Ex wants joint custody of a child he has only willingly seen twice?

[mayuriinabox]

I didn't give any responses other than schooling and that I thought it was a but much for a toddler.
My argument overall is stability. The child should be able to call one house 'home'.. not have moms house and dads house.. 'my house'. And loads of research I've found. Considering guardian ad litem, but not sure. But I'm really trying to figure this all out.

 

[Proserpina]

I didn't give any responses other than schooling and that I thought it was a but much for a toddler.
My argument overall is stability. The child should be able to call one house 'home'.. not have moms house and dads house.. 'my house'. And loads of research I've found. Considering guardian ad litem, but not sure. But I'm really trying to figure this all out.

The reality is that children very often grow up having two homes.

It's up to the parents to ensure the child feels like they're safe and sound wherever they are.

 

[gam]

I didn't give any responses other than schooling and that I thought it was a but much for a toddler.
My argument overall is stability. The child should be able to call one house 'home'.. not have moms house and dads house.. 'my house'. And loads of research I've found. Considering guardian ad litem, but not sure. But I'm really trying to figure this all out.

I've read your comment several times about "my house", I first took it to mean one thing, but then I can see a different way you might have meant that to.

A child in a split situation has 2 homes, there is no way around that, at least not when 2 parents are around and taking time with the child. 2 homes, 2 separate parents, 2 sets of rules, 2 sets of belongings. No matter how much you make those homes similar, the fact is he has 2 homes and those 2 homes will always be slightly different. Those 2 homes could be way different to. It does not matter if he is in one home 80% and the other 20%, he has 2 homes. He needs to be told he has 2 homes, and he needs to know that is perfectly normal, and ok to have. Being told he has one home, will make him feel like a visitor in his other home, will make him feel that parent is less then his other parent, will not leave him with that warm fuzzy secure feeling in his other home.

Now if you meant that the other way I was able to see, find a different way to say it, so it is not confused with the other way I said. Otherwise in front of court professionals, it could be taken way wrong. Stability is a good argument, but it has boundaries to stay in. Stability in a parents thinking is always more then a court sees it in split situations.

 

[mayuriinabox]

I've read your comment several times about "my house", I first took it to mean one thing, but then I can see a different way you might have meant that to.

A child in a split situation has 2 homes, there is no way around that, at least not when 2 parents are around and taking time with the child. 2 homes, 2 separate parents, 2 sets of rules, 2 sets of belongings. No matter how much you make those homes similar, the fact is he has 2 homes and those 2 homes will always be slightly different. Those 2 homes could be way different to. It does not matter if he is in one home 80% and the other 20%, he has 2 homes. He needs to be told he has 2 homes, and he needs to know that is perfectly normal, and ok to have. Being told he has one home, will make him feel like a visitor in his other home, will make him feel that parent is less then his other parent, will not leave him with that warm fuzzy secure feeling in his other home.

Now if you meant that the other way I was able to see, find a different way to say it, so it is not confused with the other way I said. Otherwise in front of court professionals, it could be taken way wrong. Stability is a good argument, but it has boundaries to stay in. Stability in a parents thinking is always more then a court sees it in split situations.

I meant it as in the child saying it's his home. The home he spends most the time in. I realize that he will have two homes between the two parents... but as he gets older.. I do worry that he will feel as if neither home is HIS actual home because he is stuck between the two. I understand the home away from home thing but I do feel he should be able to call one house (most likely mine, since I have been the primary care taker and he will be going to school here in my county) HIS house. Instead of "oh, yea.. I am at moms house today and then dads house tomorrow"... I'm not sure how to word it.

I don't want him to think the other parent is any less his parent or that the other house isn't his home also, I just want him to feel like HE has a home- not moms house and dads house. Does that make sense?

Stability.. they want to hire a private tutor when the child goes into headstart and pre-k for weeks he would be there. (Ideally every other week in full is what they want now. They changed their mind. ) I do not agree to that. That would be way too much change every week and private tutoring may not coincide with the actual curriculum of pre-k and headstart. I had my mind blown at that meeting. The wife was already talking about getting the child a passport and going out of country and all. Talk about deep breaths. I'm proud of myself. I didn't say anything I didn't want and I didn't agree to anything crazy. And I didn't say anything out of line or show that she was ticking me off.

 

[Silverplum]

I meant it as in the child saying it's his home. The home he spends most the time in. I realize that he will have two homes between the two parents... but as he gets older.. I do worry that he will feel as if neither home is HIS actual home because he is stuck between the two. I understand the home away from home thing but I do feel he should be able to call one house (most likely mine, since I have been the primary care taker and he will be going to school here in my county) HIS house. Instead of "oh, yea.. I am at moms house today and then dads house tomorrow"... I'm not sure how to word it.

