Restraining Order - Temp or Perm?

[Just Blue]

Please don't assume things. I walked away b/c he was beginning to calm down and I was not going to continue to argue with him and keep him upset. This "walking away" was after I sat on the kitchen floor for over a hour and let him rant. I was trying to calm him down. He wasn't chasing after me intent on doing anything else so I was trying my best to defuse the situation and finally the time came for me to start getting ready for work. I even specifically asked him if I could go take a shower or would it make him madder if I left to go do that? When I got out of the shower is when he walked in to say that he would try to be gone before I got home. I'm not holding this over his head as a way to make him get out of the house and I'm sorry if it came off that way. And I'm not manipulating facts, anything I have said is what happened. Maybe not second by second, but this was a 1 1/2 hr ordeal before I went to take my shower.

If something like this were to happen again (since it's never happened before) I wasn't sure if I should get it documented but I didn't necessarily want to get him in trouble....but I don't know how to document it without that happening. That's why I came here. If my thoughts are all over the place, I'm sorry...I'm a little upset today. I did not expect to wake up at 4:30 and walk into this situation within 5 minutes of getting up.

Please understand. Regardless of how some may have taken it: I'm not trying to use this for any gain on my part. I just wanted to be protected in the off chance that this continues. It's never happened before and especially now that he's talking about leaving (which I am in complete agreement with) I'm worried that he may be pushed to that edge again. He's always had a temper but it's never caused anything of this sort. It's been contained to yelling and holes in the wall prior to this.

As someone else mentioned, if I have to pay support then so be it but that's not what this was about. If I have to wait for court to run its course and judge to rule before he leaves then that's fine too, as long as he can be civil to me. When he's mad, it doesn't matter if I avoid him or interact with him - it all makes him mad. Again, I apologize if it came off any other way. I've had a bad day, to say the least, and I'm frazzled. I was only wanting to know what I should have or should do since the incident did occur and there were threats made after I was hurt (which I mentioned in the first post).

I don't know what else to say (and to be honest I think I'm rambling at this point) but I promise that I'm not "out to get him" or looking to "manipulate facts". I had a question and now that I have calmed down I have already said that I'm going to refrain from pursuing anything UNLESS he gets to that point again or continues the threats.

Until you decide to pursue this, perhaps the child could live with their father.

 

[MomGT123]

I have actually considered that if he is still there at the end of the week. Their dad only lives 7 miles away so I would still get to see them daily if I could coordinate with my friend to go to her house for a little bit. I grew up around constant fighting and with how intense its been the past few days, I would prefer them to not have to be around it. I'll take it day by day and hopefully we can both at least be cordial with each other.

 

[Just Blue]

I have actually considered that if he is still there at the end of the week. Their dad only lives 7 miles away so I would still get to see them daily if I could coordinate with my friend to go to her house for a little bit. I grew up around constant fighting and with how intense its been the past few days, I would prefer them to not have to be around it. I'll take it day by day and hopefully we can both at least be cordial with each other.

 

[MomGT123]

So it's better to have them come spend their weeks with me where our fighting has increased quite a bit over the past few days or have them stay at their dad's and not make an effort to see them? Their dad, my best friend and I all live very close to one another. They are constantly asking to go to her house and that is a much better alternative to not seeing them or bringing them into the negative environment that is going on at my house right now. I'm not talking about forever, I'm talking about until he either leaves or we work this out with the court....or if we're able to somehow come to a calm understanding in the next few days then it may not be an issue at all for the kids to spend their 50% with me. And no, I'm not saying that I would actually do that every single day. I only meant that I could pick them up any day I wished (with prior notice so Dad can plan his evenings) and have dinner at my friend's house. Yes, they're still going to know something is up but that's better than being within earshot of the name calling, threats, etc. I've been through that and don't want that for them.

I'm just going to stop. I have a feeling I'm not coming across the way I'm meaning to and not explaining things perfectly.

 

[Zigner]

So it's better to have them come spend their weeks with me where our fighting has increased quite a bit over the past few days or have them stay at their dad's and not make an effort to see them? Their dad, my best friend and I all live very close to one another. They are constantly asking to go to her house and that is a much better alternative to not seeing them or bringing them into the negative environment that is going on at my house right now. I'm not talking about forever, I'm talking about until he either leaves or we work this out with the court....or if we're able to somehow come to a calm understanding in the next few days then it may not be an issue at all for the kids to spend their 50% with me. And no, I'm not saying that I would actually do that every single day. I only meant that I could pick them up any day I wished (with prior notice so Dad can plan his evenings) and have dinner at my friend's house. Yes, they're still going to know something is up but that's better than being within earshot of the name calling, threats, etc. I've been through that and don't want that for them.

