Trying to change permanent parenting with no lawyer

[momtab]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I have spent the past year trying to negotiate a change in the parenting plan with my ex and he right out refuses every time and starts making threats and insulting me. The current plan is that i have my daughter a week and he has her a week. When she is with me she stays with me but when she is with her father she is passed between his place (his room mate has a record. They have been to jail for drug possession. I wonder if i can use that to help me?) and his mothers home. My daughter is being passed between 3 households and is currently in Kindergarten and her behavior at school and at home with me has changed dramatically, her teacher has stated she will have to start sending her to the principal because she refuses to listen or follow directions and disrupts class.

Can this help me change the parenting plan? I requested that i have her during the school year and her father have her on summer and winter vacation, I have even holidays he has odd holidays. I also intend to move to Atlanta Georgia for better job opportunities after i graduate this year. My ex has gotten a lawyer and requested everything be denied and thrown out for several reasons, one being that i did not attach a child support worksheet.

My ex husband does not communicate with me in any form now for over 6 months, he wont answer the phone or respond to texts. He does not let my daughter call me when he has her, he does not respond to my attempts to speak about her school problems, he does not take her to the doctor or dentist or ask whether i am or not (i am) He has always hid from me when he moves and when i find out he still refuses to tell me his address and says its none of my business where my daughter is when he has her.

I am at my wits end here and dont know what to do. i have become more concerned recently after finding out how he treated our daughter when he lived with his father. I spoke with them recently and i found out he has not let his father see my daughter in almost 2 years. But when my ex kept my daughter while there he was working 3rd shift. The father would force my daughter to sleep all day with him after she had slept all night and go with out any food until he woke up in the evening and had her afraid to even go to the bathroom so she would have accidents in bed and he would spank her for it. He had her around his gf at the time that had a child but did not have rights to her own child. He refused to get my daughter clothes that fit and the grandfather would have to go get her clothes to where so she could have proper fitting clothes. The father would get angry with the grandfather for getting my daughter out of his room and feeding her and would say that shes going to get fat. (He was denying his 2 year old child regular meals so she wouldnt be fat!?) I feel strongly if he was doing this to her in front of his parents he may be treating her even worse now with noone in the home to disagree or take up for our daughter.

As of now i have
Written a letter of intent to move
Filed a petition to modify the parenting plan
Turned in Proposed parenting plan

I am sure i have no hope right now but i am going to keep trying and would like advice on what i should do different and what should be added thanks.

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I have spent the past year trying to negotiate a change in the parenting plan with my ex and he right out refuses every time and starts making threats and insulting me. The current plan is that i have my daughter a week and he has her a week. When she is with me she stays with me but when she is with her father she is passed between his place (his room mate has a record. They have been to jail for drug possession. I wonder if i can use that to help me?)

Probably not.

and his mothers home.

Grandma's house. I see tshirts for babies that say, "Take Me To GRANDMA'S House!"

My daughter is being passed between 3 households

Sees her mother, her father, and her grandmother...I think you're trying to make a mountain out of a little pile of dust.

and is currently in Kindergarten and her behavior at school and at home with me has changed dramatically, her teacher has stated she will have to start sending her to the principal because she refuses to listen or follow directions and disrupts class.

That's behavioral. You're 1 week on, 1 week off -- you have plenty of time to discipline your child.

Can this help me change the parenting plan?

Because you haven't taught your child how to go to school?
Not likely.

I requested that i have her during the school year and her father have her on summer and winter vacation, I have even holidays he has odd holidays.

You aren't going to jump from a 50/50 arrangement to Mom Holds Most Of The Cards without Dad frowning.

I also intend to move to Atlanta Georgia for better job opportunities after i graduate this year.

Prepare to lose primary custody.

My ex has gotten a lawyer and requested everything be denied and thrown out for several reasons, one being that i did not attach a child support worksheet.

Given your presumptous attitude toward the child and dismissive attitude toward the father, I'd rather help HIM than YOU.

My ex husband does not communicate with me in any form now for over 6 months, he wont answer the phone or respond to texts. He does not let my daughter call me when he has her, he does not respond to my attempts to speak about her school problems, he does not take her to the doctor or dentist or ask whether i am or not (i am) He has always hid from me when he moves and when i find out he still refuses to tell me his address and says its none of my business where my daughter is when he has her.