I don't want him to think the other parent is any less his parent or that the other house isn't his home also, I just want him to feel like HE has a home- not moms house and dads house. Does that make sense?

Sure. But what you want and what is reality are two different cookies. He has two homes. It'll never be any different for him.

I strongly suggest you get some books on coparenting in split situations to help you be the best coparent you can be.

Stability.. they want to hire a private tutor when the child goes into headstart and pre-k for weeks he would be there. (Ideally every other week in full is what they want now. They changed their mind. ) I do not agree to that. That would be way too much change every week and private tutoring may not coincide with the actual curriculum of pre-k and headstart. I had my mind blown at that meeting. The wife was already talking about getting the child a passport and going out of country and all. Talk about deep breaths. I'm proud of myself. I didn't say anything I didn't want and I didn't agree to anything crazy. And I didn't say anything out of line or show that she was ticking me off.

Get used to dealing with her. As I recall, she's the mother of your son's half-brother. Ideally, make friends with her.

 

[mayuriinabox]

Sure. But what you want and what is reality are two different cookies. He has two homes. It'll never be any different for him.

I strongly suggest you get some books on coparenting in split situations to help you be the best coparent you can be.


Get used to dealing with her. As I recall, she's the mother of your son's half-brother. Ideally, make friends with her.

I guess so.
I think she and I could be friends, but the father won't allow it. He's very controlling and he's afraid I might give his craziness away. People who see them together say he treats her just as bad as he treated me.. He most likely doesn't want her to wise up to this.

And right now.. I don't think is the right time for her to be talking about any of this. Passports and whatnot.. Thats WAY off. WAY WAY WAY off. If she doesn't have a say legally, then right now she should stay out of it. When it is all over, I would be more than happy to talk to her about that kind of stuff. It started ticking me off when she was telling me what would be best for the child. "As a child that was raised in homeschool with a private tutor.. I can say that would be best."
No.. Not necessarily.
Sigh... I'll just make sure she isn't in mediation next time. I am wondering if they were trying to make me slip up.

 

[LdiJ]

I didn't give any responses other than schooling and that I thought it was a but much for a toddler.
My argument overall is stability. The child should be able to call one house 'home'.. not have moms house and dads house.. 'my house'. And loads of research I've found. Considering guardian ad litem, but not sure. But I'm really trying to figure this all out.

There are a lot of child experts, and laypeople too who strongly believe that a child should have one place to call "home". Others feel very strongly in the opposite.

I have known many children in 50/50 situations and to be quite frank, most of then hated it. They felt like visitors in BOTH homes, particularly when they had other siblings in the home(s) who did not have to switch. One family I knew did it very well, and it seemed to work out well until the kids got to be older teens, and then they didn't want it anymore.

 

[mayuriinabox]

There are a lot of child experts, and laypeople too who strongly believe that a child should have one place to call "home". Others feel very strongly in the opposite.

I have known many children in 50/50 situations and to be quite frank, most of then hated it. They felt like visitors in BOTH homes, particularly when they had other siblings in the home(s) who did not have to switch. One family I knew did it very well, and it seemed to work out well until the kids got to be older teens, and then they didn't want it anymore.

That's what I am worried about. I love structure and I love things to be organized and things to be stable because my life was pretty off-the-wall for a while myself. (Both parents laid off within a year, made for some fun times. ) I want stability for the child.

I did have something to ask that is personal.. and I do need advice on it.

