Nursing Sexual boundary violation

[dadda11o]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Hi; I am having trouble with an issue that came up with my husband's medical treatment. He is divorcing me after having begun an affair instigated by a nurse who was providing medical treatment. She knew he was married and has children. I found a very long letter from her to him that details the general scheme of the relationship: she wanted to pursue him and did. She used her knowledge of our problems (mostly caused by stress; he'd had several serious medical problems over the past two years) to ingratiate herself. The hospital has done nothing to alleviate the problem; at this point I'm angry, because he could have been treated at home, but payment was only for that done under doctor supervision. I have also filed a complaint with the state. None of that does anything to change the fact that he and most of his other family/friends (even our children) believe that this relationship is kosher and I should just leave the two of them alone so they can be happy. I think the nurse needs psychological help; she has a family. But I am faced with having to move out of my house and life in three weeks because SHE won't stop pursuing him (and may be doing so in order to protect herself, in a roundabout way). I have mounting legal and counseling fees as well.
All I wanted was for someone at the hospital to sit down and explain that it shouldn't have occurred, that it might have repercussions requiring counseling and help us to deal with it that way. instead, he's doing really out of character things and I can't find anyone that can help the immediate situation-no knowledge, etc. The attorneys and agencies I speak with just tell me it's an "unusual" situation.

 

[lealea1005]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Hi; I am having trouble with an issue that came up with my husband's medical treatment. He is divorcing me after having begun an affair instigated by a nurse who was providing medical treatment. She knew he was married and has children. I found a very long letter from her to him that details the general scheme of the relationship: she wanted to pursue him and did. She used her knowledge of our problems (mostly caused by stress; he'd had several serious medical problems over the past two years) to ingratiate herself. The hospital has done nothing to alleviate the problem; at this point I'm angry, because he could have been treated at home, but payment was only for that done under doctor supervision. I have also filed a complaint with the state. None of that does anything to change the fact that he and most of his other family/friends (even our children) believe that this relationship is kosher and I should just leave the two of them alone so they can be happy. I think the nurse needs psychological help; she has a family. But I am faced with having to move out of my house and life in three weeks because SHE won't stop pursuing him (and may be doing so in order to protect herself, in a roundabout way). I have mounting legal and counseling fees as well.
All I wanted was for someone at the hospital to sit down and explain that it shouldn't have occurred, that it might have repercussions requiring counseling and help us to deal with it that way. instead, he's doing really out of character things and I can't find anyone that can help the immediate situation-no knowledge, etc. The attorneys and agencies I speak with just tell me it's an "unusual" situation.

I'm not condoning the behavior of the nurse in question, however, your husband is just as responsible for his actions.

 

[HomeGuru]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

All I wanted was for someone at the hospital to sit down and explain that it shouldn't have occurred, that it might have repercussions requiring counseling


**A: take our work for it then, all of that should not have occured.

 

[dadda11o]

I'm not condoning the behavior of the nurse in question, however, your husband is just as responsible for his actions.

Actually, patient or client consent is no defense for this type of boundary violation. My husband has cognitive deficits related to diabetes and there were indications of depression which had been reported to both our family doctor and his cardiologist. In addition, I had previously called the nurse's station to ask whether the out of character moodiness he was exhibiting was a result of the IV meds or in combo with others he was taking. She asked him questions to draw him out, learned he was having marital stresses-that should have led to appropriate documentation and consult, not to seducing him. He is still defending her, although not as vociferously, saying, "she didn't mean to". The note reads, in part, "I remember being envious of (me). You went home to her every day-I envied her for that. I wished with all my heart I was your wife and you were coming home to me," I was becoming very selfish in my needs and wants," and "I was thinking only of myself. I wanted things to progress between us." I am not defending him; I am stating that none of this is typical behavior for him. I have no reason to think that he would have pursued an affair elsewhere had not this nurse been rather blatantly pursuing him. Had he come on to her, she would have been responsible for maintaining the boundaries as well.

Think of it this way: if health care providers weren't guided (regulated) by ethical and state codes, how many people would feel comfortable having their family or spouse treated in hospitals, etc. unless they could be there with them 24/7? Some of the adverse effects to patients include PTSD, major depressive disorder, suicidal tendencies and distrust, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, disruption to employment and earnings . . . this is from the National Council of State Boards of Nursing. The emotional impact on me and our children has been severe enough that none of us are functioning normally. It is like living in a nightmare you can't get out of and people keep acting as if it's normal...it's not.

Maybe someone will know something; if not, I just made contact with the State Board of Health regarding the hospital refusing to treat or deal with the nurse's improper actions. I just don't think any of these agencies are going to be able to help us before it is too late.

 

[ecmst12]

Even if any action were to be taken against the nurse for getting involved with a patient, they couldn't tell you anything about it.

 

[tranquility]

While I'm sure there are many legal, regulatory or moral avenues one could pursue, I'm drawn to the thought: We don't forgive others for them, but for us.

Clearly, you're hurt. Almost as clearly, there is a wrong here which society would disapprove of. There may even be remedies. Yet, I'm not hearing how things will change, but only how to punish someone. Such things will not make things better. Really. They won't.

