Child With ADHD and Parents That Don't Agree

[Hd1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I am dad. Our son is in 7th grade, for the past few years his behavior has been cycling within each year from cooperative and engaged to very disruptive with plummeting grades in school and loss of interest in at extracurricular activities. He has been suspended once each year at school and has exceeded 25 detentions. We had him evaluated for ADHD in third grade and he was diagnosed with ADHD. He has a 504 plan at school related to this.

Mom and I share equal parenting time, week on week off, and it has been this way since he was two, he is now thirteen. This was written in to a court order along with joint custody eleven years ago.

Mom and I do not get along which makes navigating this behavior cycle difficult for him and adds to the challenge. Our son comes from her house exhausted, unable to maintain a conversation, very impulsive, and irritable which is the source of many of his challenges socially and I see how this weighs on him and then impacts his grades, interest in extracurricular activities, and gets him into trouble. It sometimes takes days for him to recover from being at his mom's and then these characteristics diminish. Things that help him recover are getting rest, helping him manage his screen time (especially video games), and encouraging him to be involved around the house and with other kids in the neighborhood.

His mom and I have tried to work together to create a more consistent environment for him but I kind of got stabbed in the back from it. After the doctor emphasized what triggers this behavior, we managed to agreed on setting consistent limitations at both houses related to what triggers his ADHD but then it turns out that she didn't hold her end of the agreement and made a deal with him to not tell me. It ends up that he holds a grudge against me as being the the strict parent.

To sum this up and ask a question. Our son is having challenges related to ADHD, he comes from his mom's house very impulsive and exhausted. This is damaging his self esteem, hurting his social development, and I see it sending him down a dangerous path. Trying to work together with mom on this has backfired multiple times which has affected my relationship with him. Is any of this grounds to increase my parenting time? If so, what would this path look like? Alternatively, are there any suggestions on how to navigate this to help our son without further damaging my relationship with him?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I am dad. Our son is in 7th grade, for the past few years his behavior has been cycling within each year from cooperative and engaged to very disruptive with plummeting grades in school and loss of interest in at extracurricular activities. He has been suspended once each year at school and has exceeded 25 detentions. We had him evaluated for ADHD in third grade and he was diagnosed with ADHD. He has a 504 plan at school related to this.

Mom and I share equal parenting time, week on week off, and it has been this way since he was two, he is now thirteen. This was written in to a court order along with joint custody eleven years ago.

Mom and I do not get along which makes navigating this behavior cycle difficult for him and adds to the challenge. Our son comes from her house exhausted, unable to maintain a conversation, very impulsive, and irritable which is the source of many of his challenges socially and I see how this weighs on him and then impacts his grades, interest in extracurricular activities, and gets him into trouble. It sometimes takes days for him to recover from being at his mom's and then these characteristics diminish. Things that help him recover are getting rest, helping him manage his screen time (especially video games), and encouraging him to be involved around the house and with other kids in the neighborhood.

His mom and I have tried to work together to create a more consistent environment for him but I kind of got stabbed in the back from it. After the doctor emphasized what triggers this behavior, we managed to agreed on setting consistent limitations at both houses related to what triggers his ADHD but then it turns out that she didn't hold her end of the agreement and made a deal with him to not tell me. It ends up that he holds a grudge against me as being the the strict parent.

To sum this up and ask a question. Our son is having challenges related to ADHD, he comes from his mom's house very impulsive and exhausted. This is damaging his self esteem, hurting his social development, and I see it sending him down a dangerous path. Trying to work together with mom on this has backfired multiple times which has affected my relationship with him. Is any of this grounds to increase my parenting time? If so, what would this path look like? Alternatively, are there any suggestions on how to navigate this to help our son without further damaging my relationship with him?

I see you as being a bit between a rock and a hard place. While I can sympathize with your desire to give your son a more consistent structure due to his ADHD it also sounds like his medication might need to be adjusted. In addition, you have not described anything specific that is happening at mom's house that might make it be unsuitable for your son. You have to understand that a court is not going to take away mom's parenting time just because you and she disagree. You have to be able to articulate true harm to the child and you have to be able to do it in very specific terms rather than vaguer ones.

I also see you having a problem doing any of that without doing more damage to the relationship between you and your son. Apparently he already has a bit of a grunge against you and even attempting to do something like that will of course make it worse.

I really think that you should consider counseling for him as well as a possible adjustment of his meds.

 

[t74]

Be aware that he might have unidentified learning disabilities that become more of a problem as he gets older. I found that a neuropsyc exam was much different than the testing done for ADHD by the developmental pediatrician. Please do not assume that his diagnosis will not evolve as he ages.

I speak as the parent of a high IQ 40 year old with AHDH (diagnosed at age 3) with some skills stuck at the level of an 11 year old and an auditory processing LD. His school problems were no where as severe as you report. (His university experiences were awful, but that is another story.)

 

[Zigner]

The cycles also sound like a possible bipolar disorder. Please have your son reevaluated. (I do understand that this really doesn't address your question - sorry.)

 

[HRZ]

AS an aside to your question, for a child with significant special needs an IEP may offer better protections for a longer term as to his specific needs for an appropriate education , not a 504 plan.

I simply do not know if limits on use of video games can be addressed in an IEP but I'd sure look into same ..if that's a real issue .

 

[Zigner]

AS an aside to your question, for a child with significant special needs an IEP may offer better protections for a longer term as to his specific needs for an appropriate education , not a 504 plan.

I'm with you so far.

I simply do not know if limits on use of video games can be addressed in an IEP but I'd sure look into same ..if that's a real issue .

An IEP won't control what happens at the other parent's house.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

Here is a brief summary of the differences in an IEP and a 504 plan. https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/special-services/504-plan/the-difference-between-ieps-and-504-plans

And neither will have any power over what happens at either home.

 

[quincy]

Here is a brief summary of the differences in an IEP and a 504 plan.

And neither will have any power over what happens at either home.

Very short summary ...

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

Yes but it is better than just throwing letters and numbers around that the OP may or may not understand. The key is that neither are going to have squat to do with what happens at home, either of them.

 

[quincy]

Yes but it is better than just throwing letters and numbers around that the OP may or may not understand. The key is that neither are going to have squat to do with what happens at home, either of them.

Ahhh. I now see what you were doing in your post. Clever.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

Ahhh. I now see what you were doing in your post. Clever.

Not so clever. I just realised that I forgot to include the URL for the summary.

 

[Zigner]

Yes but it is better than just throwing letters and numbers around that the OP may or may not understand. The key is that neither are going to have squat to do with what happens at home, either of them.

I don't disagree.

However..

If, after ~4 years, the OP doesn't understand the difference(s) and the use(s) of a 504 plan vs. an IEP, then the OP needs to hit the books (so to speak). The differences may seem minor, but they may be very important to the services the child can receive.

Again, as we both said, neither affects how the parent parents in his or her own home.

 

[Zigner]

Not so clever. I just realised that I forgot to include the URL for the summary.

Both Q and I thought that the white space WAS the summary

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

I get that and it would have been clever if I had written here is the summary of the effect of the IEP or 540 at home. _________________________________________________________________________

 

[quincy]

Not so clever. I just realised that I forgot to include the URL for the summary.

I personally would have stuck with "clever" - - but thanks for providing the link.