Long distance parenting plan for 1 yr old

[pat3030]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Michigan

I will be short and give as many details as possible.

I am the father of a 1 yr old, the mother and I are not on good terms at all. I have seen my son 1-2 times a wek for 8 hr periods.

- There are no custody/visitation orders in place at this time
- No child support orders in place at this time (although she claims there will be one soon due to her being on state aid, even though I pay for the bulk of the childs needs)
- I am not on the birth cert. I am the "legal father" I signed the affidavit of parentage. (big mistake since I never retained a paternity test...I know)

Recently the mother put a halt to me seeing my son for no good reason. Basically becase I asked to have my son for an overnight.

I am still waiting for the child support order to come through. We were going to "agree" to a schedule we made up upon mediation. However it looks like things will be changing now.

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I may be moving 1200 miles away in the next few months. I will return after 4 years. I want to participate in my sons life as much as possible. I have no problem paying child support.

Are there any suggested plans for long distance visitation for a baby this young?

I know moving away is not in the best interest of the child and will hinder our relationship for the time being. However when I return It will change everything since my primary reason for moving is for school as well as a much higher income job. When I return I will be much more "stable" then I am now and will be able to concentrate my efforts on raising/providing for my son.

Please any advice would be much appreciated.

Regards,

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Michigan

I will be short and give as many details as possible.

I am the father of a 1 yr old, the mother and I are not on good terms at all. I have seen my son 1-2 times a wek for 8 hr periods.

- There are no custody/visitation orders in place at this time

Be thankful that she's allowing you visitation - she doesn't have to at the moment.

- No child support orders in place at this time (although she claims there will be one soon due to her being on state aid, even though I pay for the bulk of the childs needs)

She's right. If she's on state aid, the state is going to come back to you for reimbursement.

- I am not on the birth cert. I am the "legal father" I signed the affidavit of parentage. (big mistake since I never retained a paternity test...I know)

Oh Dad...

Recently the mother put a halt to me seeing my son for no good reason. Basically becase I asked to have my son for an overnight.

I am still waiting for the child support order to come through. We were going to "agree" to a schedule we made up upon mediation. However it looks like things will be changing now.

Okay.

------------------------------------

I may be moving 1200 miles away in the next few months. I will return after 4 years. I want to participate in my sons life as much as possible. I have no problem paying child support.

Are there any suggested plans for long distance visitation for a baby this young?

Short visits in Mom's community, as a general rule, until the child is quite a bit older.

Can you afford regular visits?

I know moving away is not in the best interest of the child and will hinder our relationship for the time being. However when I return It will change everything since my primary reason for moving is for school as well as a much higher income job. When I return I will be much more "stable" then I am now and will be able to concentrate my efforts on raising/providing for my son.

Please any advice would be much appreciated.

Regards,

I understand your reasoning. But you're right - you're seriously going to sacrifice these formative years with your son if you relocate 1200 miles away.

 

[pat3030]

Be thankful that she's allowing you visitation - she doesn't have to at the moment.

I understand this. I thank her every time I drop him back off.

She's right. If she's on state aid, the state is going to come back to you for reimbursement.

I'm perfectly fine with that.

Oh Dad...

I know. big mistake. I didn't know much at all about all the legal aspects behind this. I'm learning the hard way

Short visits in Mom's community, as a general rule, until the child is quite a bit older.

Can you afford regular visits?

With being 1200 miles away how would things lay out? (in a typical situation) I understand you won't know all the details.

I understand your reasoning. But you're right - you're seriously going to sacrifice these formative years with your son if you relocate 1200 miles away.

I understand this. And trust me I don't want to abandon my son like some other fathers out there. I'm not trying to get out of child support. I'm not saying "eh I don't have time for this".

Truth is..I'm 19 years old. I learned my early lessions in life the hard way. But I was blessed with an amazing, beautiful son who I want to provide the best that I can for. Despite me and his mothers relationship I am willing to work as hard as possible with here in an attempt to give him a normal life.

I'm moving away because I will attend school to become Nurse Pract. specializing in OR. It's a very difficult road and I can't "blow" the chance because my head is elsewere dealing with my ex. I plan on visiting every summer as well as holidays. I know it's a very big sacrifice especially since I'm going to be missing very important times. Yet I'm looking into the future. I want to be able to come back home at the age of 24, buy a house, and provide MUCH better for my son then I am able to now.

I'm not just leaving my son. I'm leaving my family, friends, job...everything I have so i can get through this school and come home a different person. Though this may sound a bit selfish and it's all about "me" it's really not. If I don't do this I'm not going to be able to provide near as well for my son.