When I was with the father.. He used to hack all of my accounts and read everything, even watch as I talked to people on facebook- would delete posts he didn't like and would fuss me out for it later.
If I didn't answer my phone at midnight, he would show up at 1.
He would make me take pictures of where I was with a piece of paper with the date and time on it to prove it. (Even though I was bed-ridden from injury and could not leave for MONTHS)
Would hack into a friends account and pose as her so I would stay with him with 'her' advice.
He threatened suicide twice because I wouldn't stay the night with him. (He lived with his grandma and I lived with my parents. I just didn't think it was a good idea) He would take my phone and keys and then lock himself in a room with a gun until I gave in and the second time.. he left my keys and phone with me so I called 911 (he was driving off.. he had me in the car when I was pregnant at first, posing a serious threat.. cause he was speeding and it was raining ) and he made me tell the cops I didn't know where the gun was. (When he was gone, I told them).
He showed up at my job several times (at a bakery) and got mad if I "took too long" going to the back freezer looking for things I needed. He would harass me at work constantly. Sit at a table and stare. For forever.
Another time when I was pregnant.. he got mad at me and drove again in the rain, speeding, sliding everywhere.. yelling at me. He caught me trying to record him- I wanted to get out by then. Several times before I was pregnant, I wanted to jump out of the car because it would have just been so much easier. (felt like it) But this time.. I hyperventilated to the point where I almost had to go to the hospital. He didn't stop until I almost passed out.
When I went to the free care center.. He said he wanted to stay home because he had work later.. so I went with my sister. They don't allow phones in the center, so mine was off. Mid ultrasound, he barges into the center demanding to see me. Then he yells at me for not answering my phone.
Did the same thing the second time. Except this time, they told him that since we were discussing medical things, he couldn't come in. He got mad and paced outside the door where I was for over an hour.. then yelled at me and lectured me.
I left after he told me he would rather sign off rights than pay child support. :/
That was the final straw.
He stalked me after that, too. Then his new girlfriend. I kept coming back because of all the promises and I was scared he was going to do something.


All this being said.. Legal aid here doesn't help people in my situation. I guess because I don't have much proof? He deleted just about everything. New things, I have.
Where he threatened to take the baby away from me, etc.
It's not so much that it is about ME.. its about what he is capable of- the lengths he goes to control. He does the same things to his 'best' friend (although, the friend got married and is now wising up to his ways.) and his wife.

How would I prove any of this without it absolutely seeming like I have a grudge? I honestly am afraid that something will happen.

 

[Ohiogal]

That's what I am worried about. I love structure and I love things to be organized and things to be stable because my life was pretty off-the-wall for a while myself. (Both parents laid off within a year, made for some fun times. ) I want stability for the child.

I did have something to ask that is personal.. and I do need advice on it.

When I was with the father.. He used to hack all of my accounts and read everything, even watch as I talked to people on facebook- would delete posts he didn't like and would fuss me out for it later.
If I didn't answer my phone at midnight, he would show up at 1.
He would make me take pictures of where I was with a piece of paper with the date and time on it to prove it. (Even though I was bed-ridden from injury and could not leave for MONTHS)
Would hack into a friends account and pose as her so I would stay with him with 'her' advice.
He threatened suicide twice because I wouldn't stay the night with him. (He lived with his grandma and I lived with my parents. I just didn't think it was a good idea) He would take my phone and keys and then lock himself in a room with a gun until I gave in and the second time.. he left my keys and phone with me so I called 911 (he was driving off.. he had me in the car when I was pregnant at first, posing a serious threat.. cause he was speeding and it was raining ) and he made me tell the cops I didn't know where the gun was. (When he was gone, I told them).
He showed up at my job several times (at a bakery) and got mad if I "took too long" going to the back freezer looking for things I needed. He would harass me at work constantly. Sit at a table and stare. For forever.
Another time when I was pregnant.. he got mad at me and drove again in the rain, speeding, sliding everywhere.. yelling at me. He caught me trying to record him- I wanted to get out by then. Several times before I was pregnant, I wanted to jump out of the car because it would have just been so much easier. (felt like it) But this time.. I hyperventilated to the point where I almost had to go to the hospital. He didn't stop until I almost passed out.
When I went to the free care center.. He said he wanted to stay home because he had work later.. so I went with my sister. They don't allow phones in the center, so mine was off. Mid ultrasound, he barges into the center demanding to see me. Then he yells at me for not answering my phone.
Did the same thing the second time. Except this time, they told him that since we were discussing medical things, he couldn't come in. He got mad and paced outside the door where I was for over an hour.. then yelled at me and lectured me.
I left after he told me he would rather sign off rights than pay child support. :/
That was the final straw.
He stalked me after that, too. Then his new girlfriend. I kept coming back because of all the promises and I was scared he was going to do something.


All this being said.. Legal aid here doesn't help people in my situation. I guess because I don't have much proof? He deleted just about everything. New things, I have.
Where he threatened to take the baby away from me, etc.
It's not so much that it is about ME.. its about what he is capable of- the lengths he goes to control. He does the same things to his 'best' friend (although, the friend got married and is now wising up to his ways.) and his wife.

How would I prove any of this without it absolutely seeming like I have a grudge? I honestly am afraid that something will happen.

If you didn't want to see like you had a grudge, you would have reported it as it was happening. You would not have stuck with him. You would not have continued the relationship. Unless you were continuously reporting things, then you have nothing really that will show that you bringing up the allegations is something more than an ex being bitter.

