my worrying situation...divorce/child support/alimony questions

[nmstorm32]

The reason your suicide attempt, etc., weighs more, legally is because, in addition to being recent, it is DOCUMENTED.

Adultery is difficult to prove, legally, so might as well be a nonissue, legally. (I assume you have not quantifiable proof, because if you did, that would have been mentioned already.) Furthermore, even proving you would have been physically incapable of being the biological father of the child she aborted would be nontrivial.

As far as drug use goes - unless you have PROOF, you're better off not casting aspersions. There is no mention of police reports, her being caught using drugs, CPS being involved, etc. You NOT reporting this is equivalent to tacit approval. You mentioning it after the fact will make you look worse than her; it makes you look spiteful.



Not having an attorney would be a recipe for disaster.

You have displayed thus far a woeful lack of knowledge of what'll fly in court. You are focusing on the wrong issues, and losing yourself in insignificant details (legally speaking). Since you can't agree agree on anything, you WON'T do well together in mediation - and no judge wants to see you channeling Matlock. You are too emotionally overwrought - you cannot AFFORD to do this without a lawyer.

You should have pursued visitation already - supervised is a whole lot better than nothing.

And this bit about your other charges... you are being far too coy. Which has me wondering just what you're hiding.

I'm not hiding anything. I have another thread about the "other charges" but I don't want to write anything too specific because they are ongoing and not even at the plea stage. I actually do have visitation rights...sorta. there is so much to explain. When I was charged with perjury and trying to influence a public officer, she applied for a civil restraining order. We came to a mediated agreement of a 90 day restraining order without review. Apart of that agreement was that she would allow me two hours per week of supervised visitations at an approved visitation house (I don't know what else to call it). So, instead of going before the judge, we signed the mediated agreement, This is separate from the divorce proceeding and I should have mentioned it earlier. I went to the third party home and filled out my portion of the paperwork right away. Three weeks later and she hadn't filled out her portion of the paperwork so I could see the kids. I filed a motion with the court last week asking that she be compelled to fill out the paperwork and honor our mediated visitation rights. So, she was willing to negotiate during our mediated civil restraining order process but she did not follow through on her part which is a sign of things to come.

You make some very good points that I hadn't thought about. I can prove that she got pregnant, had an abortion, and that I could not have fathered the child but like you said...that really isn't that important (I don't really know why, but I believe you). There is no evidence of her drug abuse other than if she were to fail a drug test and my not complaining earlier could easily sound like sour grapes and tacit approval. I'm not intentionally hiding anything here as I know not telling the truth wouldn't help me at all.

this whole thread just makes me realize more and more, the mistakes I've made. I am overwrought with emotions. I need both a criminal and a civil attorney and I can't afford either.

I don't know what to do, that is why I came on this board and posted two threads (one about the divorce, one about the charges). I have been totally honest. My only reason for being vague about the charges is because I don't want to say anything that could be potentially used against me in court (I don't know if that is even possible or not but I didn't want to risk it).

Thank you for your honest analysis of my situation.

 

[nmstorm32]

It's crazy because before I made these threads (I made one on the criminal board and one on the divorce board), I was a lot more confident about my situation. I thought I'd be fine with a public defender and I was confident that I could get joint custody of my three children without an attorney. After reading these two threads and the replies, my confidence in these outcomes and my situation has been shattered. I was probably being very naive so I'm glad that I created the threads I have. However, I'm going to be spending a great deal of time in thought trying to figure out how to get the money to hire TWO attorneys and work my way out of this mess I've put myself in.

 

[stealth2]

One of the reasons why her adultery isn't that important is because it is a marital issue - not a custody one. Unless she was actively having sex in front of the children - it has nothing to do with them. Your suicide attempt, however - DOES affect them. It also speaks to your emotional stability (or lack of it) and (coupled with the crimes you are charged with) speaks to your poor judgment.

The drug use? It sounds as though we're talking about pot. Apart from the lack of proof (a court is unlikely to order drug testing w/o any other proof), pot tends not to be regarded as a huge deal. When put up against yoru issues? It's not going to be seen as a big deal at all.

 

[anearthw]

OP, I don't think anyone here thinks this woman is a great mom.

However, you don't realize how bad you are also looking here. You say she's done drugs "constantly" for 17 years - so, ask yourself, would an upstanding father keep his kids around that for 17 years? It wasn't a problem until she started cheating on you. So, why would that be relevant? Do you understand how a court will not take your accusation of drug use seriously?

Your suicide attempt was NOT the result of a pregnancy/abortion by her. That was a result of your own actions and state of mental health. And such a documented incident shows the court that you are recently mentally unstable enough to kill yourself during a crisis.

