Credit for mortgage payments made by myself after wife left?

[sprocket454]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN

Hello, So about a year ago wife wife moved out. She never really said she was going to, she just did. She did tell me she wanted a divorce, but discussions of the separation never took place. First she lived with a friend, then she started renting a town home. She didn't tell me directly that she was going to rent a new place; I just started seeing a bunch of moving boxes, but she didn't tell me where or when she moving to. I only found out the date and where she was going very shortly before the move. At that time she had already been living with a friend for several months.

We have now been separated about a year. Both our names are on the mortgage; we are joint. I have paid 100% of the mortgage payments and utilities since she left. We never discussed this, she just left me on the hook for it all. I am current on the payments but I am also nearly broke. I have also been paying down or marital debt at about $500 per month. She hasn't paid anything on that either.

So the question is, does she have to reimburse me for her share of these things? Let's assume that our combined income breaks down 60% for myself and 40% for her.

For what it's worth she has been having an affair but will not tell me for how long. I know it has been at least six months but it could be for the entire time we were separated and is likely the reason she moved out.

Also, she is nearly broke too. I don't know where she would get the money to pay me.

Thanks for any help!

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN

Hello, So about a year ago wife wife moved out. She never really said she was going to, she just did. She did tell me she wanted a divorce, but discussions of the separation never took place. First she lived with a friend, then she started renting a town home. She didn't tell me directly that she was going to rent a new place; I just started seeing a bunch of moving boxes, but she didn't tell me where or when she moving to. I only found out the date and where she was going very shortly before the move. At that time she had already been living with a friend for several months.

We have now been separated about a year. Both our names are on the mortgage; we are joint. I have paid 100% of the mortgage payments and utilities since she left. We never discussed this, she just left me on the hook for it all. I am current on the payments but I am also nearly broke. I have also been paying down or marital debt at about $500 per month. She hasn't paid anything on that either.

So the question is, does she have to reimburse me for her share of these things? Let's assume that our combined income breaks down 60% for myself and 40% for her.

For what it's worth she has been having an affair but will not tell me for how long. I know it has been at least six months but it could be for the entire time we were separated and is likely the reason she moved out.

Also, she is nearly broke too. I don't know where she would get the money to pay me.

Thanks for any help!

Who owns the home? (Not who is on the mortgage - who is in the deed)

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN

Hello, So about a year ago wife wife moved out. She never really said she was going to, she just did. She did tell me she wanted a divorce, but discussions of the separation never took place. First she lived with a friend, then she started renting a town home. She didn't tell me directly that she was going to rent a new place; I just started seeing a bunch of moving boxes, but she didn't tell me where or when she moving to. I only found out the date and where she was going very shortly before the move. At that time she had already been living with a friend for several months.

We have now been separated about a year. Both our names are on the mortgage; we are joint. I have paid 100% of the mortgage payments and utilities since she left. We never discussed this, she just left me on the hook for it all. I am current on the payments but I am also nearly broke. I have also been paying down or marital debt at about $500 per month. She hasn't paid anything on that either.

So the question is, does she have to reimburse me for her share of these things? Let's assume that our combined income breaks down 60% for myself and 40% for her.

For what it's worth she has been having an affair but will not tell me for how long. I know it has been at least six months but it could be for the entire time we were separated and is likely the reason she moved out.

Also, she is nearly broke too. I don't know where she would get the money to pay me.

Thanks for any help!

In general whomever resides in the house is responsible for the mortgage and utilities, as they are the one that has the use of the home. The same generally applies to car payments as well. Whoever has use of the car is generally responsible for the payments.

Other marital debts are generally split. However, none of that is official until such time as a court orders it as part of a legal separation or divorce.

Should you end up selling the house as part of the divorce and there is any equity to split, then you could make the argument to the judge that you should be entitled to a greater share of the equity based on the fact that you have paid the mortgage by yourself during the separation. I cannot guarantee one way or another how the judge would rule on that.

 

[sprocket454]

We are both on the deed. Doesn't it matter that we had no agreement to separate or how things were to be paid once she left? I didn't ask to be left alone in the house. For example, what if the situation were reversed and I had walked out leaving her holding the bag? There is no conceivable way she could have kept up on the mortgage payments. Also, there is virtually no equity in the home. If anything, it has negative equity.

