maintaining no contact

[nocontact]

Thank you for all your input.

Thank you, Blue Meanie, for validating that it is gross. I won't make a big deal about it.

To stealth2 and CourtClerk: My point isn't that I don't have clothes in the car for him or that I, at one point, didn't have a problem with his bodily fluids. We're going off on a tangent but my point is I would like to know so that I can change him.

Thank you, justalayman, for that information. I had heard about that too.

All in all, I get it: in the big scheme of things, it's not going to be a big deal.

 

[justalayman]

as another said:

do not allow yourself to be drawn into conversations. You are there for exchanges. Keep any verbal contact to a minimum, and used only if there is an actual need.

In other words;

when delivering the children, get them out of your car and hand them to the father. Tell the children bye (love you and all the gooey stuff they need to hear). Get into your car and drive away.


when receiving the children;

accept them from the father. Put them in your car. Have them tell daddy goodbye (all the gooey stuff again). Get into the car and drive away.


Only if there is a reason for verbal communications should you engage or allow yourself to be engaged in such.

I know it sounds cold but given the circumstances, it is for the best.

 

[nocontact]

as another said:

do not allow yourself to be drawn into conversations. You are there for exchanges. Keep any verbal contact to a minimum, and used only if there is an actual need.

In other words;

when delivering the children, get them out of your car and hand them to the father. Tell the children bye (love you and all the gooey stuff they need to hear). Get into your car and drive away.


when receiving the children;

accept them from the father. Put them in your car. Have them tell daddy goodbye (all the gooey stuff again). Get into the car and drive away.


Only if there is a reason for verbal communications should you engage or allow yourself to be engaged in such.

I know it sounds cold but given the circumstances, it is for the best.

Thank you, justalayman. I really appreciate this advice and the reminder.

 

[nocontact]

I've calmed down a bit from my post yesterday when I was waiting...

The judge seems to like possible solutions, and I'm trying to prevent my ex from freely imposing on my time. I try to be flexible with the scheduled time and I'm okay with reasonable tardiness. But my question is: how can I *try* to keep the ex from taking advantage and going over the times given?

Before you get upset with me, I'm not doing this for the money. Someone suggested putting in the order that if the ex that if he is over x minutes late, he forfeits his visit. If he is (or I am) over y minutes late returning (bringing) the kids, he (or I) pays $z. Is this a likely solution, or do you think this will cause more problems? I'm open to other suggestions.

I know it sounds I'm being petty about a lot of things, but I'm just trying to be more proactive in making sure ex doesn't just do things however he wants once the lawyers and the court are out of the picture. Once the "final" court order is done, I doubt I'll file anything just to complain. I appreciate your responses.

 

[justalayman]

Someone suggested putting in the order that if the ex that if he is over x minutes late, he forfeits his visit. If he is (or I am) over y minutes late returning (bringing) the kids, he (or I) pays $z. Is this a likely solution, or do you think this will cause more problems? I'm open to other suggestions.

at least one state has it in their standard parenting plan that if the visitation is not prompt (I think they allow either a 15 minute or 1/2 hour window) the parent does forfeit their entire visit. It would not be out of line to put something reasonable in the order, if Califirnia doesn't already do so (they might but I couldn't find what they consider their standard parenting plan).



forget about the money. It will not work nor will it likely be allowed.


the best thing I can think of is the forfeiture of the visit if he is late picking up the children (but I suggest being reasonable). As far as he being late returning them, the court would address that through you filing for contempt. That should not be considered lightly but it is there if things get out of control.

 

[nocontact]

at least one state has it in their standard parenting plan that if the visitation is not prompt (I think they allow either a 15 minute or 1/2 hour window) the parent does forfeit their entire visit. It would not be out of line to put something reasonable in the order, if California doesn't already do so (they might but I couldn't find what they consider their standard parenting plan).



forget about the money. It will not work nor will it likely be allowed.


the best thing I can think of is the forfeiture of the visit if he is late picking up the children (but I suggest being reasonable). As far as he being late returning them, the court would address that through you filing for contempt. That should not be considered lightly but it is there if things get out of control.

Thank you, justalayman, for the information and advice. I do not plan to be unreasonable. Most times in the past, I've been more of a doormat and I just don't want to fall back into that pattern. I really do appreciate your responses.

What would be considered "out of control" during a 3 month period? My ex likes to push the boundaries, so knowing him, he'll do things just under the "out of control" mark.