Morality is one thing - being mentally unstable and a danger to yourself is something else. You will need a very good attorney, as others have already said. Your charges may be very relevant here as well, but your attorney should give you details on that.

 

[Proserpina]

It's crazy because before I made these threads (I made one on the criminal board and one on the divorce board), I was a lot more confident about my situation. I thought I'd be fine with a public defender and I was confident that I could get joint custody of my three children without an attorney. After reading these two threads and the replies, my confidence in these outcomes and my situation has been shattered. I was probably being very naive so I'm glad that I created the threads I have. However, I'm going to be spending a great deal of time in thought trying to figure out how to get the money to hire TWO attorneys and work my way out of this mess I've put myself in.

Please stay around and read older posts. I doubt anybody is deliberately trying to put you down here. More likely is that the collective "we" is trying to illustrate how the courts can see things.

There is a wealth of information available here. You're probably in for a rough ride - divorce is hard and painful for most people and many of us have been through it. The more knowledge you have though, the better off you'll be.

So again, please stick around.

 

[nmstorm32]

OP, I don't think anyone here thinks this woman is a great mom.

However, you don't realize how bad you are also looking here. You say she's done drugs "constantly" for 17 years - so, ask yourself, would an upstanding father keep his kids around that for 17 years? It wasn't a problem until she started cheating on you. So, why would that be relevant? Do you understand how a court will not take your accusation of drug use seriously?

Your suicide attempt was NOT the result of a pregnancy/abortion by her. That was a result of your own actions and state of mental health. And such a documented incident shows the court that you are recently mentally unstable enough to kill yourself during a crisis.

Morality is one thing - being mentally unstable and a danger to yourself is something else. You will need a very good attorney, as others have already said. Your charges may be very relevant here as well, but your attorney should give you details on that.

The pot has always been an issue. We've broken up a dozen times at least over it. She always promises to quit and then I'll find her stash a couple of months later and the cycle starts over. She never openly smokes it, has always hidden it. Until recently, I didn't even realize how bad it was since I was always working but my older son has approached me many times to tell me what's going on (without me asking). It's been a struggle for a long time. I hate that most people see it as "not that bad" but I understand the reality.

I don't understand why the few people that I have talked to have told me that they believed I would get joint custody, they must be as naive as I am or just filling my head with BS in an attempt to make me feel better. I'd prefer the truth to feeling better. I am going to stick around for sure and I have already read many dozen threads. There is some harsh reality on this board.

 

[nmstorm32]

OP, I don't think anyone here thinks this woman is a great mom.

However, you don't realize how bad you are also looking here. You say she's done drugs "constantly" for 17 years - so, ask yourself, would an upstanding father keep his kids around that for 17 years? It wasn't a problem until she started cheating on you. So, why would that be relevant? Do you understand how a court will not take your accusation of drug use seriously?

Your suicide attempt was NOT the result of a pregnancy/abortion by her. That was a result of your own actions and state of mental health. And such a documented incident shows the court that you are recently mentally unstable enough to kill yourself during a crisis.

Morality is one thing - being mentally unstable and a danger to yourself is something else. You will need a very good attorney, as others have already said. Your charges may be very relevant here as well, but your attorney should give you details on that.

One thing that anyone reading my thread needs to understand. I do realize how bad I look in this whole situation. Trust me, I understand it every moment of every day. I guess my perspective is tinted by the reality of what I've had to put up with for the last 17 years but it doesn't mean I don't know how stupid my actions were or how bad they make me look. I've done my best to actively correct those past actions.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I have read your other thread in the criminal section. In light of your response to st-kitts attempt at decoding your criminal situation, I would have to say that I'd be very surprised if that did NOT have any bearing on your divorce/custody/visitation.

Even the *hint* that there's any validity to the allegations that you impersonated your wife's lover's wife to make it look your wife's lover's wife was harassing your wife via text messages/email makes you look, at best, immature and vengeful. Coupled with a suicide attempt? Scary and irrational. If I were your wife, I would be scared to leave the kids alone with you - and that's considering that I've no drugs in my system that could cause marijuana paranoia. It's good that you're getting some help, but you have to be patient. Trust, once lost, takes time to be regained.

Do call around local attorneys and get some initial consults. Do not go with the one with the biggest ad who takes any and all credit cards and promises you the world. Do ask around - dave on the other thread is correct. Look at practices that have experience with both criminal and matrimonial law.

