Vent about all the Holiday visit threads

[Nevergrowup]

Just a vent, but why do parents think kids are like wishbones to be pulled back and forth over the holidays? Don't they realize that kids don't want to spend half their Christmas day traveling? Or being fought over, just over a few hours? Although holidays are nice for adults, they are magical for children, and petty squabling over "no, I get to pick up at 11 not 12" or kids flying somewhere on Christmas day RUINS it for them. The "well, my family wants to see the kids" crap is just crap. Why are the adults always oh so much more important than the children in this situation? And for sure, involve the police when you don't get your way, because officers at the door make for a special holiday memory for the kiddies.

I guess as long as the adults get what they want, that is all that matters. It makes me sick. Maybe the parents on here complaining over a couple of hours should sit back and think about what their selfishness does to the kids they claim to care so much about.

 

[Silverplum]

Too true, and too sad.

 

[Ohiogal]

Just a vent, but why do parents think kids are like wishbones to be pulled back and forth over the holidays? Don't they realize that kids don't want to spend half their Christmas day traveling? Or being fought over, just over a few hours? Although holidays are nice for adults, they are magical for children, and petty squabling over "no, I get to pick up at 11 not 12" or kids flying somewhere on Christmas day RUINS it for them. The "well, my family wants to see the kids" crap is just crap. Why are the adults always oh so much more important than the children in this situation? And for sure, involve the police when you don't get your way, because officers at the door make for a special holiday memory for the kiddies.

I guess as long as the adults get what they want, that is all that matters. It makes me sick. Maybe the parents on here complaining over a couple of hours should sit back and think about what their selfishness does to the kids they claim to care so much about.

Agreed. It becomes ridiculous because all the kids normally want is to be happy and see their parents. They don't want to be the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Who cares if Thanksgiving is celebrated on Saturday before or afternoon or Christmas happens on three different days? Usually the KIDS love it. More presents. More candy. More cookies. More love. The parents need to chill and relax and act like adults. Seriously.

And before anyone starts trying to say that I don't get it -- my daughter is NOT going to be with me on Thanksgiving. She's with her dad. My thanksgiving is on Saturday. Oh and some years her dad JOINS us for Thanksgiving. Other years we spend Christmas together. And no, we didn't start out our divorce LOVING each other but we love our daughter MORE than anything and WE can act like adults.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Agreed. It becomes ridiculous because all the kids normally want is to be happy and see their parents. They don't want to be the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Who cares if Thanksgiving is celebrated on Saturday before or afternoon or Christmas happens on three different days? Usually the KIDS love it. More presents. More candy. More cookies. More love. The parents need to chill and relax and act like adults. Seriously.

And before anyone starts trying to say that I don't get it -- my daughter is NOT going to be with me on Thanksgiving. She's with her dad. My thanksgiving is on Saturday. Oh and some years her dad JOINS us for Thanksgiving. Other years we spend Christmas together. And no, we didn't start out our divorce LOVING each other but we love our daughter MORE than anything and WE can act like adults.

Exactly! I LOVED having more than one Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was little. I got to celebrate it more than once, what kid wouldn't love that? And it built traditions for later...one family always has their party on the weekend before Christmas, the other the weekend after...all for the children. I have three dads, which makes for a lot of families to see, and coordination and putting the kids first all made it possible. I cherish each and every memory I have of those "extra" holidays.

And...there have been holidays when I didn't see my own daughter. Her dad had her every Thanksgiving for years. Why? Because that was his family's big deal, and although I missed her, I knew she was where she should be. And believe me, my ex and I aren't buddies. We just kept in mind her best interest, not our own.

 

[LdiJ]

Agreed. It becomes ridiculous because all the kids normally want is to be happy and see their parents. They don't want to be the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Who cares if Thanksgiving is celebrated on Saturday before or afternoon or Christmas happens on three different days? Usually the KIDS love it. More presents. More candy. More cookies. More love. The parents need to chill and relax and act like adults. Seriously.

And before anyone starts trying to say that I don't get it -- my daughter is NOT going to be with me on Thanksgiving. She's with her dad. My thanksgiving is on Saturday. Oh and some years her dad JOINS us for Thanksgiving. Other years we spend Christmas together. And no, we didn't start out our divorce LOVING each other but we love our daughter MORE than anything and WE can act like adults.

I think that if divorced/never married families would just find a way to come up with a consistent "tradition" that everything could work out for everyone.
Without the "tug of war". However, I do recognize that it can be extremely difficult if there are multiple family members who are divorced, or multiple generations that are divorced.

I have a family friend who started celebrating Thanksgiving on the Saturday after, and Christmas either on the Saturday before or after, just to avoid those kinds of problems. All exes involved in her family respected that and were grateful for that so they always respect her holiday and make sure that the children get to be there.

