questions about activities on visitation time

[Humusluvr]

NCP is absolutely allowed to make whatever plans he likes for his children during his parenting time.

This is really what it boils down to.

Have dad tell the mother no.

You all made plans for your family during HIS parenting time. Neither you, nor dad, need to be making a bunch of drama. "No, sorry, we have plans during my time." End of story.

Have dad ask mom for a detail list of activities so you can plan for the future. Get the info, if it's important to dad. The child won't be the first child to ever miss an event. Honestly, it's likely the parents making a bigger deal than the child will.

 

[thetiredwife]

Does the order have anything in it on activities? Is the child in a lot of activities?

Yes- before the section about providing information and paperwork, it says that the shared legal custody includes (but is not limited to) "both parties making every good effort to mutually agree on decisions concerning education,medical care,extracurricular activities,childcare..." (and so on). Back when she mentioned signing him up for Boy Scouts, my husband contacted her about working out arrangements (like now) for instances where it would conflict with periods of visitation. She would not agree, and later told him that he was already enrolled. So far as we have known, usually it doesn't conflict. This was an instance where he received short notice, therein lies the problem. She says he also plays the sax this year, I think he is also in choir, and might play soccer.

 

[Humusluvr]

Yes- before the section about providing information and paperwork, it says that the shared legal custody includes (but is not limited to) "both parties making every good effort to mutually agree on decisions concerning education,medical care,extracurricular activities,childcare..." (and so on). Back when she mentioned signing him up for Boy Scouts, my husband contacted her about working out arrangements (like now) for instances where it would conflict with periods of visitation. She would not agree, and later told him that he was already enrolled. So far as we have known, usually it doesn't conflict. This was an instance where he received short notice, therein lies the problem. She says he also plays the sax this year, I think he is also in choir, and might play soccer.

Then dad needs to tell mom, "The only way I can plan for these activities is if I have a schedule. I would like one ONE MONTH in advance, so I can plan. If it's a shorter notice, I will try, but I can't promise anything. And, if things are going to interfere with my time, I want to know BEFORE he's signed up."

And then stick to it. She'll learn.

 

[thetiredwife]

This is really what it boils down to.

Have dad tell the mother no.

You all made plans for your family during HIS parenting time. Neither you, nor dad, need to be making a bunch of drama. "No, sorry, we have plans during my time." End of story.

Have dad ask mom for a detail list of activities so you can plan for the future. Get the info, if it's important to dad. The child won't be the first child to ever miss an event. Honestly, it's likely the parents making a bigger deal than the child will.

Thank you, Humus and emst ~ that is what my original question was...if we were or would be expected to tell our kids that we had to cancel their activities because of this change of plans. The responses were conflicting, so I wasn't sure. No intentions to make drama. His mother has received another request for the information (still nothing as yet)...so we'll see what happens. If it comes to it, I think he will just tell her he is giving up the weekend, then he doesn't have to miss his derby either.

 

[thetiredwife]

Then dad needs to tell mom, "The only way I can plan for these activities is if I have a schedule. I would like one ONE MONTH in advance, so I can plan. If it's a shorter notice, I will try, but I can't promise anything. And, if things are going to interfere with my time, I want to know BEFORE he's signed up."

And then stick to it. She'll learn.

Now if he has tried to discuss that with her, and she doesn't cooperate, then would he need to file a modification?

 

[Humusluvr]

Thank you, Humus and emst ~ that is what my original question was...if we were or would be expected to tell our kids that we had to cancel their activities because of this change of plans. The responses were conflicting, so I wasn't sure. No intentions to make drama. His mother has received another request for the information (still nothing as yet)...so we'll see what happens. If it comes to it, I think he will just tell her he is giving up the weekend, then he doesn't have to miss his derby either.

I wouldn't give up the weekend.

Plans you make as a family - with all of both of your children - are equally important. You can't always only make plans without the child, because mom wants to put him in 70 different activities. Dad should stand his ground when it comes to his time. But he should also pick his battles wisely.

We see a lot of NCP's here just roll over and play dead. That doesn't do the kids any good. Quality time with BOTH mom's family and dad's family is important.

 

[thetiredwife]

I wouldn't give up the weekend.

