Withheld Visitation to Father/Non-custodial parent in fear of endangering child

[strathywins]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

November 26th
On the Friday after Thanksgiving our daughter began to have diarrhea. I called the Dr.'s office and the office was closed. I then called the Dr. that was on-call for that day.

I told the Dr. that she had diarrhea that started earlier that day. She then asked me if there was any blood in the stool or any “jelly” like stool or fever. I told her that Cora had none of those symptoms and no fever, just the diarrhea.

November 27th
I texted my daughters father (the non-custodial parent) on Saturday because he was to visit with our daughter on Sunday from 10-6. I explained to him that she was to only eat a “bland” diet of rice cereal and formula and she was not to have any vegetables or fruits because, as told to me by the doctor, that could upset her stomach even more.

Her father called me right after I texted him and I asked him if he understood not to feed her anything but the bland diet of rice cereal and formula and he said that he understood. He never mentioned the need for a doctors note at that time or I would have gone to get one immediately.

November 28th
After her Sunday visit I texted her father to ask what she had eaten and to see how she did for the day. He did not respond to my text so I called him and his girlfriend answered. She informed me that our daughter did infact eat sweet potatoes for lunch. I was very upset that her father went against the doctors orders but his girlfriend informed me that she did not believe me and that we needed to get a doctors note.

November 29th
The next day was her fathers 5-9 visit. I came to his apartment to drop our daughter off and he was 20 minutes late. I asked him if he would please not feed her sweet potatoes to just feed her rice cereal and formula while she is sick. He said, “No, I'm not going to believe anything you say, I need a doctors note.” I then walked out of his door and took our daughter home because I felt that she was not going to be cared for properly and that her father was intentionally putting our daughter in danger of becoming more sick.

After getting home I felt wrong about going against the order but it conflicted with my gut feeling to protect our daughter and keep her safe and healthy. I made sure to email and text her father offering for him to make up the 4 hours.

November 29th
I also made sure that we went in to the doctors office that next morning at 7am and I offered her father to come to that visit as well so that he could be there first hand while the doctor was explaining everything to me. He did not show up. While at the doctors I received doctors orders in writing as to what to feed her for the next 3-4 days.

December 1st
I scanned and emailed these to her father as well as gave them to him in his hand on his Wednesday 5-9 visit (which was makeup for his Thursday visit because he had a Christmas party to attend).

I was never trying to keep our daughter away from her father, I was trying to make sure her best interests and safety were being taken care of by him. I do not know why he would refuse to do something that relayed to him that was told to me by a doctor but I fear that in the future this will create a danger for my daughter while in her fathers care. If our daughter was to take a certain medicine or needed to be on a certain diet I will definitely get that direction in writing no matter what but I think it would be in our daughters best interest to go by my instruction.



What do you all think of this? I am concerned with the treatment of my daughter while she is visiting with her father. If he can go against the Dr's orders what else is he doing?

I received the summons today to go to trial on her actual 1 year birthday. My daughter is 8 months now. She visits with her father every Monday from 5-9, every other Sunday from 10-6 and every other Thursday that she does not have a Sunday from 5:30-9. I have only refused him that one visit because I felt that he blatantly refused to care for her properly his interests are more about hurting me than caring for his daughter properly.

I am worried that I will go to jail or something bad will happen at the trial for this matter. I have offered for him to make up the 4 hours.

What are everyone's thoughts and suggestions about this? I owe our current lawyer over $2,000 so he is not really working for me anymore.

Thanks!

 

[futuredust]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

November 26th
On the Friday after Thanksgiving our daughter began to have diarrhea. I called the Dr.'s office and the office was closed. I then called the Dr. that was on-call for that day.

I told the Dr. that she had diarrhea that started earlier that day. She then asked me if there was any blood in the stool or any “jelly” like stool or fever. I told her that Cora had none of those symptoms and no fever, just the diarrhea.

November 27th
I texted my daughters father (the non-custodial parent) on Saturday because he was to visit with our daughter on Sunday from 10-6. I explained to him that she was to only eat a “bland” diet of rice cereal and formula and she was not to have any vegetables or fruits because, as told to me by the doctor, that could upset her stomach even more.