I know that, being the person in the middle of things and having been pushed for so long, I can get emotionally charged at times about feeling that he is taking advantage. At the same time, I also recognize that to others and in the big picture, things may not be seen the same light. I try to remember OhioGal's little footnote about remembering to love our children more than hating my ex. I don't actually hate him but I think I get her meaning. At the same time, I need to find some kind of balance and keep my sanity. Sorry for the rant.

 

[mommyanme]

Been here did this, I think many of us have, it's a game. Don't play it. All the advice is great that you have been given. But you honestly need to sit down and write down everything that you want included in your order and then mark off what is important. After that, be done with it and ignore the game until it comes to a large issue.
Because here's the reality of this game that sometimes NCP's play, no matter what you do, what you say, what you add to that court order, they will continuously find a loop hole and attempt to irritate you. You can either drive yourself crazy and break the bank, or you can defeat the BS from the word go. So here's my opinion and advice and it worked for me, but unfortunately the outcome was him disappearing on my now S4 when he was 2.

Get on the site Our Family Wizard, use it, set up phone communication only in an emergency, when he has kiddos, check it once daily, when you have them, update as needed and check it no more then twice a week and DO NOT answer anything that isn't about kiddos. When you do answer practice writing it in less then 5 sentences. Do not set up the notifications to email you. WAIT 1-2 hours before answering.

You are allowed to designate a third party, use them, do not go, kiss kiddos goodbye at home, tell that third party to relay nothing, write down instructions for meds or the like on paper. Tell third party that you don't want to know what was said or done. If it endangers the kids, that person is at the PD, they go inside and report it, then notify you, otherwise, tell yourself you don't want or need to know. He wants your reaction, not theirs. If he speaks about you to them, don't react, they say nothing.

It will get worse before it gets better, be prepared for him to try and find that button, if you slip, forgive yourself and keep moving forward. It takes time. But I hope your outcome is different then mine. Mine showed me that our child was not his concern if he could not get me to engage and now I have a 4 year old in therapy because he didn't understand. Luckily I do have a friend(not romantic) who has stepped up and is being a "male figure" for him, along with his older brothers.

 

[nocontact]

Thank you, mommyanme, for your valuable and meaningful advice. I was starting to feel like I was the only one feeling this way, so thank you for sharing your experience.

I will look into Family Wizard. Does it require both parties to sign up? (meaning, if I sign up but he doesn't, will it still work?)

 

[mommyanme]

Thank you, mommyanme, for your valuable and meaningful advice. I was starting to feel like I was the only one feeling this way, so thank you for sharing your experience.

I will look into Family Wizard. Does it require both parties to sign up? (meaning, if I sign up but he doesn't, will it still work?)

You both have to sign up and it is $99 a year per parent but they have a type of "voucher" program. You can get the court to order it, I did, then he has no choice. My order states, Both parents are to use Our Family Wizard as the ONLY means of communication, except in emergencies. Both parents are to pay their own fee each year. You can have it worded like that or hey if you can foot the bill, offer to pay for both, then he has no valid argument of not being able to afford it. Or print up their fee waiver application, but even that can lead to a usable argument against it.

Things like this unfortunately happen between parents, some parents are legitimately unstable. But like Ohiogal's signature reads ( I think it's her signature) "Love your kids more then you hate your ex" I did use that as my mantra many times, as a means to get past my ex's ridiculous behavior. It actually took him scaring his own attorney and her nearly calling the police because of one of his rages, for people to finally see that I was not making this up. When you don't engage, someone with true issues will spiral downwards, causing others to see it too. My ex will no longer attempt to engage me. It took 4 years and a lot of time spent here learning what matters and what doesn't. Learning that no matter what a parent does, they may have to jump through hoops, but they still have a right to their children no matter how craptastic they are, unless they are a danger to their children.

And most importantly as another poster already said, YOU are teaching your children how to react correctly and not let it cause them distress, when you handle yourself calmly. They will learn, they will be better for it in the long run. When you create and teach those healthy boundaries in your kids, they will be less likely to be a target of someone like that. It just takes time to retrain yourself.

 

[nocontact]

You both have to sign up and it is $99 a year per parent but they have a type of "voucher" program. You can get the court to order it, I did, then he has no choice. My order states, Both parents are to use Our Family Wizard as the ONLY means of communication, except in emergencies. Both parents are to pay their own fee each year. You can have it worded like that or hey if you can foot the bill, offer to pay for both, then he has no valid argument of not being able to afford it. Or print up their fee waiver application, but even that can lead to a usable argument against it.