I will never forget the year that my ex and I split up, because we tried to do it all and our daughter got totally fed up. Her birthday is Christmas Eve as well. So she had two parties on her birthday (dad's and my families) and we tried to do three Christmases on Christmas (santa at home, one with dad, and the big party at my parent's). By the time she got to the big party at my parents she was totally fed up.

So, we decided to celebrate her birthday, together, the Saturday before the holiday (which meant her friends could actually come to her birthday party), dad joined us for Santa at my house, and then we did the big Christmas at my parent's. His family was in Italy, so they were not a factor.

Some other people I know, who lived 7 hours apart had their orders written that exchanges took place at noon on Thanksgiving and noon on Christmas Day, which was absurd (the orders were written when they already lived 7 hours apart). All that did was ruin the holidays for EVERYONE. When they finally got their heads out of their behinds they started alternating.

 

[stealth2]

Neither of mine are with me Thanksgiving, either. My oldest is going to his girlfriend's for the weekend, and my youngest is going out of town for a sports event. So we had Thanksgiving this past Saturday. There have been lots of years when they've been at their Dad's for one holiday or another - we just celebrate on another day.

Heck - last year, we postponed Christmas for two weeks 'cause December is such a hectic time for me at work. By celebrating two weeks later, we avoided the crowds shopping, saved lots of money, and got to really ENJOY the holiday and spending time together. I would happily do that every year. When they're older and have their own families it will take that stress of where to spend the holiday off of them. Win-win.

 

[tuffbrk]

My sister does a traditional Polish Easter and my sons don't like the food. My brother is married out of the Christian faith and so he doesn't celebrate Easter. Me? Well, it's just me. So my sons spend Easter at their Grandmother's where assorted members participate.

My sister goes to her daughter's for Thanksgiving, My brother goes to his sister-in-law's. Again, just me. So again my sons spend it at their Grandmother's house where almost all their Dad's family members go to celebrate it.

From time to time I sigh because I'd like one holiday other than Christmas Day with my sons. But they like the opportunity to see their cousins, aunts and uncles. My ex MIL is in her mid 80's. Every holiday could be her last one.

The bonus? Easter breakfast is with me and then I get to relax the rest of the day. Thanksgiving dinner is prepared, served and eaten in my PJ's. And my sons always come looking for me at dessert time without me pressuring, asking or saying a word.

Of course, the cousins (on both sides) are getting older, marrying, having children and so the holiday "landscape" continues to change for my sons. A few more years down the road, and I'm guessing there are going to be fewer and fewer participants during dinners at the ex MIL's and my sons will be back celebrating with me for those holiday dinners.

It has nothing to do with my Ex. It has everything to do with my sons and their preferences. I may get lonely here and there, but they always walk in for dessert with huge smiles on their faces. Which is how it should be.

 

[txprincess]

In my home, we celebrate the OCCASSION...NOT the date on the calendar.

I don't have my boys for Thanksgiving this year, so we had a dinner last Thursday and played Xbox and did our usual hokey family sing along. Good times. Now on Thanksgiving day, I can do all the internet shopping and Black Friday planning I want without little eyes peeking over my shoulder.

Come Christmas, if it's not my year, guess what??? Santa makes a super special trip BACK to our house on the 26th to leave gifts while the boys are sleeping. How cool is it that Santa makes a trip just for them?!? Who cares what number is on the calendar? And another plus is that our Christmas dinner can be ANYWHERE since every restaurant is open! Pretty cool, huh?

It's up to us adults to adjust and make these events special. Celebrate the time we have with our kids rather than fuss and argue over every single minute.

 

[CSO286]

I used to do shift work in the medical field.

As anyone who has done it on a regular basis will tell you, you have to work holidays and weekends. So it's much like a custody arrangement.....you plan around what's going on. Kids don't care about the exact date of thanksgiving, or christmas, and most of them don't really care about the exact date of their birthdays.

What they care about are the presents and the opportunity to be the center of attention.

When you are too damn busy fighting with your ex about pickups and drops offs and whose holiday trumps whose weekend, the kids are the ones who lose.

 

[LdiJ]

I used to do shift work in the medical field.

As anyone who has done it on a regular basis will tell you, you have to work holidays and weekends. So it's much like a custody arrangement.....you plan around what's going on. Kids don't care about the exact date of thanksgiving, or christmas, and most of them don't really care about the exact date of their birthdays.

What they care about are the presents and the opportunity to be the center of attention.

When you are too damn busy fighting with your ex about pickups and drops offs and whose holiday trumps whose weekend, the kids are the ones who lose.

