maintaining no contact

[nocontact]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I'm kind of frustrated because each time I try to post the thread, it says I'm logged out and I lose my what I've written.

So here it goes, again:

My ex and I have been divorced for less than a year. He left us 3 years ago after 2 years of marriage (for various reasons) but kept returning on occasion with the promise of coming back eventually...that didn't happen. We have 2 children. After the divorce, he recently returned to the area and has demanded to see his kids every weekend. He wasn't happy with the arrangement, so he took me to court. Right now, he gets to see them every other weekend.

When he was on the other side of the state, I tried to ignore his harassing behavior, but still tried to help him maintain contact with his kids. However, he kept changing his mind about what he wanted and what worked for him. He would use this contact time with his kids to talk to me and try to get me to take him back. Other times, he would be dramatic and say "goodbye to you and the kids forever."

On the advice of people all around me, I'm trying to maintain "no contact," but how does that work when we have young children involved? For the sake of the children, I've tried over and over to work with him, but it doesn't seem to work. For my own sake and sanity, I'm trying to figure out how to do this without falling back into his traps of cornering me when I'm trying to bring the kids to him. The children get upset, I get upset. I try to ignore him but he blocks me from leaving, and I try to keep my voice down so the children don't get even more upset. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I'm kind of frustrated because each time I try to post the thread, it says I'm logged out and I lose my what I've written.

So here it goes, again:

My ex and I have been divorced for less than a year. He left us 3 years ago after 2 years of marriage (for various reasons) but kept returning on occasion with the promise of coming back eventually...that didn't happen. We have 2 children. After the divorce, he recently returned to the area and has demanded to see his kids every weekend. He wasn't happy with the arrangement, so he took me to court. Right now, he gets to see them every other weekend.

When he was on the other side of the state, I tried to ignore his harassing behavior, but still tried to help him maintain contact with his kids. However, he kept changing his mind about what he wanted and what worked for him. He would use this contact time with his kids to talk to me and try to get me to take him back. Other times, he would be dramatic and say "goodbye to you and the kids forever."

On the advice of people all around me, I'm trying to maintain "no contact," but how does that work when we have young children involved? For the sake of the children, I've tried over and over to work with him, but it doesn't seem to work. For my own sake and sanity, I'm trying to figure out how to do this without falling back into his traps of cornering me when I'm trying to bring the kids to him. The children get upset, I get upset. I try to ignore him but he blocks me from leaving, and I try to keep my voice down so the children don't get even more upset. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

This really isn't a legal question, but one of dealing with an ex.

You don't have to be in contact with him at all - unless it's regarding the children. If you're really that uncomfortable, head back to court and see if the court can modify the order so that Family Wizard (or similar) is the means of communication. I have no idea how old the children are, but there doesn't have to be any drama if you drop 'em off at the side of the curb, and do another curb-side pick up when you get the children back.

 

[nocontact]

This really isn't a legal question, but one of dealing with an ex.

You don't have to be in contact with him at all - unless it's regarding the children. If you're really that uncomfortable, head back to court and see if the court can modify the order so that Family Wizard (or similar) is the means of communication. I have no idea how old the children are, but there doesn't have to be any drama if you drop 'em off at the side of the curb, and do another curb-side pick up when you get the children back.

Thank you. You're right, but you guys all have been such great help to others and I wanted to make sure I do everything on the "up and up," so to speak.

The children are both under 5, with one that just started walking. When the kids are a little older, I will not have a problem doing that.

 

[Ladyback1]

Thank you. You're right, but you guys all have been such great help to others and I wanted to make sure I do everything on the "up and up," so to speak.

The children are both under 5, with one that just started walking. When the kids are a little older, I will not have a problem doing that.

make the kid exchange at a very public place (parking lot of fast food restaurant, Wallyworld, convenience store...Hopefully, being in the public eye he would modify his behavior.

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you. You're right, but you guys all have been such great help to others and I wanted to make sure I do everything on the "up and up," so to speak.

The children are both under 5, with one that just started walking. When the kids are a little older, I will not have a problem doing that.

Can I make a suggestion?

You know your ex, and you know his tendencies and habits and one of the best ways of dealing with a bully is making sure he never sees the reaction he's looking for.

Kill 'em with kindness, if you will. Smile politely, offer a very hearty "Sorry, must run. Busy day ahead!" kiss the children on the forehead and then leave, that gives you control of how you feel.

Added bonus? You're teaching your children how to react - they don't realize it yet, but they will eventually learn from your example.

 

[Proserpina]

make the kid exchange at a very public place (parking lot of fast food restaurant, Wallyworld, convenience store...Hopefully, being in the public eye he would modify his behavior.

That's also an excellent suggestion.

 

[nocontact]

Love These Suggestions

Thank you for all the above suggestions!! You're right, and I want to set a good example.

 

[nocontact]

your opinion on a few issues

Update: My lawyer suggested and the judge agreed to having exchanges at a police station. I am allowed to bring or designate a third party to do the exchanges for me, except for possible romantic interests (ex's request specifically). All visits must continue to take place in public and he must go to a forensic psychiatrist for therapy.

First issue: I arrived on time with a family member and waited in front of the station (parked elsewhere). He arrived a little late and parked next to my car. He was in a great mood. He claimed he didn't receive a copy of the last 2 court orders and implied it was my lawyer's fault, even though his lawyer had typed them up. He also claimed he didn't know what was being court-ordered, the schedule or otherwise. He snuck into the conversation things of a more personal nature, so we started to walk away (in the opposite direction). My lawyer had suggested that we could do the exchange curbside, but are we allowed to do that without getting a ticket? You said I know him best and this is what he does: he starts the conversation in a seemingly harmless nature and then brings up things more personal.

