maintaining no contact

[nocontact]

Legal custody entails...?

I have full legal custody of the kids. Per Google, I understand what decisions legal custody allows me to make. However, I cannot figure out what it requires of me in terms of updating the other parent.

Because the youngest child was so young and father wasn't around, I updated father regularly regarding their well-checks and development. As the children are getting older, they don't see the doctor as often and report cards come out in trimesters. Also, father sees the children regularly now, if that makes a difference.

Legally, how often should I be updating father of their progress/well-checks? Do I still need to do it monthly and just say, "There were no medical appointments or report cards this past month." Do I wait until a medical appointment or parent-teacher conference? Are there other things that I should be putting into the updates?

A little background: I've always given father updates but he wanted daily detailed reports of what they were doing, which I told him I couldn't do. My lawyer offered him a monthly update (along with other physical custody arrangement) at the beginning, which he rejected. However, he also said he "has always wanted updates." That was how I started doing it monthly because it was definitely better than what he originally wanted.

Nothing has (ever) been written into the court order in terms of giving updates; at the same time, I don't want to get in trouble for changing things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[LdiJ]

I have full legal custody of the kids. Per Google, I understand what decisions legal custody allows me to make. However, I cannot figure out what it requires of me in terms of updating the other parent.

Because the youngest child was so young and father wasn't around, I updated father regularly regarding their well-checks and development. As the children are getting older, they don't see the doctor as often and report cards come out in trimesters. Also, father sees the children regularly now, if that makes a difference.

Legally, how often should I be updating father of their progress/well-checks? Do I still need to do it monthly and just say, "There were no medical appointments or report cards this past month." Do I wait until a medical appointment or parent-teacher conference? Are there other things that I should be putting into the updates?

A little background: I've always given father updates but he wanted daily detailed reports of what they were doing, which I told him I couldn't do. My lawyer offered him a monthly update (along with other physical custody arrangement) at the beginning, which he rejected. However, he also said he "has always wanted updates." That was how I started doing it monthly because it was definitely better than what he originally wanted.

Nothing has (ever) been written into the court order in terms of giving updates; at the same time, I don't want to get in trouble for changing things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

How old are the children and how often does he see them? I am asking for a reason.

 

[nocontact]

How old are the children and how often does he see them? I am asking for a reason.

The children are 4 1/2 and almost 2.

Right now, he sees them every weekend except for the first weekend.

 

[LdiJ]

The children are 4 1/2 and almost 2.

Right now, he sees them every weekend except for the first weekend.

Then he doesn't even need monthly updates. What he needs is to be updated after doctor's appointments or other significant issues. He sees the children often enough that he doesn't need updates.

 

[nocontact]

Then he doesn't even need monthly updates. What he needs is to be updated after doctor's appointments or other significant issues. He sees the children often enough that he doesn't need updates.

Thank you so much for responding, LdiJ. I have no problem doing that. Do I need to email him to let him know that I won't be doing it any longer, or can I just do it "without notice"?

If the schedule changes to "standard visitation" in the future, which I understand to be every other weekend and one weekday evening, would frequency change?

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you so much for responding, LdiJ. I have no problem doing that. Do I need to email him to let him know that I won't be doing it any longer, or can I just do it "without notice"?

If the schedule changes to "standard visitation" in the future, which I understand to be every other weekend and one weekday evening, would frequency change?

I would simply stop doing it unless you have something specific (like a doctor's appointment) to notify him about. I also do not feel that every other weekend and one day a week requires any more than that either.

 

[nocontact]

Birthdays

Hi, I'm back...

Our older child's birthday is coming up, and it occurs on a Friday this year. NCP will see children for 5 hours each on Sat and Sun, as is part of the court order (nothing to do with the birthday). Right now, we are not allowed to communicate with each other at exchanges. NCP wanted to have the children for birthdays, but my lawyer said no, since the concern was that the children's birthdays are during the school year. NCP was told to celebrate with the children during the visitation period. (Next year, child's birthday will be on a weekend so NCP will be spending the actual birthday with children.)

For those who might be familiar with my case, this was already a difficult divorce. Although no third-party supervision is in the order (anymore), all visits must take place in public and the NCP must be in therapy. For people who know me, I tend to give in too much too often, and in trying to prevent that, I came for some advice. I know this is a legal forum, and I know there are many opinions out there but I am here anyway...

NCP emailed me asking to see older child (nothing about younger child) for 2 hours on birthday. Child has school that day until about 3 p.m. I already have birthday plans for him that day as well after school; at the same time, I am not completely unfeeling, but I just don't know what to do about it. I am also concerned about the precedent it will set if I allow for it this year, but during years when child may have other things going on during the weekdays (not NCP's time) that NCP will use it against me. Thoughts, please...

If you really think this is the wrong place to ask this then I will respectfully delete this post. Thank you for your time.

