questions about activities on visitation time

[Ohiogal]

NO, SHE DIDN'T. She said, "The child was from adultery outside the marriage." She stated the facts to explain the situation. Why would you have to DETAIL it back to her? She knows what happened, attacking her husband, who is trying to exercise his visitation is not legal advice, it's nastiness. This is EXACTLY the kind of stuff the forum doesn't need.

I read the threads. I don't see that she's trying to hurt the child. THEY WANT THE CHILD TO BOND WITH THEIR KIDS!!! THAT'S ADMIRABLE.

I seriously don't get why you do this. Or why the mods and admins allow it.

I wasn't detailing it back to her -- Neopandora asked a question which I ANSWERED. I made a FACTUAL statement based on what the OP stated. It is NOT nastiness.

 

[Humusluvr]

OP-I have a question: Were you and Dad married or involved when this child was conceived?

I ask this because reading your prior threads, I am given to understand that you were the child care provider for this child (and possibly Mom's other children).

It appears from this thread and your other threads that there seems to be a lot of conflict with visitation issues. It also seems odd to me that as a former babysitter of this child that you seem really reluctant to fit this child's activities and interest in equally with your other childrens. Just seems odd to me.

I only bring this up because it seems that the child in questions (at least from the posts) generally gets dragged around on his visitation to your other children's activities. While Dad is certainly allowed to do as he wishes on his time - there's a term called "token visitation." That means that while the parent exercises visitation that it's only token by nature and the parent isn't really spending any quality time with the child or participating in the child's activities, interests and life.

In some states this can matter should Mom remarry and wish for her new husband to adopt. Not saying it will in your case or in your state. And maybe these posts don't give an accurate reflection of visitation with this child, but it sure seems like the child is just being drug to "plans" for other children without real inclusion. In any blended family sure, there is a certain amount of attending activities for other family members. That's true in intact families.

I read through all your posts, and maybe they don't represent clearly, but the new item, a weekend camping trip in spring that interferes with Dad's already set plans, coupled with an event this weekend that upset the plan applecart sure makes it appear that activities and interests of this child, don't seem to matter much in the family as a whole.

Remember, all court cases involving this child are only concerned with THIS CHILD'S best interests. The Court is not really going to care about any other children except how this child's relationship with them is affected. They won't care if anything is fair to anyone but this child.

No, this poster did not ask "how do children from adultery happen?"

She asked about the logistics of blended families.

Cut it out with the you screwed, you stuck your appendage somewhere, your penis, your vagina, you banged crap. Nobody needs to hear this. It's bullying, and it may be your hang up, but it has no place on a HELP FORUM.

Seriously, OG, I'm trying to tell you nicely, but some people have told you very bluntly to cut it out. I think you may be the wisest, most legally knowledgeable senior, but you are being nasty when you say stuff like that. I cannot fathom why someone as intelligent as you hasn't taken this to heart.

 

[gr8rn]

I think OG is making the point that because this child is a product of adultery that OP is treating the child unfairly, as Neopondra also extrapolated on. It appears very clear that OP resents the intrusion of this child on her weekends and she is pointedly trying to keep that intrusion to a minimum. Truly sad for the child.

 

[LdiJ]

I think OG is making the point that because this child is a product of adultery that OP is treating the child unfairly, as Neopondra also extrapolated on. It appears very clear that OP resents the intrusion of this child on her weekends and she is pointedly trying to keep that intrusion to a minimum. Truly sad for the child.

Neopondra pointed it out in a far less bullying manner.

 

[gr8rn]

Neopondra pointed it out in a far less bullying manner.

Perhaps, but it appears this OP needs hit over the head with a clue-by-four.

 

[neopandora]

I think OG is making the point that because this child is a product of adultery that OP is treating the child unfairly, as Neopondra also extrapolated on. It appears very clear that OP resents the intrusion of this child on her weekends and she is pointedly trying to keep that intrusion to a minimum. Truly sad for the child.

The bolded is exactly the point I was trying to make. Also to caution OP that Dad's lack of participation or engagement in activities and interests of this child could very likely come back to bite him legally.

I also thanked OG for explaining the background to me. And, told her I appreciated her candor and bluntness with posters. I don't necessarily post much, but I've read this forum for years. While not an attorney, I work in family and criminal law, much of my family works in law (including my spouse) and I've personally had my share of family law issues. I've personally had my attorney tell me many blunt things I did not want to hear, and I've heard countless good lawyers and judges tell individuals similar things parties didn't want to hear. I believe an attorney does a disservice by not stating the truth in blunt, concise terms. Of course, this is only my opinion. I only share it now because I was the one who asked the questions and then thanked OG for her answer.

 

[neopandora]

Neopondra pointed it out in a far less bullying manner.

Yes, I did and purposefully so. I've found that often if a point is made in a gentler manner, followed up by a more direct, blunt, and authoritative second, it seems to sink in better. Softens the blow for the truth to sink in. I've seen this be extremely effective in day-to-day practice and was lucky enough that OG followed it up with the direct, blunt statement.

