Cheating newlywed

[CliveB]

Easily hidden for a year PRIOR to marriage. And then for a couple months while they lived with her parents (from June until September) - and then ANOTHER 5 months while living with the OP - and THEN she showed her true colors.

That's a lot of crazy to keep hidden for all that time. Just sayin.

I know it sounds incredible. They lived with us for three months. She obviously wasn't bringing men over to our house. We would have known that. That started when they moved into their own apartment. So, yes, she hid her true colors and for a long time. In a forum about divorce, separation, and annulment, that doesn't happen?

 

[CliveB]

then I suspect he has not been 100% truthful with you, he simply ignored all the signs that would have shown her true self, or he needs a guardian because he is not capable of handling his own affairs.


Seriously, the issues you describe are not something that are easily hidden for a year. There is something missing from this story.

It would be stupid of me to think he's told me everything. I don't know. On the other hand, really? No one here has ever married someone who was not the same person they courted?

 

[CJane]

That question was answered. In the lease itself will be language concerning when and if the lease can be broken with no penalty, and what the penalty is for breaking the lease outside those parameters.

But frankly, the lease is the least of his worries.

 

[CJane]

It would be stupid of me to think he's told me everything. I don't know. On the other hand, really? No one here has ever married someone who was not the same person they courted?

The person you divorce is never the same person you married. But it's a little unbelievable that she became a completely different person virtually overnight.

 

[CliveB]

That question was answered. In the lease itself will be language concerning when and if the lease can be broken with no penalty, and what the penalty is for breaking the lease outside those parameters.

But frankly, the lease is the least of his worries.

Thanks. That's clear enough.

When you say that is the least of his worries, are you talking legal worries? If so, what else?

I'm most concerned about where he is going to live? He's welcome here, but he's trying to be more independent, which I support. I know that the housing around here is pretty tight, and having a broken lease on your record is no minor impediment to being approved for an apartment.

 

[CliveB]

And in what realm do you work?

I do live in Washington state. I'm very interested to see your answer.

What does that have to do with it? And, I don't work in Washington State. I work in Oregon.

 

[CJane]

Thanks. That's clear enough.

When you say that is the least of his worries, are you talking legal worries? If so, what else?

I'm most concerned about where he is going to live? He's welcome here, but he's trying to be more independent, which I support. I know that the housing around here is pretty tight, and having a broken lease on your record is no minor impediment to being approved for an apartment.

Well, it's the marital home. He might face issues if he just breaks the lease and moves out, leaving her homeless.
He may have difficulty finding another place to live, especially if part of the reason he was able to get this lease is due to using her income together with his. Is SSI his only income?
He will need to file for divorce, which isn't free... and where to do so is a bit murky as they've only been in WA a month or so.

 

[Proserpina]

What does that have to do with it? And, I don't work in Washington State. I work in Oregon.

Clive, I do apologize.

I have re-read the thread, having obviously missed something or not noticing if my snark button was on or off.

CJane has given you excellent advice.

 

[CliveB]

Well, it's the marital home. He might face issues if he just breaks the lease and moves out, leaving her homeless.
He may have difficulty finding another place to live, especially if part of the reason he was able to get this lease is due to using her income together with his. Is SSI his only income?
He will need to file for divorce, which isn't free... and where to do so is a bit murky as they've only been in WA a month or so.

Thanks. That's good feedback. I have suspected that he would have to get an attorney to sort it all out. Just looking for things to anticipate. Yes, SSI is his only income. Her income is much more than his, but I doubt they could've afforded that apartment without both incomes on the table. His current plan is to try to keep up his part of the rent until the lease period is over and live with us. We'd rather hoped he would become independent, for his own sake, but hopefully this is just a temporary setback to that goal.

 

[CliveB]

Clive, I do apologize.

I have re-read the thread, having obviously missed something or not noticing if my snark button was on or off.

CJane has given you excellent advice.

Prosperina, thanks. Accepted and appreciated.

 

[CliveB]

He will need to file for divorce, which isn't free... and where to do so is a bit murky as they've only been in WA a month or so.

This statement intrigues me. He's not planning to file for divorce right away. Some part of him still hopes she will come around. Is there a time frame for how long they live together in WA when it is more clear where to seek counsel?

 

[CJane]

This statement intrigues me. He's not planning to file for divorce right away. Some part of him still hopes she will come around. Is there a time frame for how long they live together in WA when it is more clear where to seek counsel?

Actually, I was incorrectly using general guidelines in my response to you.

A LOT of states have residency guidelines that are in place to keep people from "forum shopping" or moving to a state in order to get perceived legal benefits for filing for divorce/custody/etc in that state. However, Washington does not have those requirements. If one lives in WA when one files for divorce, regardless of time frame, one is considered a resident.

I think a good bet for your son - that may help his marriage and ALSO help with his struggle to be independent - is counseling. Both personal and marital.

 

[CJane]

I know it sounds incredible. They lived with us for three months. She obviously wasn't bringing men over to our house. We would have known that. That started when they moved into their own apartment. So, yes, she hid her true colors and for a long time. In a forum about divorce, separation, and annulment, that doesn't happen?

Here's the deal though... because you're an outsider to their relationship...

Has your son ever previously lived on his own? What is the nature of his disability? Is it REMOTELY possible that while she seemed willing and eager to take on the burden of providing care... she didn't REALLY know what that entailed because they'd never been on their own? Is it possible that your son isn't quite the same as a HUSBAND as he is a SON, and since you're only hearing his side of things, you don't have the whole picture? It sounds like he's invading her privacy, having expectations that perhaps he didn't before (his anger at her "leaving him alone"), etc.

It's very very rare that a marriage falls apart based on the actions of only one of the people involved.

THAT is why I suggest counseling for your son. So that he can learn to correctly allocate responsibility, and take some on himself.

 

[CliveB]

Actually, I was incorrectly using general guidelines in my response to you.

A LOT of states have residency guidelines that are in place to keep people from "forum shopping" or moving to a state in order to get perceived legal benefits for filing for divorce/custody/etc in that state. However, Washington does not have those requirements. If one lives in WA when one files for divorce, regardless of time frame, one is considered a resident.

I think a good bet for your son - that may help his marriage and ALSO help with his struggle to be independent - is counseling. Both personal and marital.

Thanks, CJane. You've been great. If he files for divorce after he moves back with us in Oregon, would he still file in Washington?

I agree about the counseling. She refuses. Says there is no need for it. He has always resisted it for himself, but is seriously reconsidering. Because he's legally independent, I can't force it. Not sure that forced counseling is anywhere near as useful as voluntary.

 

[CJane]

Thanks, CJane. You've been great. If he files for divorce after he moves back with us in Oregon, would he still file in Washington?

I agree about the counseling. She refuses. Says there is no need for it. He has always resisted it for himself, but is seriously reconsidering. Because he's legally independent, I can't force it. Not sure that forced counseling is anywhere near as useful as voluntary.

He has to live in Oregon for 6 continuous months before he can file there. He CANNOT file in WA if he's not living in WA.

So, if he moves home FIRST, he has to wait. If he waits to move home and files in WA, he'll need to either stay in WA while things are working their way through the system, or travel to WA for court hearings.