Will the affair come into play in the judges decision since that is what led to her walking out? Also the fact that she hid it from me? She even introduced my kids to him prior to telling me and only told me after a friend of mine saw them together.

This is her house as well as mine. As such doesn't she actually have use of it? She just chooses not to use it?

 

[Ohiogal]

We are both on the deed. Doesn't it matter that we had no agreement to separate or how things were to be paid once she left? I didn't ask to be left alone in the house. For example, what if the situation were reversed and I had walked out leaving her holding the bag? There is no conceivable way she could have kept up on the mortgage payments. Also, there is virtually no equity in the home. If anything, it has negative equity.

Will the affair come into play in the judges decision since that is what led to her walking out? Also the fact that she hid it from me? She even introduced my kids to him prior to telling me and only told me after a friend of mine saw them together.

This is her house as well as mine. As such doesn't she actually have use of it? She just chooses not to use it?

Why didn't you go to court when she first walked out and ask for court orders? If she couldn't keep up the mortgage payments the bank could come after you if you are on the mortgage. If you couldn't keep up the mortgage, the bank could go after her. You are each 100% responsible.

Where do the children live? I assume with you since they are just your kids. You are the one who has been living in it. You are the one who has been using it. The affair won't matter quite frankly when it comes to marital assets or debt being split. In whose name is the marital debt? Who told you to pay down the marital debt? Or is just because it is your credit that would be affected? Seriously, you have basically done nothing for a year and want to blame her? Why did you sleep on your rights?

 

[sprocket454]

Since she moved into her new place we have split custody of the kids. It's very close to 50/50.

I didn't go to court right away because she didn't simply walk out. First she left my bedroom, then she started staying the night at her friend's house which is right across the street. She still would come to the house after I left for work. She would make sure the kids got off to school (I know, that's a plus in her column) and still could just walk in whenever she wanted. She was gone almost all the time when I was home. As I stated earlier, I was unaware of her plan to rent a town home until shortly before it happened. I also was completely unaware of the affair, and yes I asked her if there was someone else. Her answer was always that she didn't want to be with anyone right now and just wanted to be on her own.

So I figured we could both be very adult about this and try to keep things simple and write up a plan for filing jointly. But then she introduced my kids to this guy and was doing activities with my kids and him without my knowledge. My kids were told not to tell me. The final straw was when I asked her if she could at least agree to not have sleep-overs with this guy when the kids were in her custody. She told me she hadn't done that yet but would not agree that she wouldn't. Because of all this I feel I have a right to pursue whatever I have a right to legally.

ALL THAT BEING SAID:

If it's going to be a battle, it's not worth it. The only one who will make money is lawyers that neither one of us can possibly pay except for may be one or two visits just for basic advice. I have not seen a lawyer yet. It is still my desire to file jointly if it all possible.

 

[Ladyback1]

It is still my desire to file jointly if it all possible.

This would be a mistake you could pay dearly for in the long run.
If you know that there is no hope to salvage the marriage, and realize your option is divorce; you SHOULD be consulting an attorney, and letting her find her own. You can still file amicably, but thinking the two of you are going to come to any sort of understanding and agreement without professional assistance is a fool's errand.

 

[LdiJ]

This would be a mistake you could pay dearly for in the long run.
If you know that there is no hope to salvage the marriage, and realize your option is divorce; you SHOULD be consulting an attorney, and letting her find her own. You can still file amicably, but thinking the two of you are going to come to any sort of understanding and agreement without professional assistance is a fool's errand.

While I don't disagree with you, there really are a lot of people that manage to pull off a fair and amicable divorce without attorneys. We just don't see them here because they don't need help or don't feel like they need help.

 

[single317dad]

While I don't disagree with you, there really are a lot of people that manage to pull off a fair and amicable divorce without attorneys. We just don't see them here because they don't need help or don't feel like they need help.

Agreed. I did it with my first wife. That one was very easy because we had no kids together and I gave her most of the assets and took on most of the liability, because I was the primary breadwinner. Having kids and/or disagreement over property division would have complicated things considerably.

