my worrying situation...divorce/child support/alimony questions

[nmstorm32]

Colorado:

Forgive me for the length and detail of this post but I need some advice and i can't turn to anybody at my work, my HR, and my family, and my union has no clue what to think. So here I go...

I recently filed for divorce after 17 co-dependent abusive years. I stayed with my wife despite at least six different affairs and constant drug abuse (all on her part). I found out early last year that she had been cheating on me with another man for at least two years. The cheating had stopped but it hurt me bad. I also found out in February that she got pregnant and had an abortion (I had a vasectomy seven years ago and also got tested...couldn't be my baby).

This event even lead me to a suicide attempt and nearly two weeks in the hospital. Well, with that background information everything escalated and I was arrested on August 22nd. I have been charged with Felony 1 and 2 perjury, felony attempting to influence a public officer, and misdemeanor stalking. I was suspended from my current federal job two days after my arrest. Last Friday, HR called me back and said that I was clear to come back to work which I have happily done for the last four days. I work in a position with a public trust clearance. I am honorably discharged from the U.S. Air Force. Before this incident I had never been in handcuffs much less arrested. I have an advanced degree and work as a GS-11.

I have reviewed the evidence against me and in my opinion it is very thin. It looks to me more like a domestic dispute than anything else but my wife has played the victim very well, so well that I have not been able to see my three beautiful kids (which is the main reason I stayed in my marriage as long as I did) for over a month. I am hoping (and assuming) that several plea-bargains will be offered. I have a public defender, which ironically, my soon to be ex complained to the Assistant DA that I inflated my costs in order to qualify for and now they are going to contest that...I haven't been able to speak to him for more than a few minutes but we have our first real meeting next week and our first real court appearance in two months.

I live in Colorado and I am going to ask for joint shared custody. The divorce will be finished way before the criminal case is. Do I have a chance to get joint shared custody? From what I understand, Colorado is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce and if I were to share my part of the story, I feel that what she did to me is much worse than what I did to her but her issues are more morality (and marijuana) and I have been charged.

Does Colorado work strictly on a foruma for child support and alimony? From what I've read, they do and I have used the forumlas to figure out how much I will owe. One big question though is how much income to impune on my wife. She has 60+ credits of community college, a certificate in phlebotomy, she is 34 years old but she has not worked very much at all over the last 17 years. The phlebotomy certificate alone should get her a job making $15 to start but I don't know. For the colorado forumula I put that she should be making $10 an hour on a 40 hour work week. Is that right? If not, what should I put?

I know this is lengthy and I appreciate all responses.

 

[ecmst12]

I think your chances without a divorce attorney are incredibly slim.

They're only slightly better WITH an attorney of course, a recent suicide attempt does NOT make you look like a good person to spend any time unsupervised with your kids, let alone MOST of the time.

 

[nmstorm32]

I think your chances without a divorce attorney are incredibly slim.

They're only slightly better WITH an attorney of course, a recent suicide attempt does NOT make you look like a good person to spend any time unsupervised with your kids, let alone MOST of the time.

Neither of us has or can afford an attorney. Does the fact that she has done drugs consistantly for 17 years, committed adultry, and recently got pregnant and had an abortion pale in comparison to what I've done? My suicide attempt was as a result of the pregnancy and abortion.

Would neither of us having an attorney help? By the way, thank you for the honest reply.

 

[LdiJ]

Neither of us has or can afford an attorney. Does the fact that she has done drugs consistantly for 17 years, committed adultry, and recently got pregnant and had an abortion pale in comparison to what I've done? My suicide attempt was as a result of the pregnancy and abortion.

Would neither of us having an attorney help? By the way, thank you for the honest reply.

Yes, unfortunately it does pale in comparison. Even if you were not charged with a crime, it would pale in comparison. You really need an attorney.

 

[nmstorm32]

Yes, unfortunately it does pale in comparison. Even if you were not charged with a crime, it would pale in comparison. You really need an attorney.

