How to restrict access of ncp's girlfriend around daughter.

[stealth2]

I can't help but think this is a very young granny. Would 'splain a lot.

 

[ohiograndma]

I can't help but think this is a very young granny. Would 'splain a lot.

Yawn. Good night to you and the rest of your cyberclique.

 

[Proserpina]

Yawn. Good night to you and the rest of your cyberclique.

Night, granny!

 

[stealth2]

Night, granny!

Apparently not, since she's still viewing...

 

[anearthw]

Life would be much easier for your daughter if she simply accepted that her ex is allowed to parent his child as he sees fit. If she simply wanted a sperm donor, she could have gone to a sperm bank, but she chose a man who apparently is interested in being a father. Same goes for daughter- she can live her life too. Most of all, life would be much better for granddaughter. This child is only 2 and has the blessing of not knowing what is really going on yet, if they were smart about this, the child could grow up with separate yet peacefully co-existing parents, instead of dragging excessive control into it.

That's probably falling on deaf ears though because daughter isn't reading and I suspect the only information conveyed to her will be about how to restrict access. Here's the problem - if she wants to enforce a morality clause in her divorce and custody, well, she missed the first big step in that one.

 

[Just Blue]

overinvolvedgranny needs to stop posting to other threads.

 

[tigerpooh]

Whew, people like to keep resurrecting and stirring stuff huh?

Listen, I can tell you this-my mother has been invaluable in my life and in helping me with my children- I value her opinion and WELCOME her prescense and 'meddling' in my life. Of course this is up to a point. With my mom you kind of have to reign her in on ocassion As far as parents/family being involved in eachothers business...I find it acceptable to the point they help provide advice, guidance, wisdom, and often accountability. Even if it's researching internet, forums, books, etc. To be honest if family were more involved and held eachother accountable and to the table and 'got in their business' when they need help I think we would have a heck of a lot less divorce rate then we do. Our culture of independence and everybody to his own has had a huge impact on our society and family (lack of) life.

I think you have a great opportunity to 'turn' your daughter around to NOT become on of those mothers that have the golden uterus syndrome I personally having been raised in a different culture, do not agree with this culture that decry ANY involvement of family or even speaking (writing in this case) to anyone but the person themselves. They can make up the rules, fine. But the majority of normal people can look beyond you gathering advise as equal to a cardinal sin as it's being made out to be.

With that said, you really do need to guide your daughter here. She may now have the upper hand-simply because nothing is in writing-but it's a bad prescedent to set before a judge and agreement, you honestly do want cooperation and good-will between them. They sound young, posessive and still in the "If I can't have you nobody can" stage. BUT seeming to want to control eachothers companions/friends and parenting.

The truth is this, your daughter has absolutely no right to dictate who can/can't be around her child during HIS time. I doubt a judge would ever agree to a morality clause if they weren't previously married, kwim?
Even if she is primary (once an agreement is drawn up). If she continues to boss dad around, and be a control freak or try to run his show because she is 'mom'-then tell her to be prepared for her kid to lose dad entirely and explain to her kid why dad walked away. Because this can and will happen.
Time and time again this happens. Society demonizes the 'dad that abandoned his kids'-the reality is quite different. From seeing court cases, personal experience and reading and research, the fact is in majority of cases there IS something that drive the dads away when they had enough and can't hold their head up anymore, and it's the controlling moms who try to run everything there way because they have the uterus. It is very sad. Then the kid blames dad when he got fed up and walked away to live a semblance of a life with dignity and respect that he DOES get with the new 'evill' family.

People fail to realize how this starts, we tend to victimize and glorify single moms doing it all alone-well there's a reason most of the time-and your daughter by doing what she is, will quickly go down that road. MOMS should learn to respect that DAD is dad on his time, and mom (absent abuse) has absolutely no say so on how he runs his life/home/family/relationships. It's about respect and not control. Your daughters baby is not a posession, it is a child to BOTH parents, nobody is the owner to use the kid as a pawn or over the others head. You have a great chance here to teach your daughter the best way to handle a 'split-parent' home-if she does love her child more then she hates her ex? She has a chance of doing what is right by the baby. Hope this helps.

