do we need to cancel our children's activities?

[thetiredwife]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

The other thread was closed before I could get a clear answer on this question. If members here want to think I want the child in question to "suffer", that is what you'll believe, regardless what I say. But for whatever it's worth, that is untrue. He didn't ask for this, and neither did I or our kids together. But it is the hand we were dealt. Now despite what some may think, I know I cannot make decisions on his behalf and I'm not his parent. But as a parent of his older half siblings, I don't see how it is "none of my business" if we are expected to cancel or rearrange OUR children's previously made plans when his mother springs something on us.....that is why I posted. I'm not saying it is a bad thing for him to be in Boy Scouts, but the fact is, she put him in it without any prior agreement with my husband~ and that goes against legal custody (and that was set back in 2005). Schooling, childcare, medical care....she makes her own decisions and many times has been proven to be standoffish and dishonest. Again, mostly that is for my husband to deal with, but when things end up affecting the children I have WITH him, that does concern me.

I don't remember who asked on the other thread, but yes- we were married for a few years before his son with her was born, and we were dating and living together for longer before that. Yes, I was his childcare provider when I did not know about the adultery and she had said another guy was his father. I have known her since we were teenagers.

Anyway, this is where things stand now: my husband had told her to keep him last night and then she could drop him off after the derby was over and asked whenabout that would be. She said she'd be here by 2. Then sent a notice that it would be "later than 2". So he ended up coming here shortly before 4. As it was suggested, my husband gave up most of the time this weekend so that the child wouldn't miss the derby (if he was at the derby that is....). And now in addition to this weekend she wants to tell us which week to take him in spring so that her boyfriend can take him on a camping trip on the regular weekend here, even though they are going on another camping trip that month.

This isn't about "making the child pay"~ the conflict here that particular weekend in spring is a choir concert. Attendance at the concert is part of their grade~ aka if she (our daughter) doesn't get to her concert, she FAILS choir. In one of these recent years, my husband asked his mother about being able to pick the child up a little earlier (because the concert fell on the same weekend as custody, and the time conflicted)....she just said "no" and hung up. So he didn't go to pick him up and another visit was missed.

****So, to get to the real question- would the judge expect us to pull our children out of all their activities and that only the one child would get to be involved in activities? Why? *****

I know it was mentioned about this current weekend being "too busy" and "not including the child"~ to get specific, my husband works during the morning on Saturdays, so it's only a few hours after his son gets up that he's still at work (and there are Saturdays where he doesn't have to be in as well). He was going to take him along to the birthday party, and RSVP'd for him actually, before she said anything about the derby. The only thing after that was separate was the team meeting. How is that unreasonably busy? Is it also unfair amongst our kids together when they have separate things or when their Dad has to work? If so, that's news to me. And to clarify, no, the weekends are not usually like this.

To Ohiogal~ I do agree with Humus somewhat....you made a statement (maybe not word for word, but similar) that I "am making the child pay". Again, an assumption. I don't know you, and you don't know me or my family or the mother. That was a judgement call off of things you've read, and I've seen a whole lot of that on this site. I don't see how my asking questions about our children's activities equates to "punishing" that child. His mother did keep him yesterday and most of today. Now I can't say what my husband or the child's mother will end up doing when it comes to the trip in spring....but I will not agree with our daughter missing her concert or being told she has to quit choir now~ YEARS after she has started that. If it were to come down to that, seems to me that is a case of his mother punishing our children and making them pay, just because she wants to insist on switching weekends or their sons' plans (or hers)taking priority.

Lastly, this probably seems like a " these things happen and Mom just wants what's best for him" kind of thing. I have seen the whole history~ years and years of fights and threats and just taking off with him (plus much more)....that is the reason she is in abeyance of contempt. She is not an innocent. Now do I think its right if and/or when he is put in the middle of all this? No. And I don't think its right for the children I birthed either. We just try to deal with it and work it out the best we can.

