Cheating newlywed

[CliveB]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

My son got married in June in Oregon. He is disabled, on SSD. He and his wife moved in with her family. In September, they moved in with us. In March, they moved to Washington and signed a 1-year lease on an apartment. They ostensibly moved to be closer to her work. Turns out, they moved to be closer to a coworker that she is likely having sex with. She has had him in the apartment when my son has been gone. She stays out late and goes places after work (at midnight) and will not tell him where she's been. She has misrepresented just about everything about herself: didn't smoke, drink, go to bars, very clean-cut. That's what my son wanted.

Since the marriage, she is drinking, smoking pot now that they live in Washington, going out with friends and leaving him alone (he is disabled), not telling him where she is, locking her phone so he can't see her text messages, flirting with men on-line. She refuses to try to change any of this. Expects him to just take it.

He doesn't want to live with her in an apartment where he believes she is bringing men to have sexual encounters with when he is gone. He doesn't want her to bring her drinking buddies to the apartment or smoke marijuana in it.

If it weren't for the lease, he'd leave right away and come back to Oregon. Even though he is disabled, he hopes he doesn't have to move back in with us, but is afraid that he won 't qualify for an apartment of his own with the Washington state lease still in force, or if he stops paying his part. He is set on a divorce, but doesn't want to live with her while he pursues it.

No explicit question. The whole situation is fraught with questions.

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

My son got married in June in Oregon. He is disabled, on SSD. He and his wife moved in with her family. In September, they moved in with us. In March, they moved to Washington and signed a 1-year lease on an apartment. They ostensibly moved to be closer to her work. Turns out, they moved to be closer to a coworker that she is likely having sex with. She has had him in the apartment when my son has been gone. She stays out late and goes places after work (at midnight) and will not tell him where she's been. She has misrepresented just about everything about herself: didn't smoke, drink, go to bars, very clean-cut. That's what my son wanted.

Since the marriage, she is drinking, smoking pot now that they live in Washington, going out with friends and leaving him alone (he is disabled), not telling him where she is, locking her phone so he can't see her text messages, flirting with men on-line. She refuses to try to change any of this. Expects him to just take it.

He doesn't want to live with her in an apartment where he believes she is bringing men to have sexual encounters with when he is gone. He doesn't want her to bring her drinking buddies to the apartment or smoke marijuana in it.

If it weren't for the lease, he'd leave right away and come back to Oregon. Even though he is disabled, he hopes he doesn't have to move back in with us, but is afraid that he won 't qualify for an apartment of his own with the Washington state lease still in force, or if he stops paying his part. He is set on a divorce, but doesn't want to live with her while he pursues it.

No explicit question. The whole situation is fraught with questions.

Since you have no question, I will give some advice:

Be supportive of your son, but realize that he will need to deal with this situation.

You do understand that the woman is not a slave to your boy, right? Your son has no right to snoop in her phone. She doesn't have to report her every movement to him.

 

[justalayman]

and how long did your son know this woman before getting married? It would seem a lot of the problems are something that would have been obvious if he knew her for more than a couple hours let alone the months or (showing my age again) years of courtship and engagement.

 

[CliveB]

Since you have no question, I will give some advice:

Be supportive of your son, but realize that he will need to deal with this situation.

You do understand that the woman is not a slave to your boy, right? Your son has no right to snoop in her phone. She doesn't have to report her every movement to him.

I know he doesn't have a right to keep track of her. He does have a right to not stay married to her or live with her if she doesn't respect his boundaries.

I'm surprised you don't see a question in there, but I'll ask one. How can he get out of his part of their lease so that he can have some money to get his own place?

 

[justalayman]

I'm surprised you don't see a question in there, but I'll ask one. How can he get out of his part of their lease so that he can have some money to get his own place?

he can't unless something in the lease allows for it.

 

[Zigner]

I'm surprised you don't see a question in there...

Why? You didn't:

No explicit question.

 

[CliveB]

and how long did your son know this woman before getting married? It would seem a lot of the problems are something that would have been obvious if he knew her for more than a couple hours let alone the months or (showing my age again) years of courtship and engagement.

About a year, met her at church. Very conservative church, don't drink, no sex outside of marriage. A total "false advertising" thing on her part. Remember that my son is disabled, developmentally. Easily fooled, too trusting. We wished he would have known more about her first, but he's an independent adult.

 

[CJane]

About a year, met her at church. Very conservative church, don't drink, no sex outside of marriage. A total "false advertising" thing on her part. Remember that my son is disabled, developmentally. Easily fooled, too trusting. We wished he would have known more about her first, but he's an independent adult.

He's an independent adult who made his own decision to marry someone without really knowing her first. He also chose to leave the state and sign a lease on an apartment.

And really. He's either so disabled that he requires care from a responsible adult and she's shirking her duties by "leaving him alone" ... or he's an independent adult. It can't be both.

 

[Just Blue]

I know he doesn't have a right to keep track of her. He does have a right to not stay married to her or live with her if she doesn't respect his boundaries.