I'm just going to stop. I have a feeling I'm not coming across the way I'm meaning to and not explaining things perfectly.

You are putting your abusive husband ahead of your children. They know it, we know it...and I suspect that you know it.

 

[MomGT123]

You are putting your abusive husband ahead of your children. They know it, we know it...and I suspect that you know it.

I have to ask...how? I am talking about how to keep them away from the two of us fighting until he either 1) leaves on his own or 2) a judge orders him out of the house. I have the divorce packet right here to bring home tonight and I'm filing with or without his agreement tomorrow morning. I'm hoping we can come to an agreement but if not, I will file contested and request temporary orders. While it's not a guarantee, I'm hoping that I would be allowed use of the house b/c of the kids (50/50 physical custody with their dad) and he is not able to afford the upkeep (even with spousal support).

I can't kick him out and I have nowhere else to live until one of those two things happen. What are my other alternatives? (I'm not being sarcastic, I'm seriously asking)

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

As you said... You are losing your mental stability. Declare a cease fire with hubby for a few days, get your perspective back.

 

[MomGT123]

As you said... You are losing your mental stability. Declare a cease fire with hubby for a few days, get your perspective back.

I have tried. I am not exagerrating when I say that if I try to avoid him, he gets mad - act like nothing is wrong, he gets mad - talk with him about it, he gets mad. He's just constantly angry and I do my best to keep it at a containable level but I don't always know what's going to set him off (it has seriously been something as simple as going to the restroom before I put up groceries). I am all ears if someone has a viable alternative until I can get out of this situation (which I am already working on). Unfortunately, I can't snap my fingers and make it go away but I don't want to drag my kids into the middle of it if it can be avoided. I know I said I was done, but I DO want to hear other options that I may have that cover 1) the hostile environment 2) keeping my kids out of it 3) letting the divorce process run its course......

The last thing I want to do is put them last, I thought I was doing the opposite by keeping them out of the house until he is gone.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

He is likely feeling like a desperate failure, with no where to turn. Breakups can be tough, just as relationships can. I wish you both a peaceful resolution.

 

[MomGT123]

*Update* (TX) I have filed a divorce petition and had it officially served on my husband. He left the house this past weekend and stayed with a friend for the night with no plans to return. In the meantime, I filed an application for a protection order (due to the incident stated here earlier, another that occurred about 1 1/2 months ago and another this past weekend - all involved pushing/shoving/forcibly restraining on bed or floor/threatening statements to my life and family), the divorce petition as stated and since I was too afraid to call the police at the time the incidents occurred (he would normally just go and pass out for the night and rest of the next day and in the heat of the moment he would inflict injuries on himself to blame on me and threaten my life) I filed a sworn statement of fact with our local PD so that it is on file if he returns to the house and either 1) wants to stay, which I know he does legally have the right or 2) is confrontational.

I know that there were several mistakes on my part in not acting on these behaviors sooner. What is done is done and I am doing what I can to remedy the situation now. When he left, I booked a hotel room for him so that he would not be out on the streets. I found somewhere for a two week period but the hotel was not up to his standards so he chose another one at the same cost for one week ($520). I have also gone up there and paid additional charges ($230) that he owed on the room so that he would be allowed back in where his belongings were (I told him yesterday that it would not happen again so if he wanted to charge things to the room he should be sure to take his belongings with him each time he left). I also gave him a credit card ($300) that he used immediately to book a premium level rental vehicle rather than using it to rent an economy car and have money for food, necessities, etc. I am still, and will continue to do so until the divorce is final, carrying health and auto insurance on him as well as keeping his phone connected.

Note that the protective order has not yet been approved, it is only an application at this time. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that I have certain legal responsibilities to my husband (or at least believe I do). Is there anything that I am not doing that I should be or vice versa? He has not requested any additional money from me but what should I do legally if he does? We do not have any joint bank accounts or credit cards. He has also not asked to return to the house and I know that's a stickier situation. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I have to let him come back unless there is an active protection order, he is acting in a threatening manner, or a judge has granted temporary orders giving me sole access to the marital home. As mentioned, is there anything else that I should be doing or that I should not be?

