Step Mom Telling Son Unappropriate Things

[gam]

Every parent has the right to choose when the right time is to talk to their children in this area. So I get where your coming from, you don't feel your child should know these things at this time.

HOWEVER, your in a split situation, you don't get to choose this on your own, the other parent has a say to. If dad is ok with his wife teaching your child these things in the manner she does, then you better learn to get over it. It's a difference in parenting style, and a court is not going to do anything on it, as it is not nasty or evil stuff she is telling the child.

Your option here is to forget your idea of when the right time and age is, since your child is getting the information from someone else. It's now the time to tell him these things yourself, unless of course you want your ex's wife to give him the information in her version.

I have an 8 year old grandson, sure he knows girls and boys have different body parts, knows good touch and bad touch and all of that, but that was about the extent of his knowledge and he never asked any questions. That all changed when his mom became pregnant and after the baby was born(she breastfeeds). He started asking questions on how babies are made, where do they come out of, why are you not giving the baby a bottle. Very natural for this age group to ask questions when someone very near to them is pregnant.

Since dad is custodial parent, and child is with step-mom most often, only natural for the child to ask her the questions when she was pregnant. Would you want step-mom lying to your child on the subject? Would you want step-mom feeding your child a fairy tale(the stork brings them)?

Yes I know you would want step-mom or dad to come to you first and explain the child has all these questions and how should we handle it, but that is not the reality of your situation, not the reality of many split situations. That most likely is the fairy tale your waiting for to happen, haha.

 

[Ohiogal]

The fact is I'm uncomfortable with her telling my son these things. I don't believe his mind is mature enough to even know this stuff, which he wouldn't know if she wasn't telling him bc neither his father nor I have brought it up. He's in 3RD GRADE. He plays with action figures and stuffed animals. He's not a tween, or a teen, he's not at the age I feel is old enough to start discussing sex or babies or girls parts. She tells him these things on her own, not in the presence of son's father or anyone else. And no one even knows about these discussions unless son brings it up. I find it creepy. And I feel uneasy about her telling my son physical stuff on her own whims without consulting anyone. It bothers me. And I Do feel its a real issue. Seriously? Did you sit your kid down at 5- in kindergarden, when they're still learning to spell their own names and say, hey a baby's going to come out of my private? Thats infuriating to me. And that's my right as a parent to decide what's best for him. Seriously. It's not a custodial/non-custodial issue. Nor is she a custodial guardian anyway.

Yes I did. Except I used actual terms. Mommy and daddy have a baby. The baby is born by coming out of mommy's vagina. Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.

My children have always been taught the PROPER names for their body parts. You need to grow up and deal with reality. You do realize that your son has already masturbated, correct? If he is a normal child, he has masturbated several times.

 

[Ohiogal]

It's a shame that neither of your son's parents are ready to address any part of the facts of life with your child. You're not doing him any favors.

My parents were very conservative. My Mom talked to me about menstruation, but that's about it. In those days, "proper" ladies didn't talk about these things. So I learned the rest from friends and books. And I swore that I would never leave my own kids floundering like that. Times have changed, thank goodness. There really is nothing shameful about our bodies, what they do, or how they work.

I always kept lines of communication open with my kids (just so you know, since you're new, I have one of each). There were no taboo subjects. I covered all of them - from erections and jacking off (yes, your son will be doing that... soon) to menstruation, to sex (which, btw, is NOT a dirty word - you can even say it aloud), to birth control, to abortion, to emotions, to babies (and how they get in vs how they get out), to almost every other related topic you could come up with. All of these with BOTH kids.

And no... it did not make them raving sex addicts. More information actually helps them be more responsible.

I disagree with the bolded. Her eight year old son has already masturbated if he is normally developed. Little boys start masturbating (though they don't know what it is called) as soon as they can reach their penis). It is part of normal exploration for a toddler.

 

[Ohiogal]

Umm. Not exactly. Yes, I was concerned about her having these talks with my son, and yes I did ask my lawyer. She actually agreed with me that it seemed odd to write "you dance naked" on paper with a 4 year old child, or tell a 5 year old child that a baby is going to come out of her privates (graphic.. ?). Anyhow, she said if it ever came to a point where I was worried about my son's safety that would be something to consider. TBH, Im pretty much over the whole court thing. I just wondered if I had valid concerns. Or if I should be checking deeper into this. You don't know me. Not even close. But nice try.

I know that you are immature. I know that you shy away from using the actual terms (penis, vagina, breasts, sex) and you seem to believe that sex is dirty. I know that you are overreacting to the fact that your son is curious and you haven't dealt with that curiosity. I can guess that he is your only child and you were most likely a young mom.

 

[stealth2]

I disagree with the bolded. Her eight year old son has already masturbated if he is normally developed. Little boys start masturbating (though they don't know what it is called) as soon as they can reach their penis). It is part of normal exploration for a toddler.

I used the terminology I did for a reason. Primarily to differentiate from that normal exploration and a more sexually oriented act. Which this child may or may not be engaging in - but I can guarantee will be sooner rather than later.

Seriously.. Let Me Just lay it all out there for you so you can get over your righteous-ness. I worry about my son. Period. I don't have to make excuses for that. I don't have to lie about it. And I could care less what you think of it. Thats my first born child. I'm gonna worry and ask questions. Thats my right and my duty. Get over it. Sounds like your a little defensive yourself.. hit a lil close to home.. ?

