My ex's parents insist on staying over

[eerelations]

...served raw and throbbing?

My mental oyster sure is on Monday mornings!

 

[tuffbrk]

I lived with it for three years. It is not easy when the stbx is pulling nonsense day in and day out in the hopes of pushing enough buttons to start an argument and get you tossed via an order of protection.The joy their family members and friends take in attempting to intimidate you and put you down with the plan to act as witnesses for when the police arrive is no joy either. I coped, especially during their parties, by doing the following:

1) I had already secured a room that was MINE upon filing for divorce. Had hasp lock on outside and inside the door. I'd lock whichever one based upon my location. I kept a voice activated tape recorder in my room to monitor activity while I was away from home.
2) All food items purchased by me were kept in my room, locked, including coffee, filters, tea, sugars, etc.
3) If a party was occurring, all toilet paper was removed and returned to my room.
4) All cold items, including milk and cheeses, were removed and returned to my room.
5) Garbage cans with liners were emptied.
6) Remote control devices were removed and returned to my room.

If it was his friends, I would leave the home, return at 9:55 PM and kept a hand held recorder in my hand, chin level for all to see as I made my way to my room and would not speak to anyone. At 10:00 PM I would promptly call in a complaint to the police about the level of noise, if applicable.

After a few times, it ensured that parties ended approximately 10:30 PM. Considering I had to get up for work and the kids had to get up for school in the morning, it was the only way to end the nonsense at a reasonable hour.

More difficult was when his mommy would come over, and he'd be screaming like a banshee, and she would just stand there. I only kept up the cleaning on the children's and my room and the kids upstairs bathroom. The main floor bathroom, kitchen, living room, enclosed porch, etc. he purposely cluttered up and had crap everywhere. Despite the pictures submitted, the judge said there was nothing that she could do about it. So I ceased cleaning. Eventually his family stopped coming over and it was just his friends.

It's a horrible, stressful way to live when someone takes away your "comfort" zone and purposely goes out of their way to attempt to instigate arguments and drive you nuts. It is unfortunate that the laws do not insist on separate households while going through a divorce. No one should have to live their life without some small space that they can control in order to derive some type of comfort while going through such a horrible process.

Good luck.

 

[single317dad]

I kept a voice activated tape recorder in my room to monitor activity while I was away from home.

It seems silly, but depending on what gets recorded that may get you in trouble.

 

[tuffbrk]

I'm NJ - single party state - it's allowed and admissible as long as you're a party to any conversation. So if he started, I had him on tape. If he started talking about me to another person in the room, it wasn't admissible and had to be deleted. It is easier to ignore someone when they are shouting about you as opposed to at you...

I still start to shake and get hives on my arms when my son is with him, calls me and he starts arguing with our son in the background. That's 5 years later. If you didn't live with a loony going through your divorce, count your blessings. The blessings that I count include no longer having to deal with him. I dread when they get married one day.

 

[Bali Hai]

I lived with it for three years. It is not easy when the stbx is pulling nonsense day in and day out in the hopes of pushing enough buttons to start an argument and get you tossed via an order of protection.The joy their family members and friends take in attempting to intimidate you and put you down with the plan to act as witnesses for when the police arrive is no joy either. I coped, especially during their parties, by doing the following:

1) I had already secured a room that was MINE upon filing for divorce. Had hasp lock on outside and inside the door. I'd lock whichever one based upon my location. I kept a voice activated tape recorder in my room to monitor activity while I was away from home.
2) All food items purchased by me were kept in my room, locked, including coffee, filters, tea, sugars, etc.
3) If a party was occurring, all toilet paper was removed and returned to my room.
4) All cold items, including milk and cheeses, were removed and returned to my room.
5) Garbage cans with liners were emptied.
6) Remote control devices were removed and returned to my room.

If it was his friends, I would leave the home, return at 9:55 PM and kept a hand held recorder in my hand, chin level for all to see as I made my way to my room and would not speak to anyone. At 10:00 PM I would promptly call in a complaint to the police about the level of noise, if applicable.

After a few times, it ensured that parties ended approximately 10:30 PM. Considering I had to get up for work and the kids had to get up for school in the morning, it was the only way to end the nonsense at a reasonable hour.

More difficult was when his mommy would come over, and he'd be screaming like a banshee, and she would just stand there. I only kept up the cleaning on the children's and my room and the kids upstairs bathroom. The main floor bathroom, kitchen, living room, enclosed porch, etc. he purposely cluttered up and had crap everywhere. Despite the pictures submitted, the judge said there was nothing that she could do about it. So I ceased cleaning. Eventually his family stopped coming over and it was just his friends.

It's a horrible, stressful way to live when someone takes away your "comfort" zone and purposely goes out of their way to attempt to instigate arguments and drive you nuts. It is unfortunate that the laws do not insist on separate households while going through a divorce. No one should have to live their life without some small space that they can control in order to derive some type of comfort while going through such a horrible process.

