Son being messenger of adult discussions

[Ohiogal]

Because according the FOC investigator and what I've read here, it's one parent's obligation to encourage a relationship with the other.

Based on that and pending custody matter...seems like Dad should have said "sorry son, but I'm sure you'll enjoy your time with mom this year!"

Or does that kind of advice only float when you're using it to bash someone on here

And your history shows you have done a dynamite job at facilitating and encouraging it provided it doesn't cut your child support or dad doesn't step in to do anything with his son that has not been approved by you.

LADY, you have issues -- SEVERE ISSUES. The biggest one being you don't want to face reality. Enjoy time with you this year? Ummm, when? Before or after you are mentally abusing him, taking him to court for incorrigibility, refusing to cooperate with the courts?

 

[StayGravity]

First off your son is 14 years old. He has his own ideas and knows things that he wants. If your 14 year old son is asking for things, you should let him. He has to make his own decisions as he gets older. By forcing things on him, you are telling him that his ideas, thoughts, and feelings do not matter.

By letting him choose who he wants to spend the holiday with, you are telling him that you respect him and that you want him to be happy.

However if you force him to stay with you for the holiday, just because your Visitation and Custody order says its your turn, tells him that you do not care about his feelings.

You sound Narcissistic. You don't want him to stay because its your turn, you want him to stay with you because you do not want him to be with his father. That in itself is selfish.

If you continue down the path you are on, when your son turns 18 he is going to alienate you.

 

[AkersTile]

I just spent a while reading your history. Yeah, I agree with Dad, Kiddo, and everyone on this board. You need help and kiddo needs to be with Dad. If your son got to the point that you had to file incorrigability (sp?) on him, because he wanted to be with his DAD, why would you not at least give him and Dad the chance to try it? Maybe it would have been better for kiddo, maybe not, but noone knows until the opportunity is there. It is a better option for you to chance losing your son to the state (or more likely to Dad anyway). And FYI, the courts can place a child in a group home/foster home if one parent files incorrigability. It happened to me when I was 13, and I am aware of a few others that have had that done with their own children (in multiple states). You are on a power trip and you need to stop or once kiddo turns 18, Dad is the only parent he will have a relationship with.

 

[Ohiogal]

I just spent a while reading your history. Yeah, I agree with Dad, Kiddo, and everyone on this board. You need help and kiddo needs to be with Dad. If your son got to the point that you had to file incorrigability (sp?) on him, because he wanted to be with his DAD, why would you not at least give him and Dad the chance to try it? Maybe it would have been better for kiddo, maybe not, but noone knows until the opportunity is there. It is a better option for you to chance losing your son to the state (or more likely to Dad anyway). And FYI, the courts can place a child in a group home/foster home if one parent files incorrigability. It happened to me when I was 13, and I am aware of a few others that have had that done with their own children (in multiple states). You are on a power trip and you need to stop or once kiddo turns 18, Dad is the only parent he will have a relationship with.

The funny (in a sad disturbing way) thing is that we are all basing it strictly on OP's posts which normally try to paint the poster in a positive light and aren't necessarily including all the negative about THEM.

I feel sorry for the child.

 

[kaizen]

OG (That's the only good thing about you- those initials are those of my late daughter Reread slowly this time. I did follow courts advice.

I came here to ask a question that revolved around son's best interest in the initial post pertaining to Thanksgiving weekend.

Stealth, my comment right after yours was not intended as a reply to yours. I hadn't read yours yet. Think we were typing at the same time.

 

[AkersTile]

OG (That's the only good thing about you- those initials are those of my late daughter Reread slowly this time. I did follow courts advice.

I came here to ask a question that revolved around son's best interest in the initial post pertaining to Thanksgiving weekend.

Stealth, my comment right after yours was not intended as a reply to yours. I hadn't read yours yet. Think we were typing at the same time.

I don't feel like rereading and I don't remember if you have already said or not, if you have an attorney, please direct all questions, concerns, etc. to them. If not, please retain an attorney.

OG is a Family Law Attorney and Guardian Ad Litem for children. She knows what she is talking about, as do the majority of the posters on this site.

Thanks! Have a great day!

 

[Ohiogal]

OG (That's the only good thing about you- those initials are those of my late daughter Reread slowly this time. I did follow courts advice.

I came here to ask a question that revolved around son's best interest in the initial post pertaining to Thanksgiving weekend.

Stealth, my comment right after yours was not intended as a reply to yours. I hadn't read yours yet. Think we were typing at the same time.

Kaizen,

I have read. All of your threads. I don't see where dad did anything wrong. YOUR son is 14. The fact that you want control of him for the child support, that he claimed mental abuse and you claimed incorrigibility, says a lot about your relationship with him. Try getting some therapy to work on yourself.

Your son asked you a question. That doesn't mean he is involved in adult discussions.

 

[dlw99]

My daughters were kept from me on special occasions for equally petty reasons by their CP mother. Kids are now in their mid-twenties, and they deeply resent her for such behavior.