I don't understand why? I've been on medication for several months since then, I see a counsler and a psychiatrist, and I'm back to work at my federal job. I'm not trying to argue but why would a one time incident be so much worse than her habitual and continual damaging our family? My older son (16) has begged her multiple times to quit smoking, found her drugs at least a dozen times, and can barely even tolerate her...yet I can't even talk to him even though he wants to stay with me. Would he, at 16 years of age get a choice of what he wants? I don't want to seperate the three though, I just miss my kids.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't understand why? I've been on medication for several months since then, I see a counsler and a psychiatrist, and I'm back to work at my federal job. I'm not trying to argue but why would a one time incident be so much worse than her habitual and continual damaging our family? My older son (16) has begged her multiple times to quit smoking, found her drugs at least a dozen times, and can barely even tolerate her...yet I can't even talk to him even though he wants to stay with me. Would he, at 16 years of age get a choice of what he wants? I don't want to seperate the three though, I just miss my kids.

Dad, I am trying not to be too harsh here, but you really have to understand that a suicide attempt with a 2 week hospitalization is a very very serious issue when it comes to child custody...particularly since its quite recent. You also have felony charges associated with that incident. Had it been 5 or 10 years ago it would not be so relevant. The adultery, the pregnancy and the abortion are irrelevant to child custody. The drugs could be an issue, but...even that tends to pale in comparision to the suicide attempt and the charges surrounding that. If you both prove each other unfit there is also the very real possibility that your children could end up in foster care.

What would be ideal in this circumstance is if you and mom could come to an agreement regarding sharing your children...so none of this has to go before a judge. However do not be too disappointed if mom is not inclined to come to an agreement.

 

[nmstorm32]

Dad, I am trying not to be too harsh here, but you really have to understand that a suicide attempt with a 2 week hospitalization is a very very serious issue when it comes to child custody...particularly since its quite recent. You also have felony charges associated with that incident. Had it been 5 or 10 years ago it would not be so relevant. The adultery, the pregnancy and the abortion are irrelevant to child custody. The drugs could be an issue, but...even that tends to pale in comparision to the suicide attempt and the charges surrounding that. If you both prove each other unfit there is also the very real possibility that your children could end up in foster care.

What would be ideal in this circumstance is if you and mom could come to an agreement regarding sharing your children...so none of this has to go before a judge. However do not be too disappointed if mom is not inclined to come to an agreement.

Okay, let me clear up a few things and see if...maybe...it helps...or hurts

1) My felony charges don't have anything to do with the suicide attempt. They are because I am accused of lying under oath and to a police officer during a court proceeding. They suicide atttempt wasn't ever addressed after it happened.

2) I was actually in the regular hospital from Wednesday night to Friday afternoon...spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, in a pysche ward which I'm told is required and got out Tuesday morning. My stomach wasn't pumped but I took a lot of sleeping pills which made me pass out for two straight days. I really didn't want to kill myself but it was definitely considered an attempt and not something I can argue with people on because that is exactly what it looks like.

3) MY wife will not agree with me on ANYTHING. I hate even using the term wife anymore...I was so weak and in love for 17 years that I let her do anything she wanted...smoke weed and sit at home all day while I busted my but in college, the Air Force, and at work...it's all simply not fair.

I keep reading online and my counsler keeps telling me that she believes I will get 50/50 custody regardless because that is the way Colorado law works. I have no idea and I know she's a counsler not a lawyer, thats why I came on here to ask.

I appreciate your responses but they will not take our children away. My soon to be ex-wife plays the world perfectly. She is beautiful and cleans up very well. She can torture me and then turn around and two minutes later play the victim perfectly. I just miss my kids...I love my kids. I was the primary caregiver even though I was the one that worked. I took them to the park, bowling, to movies, vacations. My soon to be ex just got high and pretended to tag along.

This just doesn't feel fair.


Also...am I right that colorado child support and alimony is based entirely on formulas and not on a judges decision? That is also what I'm reading but I don't know. What should I put as her income (based on what I wrote in my initial post) when i try to figure out the formula? Like I said, I've read that her basic impuned income should come from age + education + ability to get a job. Is $10 per hour 40 hour weeks too much?

 

[Silverplum]

Okay, let me clear up a few things and see if...maybe...it helps...or hurts

1) My felony charges don't have anything to do with the suicide attempt. They are because I am accused of lying under oath and to a police officer during a court proceeding. They suicide atttempt wasn't ever addressed after it happened.