I am at my wits end here and dont know what to do. i have become more concerned recently after finding out how he treated our daughter when he lived with his father. I spoke with them recently and i found out he has not let his father see my daughter in almost 2 years. But when my ex kept my daughter while there he was working 3rd shift. The father would force my daughter to sleep all day with him after she had slept all night and go with out any food until he woke up in the evening and had her afraid to even go to the bathroom so she would have accidents in bed and he would spank her for it. He had her around his gf at the time that had a child but did not have rights to her own child. He refused to get my daughter clothes that fit and the grandfather would have to go get her clothes to where so she could have proper fitting clothes. The father would get angry with the grandfather for getting my daughter out of his room and feeding her and would say that shes going to get fat. (He was denying his 2 year old child regular meals so she wouldnt be fat!?) I feel strongly if he was doing this to her in front of his parents he may be treating her even worse now with noone in the home to disagree or take up for our daughter.

As of now i have
Written a letter of intent to move
Filed a petition to modify the parenting plan
Turned in Proposed parenting plan

I am sure i have no hope right now but i am going to keep trying and would like advice on what i should do different and what should be added thanks.

I really have nothing else to say at this point. It's all crumby little "he said/she said" junk.

 

[momtab]

Probably not.


Grandma's house. I see tshirts for babies that say, "Take Me To GRANDMA'S House!"no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER i wish she did spend her time all at grandmas so atleast i know she is getting attention and getting fed!


Sees her mother, her father, and her grandmother...I think you're trying to make a mountain out of a little pile of dust. no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER


That's behavioral. You're 1 week on, 1 week off -- you have plenty of time to discipline your child. yes and by the time she acts normal she goes back to her dad and the cycle repeats when i get her back. yep your right i should keep it at that so she has a tougher time each week. punish the daughter instead of trying for more time with her so she has a stable environment and will most likely stop acting out as a result.


Because you haven't taught your child how to go to school?
Not likely.
Her behavior is changing because she has no stability not because i didnt teach my daughter to go to school. You have no idea my situation OR MY DAUGHTERS I came on here to try to get some help not have some stranger insult me as a parent and insult my child. My child is very intelligent, is in advanced programs in her school. MY CONCERN IS THAT THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE First her behavior then her grades. It is pretty sad to have her grades go down hill and do nothing to stop it when i know what the problem is. The poor kid cant tell u where her home is! she refers to every place as "persons" house, she never says "my house"

 

[Silverplum]

Probably not.


Grandma's house. I see tshirts for babies that say, "Take Me To GRANDMA'S House!"no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER i wish she did spend her time all at grandmas so atleast i know she is getting attention and getting fed!


Sees her mother, her father, and her grandmother...I think you're trying to make a mountain out of a little pile of dust. no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER


That's behavioral. You're 1 week on, 1 week off -- you have plenty of time to discipline your child. yes and by the time she acts normal she goes back to her dad and the cycle repeats when i get her back. yep your right i should keep it at that so she has a tougher time each week. punish the daughter instead of trying for more time with her so she has a stable environment and will most likely stop acting out as a result.


Because you haven't taught your child how to go to school?
Not likely.
Her behavior is changing because she has no stability not because i didnt teach my daughter to go to school. You have no idea my situation OR MY DAUGHTERS I came on here to try to get some help not have some stranger insult me as a parent and insult my child. My child is very intelligent, is in advanced programs in her school. MY CONCERN IS THAT THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE First her behavior then her grades. It is pretty sad to have her grades go down hill and do nothing to stop it when i know what the problem is. The poor kid cant tell u where her home is! she refers to every place as "persons" house, she never says "my house"

You aren't going to have an easy time, I can tell.

 

[Just Blue]

Probably not.


Grandma's house. I see tshirts for babies that say, "Take Me To GRANDMA'S House!"no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER i wish she did spend her time all at grandmas so atleast i know she is getting attention and getting fed!


