Full Legal Custody

[breezymom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I am having repeated issues with the child's father, of whom cannot and will not accept medical opinions and, though he has been told to take the child, himself to investigate his claims, he still has not done so, but I have gone above normal in making sure his concerns were addressed.

I would like to go for full legal custody when we return to court (I already have other issues to discuss in court to go with this, however) so that I can comfortably make the decision to only have to subject my child to medical testing when it is necessary instead of based on her father's whim.

Background:

Age of child: 2

So far, my child's father has insisted, over the past two years that:

There is something seriously wrong with our child's eyes (numerous times he has said this and the child has been to the eye doctor twice before the age of 2 in my addressing these concerns). Results: Eyes are perfectly normal. Documentation from both times from the doctor. Doctor and I both told him to feel free to discuss with the doctor. Results from him: The eye doctor is wrong, he is right. The eye doctor (pediatric eye doctor, by the way) does not know what he is doing.

Child had a 2% gross motor delay at 10 months. I had requested the evaluation since she wasn't crawling, yet, and it was done by Early Intervention services. Results: Highly above average in language development (obviously at that point receptive language and non-verbal), Highly above average in fine motor skills, and the 2% delay in gross motor skills (25% delay is needed for receiving services). Since then, she has passed average for gross motor, as well and is currently in a toddler gymnastics class. At that point, we also had started swimming. She excels in the gymnastics. Results from him: Repeatedly harassed the E.I. people for over a month, threatened their jobs, said they did not do their jobs. Said there was something wrong with the child's hips and ankles.

Child's head grew abnormally quickly during infancy, so pediatrician requested a CT scan to rule out hydrocephalus. I took her, the scan was done. Results: Normal brain scan. No abnormalities of any sort seen. His results over the past 9 months: He says the child has blank stares for two minutes at a time. He is concerned about her speech. He is concerned because, he says, she does not follow his movements he tries to get her to follow. Results from my investigation: I sent audio to a woman I know who is certified to, and had for years taught, speech therapy. Her informal results were the child is above normal in receptive AND expressive, along with articulation.

I will be discussing this with my lawyer when it's time, but I thought I would come here and see what suggestions folks have so that maybe, if someone has some insight, I can at least attempt to maybe NOT have to petition for full legal. Obviously what I am doing isn't working for him.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I do not believe that what you have expressed is necessarily a basis for a change to sole legal custody. At least, it hasn't worked for a friend with a similar problem with her ex. (In NY. But at least the GAL is more irritated with him than her now.)

However, the actions you have taken (having the child evaluated by board certified drs) should give you some protection, legally, should you be taken to court. It's a PITA, but documenting that you've addressed the father's concerns can't hurt. (And yes, the opinion of a board certified specialist trumps your ex's layman's opinion.) Hopefully the father is just griping to you, not making abuse via medical neglect allegations to CPS.

There are ways to get to the point where one just accepts that their ex has annoying behaviors and not let it bother/affect one, or so my therapist claims.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I am having repeated issues with the child's father, of whom cannot and will not accept medical opinions and, though he has been told to take the child, himself to investigate his claims, he still has not done so, but I have gone above normal in making sure his concerns were addressed.

I would like to go for full legal custody when we return to court (I already have other issues to discuss in court to go with this, however) so that I can comfortably make the decision to only have to subject my child to medical testing when it is necessary instead of based on her father's whim.

Background:

Age of child: 2

So far, my child's father has insisted, over the past two years that:

There is something seriously wrong with our child's eyes (numerous times he has said this and the child has been to the eye doctor twice before the age of 2 in my addressing these concerns). Results: Eyes are perfectly normal. Documentation from both times from the doctor. Doctor and I both told him to feel free to discuss with the doctor. Results from him: The eye doctor is wrong, he is right. The eye doctor (pediatric eye doctor, by the way) does not know what he is doing.