 

[Just Blue]

Whew, people like to keep resurrecting and stirring stuff huh?

Listen, I can tell you this-my mother has been invaluable in my life and in helping me with my children- I value her opinion and WELCOME her prescense and 'meddling' in my life. Of course this is up to a point. With my mom you kind of have to reign her in on ocassion As far as parents/family being involved in eachothers business...I find it acceptable to the point they help provide advice, guidance, wisdom, and often accountability. Even if it's researching internet, forums, books, etc. To be honest if family were more involved and held eachother accountable and to the table and 'got in their business' when they need help I think we would have a heck of a lot less divorce rate then we do. Our culture of independence and everybody to his own has had a huge impact on our society and family (lack of) life.

I think you have a great opportunity to 'turn' your daughter around to NOT become on of those mothers that have the golden uterus syndrome I personally having been raised in a different culture, do not agree with this culture that decry ANY involvement of family or even speaking (writing in this case) to anyone but the person themselves. They can make up the rules, fine. But the majority of normal people can look beyond you gathering advise as equal to a cardinal sin as it's being made out to be.

With that said, you really do need to guide your daughter here. She may now have the upper hand-simply because nothing is in writing-but it's a bad prescedent to set before a judge and agreement, you honestly do want cooperation and good-will between them. They sound young, posessive and still in the "If I can't have you nobody can" stage. BUT seeming to want to control eachothers companions/friends and parenting.

The truth is this, your daughter has absolutely no right to dictate who can/can't be around her child during HIS time. I doubt a judge would ever agree to a morality clause if they weren't previously married, kwim?
Even if she is primary (once an agreement is drawn up). If she continues to boss dad around, and be a control freak or try to run his show because she is 'mom'-then tell her to be prepared for her kid to lose dad entirely and explain to her kid why dad walked away. Because this can and will happen.
Time and time again this happens. Society demonizes the 'dad that abandoned his kids'-the reality is quite different. From seeing court cases, personal experience and reading and research, the fact is in majority of cases there IS something that drive the dads away when they had enough and can't hold their head up anymore, and it's the controlling moms who try to run everything there way because they have the uterus. It is very sad. Then the kid blames dad when he got fed up and walked away to live a semblance of a life with dignity and respect that he DOES get with the new 'evill' family.

People fail to realize how this starts, we tend to victimize and glorify single moms doing it all alone-well there's a reason most of the time-and your daughter by doing what she is, will quickly go down that road. MOMS should learn to respect that DAD is dad on his time, and mom (absent abuse) has absolutely no say so on how he runs his life/home/family/relationships. It's about respect and not control. Your daughters baby is not a posession, it is a child to BOTH parents, nobody is the owner to use the kid as a pawn or over the others head. You have a great chance here to teach your daughter the best way to handle a 'split-parent' home-if she does love her child more then she hates her ex? She has a chance of doing what is right by the baby. Hope this helps.

I will hold your one day old EXPERT advice to my heart. Really I will.

 

[tigerpooh]

I will hold your one day old EXPERT advice to my heart. Really I will.

OMG, what is it with this board? Seriously??? What drives you to attack new people, posters, (which may or may not be new) with such disdain and bitterness (for years). You honestly will say because I'm a 'new poster' on the board that my advice isn't actually quite solid? And the advice wasn't to YOU, it was to ohiograndma, you know, the other poster the experts are busy attacking. Just drop it please. My advice was to her not YOU-so skip along please.

