate that 50:50 is an ideal situation.

What does your daughter have to do with this thread?...other than the offchance that she might not be revealing all to you? I said up front that your daughter is not dealing with the worst case scenario.

My post had nothing to do with your daughter.

My post was a thoughtful discourse on 50/50 custody. If you are unwilling to engage in a thoughtful discourse on the subject of 50/50 custody, outside of your own situation, then why did you even respond?

 

[CJane]

Once again, the great Ldij knows what's best for everyone.

Sorry, but I happen to know my daughter just a bit better than you do. She's very happy with 50:50. Lots of experts also state that when the parents cooperate that 50:50 is an ideal situation.

And of course, what Ldi must have REALLY meant is that you're wrong about your child.

Because she said that 50/50 NEVER EVER works. And said that specifically in YOUR case, YOUR child is secretly unhappy.

indeed.

In other news... My ex and I do a 2 week on/2 week off thing in the summer, and it's actually BETTER for everyone than the year round plan that we used to have in which we switched mid-week every week.

The girls get to spend a large block of time in each household, and really settle into the rhythms, which they tend to be less able to do in a week (or just a few days as our old schedule was). Both their father and I have an additional child -- born within just a few months of each other -- who never have to switch out. And yes, sometimes that's weird for them.

I DO think that as they get older, and it the disparity between rules and expectations and dynamics becomes larger, it will be very interesting to see how the kids do. Things like dating, appropriate clothing, cell phones, boy/girl parties, driving, having a job, community service, etc are all things that already show the potential for contentiousness and kiddos are only 13 and 10.

When the kids get older, how does it work if kiddo can drive @ Mom's, but not @ Dad's? Or Dad wants her to volunteer at church every Saturday, but Mom thinks she should be volunteering @ the animal shelter and kiddo wants to do BOTH? Or when Mom thinks kiddo should have a job in the summer, but Dad doesn't think she should? It's one thing to work out a schedule where you're available all but one night/week. It's another entirely to attempt to work a summer job in two week (or one week, or e/o day) blocks.

CAN it work? Of course. Anything in this world CAN work. Is it IDEAL in ALL situations at ALL ages? Of course not. Because children are not gingerbread men.

 

[mistoffolees]

And of course, what Ldi must have REALLY meant is that you're wrong about your child.

Because she said that 50/50 NEVER EVER works. And said that specifically in YOUR case, YOUR child is secretly unhappy.

indeed.

Yes, that was exactly the point.

 

[CJane]

Yes, that was exactly the point.

I know.

Just to help you out:

What Ldi said is that 50/50 is "not necessarily great for kids".

According to Merriam-Webster (and yes, I know, you're not a fan of them)

nec·es·sar·i·ly
adv \ˌne-sə-ˈser-ə-lē\
Definition of NECESSARILY
1: of necessity : unavoidably
2: as a logical result or consequence

So, 50/50 is not unavoidably great for kids.

Do tell how that statement is different than what YOU said in the quote she posted, which is:

"Is it great for everyone? Obviously not."

Because, ya know, it seems to me that as much as it galls you, those two statements are crazy similar.

 

[mistoffolees]

I know.

Just to help you out:

What Ldi said is that 50/50 is "not necessarily great for kids".

According to Merriam-Webster (and yes, I know, you're not a fan of them)

nec·es·sar·i·ly
adv \ˌne-sə-ˈser-ə-lē\
Definition of NECESSARILY
1: of necessity : unavoidably
2: as a logical result or consequence

So, 50/50 is not unavoidably great for kids.

Do tell how that statement is different than what YOU said in the quote she posted, which is:

"Is it great for everyone? Obviously not."

Because, ya know, it seems to me that as much as it galls you, those two statements are crazy similar.

Not at all. Ldij also said:
"I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said."
and
"Those children felt like they were visitors in both homes and had no real home of their own, no privacy and no control over their "stuff". All of the kids wanted to spend a lot of time with both parents but all of the kids wanted just ONE home." (note the word 'all')
and
"Why parents feel that their children can be happy with a lifestyle that they themselves couldn't live with is beyond me"
and
"Kids tend to talk to me and every child I ever met that lived in a 50/50 situation hated it."

Why is it that you ignored all of those very clear statements?

CLEARLY, Ldij was saying that 50:50 doesn't work - when at least two posters here who have 50:50 disagree. Of course, in her usual inimitable style, she'll take that kind of hard core stance and then throw in a word or two to give deniability.

The entire post strongly states that 50:50 doesn't work and is bad for the kids. My view is the exact opposite. If the parents are responsible adults and if the physical constraints (distance, etc) are conducive to 50:50, it is most likely the BEST option.