Her father called me right after I texted him and I asked him if he understood not to feed her anything but the bland diet of rice cereal and formula and he said that he understood. He never mentioned the need for a doctors note at that time or I would have gone to get one immediately.

November 28th
After her Sunday visit I texted her father to ask what she had eaten and to see how she did for the day. He did not respond to my text so I called him and his girlfriend answered. She informed me that our daughter did infact eat sweet potatoes for lunch. I was very upset that her father went against the doctors orders but his girlfriend informed me that she did not believe me and that we needed to get a doctors note.

November 29th
The next day was her fathers 5-9 visit. I came to his apartment to drop our daughter off and he was 20 minutes late. I asked him if he would please not feed her sweet potatoes to just feed her rice cereal and formula while she is sick. He said, “No, I'm not going to believe anything you say, I need a doctors note.” I then walked out of his door and took our daughter home because I felt that she was not going to be cared for properly and that her father was intentionally putting our daughter in danger of becoming more sick.

After getting home I felt wrong about going against the order but it conflicted with my gut feeling to protect our daughter and keep her safe and healthy. I made sure to email and text her father offering for him to make up the 4 hours.

November 29th
I also made sure that we went in to the doctors office that next morning at 7am and I offered her father to come to that visit as well so that he could be there first hand while the doctor was explaining everything to me. He did not show up. While at the doctors I received doctors orders in writing as to what to feed her for the next 3-4 days.

December 1st
I scanned and emailed these to her father as well as gave them to him in his hand on his Wednesday 5-9 visit (which was makeup for his Thursday visit because he had a Christmas party to attend).

I was never trying to keep our daughter away from her father, I was trying to make sure her best interests and safety were being taken care of by him. I do not know why he would refuse to do something that relayed to him that was told to me by a doctor but I fear that in the future this will create a danger for my daughter while in her fathers care. If our daughter was to take a certain medicine or needed to be on a certain diet I will definitely get that direction in writing no matter what but I think it would be in our daughters best interest to go by my instruction.



What do you all think of this? I am concerned with the treatment of my daughter while she is visiting with her father. If he can go against the Dr's orders what else is he doing?

I received the summons today to go to trial on her actual 1 year birthday. My daughter is 8 months now. She visits with her father every Monday from 5-9, every other Sunday from 10-6 and every other Thursday that she does not have a Sunday from 5:30-9. I have only refused him that one visit because I felt that he blatantly refused to care for her properly his interests are more about hurting me than caring for his daughter properly.

I am worried that I will go to jail or something bad will happen at the trial for this matter. I have offered for him to make up the 4 hours.

What are everyone's thoughts and suggestions about this? I owe our current lawyer over $2,000 so he is not really working for me anymore.

Thanks!

You're not going to go to jail over this.

So you offered make up time, and dad did get the make up time, correct?

What does the summons say you are going to court for, one missed visit that he made up later?

 

[stealth2]

How was your daughter actually harmed by having some sweet potatoes, rather than only rice? I'm also surprised that the doctor didn't simply recommend the BRAT diet. That's pretty standard for upset tummies.

 

[haiku]

Sweet potato is actually considered a remedy for diarrhea
I kinda think everyone needs to calm waaay down, or its going to be a very bumpy 18 years....

 

[stealth2]

Sweet potato is actually considered a remedy for diarrhea
I kinda think everyone needs to calm waaay down, or its going to be a very bumpy 18 years....

I was thinking that, because it's what I give the hounds when they've got a tummy problem. But didn't want to put it that way!

But really - NO fruits/veggies? The BRAT diet is half fruit - Bananas & Applesauce - and is not only bland, but also binding.

I, personally, don't see this situation as one needing to "save" the child from her father, or indicative that he may do something in the future that harms her. Perhaps he SHOULD have simply followed the plan, but I don't see that he caused any real problem.

OP - this is your first child, yes?

 

[InfantCustody]

You are not going to go to jail! He had make up time...and regardless of the "opinions" as to whether the child was harmed or not I don't think a judge is going to like Dad and Dads girlfriend going against doctors orders nor requiring a note to believe what you say. The doctor knows what is best for each child and Dad should be listening even before you are able to get a note in hand. I would communicate by e-mail whenever possible so you have records of what is said and by who.