Now I've addressed the comments/questions on the old thread. If someone could please clarify if we need to make sure our children do not have any plans ever. I thought the answer was simply "No- legally [Dad] can decide what happens during his custodial time", but then it went off in all kinds of directions and judgements on me and the truth of the situation.

 

[neopandora]

OP-the Judge is really only concerned with 3 people: the child, Mom and Dad. If/when this goes to Court again, if Dad starts explaining how his other children had events and plans just didn't allow him to visit with his son, or worse, that son had to miss all the activities and never got one-on-one time with Dad. What would you hear if you were the Judge?

There appears to be a very easy solution to the spring camping trip-Dad takes son and you go to the choir event. It's healthy and beneficial to have some one-on-one time with your parents.

It's very normal for multiple siblings to have overlapping or conflicting events and the parents do the best they can to make sure all children attend and try to be present as much as juggling allows.

It's troubling to me that your thoughts on this are that since there's a conflict I guess the Court expects my daughter to quit choir. If one of your other children had a camping event the same weekend, what would be your thoughts? I don't believe they would be that extreme.

 

[st-kitts]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

I don't remember who asked on the other thread, but yes- we were married for a few years before his son with her was born, and we were dating and living together for longer before that. Yes, I was his childcare provider when I did not know about the adultery and she had said another guy was his father. I have known her since we were teenagers.

First, I am terribly sorry your husband cheated on you. That said, as much as I think this situation isn't going to be a winner for you any way you play it, I think the person that you should be most frustrated and angry with sleeps beside you at night. And anger toward the other woman is misplaced. Your husband put your family and your children in this situation and he needs to be the one to fix it. Not you.

You are cleaning up his mess, still.

 

[neopandora]

First, I am terribly sorry your husband cheated on you. That said, as much as I think this situation isn't going to be a winner for you any way you play it, I think the person that you should be most frustrated and angry with sleeps beside you at night. And anger toward the other woman is misplaced. Your husband put your family and your children in this situation and he needs to be the one to fix it. Not you.

You are cleaning up his mess, still.

I was going to make another post of almost the exact same thing. It is her Husband that put her and her children where they are now and he is also where her solutions lie.

 

[Ohiogal]

Others said the same thing I did and you want to call me out? Really? Glad to see you are a bully. I have seen several of your posts and they include griping about the other child and mother and mentioning several times how she cheated with your husband. Well blame your husband and not the child.

Why didn't you call anyone else out that agrees with me or with whom I agree?
If your husband has an issue with this situation -- quite frankly HE can post here. Why? Because YOU do not matter to the situation legally.

 

[thetiredwife]

OP-the Judge is really only concerned with 3 people: the child, Mom and Dad. If/when this goes to Court again, if Dad starts explaining how his other children had events and plans just didn't allow him to visit with his son, or worse, that son had to miss all the activities and never got one-on-one time with Dad. What would you hear if you were the Judge?

There appears to be a very easy solution to the spring camping trip-Dad takes son and you go to the choir event. It's healthy and beneficial to have some one-on-one time with your parents.

It's very normal for multiple siblings to have overlapping or conflicting events and the parents do the best they can to make sure all children attend and try to be present as much as juggling allows.

It's troubling to me that your thoughts on this are that since there's a conflict I guess the Court expects my daughter to quit choir. If one of your other children had a camping event the same weekend, what would be your thoughts? I don't believe they would be that extreme.

Going in order: In this case, I have testified in court (as did her boyfriend and older children) and our children and I have been discussed and are mentioned in the court paperwork. His son with her did not miss his event (if it was for that reason) yesterday, and has lost out on visits here many times before this. This isn't an instance of "Dad denied the child what he wanted to do".

The reason I mentioned if our children are expected to cancel events is the responses received here, ie "Just skip the meeting, his other son's event takes priority". Besides the choir concert, my husband will probably have work that Saturday- that is why he cannot tell her for sure that he can switch weekends or take him camping.

Yes, we do arrange things or make other plans if work or the kids' plans here conflict with each other. It is different though because our kids see their Dad every day, not every other weekend.