Child had a 2% gross motor delay at 10 months. I had requested the evaluation since she wasn't crawling, yet, and it was done by Early Intervention services. Results: Highly above average in language development (obviously at that point receptive language and non-verbal), Highly above average in fine motor skills, and the 2% delay in gross motor skills (25% delay is needed for receiving services). Since then, she has passed average for gross motor, as well and is currently in a toddler gymnastics class. At that point, we also had started swimming. She excels in the gymnastics. Results from him: Repeatedly harassed the E.I. people for over a month, threatened their jobs, said they did not do their jobs. Said there was something wrong with the child's hips and ankles.

Child's head grew abnormally quickly during infancy, so pediatrician requested a CT scan to rule out hydrocephalus. I took her, the scan was done. Results: Normal brain scan. No abnormalities of any sort seen. His results over the past 9 months: He says the child has blank stares for two minutes at a time. He is concerned about her speech. He is concerned because, he says, she does not follow his movements he tries to get her to follow. Results from my investigation: I sent audio to a woman I know who is certified to, and had for years taught, speech therapy. Her informal results were the child is above normal in receptive AND expressive, along with articulation.

I will be discussing this with my lawyer when it's time, but I thought I would come here and see what suggestions folks have so that maybe, if someone has some insight, I can at least attempt to maybe NOT have to petition for full legal. Obviously what I am doing isn't working for him.

Red gave you good advice, and I am going to add some more. You getting sole legal custody won't change dad, won't make things better, and might make things worse.

If he knows that he has no legal say, it might make him more frantic and harassing, and could cause him to take you to court multiple times to try to force you to do what he thinks needs to be done.

As your child gets older, is more articulate, and more of her own "person", there is a reasonable chance that dad will calm down...particularly if she does well in school.

 

[mistoffolees]

I do not believe that what you have expressed is necessarily a basis for a change to sole legal custody. At least, it hasn't worked for a friend with a similar problem with her ex. (In NY. But at least the GAL is more irritated with him than her now.)

However, the actions you have taken (having the child evaluated by board certified drs) should give you some protection, legally, should you be taken to court. It's a PITA, but documenting that you've addressed the father's concerns can't hurt. (And yes, the opinion of a board certified specialist trumps your ex's layman's opinion.) Hopefully the father is just griping to you, not making abuse via medical neglect allegations to CPS.

There are ways to get to the point where one just accepts that their ex has annoying behaviors and not let it bother/affect one, or so my therapist claims.

There's another option besides full legal custody - it is possible for the court to give one parent sole decision making responsibility over medical decisions and leave everything else joint.

There are also other options. When Dad comes up with his complaints, have DAD take the child to the doctor and pay the bills. He'll get tired of it soon enough.

 

[BL]

What is the legal custody order now ? Joint ?

 

[xylene]

I would like to go for full legal custody when we return to court (I already have other issues to discuss in court to go with this, however) so that I can comfortably make the decision to only have to subject my child to medical testing when it is necessary instead of based on her father's whim.

You are not going to get full legal custody because dad is being more aggressive about medical concerns than you.

 

[mistoffolees]

You are not going to get full legal custody because dad is being more aggressive about medical concerns than you.

Especially since OP is going to have a problem. SHE is the one who took the child in for all these unneeded tests. How is she going to prove that it is Dad who has a problem? She was certainly free to decline to take the child un for unnecessary exams. Dad could turn the whole thing around on her.

 

[breezymom]

I have it in black and white from him and on recording (we are a one party consent state).

Also, as I posted, he harassed the Early Literacy people for over a month via phone, telling them they did not do their job properly and she has issues with her hips and ankles.