Plans you make as a family - with all of both of your children - are equally important. You can't always only make plans without the child, because mom wants to put him in 70 different activities. Dad should stand his ground when it comes to his time. But he should also pick his battles wisely.

We see a lot of NCP's here just roll over and play dead. That doesn't do the kids any good. Quality time with BOTH mom's family and dad's family is important.

I absolutely agree about spending quality time. We're just concerned that this will mean she (or the child) will deny visitation when he tells her that we can't take him to the derby.

 

[I'mTheFather]

I won't defend the mom for not keeping the dad informed, but the Pinewood Derby is a big deal in Cub Scouts. In order to participate, the boy has probably spent a good amount of time making/decorating his car. If this were my son, I would do whatever I could to give him the opportunity of racing it. And that's a personal opinion, not a legal one.

 

[Humusluvr]

I won't defend the mom for not keeping the dad informed, but the Pinewood Derby is a big deal in Cub Scouts. In order to participate, the boy has probably spent a good amount of time making/decorating his car. If this were my son, I would do whatever I could to give him the opportunity of racing it. And that's a personal opinion, not a legal one.

Maybe the OP will decide that taking the whole family to the Derby, and planning the other plans for later - would be a better way to approach it. But "giving away" the weekend and letting mom have it isn't the way to go, IMHO. Giving up time, as the NCP, isn't good for the bond with the child.

 

[I'mTheFather]

Yeah, I wouldn't give up the weekend either. I would want to share that time with my son. In a way, dad is lucky that the derby falls on his weekend if it doesn't occur during his work hours. If it does, I would suggest to mom that she take son to the derby, and dad can pick him up after work.

 

[stealth2]

Anyway, our guess was that it was going to be Saturday night, which we really can't see a way to make that work. 1-3 is a friend's birthday party. The plan was to grab dinner in between and then from 5-6:30 is a team meeting for our daughter's school. My husband has to go to that and cannot be late. And without knowing where the derby is taking place at this point (before it is mentioned again, we could NOT find that out when searching local info and news), we just don't know the travel time.

I would likely go to the bday party, then to the derby. And, honestly, skip the team meeting. I do not for a moment believe that no one ever misses one of these meetings. He simplytells them "Sorry, but it's my son's Pinewood Derby that evening, and that's a priority for me. Send me the minutes and when the next meeting will be."

 

[Ohiogal]

POSTING HX!

 

[thetiredwife]

What she's saying keeps changing from email to email. Now she sent a link to a cub scout page that my husband said he couldn't access without a PW, saying the derby is at 11. Previously she said it was at night. She said that their son has to be present to race his car, now she says her other son could race it.



She's also starting to stir the pot again, because she also wants to switch weekends for a camping trip in the spring and have us take their son on the second weekend instead of the first. Again, there's plans scheduled that weekend. She insists that she has the right to know what our plans are...so she makes a bunch of comments about our family and that her and her boyfriend include "their" kids in absolutely everything they do. He does not have any children. Would this be considered "overstepping" on the part of her and her boyfriend?

My husband said the next step he'll take is contacting the pack leader.

 

[thetiredwife]

I won't defend the mom for not keeping the dad informed, but the Pinewood Derby is a big deal in Cub Scouts. In order to participate, the boy has probably spent a good amount of time making/decorating his car. If this were my son, I would do whatever I could to give him the opportunity of racing it. And that's a personal opinion, not a legal one.

Thanks for sharing your opinion. From what she has said, he needs to "get to work" on it and get materials still, so she said that's why she wants to know if she or we can take him. And now she is saying that her other son would be allowed to race the car.

 

[thetiredwife]

I would likely go to the bday party, then to the derby. And, honestly, skip the team meeting. I do not for a moment believe that no one ever misses one of these meetings. He simplytells them "Sorry, but it's my son's Pinewood Derby that evening, and that's a priority for me. Send me the minutes and when the next meeting will be."

That wouldn't be an option to skip the meeting, because my husband is the team leader. It is a school team that he had to attend training for, so it isn't as though I or anyone could just fill in for him. The meeting times were decided before any of this, so I don't understand why the derby would take priority. Cancelling the meeting would mean not only backing out on plans with our daughter, but also the other kids on the team.