2) I was actually in the regular hospital from Wednesday night to Friday afternoon...spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, in a pysche ward which I'm told is required and got out Tuesday morning. My stomach wasn't pumped but I took a lot of sleeping pills which made me pass out for two straight days. I really didn't want to kill myself but it was definitely considered an attempt and not something I can argue with people on because that is exactly what it looks like.

What I think the others are trying to tell you is this: if you were in charge of your children while making a suicide attempt, what were your children supposed to do? Find you? Ride in the ambulance with you? Stay with the younger one/s while you were in the hospital, acting in your stead as parent?

The point is, you weren't thinking of your children.

3) MY wife will not agree with me on ANYTHING. I hate even using the term wife anymore...I was so weak and in love for 17 years that I let her do anything she wanted...smoke weed and sit at home all day while I busted my but in college, the Air Force, and at work...it's all simply not fair.

She doesn't have to agree with you.

The law is not going to make things "fair." The sooner you accept that and move along, the better for you.

I keep reading online and my counsler keeps telling me that she believes I will get 50/50 custody regardless because that is the way Colorado law works. I have no idea and I know she's a counsler not a lawyer, thats why I came on here to ask.

I appreciate your responses but they will not take our children away. My soon to be ex-wife plays the world perfectly. She is beautiful and cleans up very well. She can torture me and then turn around and two minutes later play the victim perfectly. I just miss my kids...I love my kids. I was the primary caregiver even though I was the one that worked. I took them to the park, bowling, to movies, vacations. My soon to be ex just got high and pretended to tag along.

This just doesn't feel fair.


Also...am I right that colorado child support and alimony is based entirely on formulas and not on a judges decision? That is also what I'm reading but I don't know. What should I put as her income (based on what I wrote in my initial post) when i try to figure out the formula? Like I said, I've read that her basic impuned income should come from age + education + ability to get a job. Is $10 per hour 40 hour weeks too much?

Child support is calculated by formula, based on income and overnights with the child/ren. See here:
https://childsupport.state.co.us/siteuser/do/vfs/Frag?file=/cm:calcPayments.jsp

Alimony has no calculator, and is sometimes based on equalizing incomes for a length of time approximately equal to half the length of the marriage.

 

[nmstorm32]

What I think the others are trying to tell you is this: if you were in charge of your children while making a suicide attempt, what were your children supposed to do? Find you? Ride in the ambulance with you? Stay with the younger one/s while you were in the hospital, acting in your stead as parent?

The point is, you weren't thinking of your children.


She doesn't have to agree with you.

The law is not going to make things "fair." The sooner you accept that and move along, the better for you.



Child support is calculated by formula, based on income and overnights with the child/ren. See here:
https://childsupport.state.co.us/siteuser/do/vfs/Frag?file=/cm:calcPayments.jsp

Alimony has no calculator, and is sometimes based on equalizing incomes for a length of time approximately equal to half the length of the marriage.

Thanks for the reply Silverplum, I appreciate it.

I understand that my attempt was very selfish. I can't take it back but wish I could. I also understand that the law isn't going for fair...I was just venting in that regard.

How do you equalize pay if she doesn't work? We could BARELY afford to live when we were together, there is no way we can live two separate lives, neither of us would have enough money to survive. I've been told that you take 40 percent of my gross pay and subtract 50 percent of her gross pay and that would be the alimony I would pay. I was told that if she doesn't work that you impune a number based on what she should be making full-time. Was I told wrong on all this?


So...basically...all my wife has to do is tell the judge or mediator that six months ago I attempted suicide and I automatically lose? That's what it sounds like (and I'm not trying to be sarcastic or snarky).

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks for the reply Silverplum, I appreciate it.

I understand that my attempt was very selfish. I can't take it back but wish I could. I also understand that the law isn't going for fair...I was just venting in that regard.

We're really quite literal here.

How do you equalize pay if she doesn't work? We could BARELY afford to live when we were together, there is no way we can live two separate lives, neither of us would have enough money to survive. I've been told that you take 40 percent of my gross pay and subtract 50 percent of her gross pay and that would be the alimony I would pay. I was told that if she doesn't work that you impune a number based on what she should be making full-time. Was I told wrong on all this?