OP-needs a wake up call desperately. I can't imagine the difficult position she is in with her circumstances. However, there is a CHILD being affected. Her actions are almost passive-aggressive. Exercising visitation with the child but not including his activities just dragging him to the other children's activities. I gave her the benefit of the doubt regarding scheduling over the derby until she mentioned that Mom was asking for a weekend swap due to a cub scout camping trip in the Spring and that was unacceptable due to "plans". If OP's schedule won't allow any flexibility for swapping a weekend when given the information 2 months out, after being unable to swap plans with short notice this weekend, there's a much deeper problem that is not fair to this child. If that problem isn't addressed, nothing is ever going to change.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, I did and purposefully so. I've found that often if a point is made in a gentler manner, followed up by a more direct, blunt, and authoritative second, it seems to sink in better. Softens the blow for the truth to sink in. I've seen this be extremely effective in day-to-day practice and was lucky enough that OG followed it up with the direct, blunt statement.

OP-needs a wake up call desperately. I can't imagine the difficult position she is in with her circumstances. However, there is a CHILD being affected. Her actions are almost passive-aggressive. Exercising visitation with the child but not including his activities just dragging him to the other children's activities. I gave her the benefit of the doubt regarding scheduling over the derby until she mentioned that Mom was asking for a weekend swap due to a cub scout camping trip in the Spring and that was unacceptable due to "plans". If OP's schedule won't allow any flexibility for swapping a weekend when given the information 2 months out, after being unable to swap plans with short notice this weekend, there's a much deeper problem that is not fair to this child. If that problem isn't addressed, nothing is ever going to change.

I had no problem with your posts or your opinions. I feel that some types of bluntness are not effective at all. Particularly the bullying kind. It just gets someone hackles up and they lose the whole meaning of what is being said because their hackles are up.

 

[neopandora]

I had no problem with your posts or your opinions. I feel that some types of bluntness are not effective at all. Particularly the bullying kind. It just gets someone hackles up and they lose the whole meaning of what is being said because their hackles are up.

Thanks! I didn't think you did have a problem with my posts. Was just offering further eplanation.

 

[stealth2]

Thanks for the post, neo. I hadn't connected the dots that way, but in rereading...

I do agree that it is important, in a blended situation, for the entire family to spend time together. BUT... it is also important for each of the children to feel valued by having his/her activities, if not attended, at least facilitated.

The initial mention of the Saturday evening team meeting came across as an adult meeting. Given that it is not, I can understand not cancelling it. However, if the son wants to do the Derby (and not having the stuff for it until a few weeks ahead isn't all that unusual, so doesn't indicate a lack of interest), then Dad should try and figure out how to make it happen, even if it does mean forfeiting that time. Between work & daughter's school meeting, Dad won't be spending that much time with his son anyway, ya know?

Two months' notice for a camping trip? Seems reasonable. It would be great if Dad could take him on it. IMO.. I didn't ask for every single thing, but the big ones? I sure did. And Dad made accommodations. I'll admit, I still wonder what possessed me to request a switch for Klondike... who the heck wants to spend the day/weekend traipsing around in 0 degree temps???

Again, in THIS, my ex was quite reasonable

 

[Ohiogal]

I had no problem with your posts or your opinions. I feel that some types of bluntness are not effective at all. Particularly the bullying kind. It just gets someone hackles up and they lose the whole meaning of what is being said because their hackles are up.

No one is bullying this OP. Oh I get it, because I disagree with her that is wrong. However everyone can gang up on lilmansmom or others and that is just fine. When I point out something however, everyone can gang up on me. Pot, meet kettle. Oh yeah, no one ever bullies me. Got it. Bunch of hypocrites.

 

[neopandora]

Thanks for the post, neo. I hadn't connected the dots that way, but in rereading...

I do agree that it is important, in a blended situation, for the entire family to spend time together. BUT... it is also important for each of the children to feel valued by having his/her activities, if not attended, at least facilitated.

The initial mention of the Saturday evening team meeting came across as an adult meeting. Given that it is not, I can understand not cancelling it. However, if the son wants to do the Derby (and not having the stuff for it until a few weeks ahead isn't all that unusual, so doesn't indicate a lack of interest), then Dad should try and figure out how to make it happen, even if it does mean forfeiting that time. Between work & daughter's school meeting, Dad won't be spending that much time with his son anyway, ya know?

Two months' notice for a camping trip? Seems reasonable. It would be great if Dad could take him on it. IMO.. I didn't ask for every single thing, but the big ones? I sure did. And Dad made accommodations. I'll admit, I still wonder what possessed me to request a switch for Klondike... who the heck wants to spend the day/weekend traipsing around in 0 degree temps???

Again, in THIS, my ex was quite reasonable

You're welcome Stealth!

 

[gr8rn]

No one is bullying this OP. Oh I get it, because I disagree with her that is wrong. However everyone can gang up on lilmansmom or others and that is just fine. When I point out something however, everyone can gang up on me. Pot, meet kettle. Oh yeah, no one ever bullies me. Got it. Bunch of hypocrites.

I saw nothing wrong with your post. I supported your position.

 

[stealth2]

Just because someone doesn't agree with your approach doesn't make it an attack, hon...