Our Family Wizard

[breezymom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Does anyone know if there is a way to get an order to have to communicate through this site without having to waste the court's time by having a hearing, etc.? Honestly, I would love to use it and I would even be willing to budget out paying for it for us both while my kid's dad is unemployed. Just so the child is not put in the middle and to make things less confrontational. I know he will object to it, though, since he can't change anything and everything can be monitored, so I would like to try and get it ordered.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Does anyone know if there is a way to get an order to have to communicate through this site without having to waste the court's time by having a hearing, etc.? Honestly, I would love to use it and I would even be willing to budget out paying for it for us both while my kid's dad is unemployed. Just so the child is not put in the middle and to make things less confrontational. I know he will object to it, though, since he can't change anything and everything can be monitored, so I would like to try and get it ordered.

File a motion. YOu can try requesting it be ordered based on affidavit.

 

[breezymom]

Thanks, OG. I budgeted it out to pay for us both and I think this will help some issues, one way or the other, and most importantly, it will keep the child OUT of it.

 

[breezymom]

Ok. So here's the deal. I had something planned, already months in advance, that we do regularly on Saturdays that is paid for.

He sends me a message asking if he can pick up our child Saturday, 9a-3p, for her sister's birthday party.

So, I sent him back a message saying, In place of the regularly scheduled visitation? Ok. I had something planned for Saturday months in advance, but I will cancel it.

He replies with, "Why would I still not have her on Monday???"

Would I look like a prick if I didn't allow it, then? The court order says Mondays, so Monday would trump the Saturday.

I was being flexible enough to cancel something I had paid for on my parenting time with the child and we've already missed a few weeks of it due to the visitation changes.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok. So here's the deal. I had something planned, already months in advance, that we do regularly on Saturdays that is paid for.

He sends me a message asking if he can pick up our child Saturday, 9a-3p, for her sister's birthday party.

So, I sent him back a message saying, In place of the regularly scheduled visitation? Ok. I had something planned for Saturday months in advance, but I will cancel it.

He replies with, "Why would I still not have her on Monday???"

Would I look like a prick if I didn't allow it, then? The court order says Mondays, so Monday would trump the Saturday.

I was being flexible enough to cancel something I had paid for on my parenting time with the child and we've already missed a few weeks of it due to the visitation changes.

Follow the court order and then you won't have problems. If you want to be flexible, then be flexible, but don't complain about the outcome.

 

[breezymom]

'nuff said, misto. Thanks. That is exactly what I was thinking. So, I just told him, then, "You can pick her up on Monday, at the scheduled time, per the court order."

No emotion, no explanations, nothing.

 

[breezymom]

Well, that got a popular reply of how "wrong" it is. But I'm not answering.

 

[breezymom]

Ok, first of all, for everyone's use, I found a wonderful article on Our Family Wizard:

OurFamily Wizard, Part 2: Common Excuses Made by High-Conflict Parents Not to Use OFW and Effective Counter-Arguments l Dr Tara J. Palmatier | Shrink4Men


I still have one question, for those who may use it:

I see emergencies are pretty much taken care of, but what happens if you are out of the house (or the NCP), not near a computer, and have an emergency? How do you contact then? It says to txt through OFW for emergencies, however, is it set up to where you can text through your phone to OFW that forwards it to the other parents' phone? I am curious because, after reading the article, that's about the only excuse I could see him making that I couldn't say, "not true," to.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok, first of all, for everyone's use, I found a wonderful article on Our Family Wizard:

OurFamily Wizard, Part 2: Common Excuses Made by High-Conflict Parents Not to Use OFW and Effective Counter-Arguments l Dr Tara J. Palmatier | Shrink4Men


I still have one question, for those who may use it:

I see emergencies are pretty much taken care of, but what happens if you are out of the house (or the NCP), not near a computer, and have an emergency? How do you contact then? It says to txt through OFW for emergencies, however, is it set up to where you can text through your phone to OFW that forwards it to the other parents' phone? I am curious because, after reading the article, that's about the only excuse I could see him making that I couldn't say, "not true," to.

I don't see it there, but only glanced through their site.

However, in the end, no system is going to be perfect and prevent any potential conflict. Use OFW for most things and if there's an emergency, the emergency should take precedence over who told who what.

 

[breezymom]

I don't want to put too many details on here however...

I was told OFW is an excellent choice and what's best for the child.

Apparently, I violated some non-existent court order, today, by having my neighbor who has been scheduled to do exchanges in the past when the safe exchange program is closed on the holiday (he just never picks her up there, but did today). He demanded to know what time I left her there and told the lady, "This is a violation!" and then proceeded to tell her he's sorry she is put in that position.