My son is 3 months old and his father is the same way. He is breastfed and has been hospitalized for health problems and his father was feeding him formula, pineapple/banana/strawberry baby food and oatmeal during his visits which are 6 hours 2x/wk. I had to get a doctors note saying he cannot have those things...and that was the only thing that stopped it.

As far as the BRAT diet...that is the diet prescribed to older children. Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. This is an INFANT. Most doctors say to use Pedialyte ONLY with infants, followed by half strength formula, then regualr formula.

The child clearly wasn't physically harmed by the sweet potatoes but Dad is certainly showing his true colors. Let him show them to the judge...

 

[stealth2]

Said child is 8mos, not 3mos. Nor does she apparently have health problems. This was an upset tummy.

As far as the BRAT diet...that is the diet prescribed to older children. Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. This is an INFANT. Most doctors say to use Pedialyte ONLY with infants, followed by half strength formula, then regualr formula.

Well... OP's doctor didn't say to do the latter. And if the child is okay with rice cereal, she is already on solids. So quite a bit different than a chronically ill baby still on a solely liquid diet.

Dad apparently seems to spend a fair bit of time with his child. He's allowed to make decisions for that child when he's got custody. It's entirely possible that he spoke with a pediatrician himself (not necessarily the same one) who indicated that sweet potatoes would be okay. Seriously - the child was NOT harmed. Mom's feelings are hurt that she can't control every aspect of her child's life. Well... That's what happens sometimes. Especially when one has a child outside of a committed, marital relationship. Parents parent differently.

 

[Ohiogal]

Quite frankly mom was in contempt of the court order. She did not allow father his time as per the court order but rather tried to dictate what dad should do and when dad wouldn't bend to her demands, took the child home. She may get a slap on the wrist.

I see that she offered make up time but i didn't see where dad exercised it. She needs to grow up or she is going to find herself in a world of hurt at some point.

 

[gam]

Standard for diarrhea would be either clear liquid diet, or BRAT diet, depending on how bad the diarrhea was. But the child here is only 8 months old, so that could be why the Dr said only formula and rice cereal. Child had diarrhea with no other symptoms, so at this age the diarrhea could have been caused by a new food introduced. Sounds like the Dr may have been taking a precaution of the diarrhea either being caused because the child was coming down with something or that it was a new food causing it.

Common for new foods to change the BM's or for new foods to cause either allergies or intolerances. In both allergies or intolerances, diarrhea is a common symptom.

No matter the reason, OP does need to calm down a bit. The ex was just asking for the Dr instructions in writing. Since this was done over the phone, she could have called the Dr with the ex there or had the ex call the Dr himself. Just because he wants these instructions from the Dr and not from her, does not mean he won't follow the instructions or give the child prescribed medicine.

You have a long 18 years in front of you, if this has you so worried. So keep that in mind. Unlikely your going to get in any trouble, since you cancelled and you gave make up time, however don't make a practice of cancelling based on child being sick. Many areas do not consider a child being sick cause to cancel a visit. The other parent is as capable as you to take care of a sick child.

 

[InfantCustody]

Quite frankly mom was in contempt of the court order. She did not allow father his time as per the court order but rather tried to dictate what dad should do and when dad wouldn't bend to her demands, took the child home. She may get a slap on the wrist.

I see that she offered make up time but i didn't see where dad exercised it. She needs to grow up or she is going to find herself in a world of hurt at some point.

Ok - I'm curious. Can a parent ignore doctors orders for a child's health and well being without the judge having anything to say about the matter? As it seems, Mom wasn't dictating what Dad should do but attempting to have Dad follow the DOCTORS orders for the child's care. I may be mistaken (I admit that happens! ) but it seems to me the judge would be none too thrilled with Dads attitude regarding the child's care and doctors orders...especially since infants are more fragile and get sicker quicker (a tongue twister!) than older children?

 

[Monte86]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

November 26th
On the Friday after Thanksgiving our daughter began to have diarrhea. I called the Dr.'s office and the office was closed. I then called the Dr. that was on-call for that day.