 

[cherylsarah01]

My thoughts.....

I have read both sides and in my daughter's particular situation it falls under what Ldij said. Who is to blame for this, the parents, yes me. In no way shape or form do the exhusband and I have an ideal 50/50 situation for the child to succeed and feel good.

Although this is hard for me to write I am going to be honest. It is good for some but not for all. Before I knew of the domestic violence in his home and the severity of the situation neither me or ex has been perfect, but I will say I have tried to stick to it a hell of a lot better than him. My huge mistake is moving out of her school district due to being laid off from my long time job with GE Mortgage and having to afford a home. No matter what the reason is I am out of her school district and it affects her. I have tried to be in denial and tell myself that it's no big deal but it is and I will say it again it affects her.

The list of all the things that are very wrong for us to be having 50/50 is very long and we have no business having 50/50 because at this point it is only for us and not benefiting her much. We have no communication and there is no cohesiveness, is that a word, between the two homes. At some point I was thinking to myself for the sake of my daughter's well being do I take visitation and let him have physical? I knew in my heart that it would have to come from me to give him physical custody and take visitation. I was even preparing myself emotionally for when that day would come. For my daughter, for her sanity, for her well being, for her stability, for her security and for her happiness.

Well now besides everything else there is the domestic violence and that changes everything. I will do everything I can to give her sanity, well being, stability, security and happiness in my home but only a judge can decide that.

I will come back and update you all on how the coparenting classes are going and how her therapy is progressing and of course how the next mediation and court date go.

Those are my thoughts on MY particular situation.

 

[LdiJ]

Not at all. Ldij also said:
"I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said."
and
"Those children felt like they were visitors in both homes and had no real home of their own, no privacy and no control over their "stuff". All of the kids wanted to spend a lot of time with both parents but all of the kids wanted just ONE home." (note the word 'all')
and
"Why parents feel that their children can be happy with a lifestyle that they themselves couldn't live with is beyond me"
and
"Kids tend to talk to me and every child I ever met that lived in a 50/50 situation hated it."

Why is it that you ignored all of those very clear statements?

CLEARLY, Ldij was saying that 50:50 doesn't work - when at least two posters here who have 50:50 disagree. Of course, in her usual inimitable style, she'll take that kind of hard core stance and then throw in a word or two to give deniability.

The entire post strongly states that 50:50 doesn't work and is bad for the kids. My view is the exact opposite. If the parents are responsible adults and if the physical constraints (distance, etc) are conducive to 50:50, it is most likely the BEST option.

Of course you neglected to take into consideration an example I gave of a family who did a beautiful job of it. It only fell apart when the children were teens.

I cannot help the fact that I haven't known any children in 50/50 situations that were happy about it. (except that one set of children before they became teens)

Opinions get formed by experiences and observing others. You are in a 50/50 situation that apparently is working quite well. Therefore that is what is going to form your primary opinion.

 

[mistoffolees]

Of course you neglected to take into consideration an example I gave of a family who did a beautiful job of it. It only fell apart when the children were teens.

I cannot help the fact that I haven't known any children in 50/50 situations that were happy about it. (except that one set of children before they became teens)

Opinions get formed by experiences and observing others. You are in a 50/50 situation that apparently is working quite well. Therefore that is what is going to form your primary opinion.

You flat out made a statement that you're opposed to 50:50 and have shot it down every chance you get. You have stated that it doesn't work (even the one positive example you gave didn't work permanently).

I really wish you'd stop making your flat proclamations such as "all the kids just wanted one home" and your insistence in taking sides based on your opinion ("I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said.").

You are entitled to your opinion. But your standard practice is to immediately try to force your opinion on others and people resent it.

 

[LdiJ]

You flat out made a statement that you're opposed to 50:50 and have shot it down every chance you get. You have stated that it doesn't work (even the one positive example you gave didn't work permanently).

I really wish you'd stop making your flat proclamations such as "all the kids just wanted one home" and your insistence in taking sides based on your opinion ("I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said.").

You are entitled to your opinion. But your standard practice is to immediately try to force your opinion on others and people resent it.

Misto, expressing my opinion isn't forcing it on others any more than you expressing your opinion is forcing it on others. You are quite forceful with your opinions as well.

You also tend to read things in posts that are not there, yet turn around and complain that others read things in your posts that are not there.

"I have always been pretty anti 50/50 for similar reasons to what the mediator said" is not in any way a forceful statement. It was an indication that I have similar opinions to the mediator...and I explained why. None of that was a "proclaimation". It was a thoughtful discourse on a specific subject.

In my state a judge absolutely will not order 50/50 unless it is something agreed on by the parents, because the prevailing theory is that it takes a lots of good cooperation to work well.