Can't force child to abort baby?

[c0rd]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

I am being told by an OBGYN that my FOURTEEN year-old daughter would have to consent to an abortion.

She is a minor. I am the parent and she is the child. This should be within my rights. Is the doctor lying to me because she doesn't want to do the procedure or is this reality?

What are my options as a parent? My fourteen year-old is not having a baby and she's not staying with her low life boyfriend. She isn't allowed to hang around with him in the first place and I don't want him in her life. He's too old for her (17) and I do not like him. He's a bad apple and a bad influence.

 

[CTU]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

I am being told by an OBGYN that my FOURTEEN year-old daughter would have to consent to an abortion.

She is a minor. I am the parent and she is the child. This should be within my rights. Is the doctor lying to me because she doesn't want to do the procedure or is this reality?

That is true, thankfully. You cannot force the child to have an abortion, and you cannot force the child to place her child for adoption either.

Her reproductive choices are hers to make, not yours.

 

[CdwJava]

If you have not yet discovered, parents have all the legal responsibility, but very little of the decision-making capability when it comes to medical decisions involving a child's reproductive rights. Heck, in some states you can't even find out about procedures of any kind.

You will have to work with her on what will be happening, and work harder to control her activities so that she does not continue to make poor decisions.

 

[c0rd]

She is a very difficult child. She fights me about everything. Simple things like making dinner, getting her to eat and buying clothes are hard. Her sister is an angel so I don't know why it's like this. She has resented me since I adopted her and her biological sister. I tried so hard but I think their bio parents didn't have any rules because as soon as I started to tell her what to do and give her chores, it was over. I know it's not me because her sister reacted very well and is very happy with me.

I don't know what to do. I have tried everything. I work from home and I don't take my eyes off of her.

If she has the baby that would mean that this boy will stay in our lives and she's not even allowed to see him. He's too old for her. He's 17. I don't even know where she met him and she won't tell me anything. He has a lot of piercings and some tattoos and he smokes cigarettes.

She has been skipping school to go see him because I've been keeping a close eye on her when she's at home. He buys her inappropriate clothing that she's not allowed to have and she'll come home with black lipstick and nail polish on sometimes and weird clothes with holes and zippers all over them. My girls are only allowed to have their ears pierced once like normal young ladies but she keeps putting extra holes in hers and she even pierced her own nose. I make her take them out and she keeps doing it again.

Sometimes, she climbs out her second story window at night while I'm asleep and she comes back in at six or seven in the morning. I don't know what I can do. Her psychologist even says that I'm doing everything I can.

What are my options? If she has the baby, how do I keep this man away from my family?

 

[Ohiogal]

She is a very difficult child. She fights me about everything. Simple things like making dinner, getting her to eat and buying clothes are hard. Her sister is an angel so I don't know why it's like this. She has resented me since I adopted her and her biological sister. I tried so hard but I think their bio parents didn't have any rules because as soon as I started to tell her what to do and give her chores, it was over. I know it's not me because her sister reacted very well and is very happy with me.

I don't know what to do. I have tried everything. I work from home and I don't take my eyes off of her.

If she has the baby that would mean that this boy will stay in our lives and she's not even allowed to see him. He's too old for her. He's 17. I don't even know where she met him and she won't tell me anything. He has a lot of piercings and some tattoos and he smokes cigarettes.

She has been skipping school to go see him because I've been keeping a close eye on her when she's at home. He buys her inappropriate clothing that she's not allowed to have and she'll come home with black lipstick and nail polish on sometimes and weird clothes with holes and zippers all over them. My girls are only allowed to have their ears pierced once like normal young ladies but she keeps putting extra holes in hers and she even pierced her own nose. I make her take them out and she keeps doing it again.

Sometimes, she climbs out her second story window at night while I'm asleep and she comes back in at six or seven in the morning. I don't know what I can do. Her psychologist even says that I'm doing everything I can.

What are my options? If she has the baby, how do I keep this man away from my family?

She is a teenager. You seem to think that this is NOT your fault and it is all about her bio parents. HER sister is an angel? No wonder she resents you. Because that attitude probably comes through loud and clear how you favor her sister and her sister is the favorite child. Thankfully, this child can't be forced to abort. Nor do you have ANY say over this child's child once she gives birth. Change your attitude and try loving BOTH your daughters and not playing the favored child card.

 

[stealth2]

A couple of questions, and then some thoughts as a parent whose kids made it through the teen years (relatively) unscathed.