I told the Dr. that she had diarrhea that started earlier that day. She then asked me if there was any blood in the stool or any “jelly” like stool or fever. I told her that Cora had none of those symptoms and no fever, just the diarrhea.

November 27th
I texted my daughters father (the non-custodial parent) on Saturday because he was to visit with our daughter on Sunday from 10-6. I explained to him that she was to only eat a “bland” diet of rice cereal and formula and she was not to have any vegetables or fruits because, as told to me by the doctor, that could upset her stomach even more.

Her father called me right after I texted him and I asked him if he understood not to feed her anything but the bland diet of rice cereal and formula and he said that he understood. He never mentioned the need for a doctors note at that time or I would have gone to get one immediately.

November 28th
After her Sunday visit I texted her father to ask what she had eaten and to see how she did for the day. He did not respond to my text so I called him and his girlfriend answered. She informed me that our daughter did infact eat sweet potatoes for lunch. I was very upset that her father went against the doctors orders but his girlfriend informed me that she did not believe me and that we needed to get a doctors note.

November 29th
The next day was her fathers 5-9 visit. I came to his apartment to drop our daughter off and he was 20 minutes late. I asked him if he would please not feed her sweet potatoes to just feed her rice cereal and formula while she is sick. He said, “No, I'm not going to believe anything you say, I need a doctors note.” I then walked out of his door and took our daughter home because I felt that she was not going to be cared for properly and that her father was intentionally putting our daughter in danger of becoming more sick.

After getting home I felt wrong about going against the order but it conflicted with my gut feeling to protect our daughter and keep her safe and healthy. I made sure to email and text her father offering for him to make up the 4 hours.

November 29th
I also made sure that we went in to the doctors office that next morning at 7am and I offered her father to come to that visit as well so that he could be there first hand while the doctor was explaining everything to me. He did not show up. While at the doctors I received doctors orders in writing as to what to feed her for the next 3-4 days.

December 1st
I scanned and emailed these to her father as well as gave them to him in his hand on his Wednesday 5-9 visit (which was makeup for his Thursday visit because he had a Christmas party to attend).

I was never trying to keep our daughter away from her father, I was trying to make sure her best interests and safety were being taken care of by him. I do not know why he would refuse to do something that relayed to him that was told to me by a doctor but I fear that in the future this will create a danger for my daughter while in her fathers care. If our daughter was to take a certain medicine or needed to be on a certain diet I will definitely get that direction in writing no matter what but I think it would be in our daughters best interest to go by my instruction.



What do you all think of this? I am concerned with the treatment of my daughter while she is visiting with her father. If he can go against the Dr's orders what else is he doing?

I received the summons today to go to trial on her actual 1 year birthday. My daughter is 8 months now. She visits with her father every Monday from 5-9, every other Sunday from 10-6 and every other Thursday that she does not have a Sunday from 5:30-9. I have only refused him that one visit because I felt that he blatantly refused to care for her properly his interests are more about hurting me than caring for his daughter properly.

I am worried that I will go to jail or something bad will happen at the trial for this matter. I have offered for him to make up the 4 hours.

What are everyone's thoughts and suggestions about this? I owe our current lawyer over $2,000 so he is not really working for me anymore.

Thanks!

My ex has multiple violations of our court order. Unless you get the strictess judge ever, anywhere you will not go to jail. Continue to do this, you do put yourself at at risk.
Worse than jail, you could be seen as not faciliating a relationship with dad and become the NCP instead of the CP.

 

[Ohiogal]

Ok - I'm curious. Can a parent ignore doctors orders for a child's health and well being without the judge having anything to say about the matter? As it seems, Mom wasn't dictating what Dad should do but attempting to have Dad follow the DOCTORS orders for the child's care. I may be mistaken (I admit that happens! ) but it seems to me the judge would be none too thrilled with Dads attitude regarding the child's care and doctors orders...especially since infants are more fragile and get sicker quicker (a tongue twister!) than older children?

And yet mom denied dad with no proof that that was what the doctor said AND the child suffered no harm from sweet potatoes. This was NOT a case of the father feeding the child something that he knew the child was allergic to or giving the child drugs or alcohol. And different doctors would have said different things. Infants get sicker quicker? Not necessarily true. Whether a child gets sick depends on a variety of things. Why did this child still have diarrhea for several days?