 

[torimac]

Because he has a history of being difficult, I would stay with the orders. Just tell him you are uncomfortable deviating from the court orders. If the orders say 5 hours on Saturday, he can celebrate with the children at that time. That avoids any argument for next year ("But last year...").

 

[cheesecake46580]

Ok I have been dealing with a ex like this for over 11 years now. here are some things I find helpful for dealing with the situation.

1. do not talk to him about anything except for the kids. If that don't go well only talk to him in text, e mail or hand him a note with what he needs to know
2. ask to exchange in the lobby of the police if need be
3. no matter how mad he makes u or hurts u do not ever let him know.
4. always make exchange short and sweet give the kids a quick good buy and leave handing a note with all info he needs helps with this
5. document everything even keep copies of the notes you give him of get a cheap note book and use it as a communication log

Take charge of this and take your life back more than likely its a control issue on his part

stick with the orders to keep the situation under control

 

[SESmama]

OP, stick to the court order . There is a reason that the NCP was told to celebrate the birthdays on his time and not yours. He has time the following day. He can celebrate then.

 

[nocontact]

Thank you!

Thank you for your responses and support. I will stick to the court orders and follow it to a T.

I no longer communicate with the ex except by email, and only about the kids. He has resorted to going to my mother's workplace with the kids on his weekends to harass her. He's also been going and sitting in my church lot (as in, the church I attend) for no particular reason. I didn't even know about it until I was driving by and unexpectedly saw his car in the lot, 2 minutes from my home. (Yes, I realize I could be overreacting, but considering he works in a different city (20 minutes away) and lives in another city (45 minutes away), I don't know what he is doing in "my neighborhood" in the middle of the week.) Unfortunately, there is nothing I could do about that as they are "public" places. However, he's doing a good job getting under my skin, and I'm doing all I can to maintain that stoic face and pretend none of it bothers me.

Holy mackerel...I have another 16 years of this to deal with, which means I'll probably be here for advice until things finally settle down, if ever.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your responses and support. I will stick to the court orders and follow it to a T.

I no longer communicate with the ex except by email, and only about the kids. He has resorted to going to my mother's workplace with the kids on his weekends to harass her. He's also been going and sitting in my church lot (as in, the church I attend) for no particular reason. I didn't even know about it until I was driving by and unexpectedly saw his car in the lot, 2 minutes from my home. (Yes, I realize I could be overreacting, but considering he works in a different city (20 minutes away) and lives in another city (45 minutes away), I don't know what he is doing in "my neighborhood" in the middle of the week.) Unfortunately, there is nothing I could do about that as they are "public" places. However, he's doing a good job getting under my skin, and I'm doing all I can to maintain that stoic face and pretend none of it bothers me.

Holy mackerel...I have another 16 years of this to deal with, which means I'll probably be here for advice until things finally settle down, if ever.

I would really recommend that you get some counseling if you are not already doing that. It will help you cope with your very difficult ex...and help you view him with pity and/or amusement rather than letting him get under your skin.

 

[cheesecake46580]

I would really recommend that you get some counseling if you are not already doing that. It will help you cope with your very difficult ex...and help you view him with pity and/or amusement rather than letting him get under your skin.

Yes counseling will help keep you sane I have went on and off during the past 12 years to help me keep my sanity!

 

[SESmama]

And keep ignoring him. He will eventually give up when he gets no reactions. He is like a child that is whining.

 

[nocontact]

More court trouble...thoughts? help, please...and thank you in advance

Hi, I am back...

My ex is taking me back to court for more time with the kids and less child support. Our last time was in February of this year. He claims he will be going to school (again), so he won't be able to work as many hours, and therefore won't be able to provide as much support.

Right now, he sees the kids for 5 hours each on weekend days for all but one weekend of the month. He wants to extend these visits to 8.5 hours each. In addition, he wants the kids on their birthdays and also on Holy Days of worship.

Also, he wants joint legal custody (again), claiming that he doesn't know where our older son goes to school, and that I won't tell him (he didn't ask either). However, our son is just continuing school at the SAME place where he attended pre-school. Am I supposed to tell him every year when he is still attending the same place? I have notified father of every school report and medical report thus far. Should I just send him an email now?

Advice?

on a side, a few weeks ago, my older son told me in passing that father "touches [his] pee-pee all the time." (He had just come out of the pool and while I was changing him, I was talking to him about good touches and bad touches (not the first time). I told him only he and doctors are supposed to touch his private areas. I told him not even mommies or daddies should touch his private area because that is his private area. That's when he gave me a quizzical look and responded.) When I asked further, he clamped up and didn't want to say any more. My feeling is he didn't want to get his dad in trouble, so I dropped the subject. I did schedule an appointment with the therapist but he hasn't said much to her either... I just continue to teach him about good touches and bad touches. To be honest, they do seem to have fun with their father (as they should) but I just don't know what to make of this, either...I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill; at the same time, I don't want to just say it is nothing if there might be something. Is there something more I should do?