I know there were previous comments regarding alimony/support, etc. I am not concerned with that at this time. We were not married 10 years, he is not disabled and if there is some other reason that a judge sees fit to order alimony then so be it. I know that it can change in a heartbeat but at this time he is claiming that he doesn't want anything more than his personal belongings.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Ladyback1]

*Update* (TX) I have filed a divorce petition and had it officially served on my husband. He left the house this past weekend and stayed with a friend for the night with no plans to return. In the meantime, I filed an application for a protection order (due to the incident stated here earlier, another that occurred about 1 1/2 months ago and another this past weekend - all involved pushing/shoving/forcibly restraining on bed or floor/threatening statements to my life and family), the divorce petition as stated and since I was too afraid to call the police at the time the incidents occurred (he would normally just go and pass out for the night and rest of the next day and in the heat of the moment he would inflict injuries on himself to blame on me and threaten my life) I filed a sworn statement of fact with our local PD so that it is on file if he returns to the house and either 1) wants to stay, which I know he does legally have the right or 2) is confrontational.

I know that there were several mistakes on my part in not acting on these behaviors sooner. What is done is done and I am doing what I can to remedy the situation now. When he left, I booked a hotel room for him so that he would not be out on the streets. I found somewhere for a two week period but the hotel was not up to his standards so he chose another one at the same cost for one week ($520). I have also gone up there and paid additional charges ($230) that he owed on the room so that he would be allowed back in where his belongings were (I told him yesterday that it would not happen again so if he wanted to charge things to the room he should be sure to take his belongings with him each time he left). I also gave him a credit card ($300) that he used immediately to book a premium level rental vehicle rather than using it to rent an economy car and have money for food, necessities, etc. I am still, and will continue to do so until the divorce is final, carrying health and auto insurance on him as well as keeping his phone connected.

Note that the protective order has not yet been approved, it is only an application at this time. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that I have certain legal responsibilities to my husband (or at least believe I do). Is there anything that I am not doing that I should be or vice versa? He has not requested any additional money from me but what should I do legally if he does? We do not have any joint bank accounts or credit cards. He has also not asked to return to the house and I know that's a stickier situation. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I have to let him come back unless there is an active protection order, he is acting in a threatening manner, or a judge has granted temporary orders giving me sole access to the marital home. As mentioned, is there anything else that I should be doing or that I should not be?

I know there were previous comments regarding alimony/support, etc. I am not concerned with that at this time. We were not married 10 years, he is not disabled and if there is some other reason that a judge sees fit to order alimony then so be it. I know that it can change in a heartbeat but at this time he is claiming that he doesn't want anything more than his personal belongings.

Thank you for your time.

I have to say...you are a kinder, gentler soul than I.

I would not be footing his bill.

 

[MomGT123]

I have to say...you are a kinder, gentler soul than I.

I would not be footing his bill.

Well, I wasn't sure what exactly was required of me as far as providing basic necessities during this. And I paid the extra charges at the hotel because he was just going to leave but I needed him to stay there because the process server was going to be there that morning and once he left....I would have no way of knowing where he was (and he was served so I don't have to worry about that part). However, unless I am legally responsible for providing something as far as basic necessities go even though he has left the marital home, I am done. I've spent enough between the hotel, credit card, divorce filing, process server, extra hotel charges, etc. Although I may complain about all of that adding up, it will be worth it in the end when I am legally free from this man. Just want to ensure that I won't be slammed in court for not doing enough if he comes to me and says he has no where to stay, no food, etc. I'm worried that if he comes back to the house, I have to let him in unless he is actively acting in an aggressive manner. I don't think he will but that thought is always in the back of my mind.

 

[Just Blue]

*Update* (TX) I have filed a divorce petition and had it officially served on my husband. He left the house this past weekend and stayed with a friend for the night with no plans to return. In the meantime, I filed an application for a protection order (due to the incident stated here earlier, another that occurred about 1 1/2 months ago and another this past weekend - all involved pushing/shoving/forcibly restraining on bed or floor/threatening statements to my life and family), the divorce petition as stated and since I was too afraid to call the police at the time the incidents occurred (he would normally just go and pass out for the night and rest of the next day and in the heat of the moment he would inflict injuries on himself to blame on me and threaten my life) I filed a sworn statement of fact with our local PD so that it is on file if he returns to the house and either 1) wants to stay, which I know he does legally have the right or 2) is confrontational.