 

[thetiredwife]

First, I am terribly sorry your husband cheated on you. That said, as much as I think this situation isn't going to be a winner for you any way you play it, I think the person that you should be most frustrated and angry with sleeps beside you at night. And anger toward the other woman is misplaced. Your husband put your family and your children in this situation and he needs to be the one to fix it. Not you.

You are cleaning up his mess, still.

Thank you for understanding about the cheating. Yes, he is definitely one half of the problem and we worked through the anger. In this case, it was a double betrayal though (I thought she and I had been close friends for years). I am well aware that legally, he is the only one who can take action. I've been talking about in concerns to our kids~ how they would feel if they were told they couldn't do something they had planned. They know their half-brother, but I don't want them to end up feeling resentful or confused. Hopefully any parents here can understand that.

 

[thetiredwife]

Others said the same thing I did and you want to call me out? Really? Glad to see you are a bully. I have seen several of your posts and they include griping about the other child and mother and mentioning several times how she cheated with your husband. Well blame your husband and not the child.

Why didn't you call anyone else out that agrees with me or with whom I agree?
If your husband has an issue with this situation -- quite frankly HE can post here. Why? Because YOU do not matter to the situation legally.

I'm sorry you see me as a bully here, and I did not call you one. You keep insinuating that I blame the child. I don't blame the child. He didn't make the custody order. His mom put him in Boy Scouts. She said there was a conflict with visitation, so my husband told her to keep the child for Friday and most of Saturday. How is that blaming the child for anything? The reason I mention the cheating more than once is that I still have read some posts calling me the "new wife" or asking when we got married. It isn't to gripe about it. I know others said similar things to what you said, you were the first. He won't post here, I am. And I will reference again (to be clear) that even the judges and her lawyer do not tell us that me and my children "do not matter" in this case. So why do you keep griping about that?

 

[CurrentlyUndone]

The reason I mentioned if our children are expected to cancel events is the responses received here, ie "Just skip the meeting, his other son's event takes priority".

You did not initially make it clear that the meeting was with the kids. When you clarified that, the poster who made that suggestion modified his/her opinion.

 

[mistoffolees]

Now I've addressed the comments/questions on the old thread. If someone could please clarify if we need to make sure our children do not have any plans ever. I thought the answer was simply "No- legally [Dad] can decide what happens during his custodial time", but then it went off in all kinds of directions and judgements on me and the truth of the situation.

Ignoring all the drama, this is the legally correct advice. Absent a court order, each parent is free to do whatever they wish on their own parenting time.

You're confusing all the other advice you received. There was lots of ADDITIONAL advice on how you might approach that situation. There was advice on how things would work out if the poor kid had two reasonably mature parents who put the child first. There was advice on ways you might be able to get a court order changing the situation. All of that advice was relevant and if you read the thread again, you should pay attention to it.

But from a legal perspective, the bolded part above is the correct answer until the court issues a new order.

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually your husband is MORE than half the problem. For the rest YOU are a legal stranger and on your own.

 

[thetiredwife]

Actually your husband is MORE than half the problem. For the rest YOU are a legal stranger and on your own.

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this. If I were here arguing that I am the parent of that child or demanding to make legal decisions concerning him, I would 100% understand the attitude I was presented with. I do not understand how questions and things affecting my children are "none of my business" and how I'm a legal stranger to them.

I appreciate you keeping it to the point misto. Since the question was answered, please close the thread....thank you.

 

[Ohiogal]

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this. If I were here arguing that I am the parent of that child or demanding to make legal decisions concerning him, I would 100% understand the attitude I was presented with. I do not understand how questions and things affecting my children are "none of my business" and how I'm a legal stranger to them.

I appreciate you keeping it to the point misto. Since the question was answered, please close the thread....thank you.

Your husband decided to screw around. The fact that you decided to stay with him, means you decided you have NO RIGHTS to the child that resulted to him. YOu did not divorce him. He needs to be the one making questions.

You have NO RIGHTS to deal with his child. And his child legally is his. And you have NO SAY SO. Those are all legal facts.