Full Legal Custody

[breezymom]

Ok, misto. Then how can I not contribute to the stress? I really don't want to contribute to it.

 

[breezymom]

Maybe just outright ignore it and say, "Hi baby," to our little monkey? This is why I am tossing things around, now, so that I have an idea of how to minimize it when he returns her.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok, misto. Then how can I not contribute to the stress? I really don't want to contribute to it.

You simply ignore irrelevant stuff. Unless he's saying something that you need to know about the child, just ignore it. Or say "thank you for that information" or something non-committal. And don't extend your feelings onto her. For example, the fact that YOU are uncomfortable about 'the claw' doesn't mean that she is.

 

[breezymom]

Ok, thanks, again, misto. So I was headed in the right direction, then. I am too emotionally attached to the situation and I realise that, which is why I come here.

Just one thing to clarify, and to clarify the following statement isn't supposed to be defensive, rather just informational and to explain so that there aren't any misconceptions:

It's not the claw that concerned me. It's simply that he

1. Brought our daughter directly into an adult matter and
2. Even spoke about the CPS issue in front of her

 

[stealth2]

If "the claw" is a game they play, it isn't strictly an adult matter. You also play a role in how the "conversation" goes.

Also... I wouldn't be emailing the recording to the law guardian. Your lawyer? Sure. But you don't want the LG to be drowned in stuff - especially when you're participating in it. Just... chill.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

It's not the claw that concerned me. It's simply that he

1. Brought our daughter directly into an adult matter and
2. Even spoke about the CPS issue in front of her

In the post from earlier today? You didn't mention that he brought up anything about CPS. Just that he tried to do the claw with her, that it was a family thing, and that it doesn't cause bruising. The bruising comment is the only thing that even hints at an "adult matter".

I agree with Misto. Take the drama down a notch by just relaxing. Instead of anticipating every little thing that might happen and planning your exact reaction to each, take a deep breath and put a smile on. My guess is that it has nothing to do with what you are saying and everything to do with your tense body language.

 

[breezymom]

Thank you. And, yes, it had to do with the CPS report. That was in the cps report to be fair that, on the off chance because of the coincidence that she also had come home that same day talking about it and grabbing her arm, that it was done during horseplay. Part of the whole conversation on his end was that I need to know it doesn't cause bruising. Common sense says, well no, normally it doesn't, as long as someone doesn't get caught up in the moment, which we all have that possibility, which was also why I tried to be fair in that sense about it. *Edit: I just re-read your response, The Non Mom. I see you did put that in and that makes sense, yes. That is actually the part when I began to feel frustrated was after he said that comment. It's time (been time, but now that I know more and have already gotten better at it) to emotionally detach as much as humanly possible. At least if I practice ignoring it, that will take much emotion out of it.

I wanted the concern reported, since I was concerned, because of his temper and seeing how he dealt with his eldest during his blow ups. I read on here all the time things like, "Why didn't you report it when you were concerned before this happened?" I am also, by law and profession, a mandated reporter. Most importantly, her welfare is my responsibility when she is in my care.

Yes, I do overanalyse. I am trying to reduce that.

I was headed in the right direction with my last response before misto's last one and you both added very important, pertinent and useful information and I thank you for that. So, before the return exchange happens, I will take a deep breath and just ignore completely, like I have been better able to (but not perfected, yet), in our written communication.

And, really, since CPS is scheduling a family meeting, I think that is the place, probably, to be able to discuss that stuff.

 

[breezymom]

Ok. I've been reviewing and considering, and thinking (probably over analysing, but I want to work on making this the best experience I can on my end for our child).

1. I will NO longer log into my FB account when she is in his custody. If something is important, he will send me a message and it will go to email.

2. I will make note of how I DO ignore "everyday" type of comments that I don't like so that maybe I can apply some of those strategies to this situation.

3. In order to do #2, I will have to start pounding it into myself that he is my EX. He is not, for all practical purposes, a part of MY every day life. I am not saying that he is not a part of our child's life, but what I am saying is that I do NOT have to think about him every day (leading to 4), which means also that

4. I have and WILL encourage him to be a part of our child's life, which means if she brings up, for example, that she had fun at Daddy's because... Then I will continue to be truly happy that she did have a wonderful experience (This part I have never had an issue with. I am thankful for any time she has a great experience and, ideally, hope this is true every single time.)

5. As for the frequency of communication, for now, since we will be having the family therapy sessions and the CPS family meetings, I suppose the best would (probably?) be unless it is important, to talk about this stuff during those times, depending on the frequency of those and if it doesn't average out to be once a week, add in to make it about that. Along with this, common sense, enough, things like sick (which are extremely rare), and well-child appointments.

Sound like a good start?

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok. I've been reviewing and considering, and thinking (probably over analysing, but I want to work on making this the best experience I can on my end for our child).