As for you wanting your child to have a stable residence -- you should have waited to have a baby then until you were in a stable relationship. That would not be a guarantee but it would have been a way of moving closer to your child having a stable life. You didn't. Now you expect things your way. The child is going to have two homes. End of story.

 

[stealth2]

That's what I am worried about. I love structure and I love things to be organized and things to be stable because my life was pretty off-the-wall for a while myself. (Both parents laid off within a year, made for some fun times. ) I want stability for the child.

I did have something to ask that is personal.. and I do need advice on it.

When I was with the father.. He used to hack all of my accounts and read everything, even watch as I talked to people on facebook- would delete posts he didn't like and would fuss me out for it later.
If I didn't answer my phone at midnight, he would show up at 1.
He would make me take pictures of where I was with a piece of paper with the date and time on it to prove it. (Even though I was bed-ridden from injury and could not leave for MONTHS)
Would hack into a friends account and pose as her so I would stay with him with 'her' advice.
He threatened suicide twice because I wouldn't stay the night with him. (He lived with his grandma and I lived with my parents. I just didn't think it was a good idea) He would take my phone and keys and then lock himself in a room with a gun until I gave in and the second time.. he left my keys and phone with me so I called 911 (he was driving off.. he had me in the car when I was pregnant at first, posing a serious threat.. cause he was speeding and it was raining ) and he made me tell the cops I didn't know where the gun was. (When he was gone, I told them).
He showed up at my job several times (at a bakery) and got mad if I "took too long" going to the back freezer looking for things I needed. He would harass me at work constantly. Sit at a table and stare. For forever.
Another time when I was pregnant.. he got mad at me and drove again in the rain, speeding, sliding everywhere.. yelling at me. He caught me trying to record him- I wanted to get out by then. Several times before I was pregnant, I wanted to jump out of the car because it would have just been so much easier. (felt like it) But this time.. I hyperventilated to the point where I almost had to go to the hospital. He didn't stop until I almost passed out.
When I went to the free care center.. He said he wanted to stay home because he had work later.. so I went with my sister. They don't allow phones in the center, so mine was off. Mid ultrasound, he barges into the center demanding to see me. Then he yells at me for not answering my phone.
Did the same thing the second time. Except this time, they told him that since we were discussing medical things, he couldn't come in. He got mad and paced outside the door where I was for over an hour.. then yelled at me and lectured me.
I left after he told me he would rather sign off rights than pay child support. :/
That was the final straw.
He stalked me after that, too. Then his new girlfriend. I kept coming back because of all the promises and I was scared he was going to do something.


All this being said.. Legal aid here doesn't help people in my situation. I guess because I don't have much proof? He deleted just about everything. New things, I have.
Where he threatened to take the baby away from me, etc.
It's not so much that it is about ME.. its about what he is capable of- the lengths he goes to control. He does the same things to his 'best' friend (although, the friend got married and is now wising up to his ways.) and his wife.

How would I prove any of this without it absolutely seeming like I have a grudge? I honestly am afraid that something will happen.

I really have to wonder how concerning any of this could be, given that it took 8 pages and over two weeks for you to bring up... Seriously makes it look like you're trying to figure out what to throw at the wall to see if it will stick...

 

[mayuriinabox]

I really have to wonder how concerning any of this could be, given that it took 8 pages and over two weeks for you to bring up... Seriously makes it look like you're trying to figure out what to throw at the wall to see if it will stick...

It did happen. I mentioned it previously but did not go in depth.. The friend who's account he hacked still has the emails about the messages (he deleted them from the actual facebook), we still have text messages.. and there is a suicide attempt report.
I posted it because those are some of the reasons that I waited so long to even file for child support.

As to why I stayed in the relationship.. I stayed for the same reasons other people stay in those relationships. My mother was in bad health (and passed a few months after) and we had some other bad things happen.. so I really wanted someone to take me out of it. I got what I thought I needed at first.. and then it went south. I don't need to be lectured on why I stayed with him because I have already been through it countless times. I know what I did. And I know I should have waited until I was in a stable relationship to have a child.. and I don't want to say the child was an accident (which, he wasn't planned at all) because I don't feel that way. I left that relationship SEVERAL times. I always got the same sob story. At one point I left for a few months.. he was nice then sad then angry that he wouldn't get his way. I came back because he swore up and down that he was different.

That being said.. it took me 8 pages because I've been told constantly that records like facebook are hearsay and whatnot and that you shouldn't include the problems with the relationship in the custody hearing. Like I said, IT HAS BEEN MENTIONED before. The original post, I wanted actual advice.. not what I get when I usually tell someone what happened- "OMG, you should never let him near the baby!".. because yea, that doesn't help.