She wanted dad to listen to what SHE was dictating. And that is an issue. Dad didn't do what mom demanded and therefore mom left with the child.

 

[gam]

Ok - I'm curious. Can a parent ignore doctors orders for a child's health and well being without the judge having anything to say about the matter? As it seems, Mom wasn't dictating what Dad should do but attempting to have Dad follow the DOCTORS orders for the child's care. I may be mistaken (I admit that happens! ) but it seems to me the judge would be none too thrilled with Dads attitude regarding the child's care and doctors orders...especially since infants are more fragile and get sicker quicker (a tongue twister!) than older children?

The OP's child is not your child, child is older, and mom said nothing about the child having any previous health problems like your child has. Big difference between a 3 month old with other health problems, and an 8 month old with no other health problems. Big difference between those ages in diet on top of that. By 8 months old, it is likely the child is eating a variety of foods, sweet potatoes is usually one of the first vegies to give a child. Dad giving the sweet potatoes didn't cause any further harm. Mom didn't say the child got worse after dad's house, she just said dad didn't listen to her and gave the child sweet potatoes.

A Judge can have something to say, however all Dad asked for is the Dr orders. Dad had no attitude regarding the child's care or the doctors orders, as he didn't have the Dr orders, so he didn't disregard them.

 

[sometwo]

Her father called me right after I texted him and I asked him if he understood not to feed her anything but the bland diet of rice cereal and formula

I did a google search just out of curiosity.

You said bland diet of rice and formula. However dad could have just figured a bland diet would be okay not worrying about specifics. As long as its bland you would think it should be fine. I would have anyway if it were me.

Here's what I have found

What Foods Are Allowed on a Bland Diet?

Read more: What Foods Are Allowed on a Bland Diet?
Breads and Other Carbohydrates
# Most people should choose whole-grain bread over refined white bread, because it is better for overall health and wellness. But for people on a bland diet, refined white breads are the best choice. White breads have less fiber than whole-wheat breads, and are much gentler on the digestive system. The bland diet also allows for many other carbohydrate choices; some of them are oatmeal, pasta (with cheese sauce rather than tomato), white rice, white and sweet potatoes, and corn flakes (with or without milk)



http://www.ehow.com/about_5093120_foods-allowed-bland-diet.html

The bland or soft diet is designed to decrease peristalsis and avoid irritation of the gastrointestinal tract.

It is appropriate for people with peptic ulcer disease, chronic gastritis, Reflux esophagitis or dyspepsia. It may also be used in the treatment of hiatal hernia.

The soft/ bland diet consists of foods that are easily digestible, mildly seasoned and tender.

Fried foods, highly seasoned foods and most raw or gas-forming fruits and vegetables are eliminated.



FOODS RECOMMENDED


MILK & DAIRY 2-3 servings each day

All milk and milk products

Plain mild cheeses

Cottage cheese


VEGETABLES 3-5 servings each day


Mild flavored vegetable juices

Cooked, frozen or canned vegetables as tolerated (asparagus tips, beets, carrots, green or waxed beans, mushrooms, pumpkin, green peas, white or sweet potato, spinach, summer or winter squashes)

Lettuce in small amounts

Salads made from allowed foods

Bland Diet

There were many more but you get the idea.

 

[mistoffolees]

Quite frankly mom was in contempt of the court order. She did not allow father his time as per the court order but rather tried to dictate what dad should do and when dad wouldn't bend to her demands, took the child home. She may get a slap on the wrist.

I see that she offered make up time but i didn't see where dad exercised it. She needs to grow up or she is going to find herself in a world of hurt at some point.

I agree. I don't see giving sweet potatoes to a sick child as the level of endangerment that would justify withholding visitation. As others have said, sweet potatoes are not something that is inconsistent with feeding a kid with diarrhea.

My bigger concern is that if these parents can't even agree on how to deal with a sick child, they're going to have a really tough 17+ years coming up. They are going to ALL be a lot happier if they learn to talk and resolve things involving the child - possibly taking a co-parenting class together.

It makes a world of difference. My ex drove me crazy when we were together, but we've learned to co-parent pretty well and it is SO much better for everyone, including our daughter.