 

[gam]

I understand this. I thank her every time I drop him back off.



I'm perfectly fine with that.



I know. big mistake. I didn't know much at all about all the legal aspects behind this. I'm learning the hard way




With being 1200 miles away how would things lay out? (in a typical situation) I understand you won't know all the details.




I understand this. And trust me I don't want to abandon my son like some other fathers out there. I'm not trying to get out of child support. I'm not saying "eh I don't have time for this".

Truth is..I'm 19 years old. I learned my early lessions in life the hard way. But I was blessed with an amazing, beautiful son who I want to provide the best that I can for. Despite me and his mothers relationship I am willing to work as hard as possible with here in an attempt to give him a normal life.

I'm moving away because I will attend school to become Nurse Pract. specializing in OR. It's a very difficult road and I can't "blow" the chance because my head is elsewere dealing with my ex. I plan on visiting every summer as well as holidays. I know it's a very big sacrifice especially since I'm going to be missing very important times. Yet I'm looking into the future. I want to be able to come back home at the age of 24, buy a house, and provide MUCH better for my son then I am able to now.

I'm not just leaving my son. I'm leaving my family, friends, job...everything I have so i can get through this school and come home a different person. Though this may sound a bit selfish and it's all about "me" it's really not. If I don't do this I'm not going to be able to provide near as well for my son.

Why do you need to leave the state to become a Nurse Pract? Your handing mom primary custody.

In Mi you actually need moms or the courts permission to move if you have joint legal. In your case you don't at this time, but I can see the court granting mom sole custody if you make this move.

Sounds like your case is an unwed case. In Mi mom is presumed to have sole custody. You signed the AOP, all that does is make you the legal father, but you have no rights till you legally establish them. Mi courts often even after one signs that AOP allow for a DNA test, but you need to do that when you get those papers from the state for CS.

Mi can and most often does go after the father if mom applies for state aide. In your case they know who the father is, cause you signed that AOP. Mom has no say in this, the state files on her behalf. It usually takes a good year for them to get it done though.

It's hard to say on a long distance plan with a young child what the court may decide. They could decide you need to do visits in Mi for awhile. A standard plan around Mi is every other holiday, anywhere from 4-8 weeks of summer, sometimes more then that. But since the child is only a year, your not likely to get that right away.

Have you thought of what your going to do with the child if and when you get long visits? Your moving from family, and you will have the child here and there, so what are you going to do with child while your in school and working? Have you checked into that?

 

[pat3030]

Why do you need to leave the state to become a Nurse Pract? Your handing mom primary custody.

In Mi you actually need moms or the courts permission to move if you have joint legal. In your case you don't at this time, but I can see the court granting mom sole custody if you make this move.

Sounds like your case is an unwed case. In Mi mom is presumed to have sole custody. You signed the AOP, all that does is make you the legal father, but you have no rights till you legally establish them. Mi courts often even after one signs that AOP allow for a DNA test, but you need to do that when you get those papers from the state for CS.

Mi can and most often does go after the father if mom applies for state aide. In your case they know who the father is, cause you signed that AOP. Mom has no say in this, the state files on her behalf. It usually takes a good year for them to get it done though.

It's hard to say on a long distance plan with a young child what the court may decide. They could decide you need to do visits in Mi for awhile. A standard plan around Mi is every other holiday, anywhere from 4-8 weeks of summer, sometimes more then that. But since the child is only a year, your not likely to get that right away.

Have you thought of what your going to do with the child if and when you get long visits? Your moving from family, and you will have the child here and there, so what are you going to do with child while your in school and working? Have you checked into that?

Thank you for your reply. I have not got every detail down of how this is going to work since it's very early in the process. This is kind of my starting point and I'm going to work from the advice received here.

 

[gam]

Thank you for your reply. I have not got every detail down of how this is going to work since it's very early in the process. This is kind of my starting point and I'm going to work from the advice received here.

Check into schooling in Mi. Ya know great programs out there if you get your associate degree from a community college in nursing. My daughter did it, had her child when she was 20, split situation. While in school, she worked as a nurse tech, once she finished and passed state boards, she now works as an RN.

She is currently working on her masters, she is in a program that is associate degree to masters, once that is done she will continue for her NP. What's great with the community college, is it is cheap. Once you get that associate degree, they have programs through the community college with universities across the state. She has yet to take class anywhere but the community college or online. Pay is good even if you only have an associate degree, plenty to support yourself, your child and continue with your education, plus many hospitals will pay for further education.

There are ways to do this without such a drastic step. While your working on that, look up the circuit court for the county mom and child lives in. That is where this would need to be heard. Read all you can on the circuit court site. Then look up that county and Friend of the Court handbook, gives a real good run down of the process. You can also look up stuff on the state site.

