Father's Weekend/His Plans

[mommymushbrain]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arkansas

So this situation has not occured just yet... I think the father does this stuff to me so I do hit panic mode and freak out. (After 10 years of marriage, he does know what buttons to push!)

On his scheduled visitation weekend (May 13-15) there is the annual "Drunken Death Float" (yes that is the name of it). It is a canoe/camping trip held on the Mulberry River. There is a lot of free flowing alcohol, a lot of music, just a big party. It is supposed to be "No Children", however, I have seen older teens there. He took me to it one year during our marriage and I refused to ever go back. He went one other time during that same time span.

Since the separation (3 years now), he's been making this his annual vacation. This year it falls on his weekend visitation.

If he were to call ahead of time, I would have no objections to switching weekends... However...

Question 1: I am currently in the process of making plans for the following weekend for our daughter's birthday party. Her birthday falls on the 25th, Wednesday, his visitation day and that following weekend is his weekend along with Memorial Day holiday. So the weekend of the 20-22 is pretty much the only weekend time I have for her birthday.

So if he were to call closer to his planned trip date, and I've already got plans for that next weekend, would I be in any trouble by telling him that I could not switch due to my own plans and he would be able to see the girls in 2 weeks on his regular scheduled day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question 2: If he does not call and takes the girls on his weekend, either 1 of 2 things will occur.

A) The girls (age 9 and 11) will stay home over the weekend with their 15 year old sister. I am okay with her watching them any other time, just a weekend overnight makes me very uncomfortable.

B) He will take them all with him on this trip. He took the 15 year old with him last year. Once again, due to the nature of this trip, I am uncomfortable with that.

If either scenario happens, is there any recourse legally? Arkansas does not have a set limit on the Code Books regarding age children can stay home alone, but I am unsure of overnights and for length of days unsupervised. Any legal recourse if he places our children in this type of situation?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just for the record, I have tried to discuss this weekend with him, but as I stated he knows what buttons to push. I don't like last minute stuff so every answer I have gotten is "Oh I don't know what I'm doing that weekend" or "I don't know if I'm even going to go"... when I see the opposite posted all over Facebook.

There is always that chance he doesn't go as well. And of course, when he tells all his friends, it will be "all my fault".

 

[stealth2]

Why don't you plan the birthday stuff for a weekend that is NOT going to be an issue? I've done it plenty of times, and it's never been an issue for the kiddo or friends. If you can't/won't switch w/e's with him, you can't really object to his plans. Well... you don't really get to do that anyway. His time, his parenting style.

And... maybe... if you quit panicking over everything he does, he might quit pushing those buttons. Just a thought.

 

[mommymushbrain]

As it stands right now, it is not an issue. He gets the 13-15 and 27-28, I get the weekend in between 20-22. Child's birthday is the 25. I am planning birthday on my weekend.

I am just wondering if I can get in trouble if he calls at last minute and wants to switch weekends, when I'll already have her birthday planned?

 

[stealth2]

As it stands right now, it is not an issue. He gets the 13-15 and 27-28, I get the weekend in between 20-22. Child's birthday is the 25. I am planning birthday on my weekend.

I am just wondering if I can get in trouble if he calls at last minute and wants to switch weekends, when I'll already have her birthday planned?

No, you can't get in trouble. But you also can't complain when he then makes plans you may not like for his weekend. See how that works?

 

[mommymushbrain]

Okay thank you.

 

[LdiJ]

As it stands right now, it is not an issue. He gets the 13-15 and 27-28, I get the weekend in between 20-22. Child's birthday is the 25. I am planning birthday on my weekend.

I am just wondering if I can get in trouble if he calls at last minute and wants to switch weekends, when I'll already have her birthday planned?

No, you cannot get into trouble if you are unable to accommodate a specific switch of weekends because you have plans. You are not obligated to switch weekends with him if he needs/wants to miss a weekend because there is something else he wants to do.

However, he does not have to accomodate you either in the same circumstances. I completely disagree with Stealth's advice to change your plans. I think that sets a poor precendence. HOWEVER, I do think that offering him an alternate weekend might be a good idea to help good co-parenting.

You could even be proactive (if its workable) and address the subject with him now so that if he wants to switch the weekend of his event with the weekend before, there is time to make that plan.

 

[mommymushbrain]

No, you cannot get into trouble if you are unable to accommodate a specific switch of weekends because you have plans. You are not obligated to switch weekends with him if he needs/wants to miss a weekend because there is something else he wants to do.

However, he does not have to accomodate you either in the same circumstances. I completely disagree with Stealth's advice to change your plans. I think that sets a poor precendence. HOWEVER, I do think that offering him an alternate weekend might be a good idea to help good co-parenting.

You could even be proactive (if its workable) and address the subject with him now so that if he wants to switch the weekend of his event with the weekend before, there is time to make that plan.

I would have no problems switching with him, as I stated, he's been very accomadating to me when I have needed to switch.

