Father wants too much info on my friend

[nythng4mygrl]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? LA

I have not dated or had a boyfriend in almost 4 years. In the last few months I have been spending time with a male friend. He and I go to church, our kids play together, and we spend alot of time with each other. I asked dad in the past if he would swap weekends with me so that my friend and I can enjoy our kids together and go on outings. Now i received an almost 4 page email requesting his name, where he lives, how far from my house he lives from me, and if he is spending the night while our daughter is with me. My reply to him is that we are not serious that we are friends, it is non of his business, and he does not spend the night at my house whether our daughter is with me or not. I never implied that we were dating. He has agreed to swap weekends with me, but insists on knowing my friends' background. My friend does not have a criminal background, and actually has sole custody of his toddler. This friendship can very well turn into the next level, but right now, it is platonic and everytime I date, it is WWII with the ex. Am I wrong? He didn't give me any notice on his wife when they began dating years ago and I never pryed into his love life. I feel that what happens with me when my daughter is in my custody is my business as long as it is legal and I obey the Court Order. Please advise. This is really bothering me, and I do not want to battle through email war with him. Thanks.

 

[ecmst12]

Just ignore him. You don't need to tell him a thing.

 

[nythng4mygrl]

That is exactly what I thought. Thank you.

 

[Just Blue]

Just ignore him. You don't need to tell him a thing.

This is true. And Dad doesn't have to swap weekends either.

 

[nythng4mygrl]

I am perfectly aware that dad doesn't have to swap weekends. That really doesn't bother me anyway, because he does not exercise his weekends most of the time anyway. He hasn't seen our daughter in 5 weeks. We usually work everything out together as adults and have gotten along really well for these past couple of years, but when this particular issue came up, he blew up at me and unfortunately this is our first argument in a really really long time. I am just trying to choose my battles wisely and feel strong about this one issue.

 

[Isis1]

next time he asks, tell him it's fidel castro and end the conversation.

 

[LdiJ]

I am perfectly aware that dad doesn't have to swap weekends. That really doesn't bother me anyway, because he does not exercise his weekends most of the time anyway. He hasn't seen our daughter in 5 weeks. We usually work everything out together as adults and have gotten along really well for these past couple of years, but when this particular issue came up, he blew up at me and unfortunately this is our first argument in a really really long time. I am just trying to choose my battles wisely and feel strong about this one issue.

If dad tends not to exercise all his weekends anyway, then it might save a lot of bother not to ask him to swap at all. That avoids you having to give him any explanation at all. Thus avoiding him blowing up over things that are none of his business.

However, it truly is none of his business, and you could calmly remind him that he didn't give you any notice at all when he started having his wife around your mutual child.

 

[mistoffolees]

If dad tends not to exercise all his weekends anyway, then it might save a lot of bother not to ask him to swap at all. That avoids you having to give him any explanation at all. Thus avoiding him blowing up over things that are none of his business.

However, it truly is none of his business, and you could calmly remind him that he didn't give you any notice at all when he started having his wife around your mutual child.

That's all fine, but I would encourage OP to be the mature one - and release appropriate levels of information at appropriate times.

When you're simply dating, ex doesn't need to know anything. But as the relationship progresses and ex will be spending time with your child(ren), then it would be polite to let ex know at least a little bit ('John is an engineer who lives in Dallas'). If it progresses to the point that the new guy is going to be spending a lot of time with the children, then a little more information might be appropriate.

First, he's going to find out, anyway. Would you rather volunteer the information or have him grilling the kids?

Second, he has a legitimate concern about the safety of the kids. It is not unreasonable to be proactive in easing those concerns.

Do you have to do those things? No. But sometimes life is a little smoother if you do more than you actually have to do, especially when it doesn't cost you anything.

 

[LdiJ]

That's all fine, but I would encourage OP to be the mature one - and release appropriate levels of information at appropriate times.

When you're simply dating, ex doesn't need to know anything. But as the relationship progresses and ex will be spending time with your child(ren), then it would be polite to let ex know at least a little bit ('John is an engineer who lives in Dallas'). If it progresses to the point that the new guy is going to be spending a lot of time with the children, then a little more information might be appropriate.

First, he's going to find out, anyway. Would you rather volunteer the information or have him grilling the kids?

Second, he has a legitimate concern about the safety of the kids. It is not unreasonable to be proactive in easing those concerns.

Do you have to do those things? No. But sometimes life is a little smoother if you do more than you actually have to do, especially when it doesn't cost you anything.

I agree that giving an appropriate amount of information at the appropriate time is reasonable and the best way to go.

However...if dad gets to be concerned about the safety of his children around mom's boyfriends, then mom should have been able to be concerned about the safety of her children around dad's previous girlfriend, now wife. Its a little sexist to say otherwise...and its a courtesy that dad did not extent to her.

Mom did state that: "everytime I date, it is WWII with the ex." That sounds to me like one of those ex's who still feels possessive about the other parent. Its surprising just how often that happens, with either gender.