1. I will NO longer log into my FB account when she is in his custody. If something is important, he will send me a message and it will go to email.

2. I will make note of how I DO ignore "everyday" type of comments that I don't like so that maybe I can apply some of those strategies to this situation.

3. In order to do #2, I will have to start pounding it into myself that he is my EX. He is not, for all practical purposes, a part of MY every day life. I am not saying that he is not a part of our child's life, but what I am saying is that I do NOT have to think about him every day (leading to 4), which means also that

4. I have and WILL encourage him to be a part of our child's life, which means if she brings up, for example, that she had fun at Daddy's because... Then I will continue to be truly happy that she did have a wonderful experience (This part I have never had an issue with. I am thankful for any time she has a great experience and, ideally, hope this is true every single time.)

5. As for the frequency of communication, for now, since we will be having the family therapy sessions and the CPS family meetings, I suppose the best would (probably?) be unless it is important, to talk about this stuff during those times, depending on the frequency of those and if it doesn't average out to be once a week, add in to make it about that. Along with this, common sense, enough, things like sick (which are extremely rare), and well-child appointments.

Sound like a good start?

Yes. And:

6. Not every comment from him requires a response. If he says something you don't want to talk about, just ignore it or say something non-committal and change the subject.

7. Stop trying to control his life. He is completely entitled to bring up any subject he wishes to discuss - and you are not able to prevent that. (you can, of course, ignore it). You control yourself, not him.

8. Don't impute your emotions onto the child. The child is 2, for Pete's sake. It is very unlikely that the child is uncomfortable with the things you are claiming. As far as the child is concerned, all that matters is "when is my next meal?". (OK, not entirely true, but you should get the message). The child isn't uncomfortable with Dad. The child MAY BE uncomfortable with the way that you are relating with Dad and dragging the child into it. So back off.

 

[stealth2]

Where's that Like button?

 

[breezymom]

Yes. And:

6. Not every comment from him requires a response. If he says something you don't want to talk about, just ignore it or say something non-committal and change the subject.

7. Stop trying to control his life. He is completely entitled to bring up any subject he wishes to discuss - and you are not able to prevent that. (you can, of course, ignore it). You control yourself, not him.

8. Don't impute your emotions onto the child. The child is 2, for Pete's sake. It is very unlikely that the child is uncomfortable with the things you are claiming. As far as the child is concerned, all that matters is "when is my next meal?". (OK, not entirely true, but you should get the message). The child isn't uncomfortable with Dad. The child MAY BE uncomfortable with the way that you are relating with Dad and dragging the child into it. So back off.

6. Got it. Thank you.

7. Got that better, now, thank you again.

8. God I would *like* to hope I am not doing that, but that's not realistic when I'm so emotional because it is human. Thank you. I will stop doing that by doing the rest.

Ok monkey just came back and nothing was said at all and he had his mother with him. His mom waved to me and I back and I stayed for a couple minutes as monkey waved and said good bye and she wanted to wave more while they were driving off so, of course, I stayed there so she could. So time to spend some time before her nap and then have our awesome Thanksgiving! Thank you all.

 

[stealth2]

See? Now, think how much more productive your morning could have been if you'd not overthought it all. And remember that for next time.

 

[breezymom]

See? Now, think how much more productive your morning could have been if you'd not overthought it all. And remember that for next time.

Yep. I will remind myself of that every time. Little monkey is tired from all the holiday excitement, already, and started her "I'm tired" signs, so we cuddled and she is napping. Thanks, again, everyone, and I do hope your holiday is a nice one.

 

[Mamabear91399]

I do remember that the father of actress Sharon Stones child was given sole legal custody because Sharon Stone took the child for botox injections in the childs feet to stop excessive sweating so I wouldn't doubt anything.

 

[breezymom]

Possible proposal for the upcoming session with the social worker:

Most are 45 minute intervals, so I am going to base it on that until I know better and until after I get some feedback, so does this look legally fair or am I not thinking of this correctly:

I first thought that separate introductory sessions would be best for both of us, however, I don't think that would be best for the child, so I was wondering that if the office thinks it is possible to do this, that this would be a simple, fair solution for all:

15 minutes with each parent alone to safely allow discussion of issues that each parent may wish to discuss with the therapist but not necessarily want to air out in the open, as well as to allow the therapist at least some time with each person to assess personal dynamics.

15 minutes, together, to be able to shortly discuss what needs to be worked on and any other pertinent information

Or, should I go with the original plan to each see the therapist separately? Where I see this being an issue is that would make two, and maybe three, introductory appointments when one should be sufficient.

OR, should we just do the entire 45 minute session, together, chancing that there may be things on both ends that really need to be factored in but may not be said because either one of us may not be comfortable expressing it in front of the other parent?