Mi counties vary on things, so you really need to get some county specific information. The handbooks contain a standard parenting time order, and most contain a long distance plan. I have never seen one though for younger children, but I can tell you first hand, that many Mi Judges do hand out other parenting orders for younger children, be it no distance or long distance.

You can do some googling on long distance plans for toddlers, other states have some nice ones age specific.

 

[pat3030]

Check into schooling in Mi. Ya know great programs out there if you get your associate degree from a community college in nursing. My daughter did it, had her child when she was 20, split situation. While in school, she worked as a nurse tech, once she finished and passed state boards, she now works as an RN.

She is currently working on her masters, she is in a program that is associate degree to masters, once that is done she will continue for her NP. What's great with the community college, is it is cheap. Once you get that associate degree, they have programs through the community college with universities across the state. She has yet to take class anywhere but the community college or online. Pay is good even if you only have an associate degree, plenty to support yourself, your child and continue with your education, plus many hospitals will pay for further education.

There are ways to do this without such a drastic step. While your working on that, look up the circuit court for the county mom and child lives in. That is where this would need to be heard. Read all you can on the circuit court site. Then look up that county and Friend of the Court handbook, gives a real good run down of the process. You can also look up stuff on the state site.

Mi counties vary on things, so you really need to get some county specific information. The handbooks contain a standard parenting time order, and most contain a long distance plan. I have never seen one though for younger children, but I can tell you first hand, that many Mi Judges do hand out other parenting orders for younger children, be it no distance or long distance.

You can do some googling on long distance plans for toddlers, other states have some nice ones age specific.

I have checked into everything here as I work at the local hospital here as a CNA and part time EMS. I'm very involved with the local health community but the collages around here are have almost 3.5 year waits for the programs. It would be much faster for me to go through school were I'm going.

It's going to sound stupid but I can't concentrate on my schooling with my current living situation. There are many minor details that I have not provided but I know if I go to school here I'm never going to finish. I need to basically block out everything and get the schooling done. I know it sounds stupid but i know I have to otherwise It won't happen.

I know it does not seem like the best choice but I know that in the long run it will be.

 

[Nevergrowup]

I have checked into everything here as I work at the local hospital here as a CNA and part time EMS. I'm very involved with the local health community but the collages around here are have almost 3.5 year waits for the programs. It would be much faster for me to go through school were I'm going.

It's going to sound stupid but I can't concentrate on my schooling with my current living situation. There are many minor details that I have not provided but I know if I go to school here I'm never going to finish. I need to basically block out everything and get the schooling done. I know it sounds stupid but i know I have to otherwise It won't happen.

I know it does not seem like the best choice but I know that in the long run it will be.

You know, once you become a parent, you don't really have the luxury of "blocking everything out". You stand up and be a parent. I applaud your desire to improve your life, but it sounds like that is at the expense of your baby son. You will miss years of his life you'll never get back. Thank goodness mom doesn't need to "block everything out" or your son would have no one, eh? And then, after you move back and have improved your life spectacularly, you'll demand your "right" to be a part of your son's life, and fight mom for time that you didn't want before, because, well, then you'll be ready to be a dad and you aren't now. Sounds like a great plan.

 

[gam]

I have checked into everything here as I work at the local hospital here as a CNA and part time EMS. I'm very involved with the local health community but the collages around here are have almost 3.5 year waits for the programs. It would be much faster for me to go through school were I'm going.

It's going to sound stupid but I can't concentrate on my schooling with my current living situation. There are many minor details that I have not provided but I know if I go to school here I'm never going to finish. I need to basically block out everything and get the schooling done. I know it sounds stupid but i know I have to otherwise It won't happen.

I know it does not seem like the best choice but I know that in the long run it will be.

Just giving you some info, your choice in what you do.

Here is what I would do, I would file to establish paternity. I know you signed the AOP, but you still need to file with the court, I would ask for that DNA test. I would tell my son he was a fool if he did not request a DNA test, ya just never know who daddy is. I would also file for joint legal, parenting time order, courts permission to move more then 100 miles, child support. File for the child support, cause the state is gonna catch up here at some point, you don't want that when you leave, so file yourself.

As already said, mom is presumed to have custody, you are legally the father, but she is in charge, until you seek those rights with the court. She can at anytime pull the plug on visits. You want this done while your here, not that far away, as you would have to return to Mi for court dates.

Every county is different, mine you file this week and have a hearing next week, but many take 2-3 months, some probably longer to get that hearing. You really should consider hiring a lawyer, you don't have time to learn all this and represent yourself well in court with your situation.