Sees her mother, her father, and her grandmother...I think you're trying to make a mountain out of a little pile of dust. no im stating she HAS NO STABILITY AND IT IS AFFECTING HER


That's behavioral. You're 1 week on, 1 week off -- you have plenty of time to discipline your child. yes and by the time she acts normal she goes back to her dad and the cycle repeats when i get her back. yep your right i should keep it at that so she has a tougher time each week. punish the daughter instead of trying for more time with her so she has a stable environment and will most likely stop acting out as a result.


Because you haven't taught your child how to go to school?
Not likely.
Her behavior is changing because she has no stability not because i didnt teach my daughter to go to school. You have no idea my situation OR MY DAUGHTERS I came on here to try to get some help not have some stranger insult me as a parent and insult my child. My child is very intelligent, is in advanced programs in her school. MY CONCERN IS THAT THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE First her behavior then her grades. It is pretty sad to have her grades go down hill and do nothing to stop it when i know what the problem is. The poor kid cant tell u where her home is! she refers to every place as "persons" house, she never says "my house"

My child, also in a gifted program, referrs to her primary home as the red house. Aunt and Uncles current home is the...lol..."white house"...their past home was the green house. Her sisters home is the "other red house". Granma is the gray house..should I go on??

If you child is having "issues" then she needs counseling. Not to be denied her father or extended family.

 

[milspecgirl]

I can see the judge getting rid of the 50/50 split in this scenario because these parents cannot talk to one another or co-parent. I would expect that 1 parent is going to get primary
and mom, filing intent to relocate is probably going to up his odds at primary placement A LOT.
Unless you have proof that she is only having issues when she's at dads house with schooling and discipline- you are both going to be blamed.

 

[MichaCA]

I would seriously consider scraping up money for a one hour consult with a local family law attorney. I agree, requesting a relocating while at the same time attempting to modify visitation, while using examples of instability is asking the court too much.

If your child is truly unstable, that needs to be the primary focus. Counseling, more contact with her teachers, document everything, talk with an attorney; ask attorney about requesting a GAL for child. See if there is a way to sort out the problems she is having, whether its legally or personally, professionally and educationally.

My advice is after you have tried hard and done all of the above, for a reasonable period of time, then consult with an attorney about the climate for moveaways in your county. That is a whole huge nother ballgame...one you do not want to request without knowledge of legal precedences.

As it stands now, with dad having 50% custodial time, a judge is not going to allow the child removed from his care. Secondly, your argument is weak. Perhaps your child really is suffering from instability. However, you are not proving that, a judge will not frown on diff family members jumping in to care for the child, etc...so in the end it will look like your trying to get dad out of the childs life.

 

[momtab]

I would seriously consider scraping up money for a one hour consult with a local family law attorney. I agree, requesting a relocating while at the same time attempting to modify visitation, while using examples of instability is asking the court too much.

If your child is truly unstable, that needs to be the primary focus. Counseling, more contact with her teachers, document everything, talk with an attorney; ask attorney about requesting a GAL for child. See if there is a way to sort out the problems she is having, whether its legally or personally, professionally and educationally.

My advice is after you have tried hard and done all of the above, for a reasonable period of time, then consult with an attorney about the climate for moveaways in your county. That is a whole huge nother ballgame...one you do not want to request without knowledge of legal precedences.

As it stands now, with dad having 50% custodial time, a judge is not going to allow the child removed from his care. Secondly, your argument is weak. Perhaps your child really is suffering from instability. However, you are not proving that, a judge will not frown on diff family members jumping in to care for the child, etc...so in the end it will look like your trying to get dad out of the childs life.

So if I take in copies of the progress reports and letters from the teacher to show that she has started to decline in behavior since she has started a real school because of the instability i could maybe atleast get it changed for me to have her during the week and him on weekends during the school year for her benefit? I also have tried contacting the father several times to talk about her school issues and he never responds and he does not go to the parent teacher conferences either. I have tried contacting him and also sent copies of the conference times and he does no participate in any of it. Also when the teacher tells him of the problems when he picks her up he does not tell me any of it. Twice now i have had her teacher mention i should have know this or that because she stopped the father and told him. I had to explain to her that he and I do not speak and that any information i try to relay to him goes ignored. So now i check in with her periodically and also stop by the classroom to talk about how things are going and it is an up and down roller coaster in the classroom with her.