If you have a real fear about husband being taken advantage of, that's one thing. Get a lawyer, fight like heck and protect the one you love.

If you are hurt, let it go. It's better for you. Otherwise it will eat at you forever. Start dealing with the hurt now, on your own terms, or later, with an expensive professional.

 

[lealea1005]

Actually, patient or client consent is no defense for this type of boundary violation. My husband has cognitive deficits related to diabetes and there were indications of depression which had been reported to both our family doctor and his cardiologist. In addition, I had previously called the nurse's station to ask whether the out of character moodiness he was exhibiting was a result of the IV meds or in combo with others he was taking. She asked him questions to draw him out, learned he was having marital stresses-that should have led to appropriate documentation and consult, not to seducing him. He is still defending her, although not as vociferously, saying, "she didn't mean to". The note reads, in part, "I remember being envious of (me). You went home to her every day-I envied her for that. I wished with all my heart I was your wife and you were coming home to me," I was becoming very selfish in my needs and wants," and "I was thinking only of myself. I wanted things to progress between us." I am not defending him; I am stating that none of this is typical behavior for him. I have no reason to think that he would have pursued an affair elsewhere had not this nurse been rather blatantly pursuing him. Had he come on to her, she would have been responsible for maintaining the boundaries as well.

Think of it this way: if health care providers weren't guided (regulated) by ethical and state codes, how many people would feel comfortable having their family or spouse treated in hospitals, etc. unless they could be there with them 24/7? Some of the adverse effects to patients include PTSD, major depressive disorder, suicidal tendencies and distrust, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, disruption to employment and earnings . . . this is from the National Council of State Boards of Nursing. The emotional impact on me and our children has been severe enough that none of us are functioning normally. It is like living in a nightmare you can't get out of and people keep acting as if it's normal...it's not.

Maybe someone will know something; if not, I just made contact with the State Board of Health regarding the hospital refusing to treat or deal with the nurse's improper actions. I just don't think any of these agencies are going to be able to help us before it is too late.

The nurse was inappropriate....and so was your husband. You can report the behavior to the hospital CEO and/or the Nursing Supervisor. The most you can hope for is a reprimand...and that's a stretch.

You stated you were already having "marital stresses". Perhaps it was more that your husband may have been looking for an excuse, then she seduced a compromised patient.

Take tranquility's advice. Instead of allowing this to eat you alive, move on. It won't be easy,in fact, it will take baby steps.... but you'll look back and will have become a stronger person.

Good luck.

 

[dadda11o]

I think I am not being clear.

First: I recognize the nurse must have some psychological issues. I am not interested in punishment as much as 1)preventing further harm and 2)addressing the issue so that she does not continue heading down the path of destruction without knowledge and opportunity to change. What she does at that point is her choice.

Second: There was no divorce or suggestion of divorce before he was "caught". There were STRONG suggestions that his emotional state was not normal starting from a period of time not too terribly long after he began IV therapy.

What I am having difficulty with is the thought that the nurse (a disturbed person) can flagrantly violate her professional duty, which results in immediate and possible long-term (emotional, financial, and in the case of husband, physical) harm but that nobody in a position of authority will "administer the antidote". Supposing a nurse (distracted) gave a patient too much morphine and they stopped breathing. If everyone merely goes into risk management mode, the patient dies. If someone is made aware, the patient would be treated for the error-administer drug to reverse effects, breathing support, monitoring, etc.

Here's more info: "In NCSBN's analysis of 10 years of Nursys data (NCSBN, 2009), 53,361 nurses were disciplined; of those, 636 or 0.57%, were included in the following categories: sexual misconduct, sex with client, sexual abuse, sexual language or sexual boundaries. Therefore, sexual misconduct is not a common complaint to a BON (Board of Nursing)." Practical Guidelines for Boards of Nursing on Sexual Misconduct Cases.

I assume it's not a typical administrative duty to deal with it either, as I believe much of the sexual misconduct is perpetrated on helpless (or nearly so) patients.

This is just very frustrating. There was a period of time that he wanted to just stay home and put ointment on his wound; he didn't want to continue with his care. I didn't know why he was talking like that; he just told me that he thought we'd been doing fine before. I know the night before he disappeared for the weekend, he came home, sat down and cried, told me he thought he was going to have another heart attack. His symptoms sounded more like he might be having panic attacks.

My life is being seriously and negatively impacted as well. Is it wrong for me to want to stop the damage? Supposing he were to commit suicide over it but it was preventable HAD someone gone over this and he had gotten treatment for the effects.

Not meaning to sound like I can't accept it, 'cause it doesn't look like I'm going to have much choice, but when people's minds get thrown off kilter, it's not visible except through behavior. And I have already noticed and reported that his was WAY off long before anything came to light. I'm not having much luck knowing where the hospital might have a legal obligation to inform a patient of an adverse effect or whatever the legal communication would be. Does that help? (As in, we gave you the wrong medicine, we cut off two of your toes ...)

 

[HomeGuru]

I think I am not being clear.

