Our Family Wizard

[LdiJ]

The remainder of the hearing is not for a month and a half.

Some time within that period, I may be offered full time employment where I work now (so, in other words, I can better the child's life and my own without having to move anywhere).

The issue is that the pickup time is 2 PM on a week day and since the scene caused at the beginning of this month, I am unable to find a daycare for the ex to drop off kiddo, because the providers do not want that kind of liability and he is no longer allowed at the daycare I would be using the remainder of the time because the state supervisor feels he is a safety threat.

So, in other words, the child's life and my own are controlled/limited because Dad can't behave himself. My only option seems to be to leave kiddo there for almost 3 hours longer or don't take full time employment. Dad has trouble finding a babysitter/daycare to begin with and now I am having issues because of the scene he caused.

What would I do? I would take the full time employment and have the child spend more time at daycare. There really isn't any other choice. However, you also need the court's sanction to change pick-up drop-off times.

 

[breezymom]

Another Week, Another Problem

This is so old, it's ridiculous.

So, nightmares for kiddo, already, for two weeks, since the last incident.

I'm going to make this to-the-point

Dad sends a message that my stepdad is stalking him and our child is terrified of him. WE LIVE NEAR EACH OTHER. Dad and kiddo were at LEAST a block AWAY from his own house when this incident occurred. SD was OTW HERE and getting coffee and going to friggen vote. He did NOT even go near the guy's house and said kiddo didn't even SEE him, but Dad started shaking his fist at him. Perhaps after the fist shaking kiddo saw him? It's a damn possibility. Now my parents can't even leave their own house?

So, then comes the exchange at a public restaurant. Dad shows up, I'm sitting at a table up front. We move to a booth after he goes, but I sit there to be in view of him AND people. This is what happened:

Dad comes over and asked if I got his message.

I said yes.

Dad begins to discuss the incident and I told him not now please.

Dad then says it is dangerous for our child to sit on the seat at the table where I am. Dad says he is going to go get a high chair, but doesn't move.

I tell Dad we move to a booth once he goes and tell him thank you but I can get the high chair.

Dad asks me if the restaurant is advised of this situation.

I ask Dad why they need to be advised of anything, since all he is doing is dropping off kiddo to me and kiddo and I are having a bite to eat and leaving.

Dad goes back to the dangerous chair and I tell him again we will be moving. Dad asks a staff member to get a high chair.l

I tell Dad thank you, I can get it, please go.

Dad starts in again about the incident with SD. Starts going on about witnesses. I tell him again, not now, please.

I begin moving to the booth, trying to get kiddo away from the situation and trying to give her her drink.

The woman brings the high chair and I tell her, "Thank you, Ma'am," and I'm putting stuff on the table when the woman focuses (I left actually quite a few things on the table other than this) on my keys, reminding me they are left on the first table. I again told her thank you and I would get them.

Kiddo starts crying about not wanting to sit in the high chair. I try to distract her with her drink.

I come back around the corner, Dad is still there and I asked him to please go.

Dad says he is waiting to speak to the manager.

I just took the rest of the stuff along and sat with kiddo on my lap to let her calm down and gave her some drink. Dad was gone probably a minute or two later.

We get home after eating and there is a message from Dad saying how unfair it was of me to make a scene in front of kiddo and make her cry all over his offer for a high chair so she wasn't on a dangerous chair and under no reason should I be telling him to leave with him listening.

I had the exchange listened to by a therapist and a parenting expert (one-party state, I recorded audio for review purposes) to see how I could have handled it differently. I had already previously been told to ask him to go if he tried bringing things up in front of her (I anticipated, due to the message, that would happen, so I asked first). What I was told was this, based on these analyses:

Dad's voice was rather monotone and steady, mine business-like. It was obvious there have been previous issues. Dad sounded like he was trying to trap me into some sort of reaction and bringing things up again, from that point on was only trying to provoke.

I'm also going into the final co-parenting class again. The instructor actually asked me to bring some information for HER if I came across it and was wondering why I was there, since I remembered and could synthesize the information from before. I simply told her that there are still issues and I'm trying to see what I missed that I could use to fix them and that I'm frustrated that things are the way they are but I feel like I'm running out of options, just like I'm running out of exchange options. I know I can only control my own behavior.

I guess it must be me, the other mother, and now much of the community who have all the issues. I try to deal with things, his older child's mother never speaks to him, both children's day cares have had issues with him, our local early intervention services doesn't want to speak with him, some folks with whom I work want nothing to do with him, he complains that both law guardians are biased and never call him back for both children, my lawyer's firm, according to him, endangers children. I guess there is something wrong with everyone but him.

I am frustrated and mostly because kiddo keeps witnessing these things, whether it is me doing the exchange or not. I'm not sure the pickup/drop off times are the problem. Since the day cares for both kids, me doing it, the other mother's way of doing the exchanges, my neighbor, another daycare previously used, and the old program we can no longer use all are endangering the children, then please, someone suggest some option that hasn't been used.

