Weak Grounds for Emergency Custody?

[Shears]

There's a woman on another board I go to sometimes who has a dd that is pretty difficult - she was a preemie, has ODD, ADD, sensory issues...

She has a new book she got on personality and discipline strategies, etc. She said it's Working Wonders... I'll ask her what book it is for you if you'd like.

Not sure if you were talking to Rushia, or me, but I'd like the name of the book, too, if you don't mind!

 

[stealth2]

I think this will be the last response I make on this thread to judgmental, ignorant comments.

My problem with my ex's roommates is her lack of disclosure, and the frequent in and out in my son's life.

I had been with my wife (girlfriend at the time) for 2 years. We got engaged. I *asked* my ex if she would agree to *allow* me to live with my fiancee, after we got engaged. That's what respectful people do in this situation.

My ex agreed, in writing. If she had not, I would not have moved in.

I try to do things the right way on my end, and understand my responsibility to my son and to our custody agreement, having taken both into account before I made my decision.

I am finding the constructive comments (not necessary in agreement with me, btw, but constructive and accurate) from others very helpful though, so if anyone with a few cups of coffee and time on their hands feels like reading and contributing, please continue to do so. And thank you for all the advice and resources.

DUDE... we go ONLY by what YOU post. Did you add ANY of that in your post about you and your now-wife living together for two years, while you were whining about Mom having roommates? No, you did not. So don't get all pissy when people comment on what you actually included instead of your little backstory. If you wanted us to take all that in consideration? You'd have included it in the first place.

 

[Rushia]

I'm not sure I know how to get this point across, but...

It seems like in the legal world, e.g., the last time we were in court, so many claims 'against' another parent are looked at as part of the game. I know in my bones what my son needs, and I know in my bones how Mom is contributing to it and obstructing the treatment of it, and I don't know how to get the judge to take it seriously and really think about our son and not 'the fight'.

Do I need to present the court with evidence from a doctor that says proves the diagnoses, the causes, and the treatment, and specifically names who, based on their evaluation, can best provide that environment?

And if so, do you know the best route to find someone that is both knowledgable in this psychiatric area AND able to be an objective party, approved by the court (however that works!), and not shown to be 'on my side'? I'm not looking for someone on my side. I'm looking for someone to enforce my son's needs. If that means a doctor explaining things to the judge in a manner that makes the judge force my ex-wife to do what she needs to do to stop moving homes and schools, and give our son some basic rules, guidance, and nutrition, and pay attention to his behavior, and take him to the doctor without my having to beg her to notice him, I would absolutely take that.

Yes, you need a psychologist to testify. Think expert witness.

Did i miss something? Does mom have ODD?

No the child does and his explanation of the condition and his reasoning on why HE thinks Mom is contributing to the problem. As a Mom dealing with the same condition, he's probably right. He's dealing with MOM, I got the gps's doing it.

There's a woman on another board I go to sometimes who has a dd that is pretty difficult - she was a preemie, has ODD, ADD, sensory issues...

She has a new book she got on personality and discipline strategies, etc. She said it's Working Wonders... I'll ask her what book it is for you if you'd like.

Thank you. I'd like that.

 

[futuredust]

I, too, would like the name of that book.

Thanks.

 

[daisyddva]

Here in my state, it would be

Some of you people are just mean. I got what he saying through the long writings.

1. Mom keeps moving, that is instability for the child.
Here you must give the courts and other parent 30 day notification of intended move. That gives the other parent enough time to object. You can ask the judge to stop the move.
2. It is sadly looked upon here, if a child has to share a room with a non sibling.
3. He can file for an adjustment on the support, since it was awarded for payment of a private school and the mother removed the child, but kept the money. (dad, that's easily proven, by the school records)
4. It sounds like the mother is hoping around, and that is never good for the child. If there is medical problems, as ADD, ODD and so forth, it is even worse for the child because these children need constant structure and routines, day to day.
If you have to use medical info, then do it. I recently saw this. The child was allergic to cats, the dad had a cat, knowing the child was allergic, as well as the girlfriend and other child. Dad could not put the welfare of his own child in front of his wants. (the child stayed sick, breathing treatments, asthma, etc. and the mom was taking care of all medical stuff) So when it was shown by medical records how the child had not been sick in some time, removed from allergy meds, breathing machine and so forth after mother removed them from the home. It helped alot.

Not to keep going on, but medical conditions can be serious and it takes alot of time to work through them and get them to where they need to be.
ODD is serious and not a chemical fix situation. ODD is developed by children, mostly in part of how they were raised and lived. (extensive work with ODD)

 

[Proserpina]

Some of you people are just mean. I got what he saying through the long writings.