 

[Silverplum]

So if I take in copies of the progress reports and letters from the teacher to show that she has started to decline in behavior since she has started a real school because of the instability i could maybe atleast get it changed for me to have her during the week and him on weekends during the school year for her benefit?

What part of "50/50" do you not understand?

IF she is "unstable," it's HALF because of YOU. You can't throw mud without getting splatted yourself in this one. You're going to make a fool of yourself.

For that matter, letters are not able to testify. So you'd have to get the teachers to testify against Dad -- think that's really gonna happen? (Hint: It's not.)

I also have tried contacting the father several times to talk about her school issues and he never responds and he does not go to the parent teacher conferences either. I have tried contacting him and also sent copies of the conference times and he does no participate in any of it. Also when the teacher tells him of the problems when he picks her up he does not tell me any of it. Twice now i have had her teacher mention i should have know this or that because she stopped the father and told him. I had to explain to her that he and I do not speak and that any information i try to relay to him goes ignored. So now i check in with her periodically and also stop by the classroom to talk about how things are going and it is an up and down roller coaster in the classroom with her.

You and Dad are inefficient at coparenting. THAT'S the problem. Take classes, read books, TALK. LEARN how to coparent.

The rest of your stuff is nonsense. Really.

 

[Ohiogal]

So if I take in copies of the progress reports and letters from the teacher to show that she has started to decline in behavior since she has started a real school because of the instability i could maybe atleast get it changed for me to have her during the week and him on weekends during the school year for her benefit?

Hearsay and inadmissible. I can have them tossed in a heartbeat. How does the teacher KNOW why the grades are declining? Why is dad to blame and NOT you when you have the child 50% of the time?

I also have tried contacting the father several times to talk about her school issues and he never responds and he does not go to the parent teacher conferences either. I have tried contacting him and also sent copies of the conference times and he does no participate in any of it. Also when the teacher tells him of the problems when he picks her up he does not tell me any of it.

Wait a minute -- dad does not go to parent teacher conferences but does have contact with the teachers, right? So how do you know what is said to him or to the teacher if he doesn't tell you any of it? Do you tell him what is said at the parent teacher conferences/ What do you say that REQUIRES a response? If he is picking the child up then he is participating. Maybe not how YOU would dictate but he is participating.

Twice now i have had her teacher mention i should have know this or that because she stopped the father and told him.

And? Why aren't you talking to the teacher more often?

I had to explain to her that he and I do not speak and that any information i try to relay to him goes ignored.

Well if you do not speak to him, how are you relaying things?

So now i check in with her periodically and also stop by the classroom to talk about how things are going and it is an up and down roller coaster in the classroom with her.

Sounds like you are doing what dad is doing but explain and PROVE how this is dad's fault? How are you the innocent in all this?

 

[momtab]

What part of "50/50" do you not understand?

IF she is "unstable," it's HALF because of YOU. You can't throw mud without getting splatted yourself in this one. You're going to make a fool of yourself.

For that matter, letters are not able to testify. So you'd have to get the teachers to testify against Dad -- think that's really gonna happen? (Hint: It's not.)



You and Dad are inefficient at coparenting. THAT'S the problem. Take classes, read books, TALK. LEARN how to coparent.

The rest of your stuff is nonsense. Really.

So how am i supposed to force him to try to help with her problems when he wont speak to me in any form or speak with her teacher? And i can honestly tell you if i approached him and requested counseling he would laugh in my face.

 

[Proserpina]

I can see the judge getting rid of the 50/50 split in this scenario because these parents cannot talk to one another or co-parent. I would expect that 1 parent is going to get primary
and mom, filing intent to relocate is probably going to up his odds at primary placement A LOT.
Unless you have proof that she is only having issues when she's at dads house with schooling and discipline- you are both going to be blamed.

I completely agree with this.

Planning to relocate with a 50/50 split may hand primary custody right in Dad's lap.

 

[Silverplum]

So how am i supposed to force him to try to help with her problems when he wont speak to me in any form or speak with her teacher? And i can honestly tell you if i approached him and requested counseling he would laugh in my face.

