ex's gf and abuse infront of and to my children

[teach85]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I have another thread on here from months back but didn't want to search back to try to find it. I have a quick question.

I have been hearing the children come home talking about their father and his live in gf (who he now has twins with) arguing and fighting alot. Sunday night while my children were at their fathers house a fight broke out. From what my 7 year old told me, dad and his gf started arguing and this woke him up. Gf started smacking and hitting the kids dad repeatedly in the face. My ex didn't do anything to stop her so my ex's sister who was there got in the middle and shoved the gf off of him. My son said he then went back to his room and threw one of his toys at the door breaking it because he was mad. Dad's gf then came in his room got up in his face and told him "You need to shut the f*** up" and tried to smack him in the face but he stepped back and she missed. His dad came in and pushed her away from him. She ended up leaving and saying she would be back later for her stuff.

I have not talked to their dad directly about this (I can't because of a current restraining order I have on him). I have talked to his sister who confirm what my son told me. My concern is that once all this blows over, that she will be back in the home. They have been on and off several times. What can I legally do to make sure this doesn't happen. This isn't the first time she has been abusive to my kids. She yells at them all the time and is just nasty with them. She has smacked my younger daughter in the face this summer. DCFS got envolved but it ended up being unfounded because it didn't leave marks. I am tired of my children being subjected to this. Would this recent event be grounds enough for me to file a restraining order against her for the kids? Their dad says he is done and that she will not be back but I find that hard to believe when they have been on and off again. I want to make sure she is no longer allowed near my children. I'm not comfortable just taking dad's word for it and then have her moving back in two months later.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I have another thread on here from months back but didn't want to search back to try to find it.

Spend the time.

You might find that nobody here is going to do it for you

 

[cyjeff]

STOP QUESTIONING YOUR SON ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN DAD'S HOUSE. I do not doubt that you need to know... I doubt that you need to use your 7 year old to do it.

There are people that will say what you are putting the child through is just as bad as what the girlfriend is doing.

Tomorrow, file for a restraining order against the girlfriend and your children. Be prepared to have to defend your child's words in a court of law as the truth. Be prepared to show the proof of any violence against the children.

 

[teach85]

STOP QUESTIONING YOUR SON ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN DAD'S HOUSE. I do not doubt that you need to know... I doubt that you need to use your 7 year old to do it.

There are people that will say what you are putting the child through is just as bad as what the girlfriend is doing.

Tomorrow, file for a restraining order against the girlfriend and your children. Be prepared to have to defend your child's words in a court of law as the truth. Be prepared to show the proof of any violence against the children.

Wow alittle rude, no need to shout! I am doing nothing to my children. When my child comes home and I can tell he is obviously upset I am going to ask him what is wrong. He started crying and tells me all of this.

 

[teach85]

Spend the time.

You might find that nobody here is going to do it for you

If it is needed I can try to find it. I didn't think it was needed though for what I was asking.

 

[cyjeff]

Wow alittle rude, no need to shout! I am doing nothing to my children. When my child comes home and I can tell he is obviously upset I am going to ask him what is wrong. He started crying and tells me all of this.

I was trying to be rude to get your attention.

The moment he started to tell the story, you should have stopped him and investigated another way while telling him you would make sure it never happened again.

Instead, you had him tell the whole thing. Now, he gets to feel responsible for whatever happens. At 7. He can't even cut his own meat yet and you will have him in court testifying.

 

[Isis1]

Wow alittle rude, no need to shout! I am doing nothing to my children. When my child comes home and I can tell he is obviously upset I am going to ask him what is wrong. He started crying and tells me all of this.

but you are pumping your child. i know. i know. you think you are doing something for the child. but in the end, all the child is feeling is betrayal of the other parent. and that is not a good feeling to give out to the child.

you can ask if s/he's upset. but don't ask why. you can tell him/her that it will be okay. but don't pump the child for information. get a third party involved. a school counselor. a therapist. anybody but you.