I know that there were several mistakes on my part in not acting on these behaviors sooner. What is done is done and I am doing what I can to remedy the situation now. When he left, I booked a hotel room for him so that he would not be out on the streets. I found somewhere for a two week period but the hotel was not up to his standards so he chose another one at the same cost for one week ($520). I have also gone up there and paid additional charges ($230) that he owed on the room so that he would be allowed back in where his belongings were (I told him yesterday that it would not happen again so if he wanted to charge things to the room he should be sure to take his belongings with him each time he left). I also gave him a credit card ($300) that he used immediately to book a premium level rental vehicle rather than using it to rent an economy car and have money for food, necessities, etc. I am still, and will continue to do so until the divorce is final, carrying health and auto insurance on him as well as keeping his phone connected.

Note that the protective order has not yet been approved, it is only an application at this time. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that I have certain legal responsibilities to my husband (or at least believe I do). Is there anything that I am not doing that I should be or vice versa? He has not requested any additional money from me but what should I do legally if he does? We do not have any joint bank accounts or credit cards. He has also not asked to return to the house and I know that's a stickier situation. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I have to let him come back unless there is an active protection order, he is acting in a threatening manner, or a judge has granted temporary orders giving me sole access to the marital home. As mentioned, is there anything else that I should be doing or that I should not be?

I know there were previous comments regarding alimony/support, etc. I am not concerned with that at this time. We were not married 10 years, he is not disabled and if there is some other reason that a judge sees fit to order alimony then so be it. I know that it can change in a heartbeat but at this time he is claiming that he doesn't want anything more than his personal belongings.

Thank you for your time.

I don't trust what you state. Considering your other postings...nah.

 

[Ohiogal]

*Update* (TX) I have filed a divorce petition and had it officially served on my husband. He left the house this past weekend and stayed with a friend for the night with no plans to return. In the meantime, I filed an application for a protection order (due to the incident stated here earlier, another that occurred about 1 1/2 months ago and another this past weekend - all involved pushing/shoving/forcibly restraining on bed or floor/threatening statements to my life and family), the divorce petition as stated and since I was too afraid to call the police at the time the incidents occurred (he would normally just go and pass out for the night and rest of the next day and in the heat of the moment he would inflict injuries on himself to blame on me and threaten my life) I filed a sworn statement of fact with our local PD so that it is on file if he returns to the house and either 1) wants to stay, which I know he does legally have the right or 2) is confrontational.

I know that there were several mistakes on my part in not acting on these behaviors sooner. What is done is done and I am doing what I can to remedy the situation now. When he left, I booked a hotel room for him so that he would not be out on the streets. I found somewhere for a two week period but the hotel was not up to his standards so he chose another one at the same cost for one week ($520). I have also gone up there and paid additional charges ($230) that he owed on the room so that he would be allowed back in where his belongings were (I told him yesterday that it would not happen again so if he wanted to charge things to the room he should be sure to take his belongings with him each time he left). I also gave him a credit card ($300) that he used immediately to book a premium level rental vehicle rather than using it to rent an economy car and have money for food, necessities, etc. I am still, and will continue to do so until the divorce is final, carrying health and auto insurance on him as well as keeping his phone connected.

Note that the protective order has not yet been approved, it is only an application at this time. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that I have certain legal responsibilities to my husband (or at least believe I do). Is there anything that I am not doing that I should be or vice versa? He has not requested any additional money from me but what should I do legally if he does? We do not have any joint bank accounts or credit cards. He has also not asked to return to the house and I know that's a stickier situation. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I have to let him come back unless there is an active protection order, he is acting in a threatening manner, or a judge has granted temporary orders giving me sole access to the marital home. As mentioned, is there anything else that I should be doing or that I should not be?

I know there were previous comments regarding alimony/support, etc. I am not concerned with that at this time. We were not married 10 years, he is not disabled and if there is some other reason that a judge sees fit to order alimony then so be it. I know that it can change in a heartbeat but at this time he is claiming that he doesn't want anything more than his personal belongings.

Thank you for your time.

So when did you file the protective order with the court? Did you have a hearing immediately? When is the hearing date set for the protective order?

 

[MomGT123]

So when did you file the protective order with the court? Did you have a hearing immediately? When is the hearing date set for the protective order?

I turned it into the DA's office in the county courthouse on Tuesday and they said that I have to wait for someone from the DA's office to call me regarding whether or not they are going to set a hearing. Since it did not stem from an official documented case of violence it would not be granted an immediate hearing.

I'm sorry that you have doubts, Blue Meanie. Simply because I was upset and emotional last time I was here doesn't make anything I said less true. I am currently setting the alarm when I get home from work and that is all I can do at this time. I mainly wanted to ensure that I was doing what I was supposed to as far as providing for him as required since we are married.