She also said that she hadn't dated or had a boyfriend in 4 years, so its not like she has a history of men in and out of her life.

 

[HomeGuru]

next time he asks, tell him it's fidel castro and end the conversation.

**A: hahaha. fidel isn't allowed to date.

 

[mistoffolees]

However...if dad gets to be concerned about the safety of his children around mom's boyfriends, then mom should have been able to be concerned about the safety of her children around dad's previous girlfriend, now wife. Its a little sexist to say otherwise...and its a courtesy that dad did not extent to her.

I never said that it didn't apply to him. But I can't go back in time and make that recommendation to someone who probably wasn't even here.

I also stated that OP had the chance to be the mature one - which goes with the premise that EACH of them SHOULD BE giving appropriate levels of information to the other. She can't control him - she can only control herself.

 

[CJane]

Just ignore him. You don't need to tell him a thing.

This does NOT mean that you should respond with "It's none of your business what I do on my time! OR who the kids are with!"

IF you feel a response is required, something along the lines of: "If and when our relationship progresses to a level beyond friendship, I will let you know." is appropriate.

His "legitimate concerns" about the safety of his children are, IMO, hogwash. You're considered a fit parent, capable of keeping the children safe. Him having a whole bunch of info about someone isn't going to make them MORE safe.

 

[nythng4mygrl]

Thank you for the excellent advice. I emailed him earlier and informed him that we are friends, and that he adores our daughter and she adores him. I told him that if this grows into anything further on in the future that I would give more information and even introduce them, but that I would appreciate it if he left the subject alone for now. The last time this happened, my ex harassed my boyfriend and I constantly. I don't want to entertain it right now. When his wife and he were dating, i had no say so, and her son was beating the crap out of my then 2 year old and he was 8. I did however take legal action and since this was happening when dad was not around, the then girlfriend was ordered by the judge to not be left alone with our daughter. I don't want to hide information, but what if this friendship does not move up a notch? My daughter knows that we are just friends, but she keeps hinting to both of us that we look cute together, which just makes my face turn beet red. lol I guess kids will be kids!

 

[CSO286]

Thank you for the excellent advice. I emailed him earlier and informed him that we are friends, and that he adores our daughter and she adores him. I told him that if this grows into anything further on in the future that I would give more information and even introduce them, but that I would appreciate it if he left the subject alone for now. The last time this happened, my ex harassed my boyfriend and I constantly. I don't want to entertain it right now. When his wife and he were dating, i had no say so, and her son was beating the crap out of my then 2 year old and he was 8. I did however take legal action and since this was happening when dad was not around, the then girlfriend was ordered by the judge to not be left alone with our daughter. I don't want to hide information, but what if this friendship does not move up a notch? My daughter knows that we are just friends, but she keeps hinting to both of us that we look cute together, which just makes my face turn beet red. lol I guess kids will be kids!

So, don't hide anything. Let him know that "John and I are dating. He's a fireman from Jersey and he's a great guy." When/if things get really serious (like there is a rock and a date), plan an outdoor picnic or something special for small fry and have both couples there--Dad and SM, Mom and her fiance.
Right now, Dad doesn't need to know anything about your friends, male or female.But be nice when discussing this.
My two cents.

 

[acmb05]

Thank you for the excellent advice. I emailed him earlier and informed him that we are friends, and that he adores our daughter and she adores him. I told him that if this grows into anything further on in the future that I would give more information and even introduce them, but that I would appreciate it if he left the subject alone for now. The last time this happened, my ex harassed my boyfriend and I constantly. I don't want to entertain it right now. When his wife and he were dating, i had no say so, and her son was beating the crap out of my then 2 year old and he was 8. I did however take legal action and since this was happening when dad was not around, the then girlfriend was ordered by the judge to not be left alone with our daughter. I don't want to hide information, but what if this friendship does not move up a notch? My daughter knows that we are just friends, but she keeps hinting to both of us that we look cute together, which just makes my face turn beet red. lol I guess kids will be kids!

I have it in my divorce that ANY person of the opposite sex who the other parent will have the children around must have a background check done if the other parent requests one. This applies to me and my ex.

Quite frankly I want to know exactly who is going to spend time around our children. God knows I have made a couple bad choices and so has my ex. You see people will believe what others tell them nowadays without learning the facts themselves.

Here is a scenario for you ( this actually happened) Mom started hanging out with a guy at work, they were just friends. When mom had the kids she would take them to the park and invite her friend and they would sit and talk while the kids played. Didn't mind at all when mom would run to the store and he would watch the kids for half an hour or so.
When dad asked for a little information about the guy because he was around the kids mom said basically the same thing OP has in her post. We are just friends, he is a nice guy, blah,blah,blah.

Turns out the guy was a pedophile from another state. His whole plan involved getting friendly with single woman with kids to he could get close to them.

My point is no one knows for sure unless they check it out themselves. Don't ever take someone's word for anything they did before you met.