 

[nmstorm32]

I have read your other thread in the criminal section. In light of your response to st-kitts attempt at decoding your criminal situation, I would have to say that I'd be very surprised if that did NOT have any bearing on your divorce/custody/visitation.

Even the *hint* that there's any validity to the allegations that you impersonated your wife's lover's wife to make it look your wife's lover's wife was harassing your wife via text messages/email makes you look, at best, immature and vengeful. Coupled with a suicide attempt? Scary and irrational. If I were your wife, I would be scared to leave the kids alone with you - and that's considering that I've no drugs in my system that could cause marijuana paranoia. It's good that you're getting some help, but you have to be patient. Trust, once lost, takes time to be regained.

Do call around local attorneys and get some initial consults. Do not go with the one with the biggest ad who takes any and all credit cards and promises you the world. Do ask around - dave on the other thread is correct. Look at practices that have experience with both criminal and matrimonial law.

Yep, it was very immature and vengeful is a good description. I wanted her to hurt the way she had made me hurt for 17 years. I spent so much time just needing her and doing anything and everything she wanted and demanded that I was lost. I never considered myself scary or irrational but my actions in that instance was without a doubt irrational and my suicide attempt was also irrational.

I wish that people could actually peer inside the situation and go deeper than my two stupid recent mistakes. Before that I was consistantly awarded in the federal government and decorated in the military. I've always provided for my wife and three kids, always the one that did everything for the kids. I let years of emotional and mental abuse get the best of me and I reacted in such an incredibly stupid way that I've put myself in a giant hole. A hole that sometimes feels bottomless. It's difficult when I don't have any control of most of what is going on and my millions of past good deeds (and her past bad deeds) are irrelivant and meaningless.

I will do my best to be patient and work to improve my situation which will in turn improve the lives of my children. Ultimately, what is best for them is what I will do and respect.

 

[Ohiogal]

One thing that anyone reading my thread needs to understand. I do realize how bad I look in this whole situation. Trust me, I understand it every moment of every day. I guess my perspective is tinted by the reality of what I've had to put up with for the last 17 years but it doesn't mean I don't know how stupid my actions were or how bad they make me look. I've done my best to actively correct those past actions.

NONE of the last 17 years matter. Why? Because you stayed. You stayed. You CHOSE that. You decided she was perfectly fine. Then you went crazy and stalked your wife and acted the fool and committed criminal acts. Your wife may have cheated but she didn't go crazy. She didn't become suicidal. She looks like a perfect example of parenthood compared to you.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yep, it was very immature and vengeful is a good description. I wanted her to hurt the way she had made me hurt for 17 years. I spent so much time just needing her and doing anything and everything she wanted and demanded that I was lost. I never considered myself scary or irrational but my actions in that instance was without a doubt irrational and my suicide attempt was also irrational.

I wish that people could actually peer inside the situation and go deeper than my two stupid recent mistakes. Before that I was consistantly awarded in the federal government and decorated in the military. I've always provided for my wife and three kids, always the one that did everything for the kids. I let years of emotional and mental abuse get the best of me and I reacted in such an incredibly stupid way that I've put myself in a giant hole. A hole that sometimes feels bottomless. It's difficult when I don't have any control of most of what is going on and my millions of past good deeds (and her past bad deeds) are irrelivant and meaningless.

I will do my best to be patient and work to improve my situation which will in turn improve the lives of my children. Ultimately, what is best for them is what I will do and respect.

By the way... Congrats.

 

[Silverplum]

http://www.opm.gov/employment_and_benefits/worklife/healthwellness/eap/

You ought to take advantage of the Federal Employee Assistance Program (EAP): you're under a LOT of stress and could probably use a helping hand.

From the website, bolding mine: "All Federal agencies provide Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) for employees. Basic EAP services include free, voluntary, short-term counseling and referral for various issues affecting employee mental and emotional well-being, such as alcohol and other substance abuse, stress, grief, family problems, and psychological disorders. EAP counselors also work in a consultative role with managers and supervisors to help address employee and organizational challenges and needs. Many EAPs are active in helping organizations prevent and cope with workplace violence, trauma, and other emergency response situations.

For a point of contact for EAP information in your agency, please check your agency's intranet or internet website, or get in touch with your human resources office."

 

[nmstorm32]

NONE of the last 17 years matter. Why? Because you stayed. You stayed. You CHOSE that. You decided she was perfectly fine. Then you went crazy and stalked your wife and acted the fool and committed criminal acts. Your wife may have cheated but she didn't go crazy. She didn't become suicidal. She looks like a perfect example of parenthood compared to you.

