Wife wants to "date other people"

[Goodfella]

We are in Tennessee.
My wife has been having an emotional affair for about 5 months. Mostly texting and phone calls, and they see each other 2 to 3 times a week at tennis lessons (he's the coach). She admits to having feelings for him and has no intention of cutting off their relationship. She recently told me that she wants to "date" this person and that I should consider moving out. I told her that I would NOT move out because I am not the one who wants to "date other people" and break up our marriage. I suggested that SHE move out.
The complication is that we have a 6-year-old daughter.

I have not filed for divorce yet, and in Tennessee, it is a minimum 3-month process. My question is: If wife decides to move out now, can she take our daughter with her without my agreement?

thanksWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Isis1]

We are in Tennessee.
My wife has been having an emotional affair for about 5 months. Mostly texting and phone calls, and they see each other 2 to 3 times a week at tennis lessons (he's the coach). She admits to having feelings for him and has no intention of cutting off their relationship. She recently told me that she wants to "date" this person and that I should consider moving out. I told her that I would NOT move out because I am not the one who wants to "date other people" and break up our marriage. I suggested that SHE move out.
The complication is that we have a 6-year-old daughter.

I have not filed for divorce yet, and in Tennessee, it is a minimum 3-month process. My question is: If wife decides to move out now, can she take our daughter with her without my agreement?

thanksWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

legally, yes she can. there are no court orders to prohibit her. same as there are no court orders prohibiting you.

you might want to file that divorce ASAP.

 

[mistoffolees]

legally, yes she can. there are no court orders to prohibit her. same as there are no court orders prohibiting you.

Agreed. However, he could file with the court to have the children returned. The judge would have to decide based on the best interests of the children. This would include things like who has been their primary caretaker, who would best support the relationship with the other parent, and so on. Being able to stay in the family home would probably be a big factor in Dad's favor if Mom moves out. In TN, at least one site that I found indicates that adultery can be used against a parent in a child custody determination, although I haven't been able to confirm that so I wouldn't put a lot of weight on it until speaking with a local attorney (I wouldn't be surprised if it depends greatly on the judge assigned to the case).

you might want to file that divorce ASAP.

Agreed.

 

[xylene]

Your wife is acting out. Do you want the marriage to end?

You need to see a lawyer and be prepared to get a divorce.

You should also consider to see a marriage counselor if she is willing.

If she is not you should see a therapist alone, do deal with your feelings even if you reconcile or divorce.

 

[Goodfella]

Your wife is acting out. Do you want the marriage to end?

You need to see a lawyer and be prepared to get a divorce.

You should also consider to see a marriage counselor if she is willing.

If she is not you should see a therapist alone, do deal with your feelings even if you reconcile or divorce.

Actually, no. I do not want to see the marriage end. But I can no longer live in a house where I don't feel loved, or secure, or reassured. I think you are correct, Xylene: she is "acting out" in a sort of mid-life crisis (She is 48). Every discussion we have about this ends in an argument about some perceived inadequacy in our relationship spanning 20 years. So I just shut up about it, lay low, and hope it blows over and she comes to her senses. She doesn't want to see a counselor and says we can work it out "on our own", but she does not ever give me even a glimmer of hope.

This is not a healthy situation for me and I am prepared to see a lawyer and file for a divorce.

 

[Goodfella]

I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, then will decide about filing.
My question: Should I tell wife that I have been to a lawyer, or not say anything until it is officially filed?

 

[Silverplum]

I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, then will decide about filing.
My question: Should I tell wife that I have been to a lawyer, or not say anything until it is officially filed?

The Sun Tzu says, “All warfare is based on deception.”

In other words, don't tell your STBX what you're doing.

 

[Bali Hai]

I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, then will decide about filing.
My question: Should I tell wife that I have been to a lawyer, or not say anything until it is officially filed?

Why do you think it necessary to say anything at all about it?

You can see a lawyer, file for divorce and never speak to her again if that's what you choose.

 

[commentator]

In my experience, when one party wants to get out, to move on, go out and "find herself" the marriage is over, and counseling won't accomplish squat, even if they're willing to attend it.

And the best thing the other party in the failing marriage can do is make sure the soon to be ex spouse "finds herself" in a trailer, without the kids. This dose of tough love reality works much better than idle threats, compliance, trying to be "fair" to leave the door open, etc.

 

[Goodfella]

Found the smoking gun today.STBX doesn't cover her tracks very well, and i found a backup of her iPhone on our computer that included about two months of text messages between her and the OM. Really depraved stuff including the requisite naked photos. There were also graphic descriptions of their sexual exploits and secret meetings. A real kick in the gut.

Do I confront her with the information, or just file and get the F out?

 

[Proserpina]

Found the smoking gun today.STBX doesn't cover her tracks very well, and i found a backup of her iPhone on our computer that included about two months of text messages between her and the OM. Really depraved stuff including the requisite naked photos. There were also graphic descriptions of their sexual exploits and secret meetings. A real kick in the gut.

Do I confront her with the information, or just file and get the F out?

Confronting her might be what your heart is wanting to do, but now you've got to be businesslike.

I agree with commentator, and it seems pretty clear that she's already left the marriage.

It's time for self-preservation now. File for divorce and temporary custody, and request exclusive use of the marital home.

(These may or may not be awarded, but they certainly won't if you don't ask for them)

 

[Goodfella]

Can I use the information That I found on her iPhone? Any invasion of privacy issues?
We still live together and I regularly help her with IT issues.

 

[mistoffolees]

Can I use the information That I found on her iPhone? Any invasion of privacy issues?
We still live together and I regularly help her with IT issues.

There are no privacy issues.

However, you may find that there's no value. A no-fault divorce is going to be far easier and cheaper than fighting over adultery.

Now, it MIGHT be relevant if you're in a position where alimony is a possibility. Or you could argue that the tennis lessons constitute dissipation of marital assets.

Seriously, talk with a lawyer about it.

 

[Goodfella]

I want her to know that I know.

 

[Proserpina]

I want her to know that I know.

Why?

What is it going to gain?

It's only going to hurt more. And worse, if this becomes even more contentious, you know who gets hurt the most?

It's not the grown-ups.