"FORCE"???????

Who said "FORCE"???????????? YOU said "FORCE." Not me.

It's your attitude, popping out all over. YOU are the one who wants to FORCE Dad to do what you want, how you want, when you want, any way you want it.

Like I typed earlier: With your attitude, I'd rather help Dad than you.

 

[momtab]

Hearsay and inadmissible. I can have them tossed in a heartbeat. How does the teacher KNOW why the grades are declining? Why is dad to blame and NOT you when you have the child 50% of the time?

Once i explained to her the childs living situation she has agreed to not send her to the office and has agreed to keep trying to work with her



Wait a minute -- dad does not go to parent teacher conferences but does have contact with the teachers, right? So how do you know what is said to him or to the teacher if he doesn't tell you any of it? Do you tell him what is said at the parent teacher conferences/ What do you say that REQUIRES a response? If he is picking the child up then he is participating. Maybe not how YOU would dictate but he is participating.

Her teacher tells me what goes on, she tells me what she says to him but he never comes in or offers any solutions and goes on.


And? Why aren't you talking to the teacher more often?
i do talk to the teacher often since the her behavior has become a steady decline.


Well if you do not speak to him, how are you relaying things?
I call him he does not answer so i text him and he does not reply.


Sounds like you are doing what dad is doing but explain and PROVE how this is dad's fault? How are you the innocent in all this?

I am not innocent in all of it because i did agree to the week by week. She was 2 when the agreement was made and i could not have known that this would mess her up when she started school in the future. And after the divorce this was not how things were, he would only keep her on weekends for over a year. I did not keep her from him it was that he did not want her but on weekends so i let it be. I figured he wanted it to say 50/50 so he paid less child support. Then suddenly he demanded the week by week to start and i agreed because thats what he should have been doing in the first place but now it is hurting her now that she is in school. When the problems first started i tried to ask him to go back to having her on weekends during school and back to week and week in summer and he refused and then cut me off and ignored me and wont let my daughter call me when he has her and wont answer his daughters calls and voicemails when i have her, so to ease her frustrations from this i have her call his mother and chat with her instead when he wont answer her calls.

 

[momtab]

"FORCE"???????

Who said "FORCE"???????????? YOU said "FORCE." Not me.

It's your attitude, popping out all over. YOU are the one who wants to FORCE Dad to do what you want, how you want, when you want, any way you want it.

Like I typed earlier: With your attitude, I'd rather help Dad than you.

I do not have an attitude, I am not trying to bully and have my way i am trying to fix a problem. Before the dad cut me off he was always rude to me and threw insults at me in front of my daughter any time i requested anything from him and always threatened to have me arrested.

EXAMPLE: I called him and asked that we meet at 11 or 12 instead of 8am because school had been cancelled due to snow and i live on a small country road and it was frozen over. His reply was "not my problem if you wreck, if you arent here at 8 u dont get her." So i said ok and had to call my grandfather to come get me in his truck and take me there so i could get her. I have always been as considerate as possible and he pushes me harder and harder. Another example, I always go out of my way to take her to her choir shows that the fathers mother has her in 30 minutes away from me but when i request him to bring her to activities he wont. I am sorry you feel the need judge me not knowing half of what i allow him to say to me and i just always let it go because i dont want conflict and i dont want arguments but I DO want my daughter to do good and not be stressed and confused.
There has been many times he has called me derogatory names in front of her, one time being i took her to see her grandma while the father was mad at the grandmother and cut her off from my daughter. The grandma called me and asked to see her and said he cut her off after she tried to tell him he is bringing his girlfriends in and out of the daughters life too much so he cut her off. He ended up finding out i let the grandma see her and he cussed me out in front of our daughter and had her crying and stressed out and later when i had her again she asked me why she is in trouble for seeing grandma? i told her she wasnt and that daddy just gets mad over silly things sometimes and that she doesnt need to worry about anything. But shortly after the whole ordeal he let his grandma back into her life because he needed a place to stay and needed to move in. He uses the daughter as a tool against the grandparents But i stay out of it and if they want to see her i let them, her grandpa has to visit her through only me because he has cut off all contact for over a year.