Just FYI, the word you want is "impute." Yes, you request she be imputed an income as if she were working 40 hrs/wk at whatever you can prove she could make. Minimum wage is minimum. If she has made more, ask she be imputed more.

So...basically...all my wife has to do is tell the judge or mediator that six months ago I attempted suicide and I automatically lose? That's what it sounds like (and I'm not trying to be sarcastic or snarky).

No. Nothing's automatic -- it'll be in the strength of her argument vs the strength of yours. She'll use your attempt against you, most likely. And she'll likely say she wasn't working because you allowed it.

 

[nmstorm32]

We're really quite literal here.


Just FYI, the word you want is "impute." Yes, you request she be imputed an income as if she were working 40 hrs/wk at whatever you can prove she could make. Minimum wage is minimum. If she has made more, ask she be imputed more.


No. Nothing's automatic -- it'll be in the strength of her argument vs the strength of yours. She'll use your attempt against you, most likely. And she'll likely say she wasn't working because you allowed it.

Thanks again, you've been very helpful.

You are right, I did allow her not to work. I encouraged her to do whatever she wanted. She dropped out of several different schools (beauty school, pharmacy tech, regular community college, then finally got the certificate in phlebotomy). Do you think I could use what the minimum starting income is for a phlebotomist to impute (thanks for that by the way) her income?

She is going to use the attempt against (oddly enough, she was the one waiting for me when I got out of the hospital crying about how sorry SHE was) and she will definitely use the charges against me (which I think will eventually be dropped but the criminal court system takes ssssoooooo long).

I would rather have my kids over anything else including my job. I miss them. It was my daughter's ninth birthday last week and I couldn't even see her...broke my heart so bad.

What about my 16 year old son (17 in December)? Could he choose to live with me full-time and that be awarded by the court? I don't think that would be healthy to have him apart from his siblings but before all this went down, he was asking me weekly if he and I could move out...then I did something stupid, got arrested and now my poor boy and I can't even talk. This sucks!!

 

[stealth2]

What about my 16 year old son (17 in December)? Could he choose to live with me full-time and that be awarded by the court? I don't think that would be healthy to have him apart from his children but before all this went down, he was asking me weekly if he and I could move out...then I did something stupid, got arrested and now my poor boy and I can't even talk. This sucks!!

Wait. What?

 

[nmstorm32]

Wait. What?

LOL...oops...I meant his siblings. Good catch.

 

[nmstorm32]

I apologize to all who have read my posts because I do realize that I have rambled on at times and it's hard to include all the details of a case without writing a knowledge. I do appreciate the advice I've been given though and hope more people can include their input.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Neither of us has or can afford an attorney. Does the fact that she has done drugs consistantly for 17 years, committed adultry, and recently got pregnant and had an abortion pale in comparison to what I've done? My suicide attempt was as a result of the pregnancy and abortion.

The reason your suicide attempt, etc., weighs more, legally is because, in addition to being recent, it is DOCUMENTED.

Adultery is difficult to prove, legally, so might as well be a nonissue, legally. (I assume you have not quantifiable proof, because if you did, that would have been mentioned already.) Furthermore, even proving you would have been physically incapable of being the biological father of the child she aborted would be nontrivial.

As far as drug use goes - unless you have PROOF, you're better off not casting aspersions. There is no mention of police reports, her being caught using drugs, CPS being involved, etc. You NOT reporting this is equivalent to tacit approval. You mentioning it after the fact will make you look worse than her; it makes you look spiteful.

Would neither of us having an attorney help? By the way, thank you for the honest reply.

Not having an attorney would be a recipe for disaster.

You have displayed thus far a woeful lack of knowledge of what'll fly in court. You are focusing on the wrong issues, and losing yourself in insignificant details (legally speaking). Since you can't agree agree on anything, you WON'T do well together in mediation - and no judge wants to see you channeling Matlock. You are too emotionally overwrought - you cannot AFFORD to do this without a lawyer.

You should have pursued visitation already - supervised is a whole lot better than nothing.

And this bit about your other charges... you are being far too coy. Which has me wondering just what you're hiding.