First: I recognize the nurse must have some psychological issues. I am not interested in punishment as much as 1)preventing further harm and 2)addressing the issue so that she does not continue heading down the path of destruction without knowledge and opportunity to change. What she does at that point is her choice.

Second: There was no divorce or suggestion of divorce before he was "caught". There were STRONG suggestions that his emotional state was not normal starting from a period of time not too terribly long after he began IV therapy.

What I am having difficulty with is the thought that the nurse (a disturbed person) can flagrantly violate her professional duty, which results in immediate and possible long-term (emotional, financial, and in the case of husband, physical) harm but that nobody in a position of authority will "administer the antidote". Supposing a nurse (distracted) gave a patient too much morphine and they stopped breathing. If everyone merely goes into risk management mode, the patient dies. If someone is made aware, the patient would be treated for the error-administer drug to reverse effects, breathing support, monitoring, etc.

Here's more info: "In NCSBN's analysis of 10 years of Nursys data (NCSBN, 2009), 53,361 nurses were disciplined; of those, 636 or 0.57%, were included in the following categories: sexual misconduct, sex with client, sexual abuse, sexual language or sexual boundaries. Therefore, sexual misconduct is not a common complaint to a BON (Board of Nursing)." Practical Guidelines for Boards of Nursing on Sexual Misconduct Cases.

I assume it's not a typical administrative duty to deal with it either, as I believe much of the sexual misconduct is perpetrated on helpless (or nearly so) patients.

This is just very frustrating. There was a period of time that he wanted to just stay home and put ointment on his wound; he didn't want to continue with his care. I didn't know why he was talking like that; he just told me that he thought we'd been doing fine before. I know the night before he disappeared for the weekend, he came home, sat down and cried, told me he thought he was going to have another heart attack. His symptoms sounded more like he might be having panic attacks.

My life is being seriously and negatively impacted as well. Is it wrong for me to want to stop the damage? Supposing he were to commit suicide over it but it was preventable HAD someone gone over this and he had gotten treatment for the effects.

Not meaning to sound like I can't accept it, 'cause it doesn't look like I'm going to have much choice, but when people's minds get thrown off kilter, it's not visible except through behavior. And I have already noticed and reported that his was WAY off long before anything came to light. I'm not having much luck knowing where the hospital might have a legal obligation to inform a patient of an adverse effect or whatever the legal communication would be. Does that help? (As in, we gave you the wrong medicine, we cut off two of your toes ...)

**A: we got you the first time.

 

[dadda11o]

Restraining order

So I ask that my attorney costs be taxed to him. Etc. etc. I suppose I'll need to find that out in the other forum. One other question: she showed up at my husband's job (where I was) and at a building where I had just finished counseling session. That and the phone calls I made for making complaint she used as the basis for an ex-parte restraining order against me. Nuisance, retaliation or (big stretch) could she REALLY be so mixed up as to believe it? And is there anything else I should consider or be aware of? Thanks!

PS I find it amazing that she can get an order that says I can't go near her husband, but I have to tolerate this? But I am aware that even if I tried the same thing, I wouldn't be able to get it enforced. Crazy world.

 

[dadda11o]

I filed my other question under what I believe is the appropriate section. Spoke with soon to be ex-husband. He tells me he has paid for an attorney for his nurse and he will not complain so she will be good to go. I think I am going to try to stay healthy.

 

[dadda11o]

"Adamczak made his initial appearance on the charges Friday afternoon. He was given a $1,000 signature bond, and ordered not to have contact with the women, their families or places of employment."

This is what I am referencing- get the person away form the patient, at least for a while. This from a story out of Wisconsin. I know there are 24 states in which criminal charges can be filed against a health care practitioner for sexual misconduct. I do not know that Indiana is one of them. Just seems like a sensible measure; I read many stories where the practitioner's advances lead to the destruction of the patient's marriage. I can find plenty of info on patients and the effects on them, but not much for family. And it is a great emotional shock-like my husband died there, but there is no funeral, just this never ending hatred and fighting with and from someone who only seems like him around the edges. 'Nuf said.

Frankly, I'm sick of the whole mess right now. I'm sure something more could be and should have been done; I just don't know where to find the right info.

Tranquility, I appreciate your post. We have two daughters; the three of us have watched as husband and father has turned into a stranger. All of us stressed-it's just four months of utter heck-hoping she'll go away, he'll come to his senses-that something will break for the better. And it doesn't. I gave his mother the basic gist. Once the divorce is over and I can figure out what's next, I'm not hoping to stick around. I know there are usually consequences to bad decisions; they just don't always come around right away.

 

[ecmst12]

I really do not understand why you would insist on blaming someone else for your husband being a cheating POS.

 

[tammy8]

It does sound like you are stalking your SOON to be EXhusand and his new girlfriend. You need to get a gripe and move on. If not, I fear you will spend a couple of days behind bars or lose your children.

YOu ain't the first and you aint the last person that has been cheated on.

 

[divona2000]

...I am faced with having to move out of my house and life in three weeks...

Is there a court order requiring you to move out?