How old is the younger sister? How old were each of them when you adopted them? What do they call you? Do you have other kids? If so, genders and ages? Biological or also adopted?

What *I* found as the parent of teens is that one must choose battles carefully. Some things are just not worth fighting - clothes, hair, lipstick/nail color, for example. Most of that is a phase and done specifically to get a rise out of you. YOU choose how to react. I always figured hair grows out, etc. Clothes choices - have YOU gone shopping with her and let her show you what HER taste is? No one said daughters must like the same things their parents do. The key is to help her find clothes that, even if you don't like her choices, fit her and help her feel better about herself.

I bet you don't like her music, either. Have you tried to listen to it? Like.... the lyrics? I found that, when I took the time to actually listen to the words (vs the "noise"), the meaning tended to be quite deep. Interestingly, my *mother* (in her 70's at the time) asked to listen to my oldest's music and found the same. (And BTW, I am not fond of the music my parents like, either LOL)

Friends of either gender.... I wasn't always fond of the kids mine befriended. Whether as friends or as girl/boyfriends. But I felt that knowing the kids, their names, who they really were as people was important enough for me to open my door to them. First impressions are not always accurate - whether they are good or bad. Some of the best-dressed, well-off, "nice" boys/men (or girls/women) really aren't. While many with tats, piercings, etc. would give their all to help. Invite him in. He IS (apparently) the father of your grandchild, and he will have rights should he choose to exercise them. You can't stop that.

As for your daughters only having ear piercings as "normal young ladies" do. I grew up hearing about how "young ladies" behave, what they do for "fun" and what they wear. It was a misery, and while I wasn't overtly rebellious, I had my moments. My main rebellion? Was when I had kids of my own - I threw all the claptrap I was brought up with out the window and raised my kids *my* way. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I raised two darn fine adults.

The long and the short of it is this - when you show acceptance, you hold more sway in other areas. If your daughter felt she had some level of control over her life (*), she might be more compliant in others.

(*) And she now has found a situation that you have NO control of. You cannot force her to abort or adopt out the child. While you can restrict Dad's access to his child IN your home, you cannot get him out of your grandchild's life.

Now, I'm not saying you're a bad Mom by any means. It's hard, even more so when it's a child you receive into your home at an older age, I'd imagine. Acceptance is key. Giving her some control over her life. Our kids don't always turn out as we expect them to (LOL the folks here know how well I know that!), but when we love them, we accept who they are.

It's not too late for you and your girls, not even your 14yo. Now is the time to mend the broken bonds. You can tell her that, while you regret some of her choices, you also regret some of yours. And that you'd like to start over in this new phase of your lives - her as a Mom and you as a GrandMom (and sister as an aunt!). That a baby - an innocent child - is never a "mistake" (and no, I am not a pro-lifer). But you all - as a family - are being given a gift. Tell her that you'd like Dad to join you for dinner, so that you can get to know him and the three of you can discuss life going forward. You'd like to get to know him. Tell her that you want be there for them as much as you can. But most of all? Tell her you love her and always will.

I bet that baby will melt your heart when you meet him/her.

ETA I may have other thoughts once you answer my questions.

 

[Ohiogal]

A couple of questions, and then some thoughts as a parent whose kids made it through the teen years (relatively) unscathed.

How old is the younger sister? How old were each of them when you adopted them? What do they call you? Do you have other kids? If so, genders and ages? Biological or also adopted?

What *I* found as the parent of teens is that one must choose battles carefully. Some things are just not worth fighting - clothes, hair, lipstick/nail color, for example. Most of that is a phase and done specifically to get a rise out of you. YOU choose how to react. I always figured hair grows out, etc. Clothes choices - have YOU gone shopping with her and let her show you what HER taste is? No one said daughters must like the same things their parents do. The key is to help her find clothes that, even if you don't like her choices, fit her and help her feel better about herself.

I bet you don't like her music, either. Have you tried to listen to it? Like.... the lyrics? I found that, when I took the time to actually listen to the words (vs the "noise"), the meaning tended to be quite deep. Interestingly, my *mother* (in her 70's at the time) asked to listen to my oldest's music and found the same. (And BTW, I am not fond of the music my parents like, either LOL)

Friends of either gender.... I wasn't always fond of the kids mine befriended. Whether as friends or as girl/boyfriends. But I felt that knowing the kids, their names, who they really were as people was important enough for me to open my door to them. First impressions are not always accurate - whether they are good or bad. Some of the best-dressed, well-off, "nice" boys/men (or girls/women) really aren't. While many with tats, piercings, etc. would give their all to help. Invite him in. He IS (apparently) the father of your grandchild, and he will have rights should he choose to exercise them. You can't stop that.