I also have it on file with the police department. He kept texting me, asking me what medication I was on while I was pregnant (I was on none). I kept telling him it was none of his business and to stop. He would stop, then text me about the child's "eye problem." Then he would ask me again about the medication. Then he went back to the eye problem. The officer took the number directly from the text messages, called him and spoke to him and told him to stop. When the officer got off the phone with him and out of the car, he was shaking his head and rolling his eyes and stated that the child's father was concerned that the medication I was on (again I was on none), was causing serious issues with our child's health. He said he finally got that out of the father after a great amount of rambling about things that had absolutely nothing to do concerning the officer's phone call. The officer stated that the father was, and he could tell the father knew he was, teetering on the line of aggravated harassment.

I have it in text in emails. The GAL has received phone calls from him about it. CPS has, according to him, received phone calls from him about it. The child, herself, is coming home saying things like, "I need my glasses for Daddy's," and "I can't see."

As for the other stuff, 4 weeks ago he wanted me to agree to let him violate the court order that the child is not to go to a certain county. I said no and if he wanted it changed, go file a petition to amend the visitation rules. As of this week's visitation, he still has not and brought it up again when he picked up the child. I told him we should not be discussing this in front of the child and he said he knew and then proceeded to ask if we were going to go to an arbitrator or court. I told him I am still waiting on the papers from the court.

So, he went home and sent me an email about the child's speech problem and seizure-like activity. I told him I had sincerely and thoroughly addressed his concerns. If he wanted to, I told him, he can take her to her doctor's office and told him how much the copay was. No response about that.

Instead, his response was to put a WWE mask on the child, put it up as his profile picture, and write the caption "Maybe I can sneak into (Name of county) County." There is a court order that the child can not go to that county and it is for a reason or there would not be one.

Every single time I have tried communicating with him about our child, this type of stuff happens and absolutely nothing gets resolved. I am frustrated.

 

[Proserpina]

I haven't read your post hx, OP.

But why exactly - if you don't mind? - is the child not allowed in X county?

That seems to be a very unusual clause.

 

[breezymom]

What is the legal custody order now ? Joint ?

Sorry, BL, yes it is Joint Legal.

 

[breezymom]

I haven't read your post hx, OP.

But why exactly - if you don't mind? - is the child not allowed in X county?

That seems to be a very unusual clause.

She is not allowed in there because he, according to him, has been run off the road by police and has been threatened. As a side note, apparently he has been threatened here, too, because he harassed someone with whom I work for well over a year, calling our work and trying to get the person fired, as well as harassing the person's friends. Apparently one of those people got tired of it and got a bit angry and more than told him to leave the person alone. This information was relayed to me by that person and him, in combination. His came while we were in court and he was pretty much told that with his behavior that was expected.

He has since continued to publicly slander the government, CPS, another children's agency, and more in that county, since.

 

[BL]

Sorry, BL, yes it is Joint Legal.

Generally courts will order joint legal as they like to see both parents communicate and resolve major issues concerning the child , however if the two parents can no longer effectively communicate about these types of issues the court may be inclined to change it .

Perhaps you can approach the father in a non hostile way to resolve this .

It sounds like you went the extra mile to make sure his concerns were addressed however and he still is not happy .

As another member stated ,the court may be inclined to give you alone the right to make medical decisions .

I doubt you can obtain sole legal custody though .

 

[breezymom]

BL: Every time I have approached him it has been in a non-hostile way, other than phoning the police when he would not leave me be about it. LOL Even this week, I had the child and was jumping up and down with her when he came to pick her up, telling her..."Daddy's here! Yay!"

I keep things business-like and calm. I wait until after I am done communicating with him and talk to my advocate at the hotline.

As for the medical only thing, that would at least be nice. He's had the opportunities to come to checkups and stuff, anyway, and has never come. He did make one attempt to come, calling me 15 minutes before the appointment, wanting me to pick him up (not the best situation), except I was nearly to the appointment and it was 20 minutes drive away.

 

[xylene]

He has since continued to publicly slander the government, CPS, another children's agency, and more in that county, since.

That is actually in your court order?

 

[breezymom]

No. I'm not sure where the confusion is with that. The court order was that the child cannot be taken into X County. That post was in response to someone asking why. I am sorry for any confusion...