I'm surprised you don't see a question in there, but I'll ask one. How can he get out of his part of their lease so that he can have some money to get his own place?

Please ask him to join and post for himself. Thank You

 

[justalayman]

About a year, met her at church. Very conservative church, don't drink, no sex outside of marriage. A total "false advertising" thing on her part. Remember that my son is disabled, developmentally. Easily fooled, too trusting. We wished he would have known more about her first, but he's an independent adult.

then I suspect he has not been 100% truthful with you, he simply ignored all the signs that would have shown her true self, or he needs a guardian because he is not capable of handling his own affairs.


Seriously, the issues you describe are not something that are easily hidden for a year. There is something missing from this story.

 

[CJane]

then I suspect he has not been 100% truthful with you, he simply ignored all the signs that would have shown her true self, or he needs a guardian because he is not capable of handling his own affairs.


Seriously, the issues you describe are not something that are easily hidden for a year. There is something missing from this story.

Easily hidden for a year PRIOR to marriage. And then for a couple months while they lived with her parents (from June until September) - and then ANOTHER 5 months while living with the OP - and THEN she showed her true colors.

That's a lot of crazy to keep hidden for all that time. Just sayin.

 

[Bali Hai]

About a year, met her at church. Very conservative church, don't drink, no sex outside of marriage. A total "false advertising" thing on her part. Remember that my son is disabled, developmentally. Easily fooled, too trusting. We wished he would have known more about her first, but he's an independent adult.

Do you suspect she was after his disability check?

Your son should seek a divorce immediately. And if he ever brings up the subject of marriage again, give him a time out.

 

[CliveB]

He's an independent adult who made his own decision to marry someone without really knowing her first. He also chose to leave the state and sign a lease on an apartment.

And really. He's either so disabled that he requires care from a responsible adult and she's shirking her duties by "leaving him alone" ... or he's an independent adult. It can't be both.

I work with disabled adults. Legally, it can be both. Most disabled people are independent adults (legally) but are still protected as vulnerable population. All of my clients are legally independent adults, but are regularly taken advantage of because they don't have the same social skills and intellectual abilities the rest of us have. The states protect them from abuse as much as possible, but everyone in the system I work understands that they are often taken in by people who bad intentions. I deal with that kind of abuse daily in my job, and yes, for "legally independent adults."

So, legally, as much as I disapproved, thought it was premature, didn't believe her, or maybe even thought I should stop it, I had no legal right. Even if I thought he should be prevented, I would have had to pursue a long, legal battle of my own to win the right to make decisions for him.

Finally, are all of these attacks on my son's capacities really addressing what I'm asking? And don't say you couldn't find a question in there. Forget the rest. Even if he wasn't disabled, even if he suspected she was not the faithful type before he married her or signed a lease with her, there must be people who marry, move into an apartment together, discover infidelity, and then one wants to divorce and get out of the lease. There must be more that can be done? (Question mark provided for those who can only see questions that have question marks attached).

 

[CliveB]

Do you suspect she was after his disability check?

Your son should seek a divorce immediately. And if he ever brings up the subject of marriage again, give him a time out.

I know you meant that facetiously, about the time out, but this is what no one here seems to grasp.

People aren't divided into non-disabled who are independent adults and disabled who are in the custody of their family. Most disabled adults have full independent rights under the law, but are still protected from abuse.

If he gets a divorce and wants to marry another loser, I wouldn't be able to stop it either.

I'm not saying my daughter-in-law was abusing my son by not being at home at night. She knew all about his disability before she married him and represented herself as knowing that it would be difficult and being willing to deal with it. I point it out not as abuse, but as part of what I call her "false advertising" as a prospective spouse.

I don't think she was after his disability check. Disability checks are a pittance. She has a good job. She doesn't need it.

 

[Proserpina]

I work with disabled adults. Legally, it can be both. Most disabled people are independent adults (legally) but are still protected as vulnerable population. All of my clients are legally independent adults, but are regularly taken advantage of because they don't have the same social skills and intellectual abilities the rest of us have. The states protect them from abuse as much as possible, but everyone in the system I work understands that they are often taken in by people who bad intentions. I deal with that kind of abuse daily in my job, and yes, for "legally independent adults."

So, legally, as much as I disapproved, thought it was premature, didn't believe her, or maybe even thought I should stop it, I had no legal right. Even if I thought he should be prevented, I would have had to pursue a long, legal battle of my own to win the right to make decisions for him.

Finally, are all of these attacks on my son's capacities really addressing what I'm asking? And don't say you couldn't find a question in there. Forget the rest. Even if he wasn't disabled, even if he suspected she was not the faithful type before he married her or signed a lease with her, there must be people who marry, move into an apartment together, discover infidelity, and then one wants to divorce and get out of the lease. There must be more that can be done? (Question mark provided for those who can only see questions that have question marks attached).

And in what realm do you work?

I do live in Washington state. I'm very interested to see your answer.