As for your daughters only having ear piercings as "normal young ladies" do. I grew up hearing about how "young ladies" behave, what they do for "fun" and what they wear. It was a misery, and while I wasn't overtly rebellious, I had my moments. My main rebellion? Was when I had kids of my own - I threw all the claptrap I was brought up with out the window and raised my kids *my* way. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I raised two darn fine adults.

The long and the short of it is this - when you show acceptance, you hold more sway in other areas. If your daughter felt she had some level of control over her life (*), she might be more compliant in others.

(*) And she now has found a situation that you have NO control of. You cannot force her to abort or adopt out the child. While you can restrict Dad's access to his child IN your home, you cannot get him out of your grandchild's life.

Now, I'm not saying you're a bad Mom by any means. It's hard, even more so when it's a child you receive into your home at an older age, I'd imagine. Acceptance is key. Giving her some control over her life. Our kids don't always turn out as we expect them to (LOL the folks here know how well I know that!), but when we love them, we accept who they are.

It's not too late for you and your girls, not even your 14yo. Now is the time to mend the broken bonds. You can tell her that, while you regret some of her choices, you also regret some of yours. And that you'd like to start over in this new phase of your lives - her as a Mom and you as a GrandMom (and sister as an aunt!). That a baby - an innocent child - is never a "mistake" (and no, I am not a pro-lifer). But you all - as a family - are being given a gift. Tell her that you'd like Dad to join you for dinner, so that you can get to know him and the three of you can discuss life going forward. You'd like to get to know him. Tell her that you want be there for them as much as you can. But most of all? Tell her you love her and always will.

I bet that baby will melt your heart when you meet him/her.

ETA I may have other thoughts once you answer my questions.

I NEED MY LIKE BUTTON.


Bravo!

 

[c0rd]

Stealth2,

First, thank you for your very kind, insightful and non-judgmental response. You sound like a great mom.

I am actually a dad, not a mom. I lost my wife many years ago. She and I always wanted a big family and we had six biological children before I lost her.

All of my biological children were nearly grown and the youngest was sixteen or seventeen when I took these two in. All six of my biological children also got through their teen years unscathed. My youngest is 26 (M), then 27 (F), my twins (my wife and I were blessed) are 29 (M), 32 (F), 35 (M). They all have families of their own and I am a very lucky grandpa. All of my children were quick to accept the new girls into the family.

When I adopted the girls the 14 year-old was a month away from six and her sister was about to celebrate her 7th birthday so her sister is actually older by about a year.

These two come from a long and complicated mess. Their biological mother was a dear friend of mine but a friend with a lot of vices. She was a wonderful person but because of her substance abuse, she had mood swings and was even abusive at times. Their biological father, I’d rather not talk about. According to the younger sister, he was a great and loving dad but it’s hard for me to believe that when he was an abusive husband and an evil person.

The sisters spent a lot of their lives separated because dad favored the younger one and she would primarily live with him while the older daughter lived with mom.

These two spent most of their children’s lives in a long, messy and sometimes even violent custody battle but somehow, dad went to spend life in prison for manslaughter and mom won custody in the end but she really couldn’t handle it.

I tried to help mom and provide the girls with some stability when she was off the rails so I was already closer to the older sister when they came into my home because I spent a lot of time with her since she was about three years old and very little in comparison with her younger sister.

Mom surrendered legal custody to me because CPS was all over there lives and there was a great possibility that she was going to lose them. She was homeless sometimes and there were some charges for prostitution and child abuse but the details were foggy because mom didn’t always want to share them. It was messy. They already spent a lot of time living with me on and off. She told me that I was better for them. I didn’t disagree but I advocated for her to go to rehab and get her life together but she never did.

When the girls were first living with me, mom maintained her relationship with them. She was around often and she would compliment how well they’re doing. Then, she started to disappear and we saw less and less of her. It has been over a year, maybe close to two years since I’ve seen her. She was in very bad shape then and I am afraid to think about where she might be now because she still is very dear to me.

When I got the girls, I let them take a week off of school to adjust and we did a lot of fun things and family outings to get to know each other better and so that I could get to know the younger sister better. As soon as it was time to go back to school and start living life, we started running into trouble.