 

[teach85]

but you are pumping your child. i know. i know. you think you are doing something for the child. but in the end, all the child is feeling is betrayal of the other parent. and that is not a good feeling to give out to the child.

you can ask if s/he's upset. but don't ask why. you can tell him/her that it will be okay. but don't pump the child for information. get a third party involved. a school counselor. a therapist. anybody but you.

School counselor is involved already. Has been for a long time now. But when he comes home and wants to talk about it I am not going to tell him he can't talk to me about it. My son and I are really close and he talks to me about pretty much everything. This really isn't about his dad, it is about his dad's gf. His dad actually did the right thing this time and told her to get out. I just need to make sure she says out and away from my children.

 

[st-kitts]

The moment he started to tell the story, you should have stopped him and investigated another way while telling him you would make sure it never happened again.

I disagree with both these statements. First, my dealings for the past two years with my kids in counseling would indicate that stopping the child from talking would be a bad move. OP should talk with a counselor that deals with children to learn how to actively listen without pumping. There is a difference.

OP shouldn’t promise anything. The story the child is telling may or may not be presented accurately by the child. Even if the child is telling the story in a strictly factual basis and OP gets all the right people involved, it might repeat.

. but don't ask why. you can tell him/her that it will be okay. but don't pump the child for information. get a third party involved. a school counselor. a therapist. anybody but you.

Agreed. I think it is perfectly appropriate to ask an upset child what is wrong in any situation. Once the OP realizes it is a Dad situation, OP should listen but use care not to pump. And with a 7 year old the fact the child is coming from Dad’s doesn’t automatically mean the child is upset about Dad.

My 7 year old got in the car visibly upset after school a week or so ago. Me: “What is wrong sweetie, did something happen at school.” Sweetie: “It isn’t fair that Christmas takes so long to get here.”

 

[CSO286]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I have another thread on here from months back but didn't want to search back to try to find it. I have a quick question.

Click on "user CP" in the top left
then click "my profile"
then "stats"
then "find all threads started by user"


Not that hard.

 

[teach85]

The judge granted the Order of Protection without so much as batting an eye. He also assured me that my 7 year old will not have to testify when we go back in two weeks to get the final order. I am subpoenaing their aunt to make sure she does show up for the court date. He said her testimony along with what my son told me would suffice.

 

[LillianX]

That's good news.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in THAT house tonight.

 

[teach85]

That's good news.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in THAT house tonight.

Actually it will be at their work. My ex and his gf both work at the same place on second shift. They will be serving her sometime tonight while she is at work! I would love to be a fly on that wall!

 

[cyjeff]

The judge granted the Order of Protection without so much as batting an eye. He also assured me that my 7 year old will not have to testify when we go back in two weeks to get the final order. I am subpoenaing their aunt to make sure she does show up for the court date. He said her testimony along with what my son told me would suffice.

That is excellent news.

I don't know whether telling your son what is happening is right or wrong or how to break it to him - each child is different.

I recommend you contact the school guidance counselor and ask for, well, guidance. Ask if you can break the news to him with the counselor there if the counselor is someone your son trusts.

The most important thing to do here is to make sure the victim doesn't feel responsible for what happens to the adults.

 

[teach85]

That is excellent news.

I don't know whether telling your son what is happening is right or wrong or how to break it to him - each child is different.

I recommend you contact the school guidance counselor and ask for, well, guidance. Ask if you can break the news to him with the counselor there if the counselor is someone your son trusts.

The most important thing to do here is to make sure the victim doesn't feel responsible for what happens to the adults.

He has been very worried about having to go to his dad's this weekend and her being there( as she is suppose to be coming to getting her stuff this weekend). I am hoping that with all that happened last weekend their dad will agree to just letting them say with me this Sunday. That way she can get her stuff without the risk of more conflict infront of the kids. I told him that "I went and talked to some people today and am doing what I can to make sure him and his sister don't have to be around her anymore". I didn't want to go as far as promising him that he wont being seeing her anymore. While I am quiet confident from the judges response today that I will be able to get the final order with no issues, but I don't want to promise him something and then something go wrong! He seemed to be very relieved and is now looking forward to the next time he gets to go to his dad's (the other night he said he never wanted to go over there again). He is planning all the things that they (him and his dad) can actually do now that she isn't there.