1. Mom keeps moving, that is instability for the child.
Here you must give the courts and other parent 30 day notification of intended move. That gives the other parent enough time to object. You can ask the judge to stop the move.
2. It is sadly looked upon here, if a child has to share a room with a non sibling.
3. He can file for an adjustment on the support, since it was awarded for payment of a private school and the mother removed the child, but kept the money. (dad, that's easily proven, by the school records)
4. It sounds like the mother is hoping around, and that is never good for the child. If there is medical problems, as ADD, ODD and so forth, it is even worse for the child because these children need constant structure and routines, day to day.
If you have to use medical info, then do it. I recently saw this. The child was allergic to cats, the dad had a cat, knowing the child was allergic, as well as the girlfriend and other child. Dad could not put the welfare of his own child in front of his wants. (the child stayed sick, breathing treatments, asthma, etc. and the mom was taking care of all medical stuff) So when it was shown by medical records how the child had not been sick in some time, removed from allergy meds, breathing machine and so forth after mother removed them from the home. It helped alot.

Not to keep going on, but medical conditions can be serious and it takes alot of time to work through them and get them to where they need to be.
ODD is serious and not a chemical fix situation. ODD is developed by children, mostly in part of how they were raised and lived. (extensive work with ODD)

I guess you're going to call me really mean, but daisy seriously - how much of this is relevant in OP's state, to OP's case?

 

[daisyddva]

I had to accept it

It should all be relevent in his state and case.
Sometimes people are emotional, but he seems to really care about what is happening to his child.

Wish alot of fathers would do that, or at least try.

 

[CJane]

OP -- here's something you need to seriously think about...

It's EASY to list all of the ways that Mom's life is unstable, and all of the causes for ODD, and put them next to each other and say AH HA! And "blame" her for the issues.

But, put the shoe on the other foot...

1) Limits set by parents are too harsh or too lax, or an inconsistent mix of both.

****Would MOM say that YOU are too harsh?
****How much of the "inconsistency" is Mom's fault exclusively? It's sort of a given that you'll parent differently.

2) Family life lacks clear structure; rules, limits, and discipline are uncertain or inconsistently applied.
****See above

3) At least one parent models oppositional behavior in his or her own interactions with others. For example, mother or father may get into frequent disputes with neighbors, store clerks, other family members, etc., in front of the child.
****Clearly, you have an oppositional relationship with Mom. And I'm sorry, no matter how well you try to hid that from kiddo, he KNOWS that you have serious issues with her.

4) At least one parent is emotionally or physically unavailable to the child due to emotional problems of the parent (such as depression), separation or divorce, or work hours.
****What are your work hours?
****How much actual non-school time do you spend with kiddo RIGHT NOW?

"There is a strong correlation between children diagnosed with conduct disorder and a significant level of family dysfunction, poor parenting practices, an overemphasis on coercion and hostile communication patterns, verbal and physical aggression and a history of maltreatment"
****I would call offering to "buy" the child from Mom to the tune of $400/month for a year an overemphasis on coercion. And the fact that it even occurred to you is a pretty big deal.

See where I'm going with this? All of your kid's issues can't be Mom's fault. And the fact that you want them to be screams volumes.

Lots of kids have ODD -- doesn't mean they all have crappy parents. I'm certain Rushia is not a crappy parent.

 

[Isis1]

It should all be relevent in his state and case.
Sometimes people are emotional, but he seems to really care about what is happening to his child.

Wish alot of fathers would do that, or at least try.

You are in VA. what state is the op in?

 

[Proserpina]

You are in VA. what state is the op in?

Not VA


(I'm allowed to answer, right? )

 

[stealth2]

I guess you're going to call me really mean, but daisy seriously - how much of this is relevant in OP's state, to OP's case?

I have no doubt that I'm one of the "mean" ones. It shatters me.... Not.

 

[Just Blue]

It should all be relevent in his state and case.
Sometimes people are emotional, but he seems to really care about what is happening to his child.

Wish alot of fathers would do that, or at least try.

You want to help the OP? Start by posting RELIVENT CASE LAW for his state. If you can't...Then sit down and FOCUS.

 

[LdiJ]

I think this will be the last response I make on this thread to judgmental, ignorant comments.

My problem with my ex's roommates is her lack of disclosure, and the frequent in and out in my son's life.

I had been with my wife (girlfriend at the time) for 2 years. We got engaged. I *asked* my ex if she would agree to *allow* me to live with my fiancee, after we got engaged. That's what respectful people do in this situation.

My ex agreed, in writing. If she had not, I would not have moved in.

I try to do things the right way on my end, and understand my responsibility to my son and to our custody agreement, having taken both into account before I made my decision.