I attempt to be proactive, but he just wants to be almost uncooperative... hence the answers I get regarding the weekend as stated in my first post.

 

[mistoffolees]

I would have no problems switching with him, as I stated, he's been very accomadating to me when I have needed to switch.

I attempt to be proactive, but he just wants to be almost uncooperative... hence the answers I get regarding the weekend as stated in my first post.

Let's see if you can pick out the inconsistency.

The answer is simple. You tell him that you're going to plan the birthday party and need to send out invitations by some date. Tell him that if he wants to trade so that he can attend the party that he has to let you know before that date.

If he doesn't let you know before that date, then you go ahead with your plans and if he asks you to swap, you say "no, I already scheduled the party, but if you want me to watch the kids while you're gone, I'd be happy to".

That's it. No need for drama, no need to get all worked up about silly things.

 

[mommymushbrain]

Let's see if you can pick out the inconsistency.

The answer is simple. You tell him that you're going to plan the birthday party and need to send out invitations by some date. Tell him that if he wants to trade so that he can attend the party that he has to let you know before that date.

If he doesn't let you know before that date, then you go ahead with your plans and if he asks you to swap, you say "no, I already scheduled the party, but if you want me to watch the kids while you're gone, I'd be happy to".

That's it. No need for drama, no need to get all worked up about silly things.

LOL Yes, I know it is inconsistent, but that's how he's been... anytime I've asked for a switch, he's always been accomodating. However, when it comes to this, attempting to speak about the weekend, he's uncooperative.

Just out of curiousity, if it is his weekend and his plans, in all honesty, should I really be the one to point these things out to him regarding switching weekends? It almost has a too controlling feel to it. In my mind because it is his weekend/his plans, he needs to be the one to bring it up to me, not the other way around?

 

[mistoffolees]

LOL Yes, I know it is inconsistent, but that's how he's been... anytime I've asked for a switch, he's always been accomodating. However, when it comes to this, attempting to speak about the weekend, he's uncooperative.

Just out of curiousity, if it is his weekend and his plans, in all honesty, should I really be the one to point these things out to him regarding switching weekends? It almost has a too controlling feel to it. In my mind because it is his weekend/his plans, he needs to be the one to bring it up to me, not the other way around?

I guess it depends on whether your first priority is in proving how tough and right you can be or whether your first priority is what's best for the kids.

 

[LdiJ]

LOL Yes, I know it is inconsistent, but that's how he's been... anytime I've asked for a switch, he's always been accomodating. However, when it comes to this, attempting to speak about the weekend, he's uncooperative.

Just out of curiousity, if it is his weekend and his plans, in all honesty, should I really be the one to point these things out to him regarding switching weekends? It almost has a too controlling feel to it. In my mind because it is his weekend/his plans, he needs to be the one to bring it up to me, not the other way around?

I agree with you, in general. However, this is a case where you know that there could be a potential conflict and that you really cannot accomodate a "switch" for him for the weekend following what you think he is likely to want to do. Therefore being proactive can avoid conflicts.

I would be saying something to him along the lines of:

"Hey, I know that you normally do XXX event, and I know that it falls on your weekend this year. I just wanted to warn you that I have plans for the weekend following that event, so I am not going to be able to switch with you for that weekend, but if you want to switch for another weekend please let me know".

 

[CJane]

LOL Yes, I know it is inconsistent, but that's how he's been... anytime I've asked for a switch, he's always been accomodating. However, when it comes to this, attempting to speak about the weekend, he's uncooperative.

Frankly? I'd be uncooperative too. You're talking about him in this thread as if he's your child and you're the disapproving parent. You think he can't feel / hear / sense that?

Get over it. So what if he takes his kids on a float trip where there's "free flowing alcohol"? They're HIS kids.

 

[mommymushbrain]

I agree with you, in general. However, this is a case where you know that there could be a potential conflict and that you really cannot accomodate a "switch" for him for the weekend following what you think he is likely to want to do. Therefore being proactive can avoid conflicts.

I would be saying something to him along the lines of:

"Hey, I know that you normally do XXX event, and I know that it falls on your weekend this year. I just wanted to warn you that I have plans for the weekend following that event, so I am not going to be able to switch with you for that weekend, but if you want to switch for another weekend please let me know".

I like this. Thanks.

 

[mommymushbrain]

Frankly? I'd be uncooperative too. You're talking about him in this thread as if he's your child and you're the disapproving parent. You think he can't feel / hear / sense that?

Get over it. So what if he takes his kids on a float trip where there's "free flowing alcohol"? They're HIS kids.

Actually they are OUR kids.

 

[CJane]

Actually they are OUR kids.

On his weekends? They're HIS kids. You don't get to determine what he does or where he goes or whether or not you approve.

Same on your weekends.

Clearly, the court thinks that you're both fit parents. You need to make "get over it" your mantra.