Mi is a bit differnet then most states, we have Friend of Court, Refs and Judges, you usually see a Ref first. Refs and FOC make recommendations, only Judges make orders, you have right to object to a recommendation. However every county has there own time frame and procedure on objecting. It's really important even with a lawyer to know your county's stuff well. Much can be found in the FOC handbook.

Make a parenting plan yourself, consider the childs age, the distance in that plan. Will you be coming home on college breaks or staying there year round? Will you be visiting family here in Mi on a regular basis, if so will you have a place to stay and have visits with the child? These are things that need to be considered and worked into that plan. Take that with you, in every case that I have seen from the beginning, they always like it if you have a plan on paper when you go to court, its a starting point at least. Often Judges will send both parties into a conference room to work on a parenting plan together. If you can't come up with an agreeable one, Judges are forced to make it, and often ask to see what each of you have.

At least that is what has gone on in the courts I am familiar with in Mi. I don't know them all, and even the ones I do, I can't predict what a Judge will do in your case.

 

[Proserpina]

Just giving you some info, your choice in what you do.

Here is what I would do, I would file to establish paternity. I know you signed the AOP, but you still need to file with the court, I would ask for that DNA test. I would tell my son he was a fool if he did not request a DNA test, ya just never know who daddy is. I would also file for joint legal, parenting time order, courts permission to move more then 100 miles, child support. File for the child support, cause the state is gonna catch up here at some point, you don't want that when you leave, so file yourself.

As already said, mom is presumed to have custody, you are legally the father, but she is in charge, until you seek those rights with the court. She can at anytime pull the plug on visits. You want this done while your here, not that far away, as you would have to return to Mi for court dates.

Every county is different, mine you file this week and have a hearing next week, but many take 2-3 months, some probably longer to get that hearing. You really should consider hiring a lawyer, you don't have time to learn all this and represent yourself well in court with your situation.

Mi is a bit differnet then most states, we have Friend of Court, Refs and Judges, you usually see a Ref first. Refs and FOC make recommendations, only Judges make orders, you have right to object to a recommendation. However every county has there own time frame and procedure on objecting. It's really important even with a lawyer to know your county's stuff well. Much can be found in the FOC handbook.

Make a parenting plan yourself, consider the childs age, the distance in that plan. Will you be coming home on college breaks or staying there year round? Will you be visiting family here in Mi on a regular basis, if so will you have a place to stay and have visits with the child? These are things that need to be considered and worked into that plan. Take that with you, in every case that I have seen from the beginning, they always like it if you have a plan on paper when you go to court, its a starting point at least. Often Judges will send both parties into a conference room to work on a parenting plan together. If you can't come up with an agreeable one, Judges are forced to make it, and often ask to see what each of you have.

At least that is what has gone on in the courts I am familiar with in Mi. I don't know them all, and even the ones I do, I can't predict what a Judge will do in your case.

gam, are you saying that signing the AOP does NOT establish paternity?

 

[gam]

gam, are you saying that signing the AOP does NOT establish paternity?

Not exactly saying that, cause I'm not sure what signing that stupid thing does in Mi, lol.

In a bunch of the cases I know, dad signed the AOP, and dad still had to file to establish paternity.

Court asked dad if he was contesting paternity. The AOP itself says your waiving that right by signing it, but I have seen them do the DNA test anyways.

The Ref and the Judge(daughters ex objected to the Refs recommendation)both asked dad numerous times if he was contesting paternity, and offered numerous times for the DNA test. Dad signed the AOP, as well as the BC at the hospital. He declined, if he was my son, he would have been getting that DNA test.

I got a friend of the family that I am helping right now. Mom and dad were never married, dad signed the AOP, his name is on the BC to. They split up when child was a year old. They worked CS and parenting time out themselves. Another year goes by, mom gets state assistance. Just last month, another year has gone by, child is 3, dad gets a letter from the prosecutors office. They are going after him for CS cause mom received state assistance. This letter had a form attached, right on it, dad can state he is contesting paternity.

Don't ask me though if any of this is how Mi laws are suppose to go. All I can tell you is very little is done according to laws here on my side of the state. As I said on here before, you can be screwed if you don't know the laws, have time or money to appeal.

 

[pat3030]

You know, once you become a parent, you don't really have the luxury of "blocking everything out". You stand up and be a parent. I applaud your desire to improve your life, but it sounds like that is at the expense of your baby son. You will miss years of his life you'll never get back. Thank goodness mom doesn't need to "block everything out" or your son would have no one, eh? And then, after you move back and have improved your life spectacularly, you'll demand your "right" to be a part of your son's life, and fight mom for time that you didn't want before, because, well, then you'll be ready to be a dad and you aren't now. Sounds like a great plan.