Things like this unfortunately happen between parents, some parents are legitimately unstable. But like Ohiogal's signature reads ( I think it's her signature) "Love your kids more then you hate your ex" I did use that as my mantra many times, as a means to get past my ex's ridiculous behavior. It actually took him scaring his own attorney and her nearly calling the police because of one of his rages, for people to finally see that I was not making this up. When you don't engage, someone with true issues will spiral downwards, causing others to see it too. My ex will no longer attempt to engage me. It took 4 years and a lot of time spent here learning what matters and what doesn't. Learning that no matter what a parent does, they may have to jump through hoops, but they still have a right to their children no matter how craptastic they are, unless they are a danger to their children.

And most importantly as another poster already said, YOU are teaching your children how to react correctly and not let it cause them distress, when you handle yourself calmly. They will learn, they will be better for it in the long run. When you create and teach those healthy boundaries in your kids, they will be less likely to be a target of someone like that. It just takes time to retrain yourself.

Thank you so much for this. Thank you to everyone who has responded and for the basic outline of what I should/need to do. I will have to keep reading these posts to remind myself what to do and focus on. Again, thank you.

 

[nocontact]

I'm back...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Okay, here's my question. I'm thinking of my children, which is why I'm asking. My ex keeps adjusting the schedule for me to pick up the children earlier, but it varies from week to week. (Please note: I absolutely do not mind getting my kids back earlier.)

Would it cause more problems to bring it up at our next hearing (because he keeps asking for more time, yet he isn't really using the time he already has)? Should I just leave it alone? I ask because, as the parent, of course I'd rather watch the children when he cannot. At the same time, I don't want to have my schedule dependent on his changing schedule. Am I dying on another hill here? Would constantly adjusting to his schedule set up some sort of status quo?

And no, we haven't gotten OFW yet because we haven't gone back to court. And since I'm not experienced with OFW, I don't know that it would apply in this situation.

Thank you for your responses.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Okay, here's my question. I'm thinking of my children, which is why I'm asking. My ex keeps adjusting the schedule for me to pick up the children earlier, but it varies from week to week. (Please note: I absolutely do not mind getting my kids back earlier.)

Would it cause more problems to bring it up at our next hearing (because he keeps asking for more time, yet he isn't really using the time he already has)? Should I just leave it alone? I ask because, as the parent, of course I'd rather watch the children when he cannot. At the same time, I don't want to have my schedule dependent on his changing schedule. Am I dying on another hill here? Would constantly adjusting to his schedule set up some sort of status quo?

And no, we haven't gotten OFW yet because we haven't gone back to court. And since I'm not experienced with OFW, I don't know that it would apply in this situation.

Thank you for your responses.

Document, document, document.

Scheduled time versus actual time.

When dad brings up more time, then you have a document showing time used from current schedule. If you can show that dad isn't even using the time he currently has, then it reduces the chances of more being given. He may be thinking reduction in child support without actually taking the time.

 

[nocontact]

Document, document, document.

Scheduled time versus actual time.

When dad brings up more time, then you have a document showing time used from current schedule. If you can show that dad isn't even using the time he currently has, then it reduces the chances of more being given. He may be thinking reduction in child support without actually taking the time.

Thanks, TinkerBelleLuvr. I have been documenting every exchange.

Does it matter that he just verbally tells me? I do have some emails from him confirming the changed schedules, but his most recent changes, he won't email me. He would just tell me verbally when I exchange the kids.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Thanks, TinkerBelleLuvr. I have been documenting every exchange.

Does it matter that he just verbally tells me? I do have some emails from him confirming the changed schedules, but his most recent changes, he won't email me. He would just tell me verbally when I exchange the kids.

Does he bring the children back to your home? If so, take a picture of the children in front of a clock or a tv program that goes on at a specific time. Just because he won't email you doesn't mean that you can't send a text or message to him confirming your conversation.

He: I'm bringing back the children back at 4 instead of 6.
You: Okay

Then you promptly send him a text/ email recording that conversation.

 

[nocontact]

Does he bring the children back to your home? If so, take a picture of the children in front of a clock or a tv program that goes on at a specific time. Just because he won't email you doesn't mean that you can't send a text or message to him confirming your conversation.

He: I'm bringing back the children back at 4 instead of 6.
You: Okay

Then you promptly send him a text/ email recording that conversation.

Thank you! Exchanges are not at my home. He hasn't responded to email confirmations but I'll send it anyway.