Perhaps if you start showing some consideration for your boy's wish to spend time with his Dad, he might return the kindness, possibly when you least expect it.

 

[CJane]

History aside, Kaizen...

There's a difference between allowing a child input into decisions that affect them and involving a child in legal matters.

My kids asked if they could come early on Wednesday. I told them that was between them and their father. The oldest is 14, and if she wants to ask her dad to juggle the schedule, she has every right to.

It's no different in my opinion, than the child knowing about an event that takes place during 'your' time and asking you to let them attend. You have every right to say no. But kiddo has the right to ask. And (again, MO) I don't think that dad should necessarily insert himself into that conversation at kiddo's age.

If you were an intact family, would kiddo have input, or would every conversation be held outside his hearing?

 

[LdiJ]

I cannot disagree with anyone on this thread, however it does send a very mixed message to anyone else reading it.

We are always very consistent with "children do not choose", particularly about visitation. I think its important to note that this thread has special circumstances and that in the normal course of things one parent should not give up their holiday time to the other just because that is what the child wants.

I would hate to see a parent in the "dad" position as regards to this thread get themselves in hot water with the courts for encouraging his child to choose. In fact, I am not entirely sure that the dad in this thread won't have repercussions from this based on what mom said in the original post.

 

[Ohiogal]

I cannot disagree with anyone on this thread, however it does send a very mixed message to anyone else reading it.

We are always very consistent with "children do not choose", particularly about visitation. I think its important to note that this thread has special circumstances and that in the normal course of things one parent should not give up their holiday time to the other just because that is what the child wants.

I would hate to see a parent in the "dad" position as regards to this thread get themselves in hot water with the courts for encouraging his child to choose. In fact, I am not entirely sure that the dad in this thread won't have repercussions from this based on what mom said in the original post.

Except for the fact that what MOM said in the original post wasn't quite accurate. The child wanted to know if he could go to dad's early. That is NOT an adult discussion. That is NOT having the child choose. That is the child talking to mom about spending time with his dad. Considering the POSTING history of this OP -- which the link to all her threads has been posted -- she needs to play nice. Posting history matters -- especially IN HER CASE. It is NOT a mixed message. It is a comment STRICTLY based on everything this poster has posted and what the child was stating. It is not about choosing. It is about a child asking his mother for a favor. Which she can grant or not. The child is NOT being a messenger but rather stating his opinion. Children can have that -- you in fact have said their opinion sways judges to the point of them CHOOSING in Indiana (not correct that they choose legally but you have said that. This is not delivering messages but rather stating an opinion.

 

[CJane]

I cannot disagree with anyone on this thread, however it does send a very mixed message to anyone else reading it.

We are always very consistent with "children do not choose", particularly about visitation. I think its important to note that this thread has special circumstances and that in the normal course of things one parent should not give up their holiday time to the other just because that is what the child wants.

I would hate to see a parent in the "dad" position as regards to this thread get themselves in hot water with the courts for encouraging his child to choose. In fact, I am not entirely sure that the dad in this thread won't have repercussions from this based on what mom said in the original post.

I don't think that this is a 'kid choosing' issue. This is a kid saying "hey, I'd really like to spend the holiday with dad, if that's ok with you".

I'm not a 'kids don't have a say in the direction of their lives' parent though. I think if a kiddo can clearly and logically think through and articulate their desires/what THEY think is in their best interests, it SHOULD be considered. Otherwise, when they reach the magical '18' mark, they aren't going to have a clue HOW to make decisions.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't think that this is a 'kid choosing' issue. This is a kid saying "hey, I'd really like to spend the holiday with dad, if that's ok with you".

I'm not a 'kids don't have a say in the direction of their lives' parent though. I think if a kiddo can clearly and logically think through and articulate their desires/what THEY think is in their best interests, it SHOULD be considered. Otherwise, when they reach the magical '18' mark, they aren't going to have a clue HOW to make decisions.

I don't disagree with you at all. I do think that teens should have some input into their lives if they can clearly articulate their reasons. I just had some concern that the entire thread was about letting the child choose, and that while it was completely valid in this instance, I was concerned that it would send a mixed message to others reading the thread.

Everyone knows that my state is a bit unusual in the amount of weight that a teen's wishes are given, but I do know that its not the same in many other states, so I am very cognizant of the issue.

 

[stealth2]

It's a fine line, especially with teens. Should they be involved in the nitty-gritty aspects of their parents' divorce? Absolutely not. But... They should have the ability to have their thoughts/feelings at least considered.

When it comes to holiday time... A lot would depend on the why's of the desire, as well as what other plans may have been made (and how easily they might be moved).

 

[kaizen]

Woo hoo and virtual champagne across the room.

I just got the FOC recommendation and they are recommending custody remain with me, saying I've demonstrated a greater capacity for love, affection and guidance and that dad has not met his burden of proof.

Like I said, these forums are one dimensional and I own my part in that. I don't type and share everything, and likely leave out relevant facts in doing so.