What he wants is me, alone, before and after work, by myself, at his house for both. Maybe I am wrong, but I see trouble in that.

 

[TheGeekess]

This is so old, it's ridiculous.

So, nightmares for kiddo, already, for two weeks, since the last incident.

I'm going to make this to-the-point

Dad sends a message that my stepdad is stalking him and our child is terrified of him. WE LIVE NEAR EACH OTHER. Dad and kiddo were at LEAST a block AWAY from his own house when this incident occurred. SD was OTW HERE and getting coffee and going to friggen vote. He did NOT even go near the guy's house and said kiddo didn't even SEE him, but Dad started shaking his fist at him. Perhaps after the fist shaking kiddo saw him? It's a damn possibility. Now my parents can't even leave their own house?

So, then comes the exchange at a public restaurant. Dad shows up, I'm sitting at a table up front. We move to a booth after he goes, but I sit there to be in view of him AND people. This is what happened:

Dad comes over and asked if I got his message.

I said yes.

Dad begins to discuss the incident and I told him not now please.

Dad then says it is dangerous for our child to sit on the seat at the table where I am. Dad says he is going to go get a high chair, but doesn't move.

I tell Dad we move to a booth once he goes and tell him thank you but I can get the high chair.

Dad asks me if the restaurant is advised of this situation.

I ask Dad why they need to be advised of anything, since all he is doing is dropping off kiddo to me and kiddo and I are having a bite to eat and leaving.

Dad goes back to the dangerous chair and I tell him again we will be moving. Dad asks a staff member to get a high chair.l

I tell Dad thank you, I can get it, please go.

Dad starts in again about the incident with SD. Starts going on about witnesses. I tell him again, not now, please.

I begin moving to the booth, trying to get kiddo away from the situation and trying to give her her drink.

The woman brings the high chair and I tell her, "Thank you, Ma'am," and I'm putting stuff on the table when the woman focuses (I left actually quite a few things on the table other than this) on my keys, reminding me they are left on the first table. I again told her thank you and I would get them.

Kiddo starts crying about not wanting to sit in the high chair. I try to distract her with her drink.

I come back around the corner, Dad is still there and I asked him to please go.

Dad says he is waiting to speak to the manager.

I just took the rest of the stuff along and sat with kiddo on my lap to let her calm down and gave her some drink. Dad was gone probably a minute or two later.

We get home after eating and there is a message from Dad saying how unfair it was of me to make a scene in front of kiddo and make her cry all over his offer for a high chair so she wasn't on a dangerous chair and under no reason should I be telling him to leave with him listening.

I had the exchange listened to by a therapist and a parenting expert (one-party state, I recorded audio for review purposes) to see how I could have handled it differently. I had already previously been told to ask him to go if he tried bringing things up in front of her (I anticipated, due to the message, that would happen, so I asked first). What I was told was this, based on these analyses:

Dad's voice was rather monotone and steady, mine business-like. It was obvious there have been previous issues. Dad sounded like he was trying to trap me into some sort of reaction and bringing things up again, from that point on was only trying to provoke.

I'm also going into the final co-parenting class again. The instructor actually asked me to bring some information for HER if I came across it and was wondering why I was there, since I remembered and could synthesize the information from before. I simply told her that there are still issues and I'm trying to see what I missed that I could use to fix them and that I'm frustrated that things are the way they are but I feel like I'm running out of options, just like I'm running out of exchange options. I know I can only control my own behavior.

I guess it must be me, the other mother, and now much of the community who have all the issues. I try to deal with things, his older child's mother never speaks to him, both children's day cares have had issues with him, our local early intervention services doesn't want to speak with him, some folks with whom I work want nothing to do with him, he complains that both law guardians are biased and never call him back for both children, my lawyer's firm, according to him, endangers children. I guess there is something wrong with everyone but him.

I am frustrated and mostly because kiddo keeps witnessing these things, whether it is me doing the exchange or not. I'm not sure the pickup/drop off times are the problem. Since the day cares for both kids, me doing it, the other mother's way of doing the exchanges, my neighbor, another daycare previously used, and the old program we can no longer use all are endangering the children, then please, someone suggest some option that hasn't been used.

What he wants is me, alone, before and after work, by myself, at his house for both. Maybe I am wrong, but I see trouble in that.

I sure as daylight wouldn't agree to that. I'd get it ordered that exchanges are to take place at the police station.

 

[breezymom]

Going to have to do that but to be honest the only reason I haven't is no witnesses outside of it. Cameras, yes. Cameras don't pick up voice. And what isn't heard isn't said. I will have to see if it can be done inside.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

There appear to be only two choices here:
1. exchange at the police station (inside) with a police witness

2. exchange at a program where they take the child and the two of you do NOT see each other

There is NO way I would exchange without there being witnesses.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree with the other responders, Breezy. But I would also say this, next time don't remain there with child. When child is with you, LEAVE. Take the child and go to the bathroom. Take the child and go get in your car and leave. But don't let dad interact with you. If he tries to stop you from leaving, then call the police.