Then he gets home and immediately sends me a message saying the child's mouth is filthy and that the child told him she had chocolate and how DARE I give her chocolate that early in the morning.

In response to telling him, a few days ago, where to pick her up, he told me that I "must stop these kinds of actions!"

And now he's starting with the sexual abuse-type allegations in the recent messages, as well...the same ones that the child's psychologist sees no signs of...the same psych that he won't participate with us in seeing for our daughter's well-being.

Apparently he just can't simply enjoy parenting time with his daughter.

Let's just say I'm doing everything my lawyer told me to do to this point.

I do believe that nothing he said is an emergency, nor anything that he can't take care of, so I need not reply

What does the general public think, here? I think between my lawyer and the forums here, I'm finally getting it...?

 

[not2cleverRed]

I will make the observation that there is no way to take away all the conflict when dealing with a high conflict person, so no matter how perfect OFW were, a difficult ex could find a way to have a problem.

When dealing with a difficult ex, responding with as little emotion is the way to go. If he is making false allegations, keep a record of that, etc., but a reply is tantamount to "getting into a pissing fight with a skunk" - no one wins, and you get stunk up just by association.

A difficult misguided ex can claim you are violating a non-existent court order, but unless he actually follows through with filing contempt, or contacting authorities, take it for what it is. If there is to be any response, request that he cite the specific document and line(s) therein to which he is referring.

Yes, it's stressful. VOE. I have a difficult ex too. (Thankfully he's not court happy.)

 

[breezymom]

You are most certainly correct. He will have his chance to bring up his issues when we return to court, shortly.

I've learned that, unless it is an emergency, no response is the best response with my own situation. I've learned to give him the information I have to give him and to not engage him in any conversation, whatsoever, and unfortunately, the best way to do that is when our program is closed, to have a third party do the exchange, just as the program does. It's not the way I want it, but our child is comfortable, and that's what counts.

I, personally, like dealing with problems and solving them, but when one is dealing with someone who wants to intimidate and threaten instead of solving problems like a grown adult, then the best way to "deal" with it is to leave it alone. Apparently I can't solve all the problems in the world I want to solve and it seems court is the best medium for us. I know OFW won't solve the issues, but at least I'm not alone when we're using that, rather than when I'm standing outside my home, and the child is set aside in his back seat while he rambles on about how horrible her mother and grandparents are. At least then she only has to be exposed to what he exposes her to when she's at his house and she will always have an outlet for that. I'll make sure. Her psychologist is fantastic and tries to make sure the children aren't being bullied into saying one thing or another or acting in a certain way to appease the parent(s).

I have a feeling things will come rapidly as court approaches, but I'm going to use the skills I've learned here and from my lawyer to deal with things so our child is least affected. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I always like to improve myself. I love that kiddo. Truly thank you guys for all the responses you've given me over the past couple of years--especially misto for the smacks to my forehead.

 

[breezymom]

Hey...having trouble getting in touch with my lawyer and I'm getting anxious since she said I had to get moving on this. It's been awhile since I sent her what she wanted to look over to amend the petition.

How long do I have before the trial date to legally make an amendment?

 

[breezymom]

Getting a little nervous...does anyone know this answer? I've tried google but still not finding it. I can't get in to see my lawyer until March 15, which is only about 2 weeks before court. The amendment was recommended by my lawyer during our meeting with the GAL. One of those amendments would be to try and get the use of OFW in the court order, the GAL feeling it the best option to shield her client, our daughter. Another amendment is to properly address seeking a court-ordered full psych exam. I really can't go more into detail, but it's important for our daughter's well-being that I do this properly. All I need to know, if anyone knows is how much time before a court date do I have to file an amendment to the petition? If I phoned the family court, is that a question they can answer, if no one else knows, or would that be considered them giving legal advice, which they cannot do?

 

[Ohiogal]

Getting a little nervous...does anyone know this answer? I've tried google but still not finding it. I can't get in to see my lawyer until March 15, which is only about 2 weeks before court. The amendment was recommended by my lawyer during our meeting with the GAL. One of those amendments would be to try and get the use of OFW in the court order, the GAL feeling it the best option to shield her client, our daughter. Another amendment is to properly address seeking a court-ordered full psych exam. I really can't go more into detail, but it's important for our daughter's well-being that I do this properly. All I need to know, if anyone knows is how much time before a court date do I have to file an amendment to the petition? If I phoned the family court, is that a question they can answer, if no one else knows, or would that be considered them giving legal advice, which they cannot do?

That would be in the local rules. Is the psych exam for your ex or your daughter? Guessing ex but want to be sure.