I gave the SAME legal advice in there that the 'oldies' have done as far as what a judge may do..the rest is just life experience sprinkled with having been around some time around our current divorce culture-it's not any less valid simply because I'm a new poster here. It's like old dogs pissing on new pups because they are cranky and territorial and not very tolerant. You can disregard common sense, good advice and knowledge, but that just says more about you then us

Please don't pull the 'mods will kick you out' threat-if they want to, they have the right. I've visited this place for some time, as have others, and it seems you guys do this to ANYONE who isn't in your little 'circle'-how small minded and arrogant. Don't pick on me, I'll leave you old dogs alone

 

[ecmst12]

Except that it's NOT a grandma's job to guide her child's parenting. It's a grandma's job to spoil the grandchild rotten and SUPPORT her child, not guide. The guiding ends when the child grows up. This grandma is already too involved and needs to step back - WAY back. And everything else you said was indeed already said, several times and in several ways, on this thread. So what was the point of adding it?

 

[Just Blue]

OMG, what is it with this board? Seriously??? What drives you to attack new people, posters, (which may or may not be new) with such disdain and bitterness (for years). You honestly will say because I'm a 'new poster' on the board that my advice isn't actually quite solid? And the advice wasn't to YOU, it was to ohiograndma, you know, the other poster the experts are busy attacking. Just drop it please. My advice was to her not YOU-so skip along please.

I gave the SAME legal advice in there that the 'oldies' have done as far as what a judge may do..the rest is just life experience sprinkled with having been around some time around our current divorce culture-it's not any less valid simply because I'm a new poster here. It's like old dogs pissing on new pups because they are cranky and territorial and not very tolerant. You can disregard common sense, good advice and knowledge, but that just says more about you then us

Please don't pull the 'mods will kick you out' threat-if they want to, they have the right. I've visited this place for some time, as have others, and it seems you guys do this to ANYONE who isn't in your little 'circle'-how small minded and arrogant. Don't pick on me, I'll leave you old dogs alone

It is very sad that you and the "OTHERS" are too unable and blind to see LEGAL REALITY.

 

[tigerpooh]

Except that it's NOT a grandma's job to guide her child's parenting. It's a grandma's job to spoil the grandchild rotten and SUPPORT her child, not guide. The guiding ends when the child grows up. This grandma is already too involved and needs to step back - WAY back. And everything else you said was indeed already said, several times and in several ways, on this thread. So what was the point of adding it?

I disagree, and that's ok- IMO a parent never stops being a parent, they stop mandating, controlling, dictating, but guidance or advice never goes away. It's up the girl to take it or not. There's definately wisdom and life experience on parents that this young mom doesn't have, this young mom already seems to suffer the ills of most young entitled women today-that the child is a posession and what they say is golden. A mother can still guide and advise her young daughter how this entitlement and approach to life can come back to hurt her and her grandkid. I mean seriously, where do people get off saying just because she's over 18-a parents has ABSOLUTLEY NO RIGHT to ever give advice to their children. Unrealistic and unhealthy. Plenty of marriages and families have been saved by families staying close knit-advising-supporting-guiding and when necessary holding to the fire. This is common in almost every culture in the world people.

YES, she can't dictate, control, etc..trust me I know plenty of over-meddling controlling in-laws and grandparents, there is definately a delicate balance.

As to the point of adding my opinion, I'm sorry are you saying I have no right to post simply because 'it's been said'- are you the board police or is this a mod opinion? Seriously?

 

[ecmst12]

My point was merely that sometimes it's best to let threads die and not post if you don't have something truly essential to add. That point is usually somewhere before the thread gets to 5 pages of argumentativeness. Being that this one has already been a hot mess, and isn't likely to improve, it's much better to just let it fade away then start stirring it up again.

And I do recognize that you were not the first one to start stirring. But you still helped.

 

[trnoon]

Oh, but mom's not dating you can be sure.

She's 1000% focused on just being a good mom.

There really is a fine line between being helpful and being condescending around here isn't there?

 

[Zigner]

There really is a fine line between being helpful and being condescending around here isn't there?

Excellent addition - very helpful!