Good luck.

Right on tuffbrk.

I believe OP and the intent of the wife and inlaws in this case is to do what you describe above. To fuel the already lit fire in hopes it can be used against OP. Something some people here either fail to realize or perhaps condone. Are THEY thinking about the children?

 

[single317dad]

I'm NJ - single party state - it's allowed and admissible as long as you're a party to any conversation. So if he started, I had him on tape. If he started talking about me to another person in the room, it wasn't admissible and had to be deleted. It is easier to ignore someone when they are shouting about you as opposed to at you...

I still start to shake and get hives on my arms when my son is with him, calls me and he starts arguing with our son in the background. That's 5 years later. If you didn't live with a loony going through your divorce, count your blessings. The blessings that I count include no longer having to deal with him. I dread when they get married one day.

Oh I certainly lived with a loony, as I imagine many of us here on the forum did. Just have to make sure that we don't misguide someone into doing something illegal that will actually hurt their case. If you were to record a conversation between two non-consenting parties that would be a violation of federal law, as well as any state that I'm aware of. I recorded (and still do) all conversations with my ex, because I consent to those recordings. Just make sure they're not across state lines in a two-party state when you talk to them (for example, my ex lives close to the Illinois border, so it would be illegal for me to record a conversation without her consent if she were across that particular state line).

 

[Bali Hai]

Haha, you're right on passing gas. Not a factor. However, the other advice indicates a severe neglect of personal hygiene which is often a sign of depression or other mental instability, and could be considered a factor.

I'm sure it could be a factor if the judge were a psychiatrist. I'm not suggesting however that he show up to court in that condition.

Sorry to confuse you, Bali. I intended the second paragraph for the OP. I should have prefaced it to signal that.

Sorry, too, about the friends and family situation.

Don't be sorry, I'm not.

 

[Bulldog1]

Tuffbrk, you are spot on. This is exactly what i am going through. The only reason I have not evicted my ex is bc she will take our daughter with her. In the meanwhile she goes out of her way to rack up my utilities and told me straight that she's doing it on purpose. Last night I came home from work and her mother was already there. I didnt utter a word to either of them. I greeted my daughter. They were hoarding over her like bodyguards. The moment i began being playful with my daughter the verbal attacks began. This went on and on meanwhile i still have not said a word to them. When i could not take anymore i told them to stop harrassing me and be civil considering we have court in 2 days. They kept going on trying to rev me up so i would snap. I walked away and called 911. The police arrived and diffused the situation. As other forum members have stated the police can not kick them out, they are correct. I ended up filing a complaint and stayed over my parents home for the night. Ive been patient dealing with her antics long enough. So i will be filing for an order of protection against her soon

 

[sandyclaus]

It's amazing what we do in the name of pride.

While both spouses have every right to remain in the home until the divorce determines the fate of their residential futures, that doesn't mean they SHOULD both stay there. There comes a point where the broken-down relationship makes it near-impossible to interact on a daily basis, especially when the two are still sharing close quarters in a living situation like that. And when one or the other decides to "up the ante" and make a concerted effort to make the living environment so uncomfortable in an effort to motivate the other into leaving, that just gets ridiculous. It's childish, immature, and petty.

These two need to realize that until a court makes that decision as to who stays and who goes from the marital home, they BOTH need to just make the effort to get along. If they are that damn miserable, then for their own sanity and mental health, they should just LEAVE. Someone needs to be the bigger person and grow up here. And if neither one wants to, and they continue to nitpick and create conflict for each other? Then as far as I'm concerned, they BOTH deserve to live in the toxic environment they've created and fostered - and neither one has any right to complain about it.

There. It's high time SOMEONE said it. Let's all grow up. This isn't high school anymore.

 

[Bali Hai]

It's amazing what we do in the name of pride.

While both spouses have every right to remain in the home until the divorce determines the fate of their residential futures, that doesn't mean they SHOULD both stay there. There comes a point where the broken-down relationship makes it near-impossible to interact on a daily basis, especially when the two are still sharing close quarters in a living situation like that. And when one or the other decides to "up the ante" and make a concerted effort to make the living environment so uncomfortable in an effort to motivate the other into leaving, that just gets ridiculous. It's childish, immature, and petty.

These two need to realize that until a court makes that decision as to who stays and who goes from the marital home, they BOTH need to just make the effort to get along. If they are that damn miserable, then for their own sanity and mental health, they should just LEAVE. Someone needs to be the bigger person and grow up here. And if neither one wants to, and they continue to nitpick and create conflict for each other? Then as far as I'm concerned, they BOTH deserve to live in the toxic environment they've created and fostered - and neither one has any right to complain about it.

There. It's high time SOMEONE said it. Let's all grow up. This isn't high school anymore.