The younger sister was fighting me every step of the way. She didn’t want to wake up early because mommy and daddy let her wake up at the last minute and run out the door. She didn’t want to go to bed at eight because bedtime with her dad was at midnight and mom didn’t have a bedtime at all. She didn’t want to wear pajamas because mom and dad let her sleep in her clothes. She wouldn’t brush her hair because it hurts. She wouldn’t brush her teeth because toothpaste tastes bad. She wouldn’t take a shower because she wanted a bath with green or blue water(?) instead.

Chores were like pulling teeth. She’d always lie and say she didn’t have homework when she did. Her psychologist said she was acting out because she wanted to be back with her biological father but that was impossible so we did what we could. I tried. I swear to God, I tried but it kept getting worse. When I took her for her first haircut in 2 years, she jumped out of my moving car on the way there. I was able to brake enough so she didn’t get hurt and then I had to put my car in park in the middle of the street and run after her. When she was five or maybe six years old, she ran away, just walked out the front door and the police found her trying to walk back to her bio dad’s old house. The tantrums were awful. We tried medication but it didn’t help.

I say it’s not me because I’m raising them the same way I raised all six of my biological children and they all came out fine and her sister even responded to the transition just fine. I’ve tried so hard and I am just at the end of my rope. Still, she fights me when we buy clothes, when it’s time for haircuts, when it’s time to do homework, when it’s time for church, when it’s time to do chores and even bed time. If she doesn’t like what we’re having for dinner, she won’t even eat. I think she’s anorexic but they won’t diagnose her because she eats fine when she’s in the psych ward.

My girls pick out their own clothes but I make sure they’re school appropriate and not all black. If it were up to her, she’d be wearing all black. I do compromise and let her have some black. They aren’t allowed to listen to music that swears and we don’t have radios or music playing in the house often. I don’t think she likes music.

Neither of them has a lot of friends. Her sister’s friends are normal and they mostly spend time together at school. I run a business out of my home and my girls help me a lot so we spend a lot of time together. We eat breakfast and dinner together every day (when I can find the youngest) and we go to church as a family every Sunday (when I can find her).

I asked her for her boyfriend’s phone number and she won’t give it to me. I asked for her boyfriend’s parents numbers or their address and she won’t give it to me. I don’t even know how to get in touch with him. I don't know where to start. Her sister doesn't know how to get in touch with him either.

 

[c0rd]

I forgot to answer part of your question. Her sister calls me dad or daddy. She calls me by my first name.

She is very angry that her sister calls me dad because she says that they have a dad and I am not him. It breaks my heart but I told her that she can call me dad when she feels like she's ready. That was 7 or 8 years ago and she still calls me by my first name.

 

[Zigner]

I forgot to answer part of your question. Her sister calls me dad or daddy. She calls me by my first name.

She is very angry that her sister calls me dad because she says that they have a dad and I am not him. It breaks my heart but I told her that she can call me dad when she feels like she's ready. That was 7 or 8 years ago and she still calls me by my first name.

When did you begin counseling/therapy for the child(ren) and the family?

 

[c0rd]

When did you begin counseling/therapy for the child(ren) and the family?

They came to me with a psychologist. We've continued individual and family sessions with the same one that they saw when they were with their biological parents so he's been there since the beginning.

They both see the social worker at school, too.

 

[Zigner]

I know it's a bit of hindsight now, but you may want to look at a new therapist since the current one doesn't seem too effective...

 

[Just Blue]

I know it's a bit of hindsight now, but you may want to look at a new therapist since the current one doesn't seem too effective...

^^ditto^^

****************************......

 

[Ohiogal]

Mom surrendered legal custody but when did you actually ADOPT these children?

Mom surrendered legal custody to me because CPS was all over there lives and there was a great possibility that she was going to lose them.

That is not adoption. If you didn't adopt them then you are NOT their father.

I say it’s not me because I’m raising them the same way I raised all six of my biological children and they all came out fine and her sister even responded to the transition just fine.

I would say it is you because children aren't all the same and they don't respond all the same. You haven't adapted your parenting style to her. You expect her to do all the adapting. And now you expect her to abort her child or you want to force her to do so. Do you realize how much harm that would put on her?

 

[Ohiogal]

You also need to realize what I stated. You are playing the favored child card. Her sister does nothing wrong. Her sister doesn't fight you. Her sister dresses the way you want her to do so. Her sister .. her sister... her sister... This child doesn't stand a chance to live up to what you want from her because she is NOT her sister. She is her own person and you don't see that. You see her as trouble. And if she would just do things your way it would be better. How many times did you tell her to abort her child? How many times did you state she SHOULD do that? Did you ever ask her what she wanted to do? Or did you just tell her?