I am finding the constructive comments (not necessary in agreement with me, btw, but constructive and accurate) from others very helpful though, so if anyone with a few cups of coffee and time on their hands feels like reading and contributing, please continue to do so. And thank you for all the advice and resources.

Re the bolded:

That may be what you feel is the appropriate/respectful thing to do, but its absolutely not legally required, or even legally recommended. If anyone asked us if they should do that, we would tell them no.

Dad, I am seriously trying to get you to understand what is and is not legally relevant. Why?, because if you go into court talking about things that are not legally relevant, your entire message will get lost on the judge, and you will be viewed as the problem.

Quite frankly, I think that is what happened to you in 2008. I think that is why you lost in 2008 PLUS had to pay her legal fees.

I understand your concerns, but whether you go into court with a lawyer or pro se, if you focus your legal arguments on things that are not legally relevant, you will get hammered.

Let me give you some "devil's advocate" arguments here.

Many educated and caring parents feel that children are over diagnosed with "disorders" and over medicated. Therefore a good attorney can turn your argument that mom was neglectful, into an argument that mom did not agree that the child had issues that required a diagnosis and medication. A good attorney will argue that you violated joint legal custody by acting unilaterally in getting the child diagnosed and on medication.

A good attorney can also turn your concerns about the instability of mom's living arrangement back on you being a catalyst/cause of a great deal of mom's moves.

So, if you go into court complaining about mom having roommates or not disclosing that she had roommates, or not asking your permission to have roommates, all you will do is PROVE her attorney's point.

If you go into court arguing that you had to take matters into your own hands to get the child diagnosed and on medication, again, you will PROVE her attorney's point.

You have to be very careful how you present your arguments and the points that you focus on. You absolutely cannot focus your arguments on things that are legally irrelevant. You absolutely cannot focus on things that are important to you unless those things are also important legally.

Mom WILL have an attorney if you take it to court again. You got stuck with mom's legal fees last time, so that is going to give her a sense of confidence that you will get stuck with her legal fees again...even if its totally misplaced confidence.

 

[Shears]

Hi guys. I'm hearing everything you're saying.

CJane and LdiJ, I see that it really does come down to spinning the facts in the courtroom to how it suits your 'side'.

My ex does feel above the law and infallible at this point. And not scared to put out a little money at the start for an attorney again, with the confidence she'll win again and not have to pay for that attorney, and get her retainer right back. That's been evident in her lack of consideration of any laws since the last court case. She hasn't reported any of her residential moves to the court, hasn't discussed is change in schools with me twice now, which is out of line with the definition of joint legal custody. It's been very clear I'm an ATM in her eyes, and that point is validated and strengthened when someone in the position to correct this situation, and address something besides just money, doesn't (that would be the judge).

I don't think all the issues are Mom's fault; I do think most of them are. I am constantly researching how to deal with the issues my son has, how to co-parent in a situtation like this, and how to foster a healthy environment for him in the face of inconsistency. I see a therapist myself when I hit a roadbloack that I can't figure out how to work around, when the research I find on the parenting issue points to lack of structure and consistency when I know addressing that is just not an option in our situation, since he goes right back to Mom's on Monday, and her values in her own words are to make sure he gets to school and has a 'home' to return to, period. So I have to ask for professional help in the tougher situtations. I really don't know what else I can do to examine myself and change any more behaviors on my end to contribute to the solution.

CJane, my work hours are flexible, and I have my schedule arranged based on my schedule with my son. My supervisor and employer are aware of my family dynamics, and work with me a great deal. That's why I've been able to offer my ex additional child care in lieu of the consistent requests for additional money (e.g., when she decided she didn't want to work anymore and wanted to go to college for a fleeting moment). The reason I offered to help her financially transition while taking custody of my son is I know that the biggest sticking point for her in giving me physical custody is financial. Her past behaviors have always come down to the money, not our son. Before anyone hollers at me about that, my posts are already too long, so if you would like examples of interactions where I try to problem-solve when it comes to our son, and she's not happy with any solution except a financial one, let me know, I'll describe them.

In the meantime, in sticking to the legal facts, I'm working on the route of an expert witness (psychologist) to get involved and give a professional opinion as to whether or not what I see contributing to my son's issues is accurate. I'm not ignoring the advice for a GAL; I feel strongly a GAL would be able to clearly see the overall picture of the continuity, stability, and healthy environment present or lacking in either home. I'm unsure however a GAL would be able to understand and address the medical needs and implications of this situation? Do they work with doctors in their process? I think I'm going to try to incorporate both. Holler if I'm heading in the wrong direction trying both...

 

[stealth2]

GALS work with everyone involved with the child. A GAL is your best friend if you sincerely think there are issues that involve Mom; your worst enemy if you're trying to play the system.