Seriously? YOU were the one who came here asking for our input. You got it. But it seems little silly to then get indignant when you don't like the answers you got. Perhaps you are the one who needs to consider getting over it.

I didn't mean to pull quote that googly bits quote- I was responding to perina. or whatever her name is. Umm. I don't have proof. Other than my son telling me. I thought about asking her. Or calling a meeting between myself, my husband and them two, and asking about it all. But I wasn't sure.

Actually, you SHOULD talk to your ex. Without getting angry, without pointing fingers, without having an argument. Explain what your son told you. Discuss with him (Dad, that is) how the two of you should handle such conversations with your son in the future. Ask that he bring his wife on board with the decision you reach, and make sure Dad knows you will do the same with your husband.

I know you want to keep your son your little boy for a while longer, but that barn door is well of its hinges by now. So now it's time to pull yourself together and figure out how to move forward and provide proper, factual information to your son. He really is NOT too young. It's up to you whether it will be you he comes to, to the kids on the playground.

And remember - information is power.

 

[Ohiogal]

I used the terminology I did for a reason. Primarily to differentiate from that normal exploration and a more sexually oriented act. Which this child may or may not be engaging in - but I can guarantee will be sooner rather than later.


Seriously? YOU were the one who came here asking for our input. You got it. But it seems little silly to then get indignant when you don't like the answers you got. Perhaps you are the one who needs to consider getting over it.



Actually, you SHOULD talk to your ex. Without getting angry, without pointing fingers, without having an argument. Explain what your son told you. Discuss with him (Dad, that is) how the two of you should handle such conversations with your son in the future. Ask that he bring his wife on board with the decision you reach, and make sure Dad knows you will do the same with your husband.

I know you want to keep your son your little boy for a while longer, but that barn door is well of its hinges by now. So now it's time to pull yourself together and figure out how to move forward and provide proper, factual information to your son. He really is NOT too young. It's up to you whether it will be you he comes to, to the kids on the playground.

And remember - information is power.

Re the bolded: Thank you for clarifying that. I agree with what you are saying. Older boys masturbate for sexual pleasure (jack off) while young boys masturbate because it feels good. Those are two very different things. Acting sexually is very different from doing something that feels good. This OP doesn't seem to comprehend much about behavior, sex and appropriateness. She seems almost afraid of anything sexual as she refers to "privates" as though they are unable to be discussed -- the Voldemort of behaviors and body parts. OP would be doing herself and her child a big favor if she could become comfortable with sex and sexuality and be able to discuss it. If not, she may find that she becomes a grandmother in a few years -- among other things that could happen if the topics of sex and sexuality are taboo in her home.

 

[stealth2]

Sex and associated topics are difficult for many people to discuss, especially with their children. It can be hard to know what to say, when to say it, how to start the conversation. What's age appropriate. Many people feel that those types of discussions should be solely up to the same-gender parent. I suspect that OP may feel that way, so having stepMom be the one to have this type of discussion is even more jarring.

I certainly know - first hand - how difficult it can be to have some of those talks with a child of the opposite gender. But it's not impossible, nor does it have to be embarrassing. And honestly? It gets easier every time.

 

[cbg]

You want a personal experience? I'll give you a personal experience.

A distant relative (thankfully very distant) kept her daughter as ignorant as you evidently want to keep your son. She also kept her on a very short leash, overseeing every aspect of the girl's life. Other members of the family, including me, urged her to ease up and let the girl make some of her own decisions and to give her a few of the facts of life, but the mother was determined that she knew best and that by keeping her daughter ignorant she was protecting her.

The daughter, now 22 or 23, is in jail and has two illegitimate children. She had no idea how to make proper decisions or how to control her basic biological urges because her mother had not given her any information about it. She was also so frustrated at her mother's over-protectiveness that she left home at 18 with no more life skills than an eight year old.

Doesn't your son deserve better than that?

 

[anearthw]

My son is 3. He thought his 3 month old baby brother came from my belly button and that he should eat cheerios. He has since been corrected and knows that babies come from mommy's belly (vagina being appropriate term for much older child like yours) and that brother drinks milk from mommy's boobies (as he can see this in the living room!).

If your son is old enough to ask these questions, it means his is confused about some realities in life and needs clarification, seems simple enough. When stepmother is going to struggle to sit down or walk after the birth and is breastfeeding in the room, it only makes sense that he understands why those things are going on.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Yes I did. Except I used actual terms. Mommy and daddy have a baby. The baby is born by coming out of mommy's vagina. Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.

My children have always been taught the PROPER names for their body parts. You need to grow up and deal with reality. You do realize that your son has already masturbated, correct? If he is a normal child, he has masturbated several times.

Please....Please..... Someone tell me what movie that was where the little boy told the stranger that "Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina". I was laughing and trying to remember.

 

[Ohiogal]

Please....Please..... Someone tell me what movie that was where the little boy told the stranger that "Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina". I was laughing and trying to remember.

Kindergarten Cop. Arnold was trying to find out who the mobster's child was and was inquiring about what the children's parents did. This little boy's dad was a gynecologist and he was sharing with the class what he had learned from daddy's job.

 

[Just Blue]

Please....Please..... Someone tell me what movie that was where the little boy told the stranger that "Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina". I was laughing and trying to remember.

Kindergarten Cop.
I should read all posts before responding.

And OP? BOTH my children were aware of how a child was conceived and born by 8.