Lost and overwhelmed

[Proserpina]

Zigner, then enlighten me: Option A) Leave without the kids and it's abandonment OR Option B) Leave with the kids, and now I am a bad parent for not letting him take care of them? This is where I get confused. If I leave with the kids and go out of state where the employment opportunities are better and I have a family support system, he will come after with "kidnapping" since he has made it perfectly clear there is no way he will ever agree to any custody that takes the kids from him; if I leave without the kids then I am abandoning them because it's "convenient" for me; if I stay with him and "co-parent" it WILL escalate into a physical fight, like it has before. So you tell me, what am I supposed to do?

This is a decision only you can make.

 

[Zigner]

Zigner, then enlighten me: Option A) Leave without the kids and it's abandonment OR Option B) Leave with the kids, and now I am a bad parent for not letting him take care of them? This is where I get confused. If I leave with the kids and go out of state where the employment opportunities are better and I have a family support system, he will come after with "kidnapping" since he has made it perfectly clear there is no way he will ever agree to any custody that takes the kids from him; if I leave without the kids then I am abandoning them because it's "convenient" for me; if I stay with him and "co-parent" it WILL escalate into a physical fight, like it has before. So you tell me, what am I supposed to do?

You alluded to physical confrontations in a prior post. An amazing father would NOT physically harm the mother of his children...

Do you have police reports from him prior violence? When was the last time there was violence.

 

[bookwurm25]

Yes, the last physical fight was documented by police. They took statements, pictures, and took him away in cuffs. In the military, they are then under a "no contact" order for 72 hours. That was not the first time, but the first time I called the cops, and the last one happened about a month ago. I am not going to lie, I fought back (I was not about to sit there and take it), which is also on file.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes, the last physical fight was documented by police. They took statements, pictures, and took him away in cuffs. In the military, they are then under a "no contact" order for 72 hours. That was not the first time, but the first time I called the cops, and the last one happened about a month ago. I am not going to lie, I fought back (I was not about to sit there and take it), which is also on file.

Sigh..great, so we have two parents who beat on each other.

I think you should speak with a local attorney first chance you get.

 

[bookwurm25]

I'm sorry, I take offense to that comment. I do not "beat on" him. My choices in the moment were let him continue to choke me or do something to get him off me. The cop involved told me I was well within my rights to defend myself. I know I need to talk to a lawyer, I just want to be as informed as I possibly can before I make any concrete decisions. Going into something like this blind would only hurt me. Thank you all for your advice. (So much for wanting to end things peacefully and maturely...then again, want in one hand...)

 

[Ohiogal]

I have to ask. How is it not abandonment if you are running off to another state while leaving the children in the care of your husband until such time as it's convenient for you to send for the kids...?

Because that is NOT the legal definition of abandonment at all.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm sorry, I take offense to that comment. I do not "beat on" him. My choices in the moment were let him continue to choke me or do something to get him off me. The cop involved told me I was well within my rights to defend myself. I know I need to talk to a lawyer, I just want to be as informed as I possibly can before I make any concrete decisions. Going into something like this blind would only hurt me. Thank you all for your advice. (So much for wanting to end things peacefully and maturely...then again, want in one hand...)

Truthfully you are both lucky that the children were not removed by the county/state from both of you for being violent in front of the children. You need to watch yourself because if you go running into court stating he hits you and you have hit him back -- the court may find it necessary to call in CPS. If I knew who you are I WOULD find it necessary to report you to the local CPS for admitting your behavior on a public website.

 

[bookwurm25]

CPS was involved and the advocate told me she found no reason for them to be involved. The children were in no danger, it happened while they were in bed, they are very well cared for in every other aspect. Trust me, I asked so many questions while she was here because the last thing I want is for the state to get involved with my kids because of our stupidity. I completely understand your statement, and if I was a third party to something like this I would think the same thing.

 

[Ohiogal]

CPS was involved and the advocate told me she found no reason for them to be involved. The children were in no danger, it happened while they were in bed, they are very well cared for in every other aspect. Trust me, I asked so many questions while she was here because the last thing I want is for the state to get involved with my kids because of our stupidity. I completely understand your statement, and if I was a third party to something like this I would think the same thing.

Getting into a physical altercation with the other parent IS NOT keeping the children safe and them not being in any danger. You need to separate yourself from this situation. Be prepared that you will need to figure out a way to coparent with this man with whom you created children. You also need to better handle things rather than "fighting back". If he is abusive, you leave and take the children with you. But keep in mind, you may be viewed just as abusive as he is.

 

[bookwurm25]

I learned my lesson last time anything happened. If anything happens between now and when things are finalized, I will call the cops without fighting back, and when his command asks me if he is allowed to come home, the answer will be know. I kick myself every day for not taking care of this years ago.

 

[bookwurm25]

no* (sorry that typo really irritated me...)

 

[Just Blue]

OP is the primary caregiver, it's best for the children to stay with her.

In a shelter? Really? Mom stated she was all good with Dad having custody...until she might not pick it back up.

If that means I have to go to the local shelter with the children and get assistance there, fine

 

[ecmst12]

Mom CONSIDERED leaving the children with dad. She has since reconsidered and will keep the kids with her and not leave the state. This is a GOOD DECISION. She's also going to get a job! WTF are you people still harassing her for? She basically said she's going to to everything we advised her to do! GO MOM. Good for you. Do the right thing.

 

[Just Blue]

Acronyms are still considered when Admin scans these threads. Just saying.
"WTF" is a TOS violation.

 

[Carlos Ray]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana (we are military)


My husband and I will be separating soon and I would not be surprised if shortly after I leave, he files for divorce. Fine. My issue is this: I cannot take our children with me because I have been dependant on my husband's income for so long and have been a stay at home mom, so I have no money of my own. Originally, my plan was to leave the children here with him while I go back to our home state, get a job, and get my own place. I was hoping we could work things out like adults and keep the kids out of a custody battle for as long as possible. To protect me, I asked him if he would be willing to sign a notarized agreement stating that if I leave without the kids, it is NOT abandonment, and that I would be willing to send him money every week/month to help as much as I could. He will not agree. Now I am being told (from someone in his company) that if I leave without the kids, they are basically going to force him to come after me for a
bandonment, bar me from coming on post (I had every intention of visiting OUR kids as much as possible), and so on. Now, I feel trapped. I only know a few people, and it would be wildly inappropriate for me to move-in with anybody he works with. The job market here is terrible (I have been trying for MONTHS to get a job that would pay my car payment and help me with rent) and I would not feel safe living alone anywhere in town. What do I do? He has completely cut me off, even though I am still living in the house with him and our kids, I still cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc...but now I have NO access to funds, not even gas money, nothing left to sell of my own to even try to get a few bucks for gas, etc. I am so completely lost. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I am not an attorney and I do not give legal advice but I am retired military and I would like to advise you to go to your base legal assistance office as soon as possible. There is absolutely no charge. You may need to make an appointment. They cannot represent you in court but they will give you the very best legal advice as a military spouse. They will also assist you with contacting all military officlals in your spouse's chain of command to ensure that all your rights and entitlements are protected. Whichever base you are closest to, goggle "'base name' legal assistance office" for the phone number and location.