I'm finally exhausted and really trying to figure out what to do. I've been researching and talking with lawyers constantly for a good while now.. And by posting more information, I was hoping to know if anything else might be available. It's not for sympathy- don't want it and don't need it. Now.. from a LEGAL standpoint (not personal), would anything have any effect in court? (There is proof of just about everything but him driving like crazy and hiding all my stuff. )

 

[Just Blue]

It did happen. I mentioned it previously but did not go in depth.. The friend who's account he hacked still has the emails about the messages (he deleted them from the actual facebook), we still have text messages.. and there is a suicide attempt report.
I posted it because those are some of the reasons that I waited so long to even file for child support.

As to why I stayed in the relationship.. I stayed for the same reasons other people stay in those relationships. My mother was in bad health (and passed a few months after) and we had some other bad things happen.. so I really wanted someone to take me out of it. I got what I thought I needed at first.. and then it went south. I don't need to be lectured on why I stayed with him because I have already been through it countless times. I know what I did. And I know I should have waited until I was in a stable relationship to have a child.. and I don't want to say the child was an accident (which, he wasn't planned at all) because I don't feel that way. I left that relationship SEVERAL times. I always got the same sob story. At one point I left for a few months.. he was nice then sad then angry that he wouldn't get his way. I came back because he swore up and down that he was different.

That being said.. it took me 8 pages because I've been told constantly that records like facebook are hearsay and whatnot and that you shouldn't include the problems with the relationship in the custody hearing. Like I said, IT HAS BEEN MENTIONED before. The original post, I wanted actual advice.. not what I get when I usually tell someone what happened- "OMG, you should never let him near the baby!".. because yea, that doesn't help.

I'm finally exhausted and really trying to figure out what to do. I've been researching and talking with lawyers constantly for a good while now.. And by posting more information, I was hoping to know if anything else might be available. It's not for sympathy- don't want it and don't need it. Now.. from a LEGAL standpoint (not personal), would anything have any effect in court? (There is proof of just about everything but him driving like crazy and hiding all my stuff. )

How about these two words:

Grow up!

 

[mayuriinabox]

How about these two words:

Grow up!

Ugh, nevermind. I thought it might provide more insight as to why I was fighting it so hard. Like I said, I mentioned it before. I grew up after I got out of that mess. I have a beautiful son and I take care of him. I'm sorry you'd rather criticize me than give helpful advice. If I didn't think it was relevant, Id never have mentioned it.

 

[gam]

All that stuff had do with you, not the child. What has he done to the child? Just cause one is abusive to you, does not mean they will be abusive to the child. As far as the child goes, if there has never been anything done to the child, then the court will look at it as an issue between you and dad. Dad still will get time with the child.

As far as research you have done and studies you have found about a child needing 1 home, well the courts do not hold much weight in that stuff. Fact is the court looks at it as a split situation, each parent gets time with the child, most often both parents get overnights. That makes the child have 2 HOMES. There is no way around that fact, dad is gonna get time, and most likely dad will get at least joint legal and dad will get overnights(if your lucky you will get a graduated plan to introduce those overnights). So your child will be going between 2 homes, just like the million other children out there do, that is how the courts see it.

Your choice to make the child feel he has 1 home and just visits the other parent or that he has 2 homes, 1 with you and 1 with dad. But going to court or working something out yourself with dad, still is going to make that child go between 2 homes anyways.

The ones giving you advice here don't make these rules, the court does, so you must take your parenting ideas and start changing those ideas. Rare that anyone in this comes out with exactly what they want or what their ideas are. 2 parents, 1 child, that must be shared to whatever the court tells you.

 

[mayuriinabox]

continued.

My ex filed for joint custody shortly after I filed for child support a little over two years ago. I was awarded full custody due to his non involvement previously.. here we are.. our son is almost 4. His father has not taken ANY of his summer visitation.. three weeks each year.. for either year. Visitation has been hit or miss.. always asking to switch and in most cases just doesn't show. The past three months he rarely sends a message or responds to messages I send about him picking our son up.. he will wait until last minute or after pick up time to say he's not coming and will not say why. He's done it again today. Our son is 3 and has started to ask where daddy is. The father will pay child support (not according to the courts schedule but decided on his own) and I'm going to give the case to CSS and just have them collect it because he will wait until midnight to show up and make a scene at my apartment. Is there a such thing as parental abandonment when the father with visitation chooses not to see his child for months? Advice?