I thank you for your response. However In no way am I intending to sacrifice my son, or throw my son in hot fire. When I say "blocking everything out" I don't mean blocking out the parenting of my son which is why I'm here. It's going to cost ME more money to go this route, cost ME the memories and special years and so on. Yes, to some it may seem like "just another father walking out" but that is not the intention at all. The mother is going to fight me tooth and nail until he is 18 and even then, she will probably still find something to hold against me. She does not want me to have any authority in his life. Rather then just a "third wheel" so to speak. That's another subject though.

I'm not doing this to go have my "freedom" and get away from the life I have created. I am doing this because as you know, the economy is ****. I am not and have never been the type of person to just accept standard. I want to go beyond the $12/hr mark. Then I can provide a life for my son that he would have never known before.

I plan on visiting every break I get. My parents doors will be open for the company. I'm not objecting child support, nor am I asking anything ridiculous out of the deal as it would be a choice I personally made.

Nothing is set in stone I'm just trying to generate some ideas and gather some things up. I guess I think of it as...I rather miss 4 years of his life, come back with a degree under my belt and a good job, and give him everything I got as a parent.

Rather then...procrastinate the process for 8 years, and risk my success in achieving a degree/job. And being unable to provide/give him what he needs.

I'm not one to talk bad about his mom but I know that financially, she will not be the one to bring it in. Her drive isn't there. So unless I take it upon myself to get a good career, there will be problems in the future if/when I physically can't meet his financial needs PLUS follow a support order.

I do mind the fact that I'm young, and inexperienced which is why I do thank you for your input as well as everyone else's. I'm only here to learn. I have learned my lessons the hard way so far in life. But i LEARNED. And to me...that's what matters.

 

[stealth2]

It's going to cost ME more money to go this route, cost ME the memories and special years and so on. Yes, to some it may seem like "just another father walking out" but that is not the intention at all.

Me. Me, Me, Me. Just what will it cost your son? You know - the one you purport to be doing this for?

Here's the thing... Kids don't really care that much about the "stuff". They care about the time they get with their parent. Especially at that age.

 

[mistoffolees]

I have checked into everything here as I work at the local hospital here as a CNA and part time EMS. I'm very involved with the local health community but the collages around here are have almost 3.5 year waits for the programs. It would be much faster for me to go through school were I'm going.

It's going to sound stupid but I can't concentrate on my schooling with my current living situation. There are many minor details that I have not provided but I know if I go to school here I'm never going to finish. I need to basically block out everything and get the schooling done. I know it sounds stupid but i know I have to otherwise It won't happen.

I know it does not seem like the best choice but I know that in the long run it will be.

OK, here are your options:

1. Do as you plan and move halfway across the country. Your child will grow up not knowing you since, as a student, you're going to find it very difficult to have regular visitations. Since it's possible that there will be an introductory period where you must have a series of regular, frequent visitations in Mom's community, you may NEVER establish a relationship with your child. But you'll have your nurse practitioner license. At best, you'll miss out on the first 5 years of your child's life and eventually be a relatively distant Dad. It is very unlikely that you'll get what you're asking for - a close relationship with your child.

2. You said you can get in the program in 3.5 years where you are. You're presumably pretty young, so 3.5 years still leaves you lots of time to practice your career. You could spend the 3.5 years developing a relationship with your child without having school interfere and possibly save up a little money before starting school. You'd still have your NP, just 3.5 years later. But you'll have a relationship with your child.

It's really your choice.

 

[CSO286]

I have checked into everything here as I work at the local hospital here as a CNA and part time EMS.

OP, from a child support perspective, you are kind of screwing the pooch here.

How do you intend to support yourself? You're a CNA and an EMT right now (I've worked as both--with Paramedics and other CNA's/LPNs who were students, I know the timelines for these programs). That mean that you have at least 4 years of school ahead of you and that is simply to get your Registered Nurse. Another year and half beyond that for the Nurse Pratictioner.


Now let's say you fast track that and you really can get it all done in 3.5. (I know it CAN be done, but only if you shut out everything but school.) You won't be working for those 3.5 years because you won't be able to. Between classes and clinicals and studying and sleep--when are you going to find time to work (you know to pay child support)? Or time to see your son?


How do you intend to support your son? Leaving work to go to school in many areas is still considered voluntary unemployment. Meaning when/if Mom files for support, she could reasonably ask that you be imputed wages equal to those you were earning previously.

Have you really thought this through all the way?