 

[sprocket454]

This would be a mistake you could pay dearly for in the long run.
If you know that there is no hope to salvage the marriage, and realize your option is divorce; you SHOULD be consulting an attorney, and letting her find her own. You can still file amicably, but thinking the two of you are going to come to any sort of understanding and agreement without professional assistance is a fool's errand.

I actually wrote something up and called it a rough draft divorce agreement. I covered every possible thing I could think of and what we would agree to based on conversations my wife and I had had. I tried to do trade-offs to limit how much money would trade hands and I thought I was giving her a hell of a deal to walk away. I was agreeing to pay for most marital debt with the exception of her medical bills. I can't get into all the details here but there was give and take with me giving much more than her. I then downloaded about 65 pages of actual court papers to fill out and file and was ready to start filling that in.

Then I started getting really pissed about her attitude towards this affair! She absolutely thinks she is doing nothing wrong (because we are separated and all) and that the affair doesn't affect the kids negatively! Of course he is coming off as a nice guy to the kids now because it's all fresh and new, and then I come off looking like the bad guy for getting angry with her. She had some counseling a little while back. One of the things I recently asked her for was for ONCE, just ONCE, both of us meet with her counselor so I can state my feelings and also take my share of the blame for what happened in our marriage. I never cheated on her. Then I will have had my say, gotten some feedback from a 3rd party with both of us present and that will give me some closure. She said "forget it; it's not going to happen."

 

[Ohiogal]

I actually wrote something up and called it a rough draft divorce agreement. I covered every possible thing I could think of and what we would agree to based on conversations my wife and I had had. I tried to do trade-offs to limit how much money would trade hands and I thought I was giving her a hell of a deal to walk away. I was agreeing to pay for most marital debt with the exception of her medical bills. I can't get into all the details here but there was give and take with me giving much more than her. I then downloaded about 65 pages of actual court papers to fill out and file and was ready to start filling that in.

Then I started getting really pissed about her attitude towards this affair! She absolutely thinks she is doing nothing wrong (because we are separated and all) and that the affair doesn't affect the kids negatively! Of course he is coming off as a nice guy to the kids now because it's all fresh and new, and then I come off looking like the bad guy for getting angry with her. She had some counseling a little while back. One of the things I recently asked her for was for ONCE, just ONCE, both of us meet with her counselor so I can state my feelings and also take my share of the blame for what happened in our marriage. I never cheated on her. Then I will have had my say, gotten some feedback from a 3rd party with both of us present and that will give me some closure. She said "forget it; it's not going to happen."

I don't blame her on saying forget it. That is HER counselor. Get your own counselor.

 

[LdiJ]

I actually wrote something up and called it a rough draft divorce agreement. I covered every possible thing I could think of and what we would agree to based on conversations my wife and I had had. I tried to do trade-offs to limit how much money would trade hands and I thought I was giving her a hell of a deal to walk away. I was agreeing to pay for most marital debt with the exception of her medical bills. I can't get into all the details here but there was give and take with me giving much more than her. I then downloaded about 65 pages of actual court papers to fill out and file and was ready to start filling that in.

Then I started getting really pissed about her attitude towards this affair! She absolutely thinks she is doing nothing wrong (because we are separated and all) and that the affair doesn't affect the kids negatively! Of course he is coming off as a nice guy to the kids now because it's all fresh and new, and then I come off looking like the bad guy for getting angry with her. She had some counseling a little while back. One of the things I recently asked her for was for ONCE, just ONCE, both of us meet with her counselor so I can state my feelings and also take my share of the blame for what happened in our marriage. I never cheated on her. Then I will have had my say, gotten some feedback from a 3rd party with both of us present and that will give me some closure. She said "forget it; it's not going to happen."

I think that you are angry and hurt, and a bit jealous that your children are involved with the new man. I think that it is coloring your attitude towards the divorce, and I am not sure that is in your best interest at all.

 

[Ladyback1]

She had some counseling a little while back. One of the things I recently asked her for was for ONCE, just ONCE, both of us meet with her counselor so I can state my feelings and also take my share of the blame for what happened in our marriage. I never cheated on her. Then I will have had my say, gotten some feedback from a 3rd party with both of us present and that will give me some closure. She said "forget it; it's not going to happen."