Well said, I think the wife should grow up and move out. It's going to happen eventually anyway.

 

[single317dad]

It's amazing what we do in the name of pride.

While both spouses have every right to remain in the home until the divorce determines the fate of their residential futures, that doesn't mean they SHOULD both stay there. There comes a point where the broken-down relationship makes it near-impossible to interact on a daily basis, especially when the two are still sharing close quarters in a living situation like that. And when one or the other decides to "up the ante" and make a concerted effort to make the living environment so uncomfortable in an effort to motivate the other into leaving, that just gets ridiculous. It's childish, immature, and petty.

These two need to realize that until a court makes that decision as to who stays and who goes from the marital home, they BOTH need to just make the effort to get along. If they are that damn miserable, then for their own sanity and mental health, they should just LEAVE. Someone needs to be the bigger person and grow up here. And if neither one wants to, and they continue to nitpick and create conflict for each other? Then as far as I'm concerned, they BOTH deserve to live in the toxic environment they've created and fostered - and neither one has any right to complain about it.

There. It's high time SOMEONE said it. Let's all grow up. This isn't high school anymore.

While all that is true, there's the additional consideration that so many couples think will never happen: this will likely turn into a DV situation sooner or later. Rightly or wrongly, it will only take one flare-up to get the police involved, and then the decision to move out will be made on the state's terms.

 

[sandyclaus]

Well said, I think the wife should grow up and move out. It's going to happen eventually anyway.

Since there are kids involved, and this is THEIR home as well, there is absolutely NO guarantee that the wife is going to be made to move. In fact, there is every chance that HE will be told to move, especially if the mother remains the residential parent.

And even if the wife is being the PITA, the husband needs to do some growing up on his own and realize that feeding into the chaos isn't going to make the problem any better. He should show more maturity and leave BEFORE something happens. Which brings us to the next comment:

While all that is true, there's the additional consideration that so many couples think will never happen: this will likely turn into a DV situation sooner or later. Rightly or wrongly, it will only take one flare-up to get the police involved, and then the decision to move out will be made on the state's terms.

Which only emphasizes the suggestion that the husband should be the bigger person and move out before the trouble REALLY starts.

As they say, pride goeth before the fall. If he keeps this up, his pride may well get him arrested - and who gets to live in the house THEN?

 

[Bulldog1]

Since there are kids involved, and this is THEIR home as well, there is absolutely NO guarantee that the wife is going to be made to move. In fact, there is every chance that HE will be told to move, especially if the mother remains the residential parent.

My ex wants to move. She will not move until a custody order is in place. I too am a residential parent. Although I work full time, I spend time with my daughter every day when I am home, which is what I tried doing last night until I was harassed by the stbx and her mother.

And even if the wife is being the PITA, the husband needs to do some growing up on his own and realize that feeding into the chaos isn't going to make the problem any better. He should show more maturity and leave BEFORE something happens. Which brings us to the next comment:

Ignoring the stbx and her mother while trying to play with my daughter has nothing to due with me feeding into the chaos. I will not abandon my child therefore I will not move unless she comes with me. I've been civil with stbx. She's the one who cannot act maturely



Which only emphasizes the suggestion that the husband should be the bigger person and move out before the trouble REALLY starts.

As they say, pride goeth before the fall. If he keeps this up, his pride may well get him arrested - and who gets to live in the house THEN?

I've been bullied by stbx enough to know how to control my emotions. This is why I called police.

 

[Bali Hai]

Since there are kids involved, and this is THEIR home as well, there is absolutely NO guarantee that the wife is going to be made to move. In fact, there is every chance that HE will be told to move, especially if the mother remains the residential parent.

And even if the wife is being the PITA, the husband needs to do some growing up on his own and realize that feeding into the chaos isn't going to make the problem any better. He should show more maturity and leave BEFORE something happens. Which brings us to the next comment:



Which only emphasizes the suggestion that the husband should be the bigger person and move out before the trouble REALLY starts.

As they say, pride goeth before the fall. If he keeps this up, his pride may well get him arrested - and who gets to live in the house THEN?

I believe that's what the whole thing is about, there is a custody battle. If I were OP, the person voluntarily leaving would not be me no matter how much the wife and inlaws tried to bully me.

You are both trying to paint OP as the instigator when you know very well it's the wife and inlaws that should show some maturity and diffuse the situation by quitely disappearing.

 

[Silverplum]

I believe that's what the whole thing is about, there is a custody battle. If I were OP, the person voluntarily leaving would not be me no matter how much the wife and inlaws tried to bully me.

You are both trying to paint OP as the instigator when you know very well it's the wife and inlaws that should show some maturity and diffuse the situation by quitely disappearing.

Way too many people -- here, and of course nationwide in courts and "society" -- automatically assume custody should be given to the mother.