Second issue: We noticed him jaywalking from the police station in the middle of the block to the top of the block where the car was. Nothing happened, but should I say something to him or wait until something does happen? I know I cannot control what he does.

Third issue: The older son came back with wet socks, which we didn't notice until later when we got home. When I asked him about it, he said it was pee. I asked if he wet his pants. He said, "No, it's daddy's fault. He peed on me." After much talking, this is what I gathered. They were at a department store restroom. The baby was in the stroller and the ex was carrying the older one in the stall. The older one was not using the toilet. The ex was peeing and (accidentally, I assume) peed on the older son's leg and socks. Personally, I was grossed out and I think it would've been at least respectful for ex to inform me so I could immediately change out son's socks and wash him. Is this something I should bring up to him or again, should I just let these issues go?

Thank you for your help and advice.

 

[stealth2]

Update: My lawyer suggested and the judge agreed to having exchanges at a police station. I am allowed to bring or designate a third party to do the exchanges for me, except for possible romantic interests (ex's request specifically). All visits must continue to take place in public and he must go to a forensic psychiatrist for therapy.

First issue: I arrived on time with a family member and waited in front of the station (parked elsewhere). He arrived a little late and parked next to my car. He was in a great mood. He claimed he didn't receive a copy of the last 2 court orders and implied it was my lawyer's fault, even though his lawyer had typed them up. He also claimed he didn't know what was being court-ordered, the schedule or otherwise. He snuck into the conversation things of a more personal nature, so we started to walk away (in the opposite direction). My lawyer had suggested that we could do the exchange curbside, but are we allowed to do that without getting a ticket? You said I know him best and this is what he does: he starts the conversation in a seemingly harmless nature and then brings up things more personal.

Second issue: We noticed him jaywalking from the police station in the middle of the block to the top of the block where the car was. Nothing happened, but should I say something to him or wait until something does happen? I know I cannot control what he does.

Third issue: The older son came back with wet socks, which we didn't notice until later when we got home. When I asked him about it, he said it was pee. I asked if he wet his pants. He said, "No, it's daddy's fault. He peed on me." After much talking, this is what I gathered. They were at a department store restroom. The baby was in the stroller and the ex was carrying the older one in the stall. The older one was not using the toilet. The ex was peeing and (accidentally, I assume) peed on the older son's leg and socks. Personally, I was grossed out and I think it would've been at least respectful for ex to inform me so I could immediately change out son's socks and wash him. Is this something I should bring up to him or again, should I just let these issues go?

Thank you for your help and advice.

When he starts up, you tell the kid to say bye to Dad and walk away.

What is the issue w/jay-walking? Is this REALLY a hill you want to die on?

So wash the socks/pants. Another hill not to die on.

 

[nocontact]

When he starts up, you tell the kid to say bye to Dad and walk away.

What is the issue w/jay-walking? Is this REALLY a hill you want to die on?

So wash the socks/pants. Another hill not to die on.

Thank you for the response. Not trying to die on any hills. Like I said, nothing happened. I just don't want something bad to happen and then it being put on me for not saying anything when I have seen it happen before.

As for the peeing thing, it is just gross, that is all. We didn't go home right away. Do I mind changing or washing our son? Absolutely not. But if I'm going to have to touch my ex's (or anyone else's) urine or other bodily liquids, it just would be nice to know. Am I going to make a big stink about it? Probably not. But again, that is why I asked for your opinions.

 

[Just Blue]

Thank you for the response. Not trying to die on any hills. Like I said, nothing happened. I just don't want something bad to happen and then it being put on me for not saying anything when I have seen it happen before.

As for the peeing thing, it is just gross, that is all. We didn't go home right away. Do I mind changing or washing our son? Absolutely not. But if I'm going to have to touch my ex's (or anyone else's) urine or other bodily liquids, it just would be nice to know. Am I going to make a big stink about it? Probably not. But again, that is why I asked for your opinions.

It is gross. But it's just pee. Not that big a deal.

 

[stealth2]

Thank you for the response. Not trying to die on any hills. Like I said, nothing happened. I just don't want something bad to happen and then it being put on me for not saying anything when I have seen it happen before.

As for the peeing thing, it is just gross, that is all. We didn't go home right away. Do I mind changing or washing our son? Absolutely not. But if I'm going to have to touch my ex's (or anyone else's) urine or other bodily liquids, it just would be nice to know. Am I going to make a big stink about it? Probably not. But again, that is why I asked for your opinions.

Unless you're going straight home, know to bring some spare clothes.

 

[CourtClerk]

Thank you for the response. Not trying to die on any hills. Like I said, nothing happened. I just don't want something bad to happen and then it being put on me for not saying anything when I have seen it happen before.

As for the peeing thing, it is just gross, that is all. We didn't go home right away. Do I mind changing or washing our son? Absolutely not. But if I'm going to have to touch my ex's (or anyone else's) urine or other bodily liquids, it just would be nice to know. Am I going to make a big stink about it? Probably not. But again, that is why I asked for your opinions.

Urine is sterile. You're fine, and honestly? You had no problems handing his semen at one point. Seems to me like urine is a walk in a park. It all comes from the same body part and right out the same tube.

 

[justalayman]

Urine is sterile. You're fine, and honestly? You had no problems handing his semen at one point. Seems to me like urine is a walk in a park. It all comes from the same body part and right out the same tube.

more recent studies have disproved that claim.


urine contains bacteria that is considered "good bacteria" all the time but if there is any infection such as a UTI, the urine also contains bacteria from that source as well.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24371246


https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/gory-details/urine-not-sterile-and-neither-rest-you

 

[FarmerJ]

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