Why are you being so rude? What have I done to you to warrant this (this reply and the reply on the other thread). My wife threatened suicide twice a week for several years. She was on anti-depressents and anti-anxiety medications and spent years in therapy because of suicidal thoughts. We have years of documented counseling that I paid for to help her with her suicidal thoughts. She attempted three times within a two year period but I stopped her (by force) and law enforcement was never involved. I protected her against herself, I took care of her, and loved her with all my heart.

yes, I CHOSE to stay. I felt very strongly that I would be alone for the rest of my life and a life of misery with her was better than a life all alone. On top of that, every time I talked about divorce or seperation she would either threaten to leave the state with the kids or actually leave the state (back to our home state) and I would be left alone. Yes, I could've called the cops many times and never did and yes that was my CHOICE but that doesn't mean that you are justified in writing what you have. My wife has been crazy from the beginning!!! I let my low self-esteem and low self-worth keep me in the relationship. Hell, when she was pregnant with our second child (while I was in the Air Force) she was cheating on me with a meth-head. How did I find out? Well...at the time, I worked 24 shifts every other day and at two in the morning one night we got a call. My wifes boyfriend had been arrested for meth and he was calling her to bail him out of jail. Needless to say, we seperated for a couple of weeks but I CHOSE to come back. I could write ten thousand examples of horrible things she did to me while I CHOSE to stay. I understand entirely that what i did was a choice. I understand entirely that my actions that put me in this situation were horrible and that I never should have done it. I came to this board knowing all this already and knowing that I would need to work my butt off to make up to my children my past actions.

I was just looking for advice.

 

[nmstorm32]

http://www.opm.gov/employment_and_benefits/worklife/healthwellness/eap/

You ought to take advantage of the Federal Employee Assistance Program (EAP): you're under a LOT of stress and could probably use a helping hand.

From the website, bolding mine: "All Federal agencies provide Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) for employees. Basic EAP services include free, voluntary, short-term counseling and referral for various issues affecting employee mental and emotional well-being, such as alcohol and other substance abuse, stress, grief, family problems, and psychological disorders. EAP counselors also work in a consultative role with managers and supervisors to help address employee and organizational challenges and needs. Many EAPs are active in helping organizations prevent and cope with workplace violence, trauma, and other emergency response situations.

For a point of contact for EAP information in your agency, please check your agency's intranet or internet website, or get in touch with your human resources office."

Thank you! I have used EAP. They have given me several attorney referrals. I have been seeing both a counselor and a psychiatrist for over a month and they have both been very helpful. I feel lot better than the words within my posts probably express. I am an expressive person so when I write people typically think I'm more wound up than I actually am. I appreciate your suggestion.

 

[LdiJ]

Why are you being so rude? What have I done to you to warrant this (this reply and the reply on the other thread). My wife threatened suicide twice a week for several years. She was on anti-depressents and anti-anxiety medications and spent years in therapy because of suicidal thoughts. We have years of documented counseling that I paid for to help her with her suicidal thoughts. She attempted three times within a two year period but I stopped her (by force) and law enforcement was never involved. I protected her against herself, I took care of her, and loved her with all my heart.

yes, I CHOSE to stay. I felt very strongly that I would be alone for the rest of my life and a life of misery with her was better than a life all alone. On top of that, every time I talked about divorce or seperation she would either threaten to leave the state with the kids or actually leave the state (back to our home state) and I would be left alone. Yes, I could've called the cops many times and never did and yes that was my CHOICE but that doesn't mean that you are justified in writing what you have. My wife has been crazy from the beginning!!! I let my low self-esteem and low self-worth keep me in the relationship. Hell, when she was pregnant with our second child (while I was in the Air Force) she was cheating on me with a meth-head. How did I find out? Well...at the time, I worked 24 shifts every other day and at two in the morning one night we got a call. My wifes boyfriend had been arrested for meth and he was calling her to bail him out of jail. Needless to say, we seperated for a couple of weeks but I CHOSE to come back. I could write ten thousand examples of horrible things she did to me while I CHOSE to stay. I understand entirely that what i did was a choice. I understand entirely that my actions that put me in this situation were horrible and that I never should have done it. I came to this board knowing all this already and knowing that I would need to work my butt off to make up to my children my past actions.

I was just looking for advice.

Sigh...I do feel sorry for you, but mostly because you cannot seem to separate legality from morality. Morality is completely irrelevant to your divorce, custody and criminal cases, and legality is all that matters.

Everything that you are describing about your ex has to do with morality...because there is no proof of any illegal actions on her part, only immoral onces which don't matter in a divorce. On the other hand, there is strong evidence of your illegal and dangerous acts, therefore yours are completely relevant.