 

[MichaCA]

Going to have to do that but to be honest the only reason I haven't is no witnesses outside of it. Cameras, yes. Cameras don't pick up voice. And what isn't heard isn't said. I will have to see if it can be done inside.

I always assumed exchanges at police stations WERE done inside? Give them a call and see. I would request an additional stipulation that the receiving parent leaves FIRST - when car is gone the other party may leave.

In the meantime - I like OhioGals advice - I called the police more than once at time periods like this specifically for a "peaceful transition", however agree, as soon as pick up your child, get in your car and go or go to bathroom.

 

[breezymom]

Well, I got a phone call from him, this morning, after I took kiddo to neighbor's.

He and his family are upset.

He and his family do NOT agree to the police station.

(Tried telling him it's between him and ME, not his family, him, and me)

He IS filing for FULL CUSTODY on Monday.

He demanded that this HAS to stop.

 

[frylover]

Well, I got a phone call from him, this morning, after I took kiddo to neighbor's.

He and his family are upset.

He and his family do NOT agree to the police station.

(Tried telling him it's between him and ME, not his family, him, and me)

He IS filing for FULL CUSTODY on Monday.

He demanded that this HAS to stop.

Well, I think everyone can agree with THAT much!

I realize I am not a licensced health care professional, but.....HE IS A FREAKIN' NUT BALL!

 

[breezymom]

I am scared as heck to see how he tries to manipulate in court. I just pray the judge sees through it and doesn't uprooted kiddo from the stability and security she has.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Deep breath.

What is the change of circumstances that he is claiming to change what is currently the court order? Just because I want, I want, I want is NOT a COC.

Where are you doing your exchanges? My suggestion is a witness. Now, you don't necessarily have to have your witness sit next to you, but just close enough to hear and see things? anyone that dad doesn't know that is willing to go to court? For instance, you go into McDonald's. This witness has a drink and a book and they "pretend" to read, but are actually listening and watching the exchange. you need this person to go to court and testify to dad's behavior.

How old is the court order?

 

[not2cleverRed]

Take MANY deep breaths.

He can file what he wants. He can claim what he wants. But he first has to present a change of circumstance.

Now, if what he presents in his petition to the court is as loopy as everything else he does,
be as calm as you can, and have your ducks in a row as Tinkerbell has suggested.

If you respond in kind, the judge will wonder if s/he is dealing with 2 loopy people, not one.

 

[breezymom]

We were doing them, mainly, at a no-contact exchange program, which is on our current court order.

The program was shut down in April (we only had a week or two's notice)

My neighbor began to be the main exchange person, so he actually finally began picking her up there, but neighbor can't do one of the 4 exchanges, which is the drop off after the over night.

So, I did them, myself, at my home, but things just never changed. He tries to trap, bribe, and threaten me into things like violating the current order. I usually just walk away.

So, knowing eventually I would need daycare, anyway, with it being a neutral party exchange, I found the daycare.

He made a scene the very first time dropping kiddo off there and was deemed unsafe to be there by the state supervisor who came down to investigate the 5-6 violations he reported against the daycare. The supervisor suggested the GAL meet him at a public place and pick up the child from him and take him to the daycare, instead.

Then there was this week after the overnight, where we met in the restaurant (see above). He tried trapping me there into saying or doing something and didn't, but thought he did and told me how DARE I make a scene in front of our child and make her cry when he was only offering a high chair. (She is soon 3 years old, btw, for an age update.) And how DARE I tell him to leave in front of her.

I've listened to the audio time and time again. Nowhere did I get loud or demanding and the child was crying because she didn't want to sit in the high chair.

As for change in circumstance, there isn't one. She can't even start school for another 2-4 years, depending on if the district eliminates the PK and K programs. He is just trying to say I endanger our child by letting her sit on a swivel chair for what should be 1-2 minutes, max. Or that our child is being abused by and terrified of one of my parents.

Kiddo had a complete meltdown this morning...dumped an entire basket of laundry on the floor, her drawings, numerous things off the tables, and started screaming she wanted to go to Nana and Poppa's (my parents'). She screamed she didn't want to go to Daddy's. For a child who is supposedly terrified of my parents, she begs to go an awful lot (numerous times a day), so more than likely, she was begging to GO there and he was peeved at it.

 

[breezymom]

And you guys have helped me calm down, honestly, as far as dealing with court when we're there. I even act calmly with him, no matter how he pushes. It's just that after SO many times, I need a good cry or something when I'm by myself, or to type something out so that I can get it out some way, because I harbor a lot within to keep it from our child.

It's one day at a time. And sorry. Sometimes I can sound in panic when I type, but I'm more just afraid of the unknown coming up with finishing the trial.

Just sometimes one HAS to get it out in a healthy way. And I have my therapist and writing to do that.

 

[breezymom]

Ok, so he called last minute saying he wouldn't pick her up because he and his family were very upset and he and his family did NOT agree to the police station. So that's how the first time went.

Now, I reminded him about it and he said that "that is off the scale detrimental to [his] child"

Now what? It would be the drop off only for that since the neighbor does the pick up.