When I finally got my backbone back, and made the decision to tell my now Ex it was over, I did contact his counselor (with his permission) and told her why I wanted to sit in on his next appt. See, he was violent (in the past), and he was so very good at playing like he wasn't at fault, that I *thought* doing it in a controlled environment was best..
I took all of 5 min at the beginning of the session, told him and then went out in the waiting room for him to "process" the information w/ the therapist.
After about 15 min, the therapist asked me back in and I was pretty much put on the spot, with both her and him trying to talk me out of my decisions. Heard all sorts of promises from them both, if I'd just work a little harder on making the marriage work. Tears and everything from him and the THERAPIST. I knew then that I had made a huge error of judgment. The therapist is an advocate for their patient. I was not the therapist's patient.

If you believe that marriage counseling or couples therapy would be beneficial find a therapist that will treat BOTH of you. You do not want to be ganged up on at her therapist's office/appointment. I promise!

 

[not2cleverRed]

I actually wrote something up and called it a rough draft divorce agreement. I covered every possible thing I could think of and what we would agree to based on conversations my wife and I had had. I tried to do trade-offs to limit how much money would trade hands and I thought I was giving her a hell of a deal to walk away. I was agreeing to pay for most marital debt with the exception of her medical bills. I can't get into all the details here but there was give and take with me giving much more than her. I then downloaded about 65 pages of actual court papers to fill out and file and was ready to start filling that in.

Then I started getting really pissed about her attitude towards this affair! She absolutely thinks she is doing nothing wrong (because we are separated and all) and that the affair doesn't affect the kids negatively! Of course he is coming off as a nice guy to the kids now because it's all fresh and new, and then I come off looking like the bad guy for getting angry with her. She had some counseling a little while back. One of the things I recently asked her for was for ONCE, just ONCE, both of us meet with her counselor so I can state my feelings and also take my share of the blame for what happened in our marriage. I never cheated on her. Then I will have had my say, gotten some feedback from a 3rd party with both of us present and that will give me some closure. She said "forget it; it's not going to happen."

You're being pissed is natural. Her thinking that there is nothing wrong is typical behavior in this situation.

However, this is a legal forum, not a support group. Acting on your emotions is going to bite you in the butt, legally speaking.

Unless and until you clear your head, you really are going to need legal representation - the longer you put it off, the worse it gets. Can you keep the house AND retain a lawyer? I don't know. Will you be able to have 50/50 physical custody? I don't know. But the more you let things slide, the more the status quo will change. For example: had you filed for divorce at the time your wife moved across the street, leaving the kids to live in the marital home, custody/visitation might be viewed differently than it would be now.

So, look at those papers again. Think of ideally what you would like, and where you would be willing to compromise. Ask for what theoretically would be fair, and offer to compromise - and be prepared to compromise even more.

 

[justalayman]

You are going to have to get a thicker skin about her having a boyfriend. Sorry but it is the world we live in. Once the adultery laws were removed from the books (I think there are a few states they are still around but obviously they are ripe for a challenge), her choice to bed men or your choice to bed women, or not, is not going to be so closely controlled by the courts anything will change. Short of what most people would consider inappropriate displays of public affection, a court is not likely to even blink at your complaints. You'll probably get a sigh and a; these are the times we live in.


and she moved out a year ago. How long do you expect her to pretend there is a marriage and she must remain faithful to you?


Moved a YEAR ago.
.
It's time to put this to bed. Give up on the emotional reasoning and deal with the cold hard facts. If you can come up with an amicable agreement, you might still pay an attorney to review it just so you severe everything that needs to be severed (the house issue is a good one. You do not want to continue with both attached to the home and unless somebody can refinance it, selling it is about the only way to separate the home). Sometimes people do some really dumb things when it comes to big ticket property because separating them is a financial hardship for both parties so they linger on, attached at the hip, right about the wallet area, forever due to the financial matters. You will never move beyond the relationship unless all ties are severed. (excepting the obvious one of the children but hey, wasn't there a guy that was going to split his child so as to be able to divide everything. Not sure how that worked out but in today's world, it probably wouldn't work well).