My daughter has to miss Thanksgiving this year. She works at a very high end nursing home and they basically told her that she has to either work a double shift on Thanksgiving, or work a double shift on Christmas, and she chose to work Thanksgiving.

 

[TheGeekess]

For many years in my nuclear family, Christmas and Thanksgiving were scheduled/celebrated around: 3 hospital schedules, 2 firefighter schedules and a LEO schedule. Then we started adding more in-laws (and with them, the requisite children, including a step or two). This year, we will celebrate Thanksgiving with our parents on different days over the weekend, since herding cats didn't happen. We're used to it. One year, the grandfather that abandoned my then 12YO dad's family died and was buried Thanksgiving 400 miles from where we lived. We had a late holiday that year.

Don't get hung up on a date on a calendar.

 

[kimberlywrites]

Oh yes, I quite clearly remember the Christmas when my kids (ages 3 and 5 at the time) had no idea their little lives were about to change. They were prancing around the Christmas tree singing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer." That was the worst night of my life, hands down.
That being said, I think there's clearly a generational issue here. I wrote a story once about it in terms of careers - how Baby Boomers view Gen X'ers and how Gen X'ers see Gen Y'ers yada yada yada. I see some of the same stuff on this forum when it comes to parenting, divorce, visitation and such.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Oh yes, I quite clearly remember the Christmas when my kids (ages 3 and 5 at the time) had no idea their little lives were about to change. They were prancing around the Christmas tree singing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer." That was the worst night of my life, hands down.
That being said, I think there's clearly a generational issue here. I wrote a story once about it in terms of careers - how Baby Boomers view Gen X'ers and how Gen X'ers see Gen Y'ers yada yada yada. I see some of the same stuff on this forum when it comes to parenting, divorce, visitation and such.

Okay, now you have to tell what happened on that night! I've read your posts but am not familiar with your history...

That is an interesting observation. One would think, though, that the "new" generation of parents would be used to the trends of celebrating holidays on different days, since they were possibly products of broken marriages themselves. I just don't get the selfishness. Some of these parents act like the holidays are all about them.

 

[breezymom]

I completely agree. It's sad and stressful. I still don't know what is going on Thanksgiving for us. I am going to sit down with my safehouse advocate and take a look at the state outlined parenting plan to see if I can submit something fair for the child to our court.

Dad said as far as holidays he ONLY wants her ON the day the holiday is, i/e Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, Christmas on Christmas, etc. With me it isn't that important to a point: Why is that good for him and not for me and really more importantly, how stressful is that to the child? I'd be willing to split the holidays and alternate them, celebrating the holidays she is with Dad on a different day. He won't agree to it, however. And he never answers about scheduling them until sometimes within 24 hours of the holiday, so we can't schedule anything with other family. Last year, for example, he was adamant on having her on Christmas from 9 AM to 5 PM (she was 1.5 years old). How realistic and exhausting is that for a 1 year old?

I am praying to get things sorted out quickly now that I know what resources I have to do so, so that our child can enjoy the holidays with both parents. Hopefully Dad will come around. Lord knows I am not perfect in the situation and there are things that I can do better, but I want our child to be happy, hence the reason why I came here. I want to keep seeking resources on how to better address her needs, regardless of the circumstances.

How do the general parenting plans work, like, say, when holidays are alternated? Is this less stressful on the child if I were supportive of it? This thread brings up some very good points and I would like to see some ideas of things that work for folks and the kiddos. I will search the threads, too, but since this thread is this topic and general instead of one parent bashing the other, I figure why not ask...

 

[gam]

As already said kids do not care what day it is done on. Most kids I know(ton in my extended family who are in split households), think it is way cool to get 2 HOLIDAYS.

Grandson thinks he is special because Santa makes a special stop at 1 of his houses prior to making stops at most houses. It also works great for my daughter and me as we both work in a hospital and have to do x amount of holidays. We are Union though, so seniority rules and we get to pick our shift. So we are working midnight shift which starts on Wed night, when we get off in the morning, we get the turkey and stuffing ready, in the oven and take a nap.

It's also great for half and step siblings of the child, as they to get 2 holidays, one for the kid with 2 homes and 1 on the day, cause we still do something on the day.

It's also great for extended adult family members. As many have significant others and they get to go on the holiday some years to the significant others family and still celebrate with their own family.

You still can have all the same family traditions on another day, we manage just fine. The main tradition that should be taught to children, is spending time with family around the Holiday season. Folks the holiday season runs from Thanksgiving all the way to New Years day, plenty of time to do everything you want and still share the child with another family fairly.

Only downside really is if the holiday is Christmas and you do the holiday before the child goes to the other home for Christmas, you must get all your shopping, cooking, wrapping and all of that done early.

If one wants you can work around anything, and we have found that everyone else seems fine with changing things around every other year.