Custody question

[Zigner]

If he's asking for residential treatment, then he's asking for more intensive treatment.
I'm a bit surprised that the therapist is passing along confidential information to you.

 

[Just Blue]

No. He has never asked for more intensive treatment. He just repeats the same stuff over and over per the therapist. He doesn't meet criteria for residential. Per his therapist and I agree. I am a therapist myself.

What kind of therapist are you?

 

[tsdaughe]

"I discussed this recommendation with our son's therapist and he agreed. His therapist has also stated our son isn't a risk to his step brothers as his dad and SM are alleging."

SM is in a far better situation to view the interactions between son and step-brothers than a therapist who likely has information filtered through your perspective. Her children should not be put at risk from a child with demonstrated problems.

You all have a difficult situation to deal with. What is not helping is your apparent conflict with SM. She is acting as a single parent while dad is away of her two children and your troubled ones. You mention only your children in your household. If you have no step-children involved with your son, you have no concept of the problems she is facing.

This is not about you - or even your children. The people that MUST be protected first and foremost in this situation are her children who have nothing to do with the issues your children are facing.

Me and SM usually get along just fine. The therapist information isn't filtered through my perspective. Its based on history ie behaviors and treatment, my reports and dads reports. Our son has never been remotely inappropriate around his step siblings and the week before court spent an extended weekend with his step siblings and SM's mother.
I understand the position SM is in which is why I pitch in with appointments and in any other way I can. When it was me who had both kids fulltime trust me no such help was given. I have told her on multiple occasions I value her in my daughters life and all her help and I understand as a mom she is in a difficult spot. That's one reason I ultimately agreed to the court agreement we have now because I didn't want her to be in a position that I have been in as a mother and because I was under the impression that my ex was going to be back as promised and five weeks so the limited visitation would be short-lived.
As far as overnights while dad's gone, I am not as concerned about those because I know I can't make her take our son any longer than she already does. I am more wanting to see the therapist recommendations for a weekly family dinner be implemented and myself having to pay for hotels so I can exercise my visitation with our daughter while their dad is away on orders be factored in as an expense.

 

[tsdaughe]

What kind of therapist are you?

Clinical Social Worker. Trauma. Intensive In-home. Specialize in children.

 

[t74]

Your daughter in ASC implies SM is also working.

The evening schedule is really difficult with dealing with just the two children involved. Add in the other children in the family and it becomes a horrendous logistical problem. The step-children are not factored into your consideration at all. You are extremely selfish not to consider them at all in your diatribe.

Stop criticizing dad not being there. The military determines where he will be at any given time. It is his service that is paying child support and, perhaps, providing health insurance for your children. I know of individuals who remain in the service simply because the health care that their child can receive through the military health program is far superior - and much more affordable - than what is available working in the private sector.

There are at least FOUR children in this combined family, and you are more concerned about you and yours. Shame on you!

 

[not2cleverRed]

If he's asking for residential treatment, then he's asking for more intensive treatment.
I'm a bit surprised that the therapist is passing along confidential information to you.

Dad thinks the boy should be in a home for juvenile delinquents, or in an institutionalized setting.

Dad does not want a setting specific to the child's special needs. Dad was very against the private school catering to autistic students, and insisted that the son stay in public school.

 

[Just Blue]

Clinical Social Worker. Trauma. Intensive In-home. Specialize in children.

Per your posting here, IMO, your children are not receiving the proper psychological help. Have you considered placing them with a Child Psychologists that specializes in their particular needs (Son with SO and ASD specialist)?

 

[tsdaughe]

What exactly is your daughters Dx?

Pediatric acute onset neuropsychiatric syndrome. In relation she has an autoimmune disorder that makes it so her body doesn't fight off respiratory infections which for her causes neuropsych issues. She also has an OCD diagnosis. We are going to be testing further just to make sure no other psych issues have been missed due to her poor focus and concentration. She is on paxil and abilify but also takes daily antibiotics as her mycoplasma infection levels are high.

 

[t74]

Step-siblings should not have to be subjected to the weekly family dinners which you want so much. What are they supposed to do?

With your DD's diagnosis, SM is should be granted sainthood for taking on the health and psyc challenges.

 

[Just Blue]

Step-siblings should not have to be subjected to the weekly family dinners which you want so much. What are they supposed to do?

The dinners are for OP and her children. Not the steps. They are to "repair" the sibling bond between OP's son and daughter due to son sexual inappropriate behavior with daughter. Reading is fundamental T.

 

[tsdaughe]

Per your posting here, IMO, your children are not receiving the proper psychological help. Have you considered placing them with a Child Psychologists that specializes in their particular needs (Son with SO and ASD specialist)?

My son is seeing a psychologist whom specializes in autism and trauma and is a CSOTP. But it's only been 8 weeks so we have a long road. I really liked his initial therapist and he regressed when I was forced to change the 1st time but can't change that. I have questioned my daughters therapists skills and asked multiple times for a different therapist but dad refuses to change and is all about her. Well except her recent recommendations. Basically, whenever our son is seeing a therapist once they get to know his father and see everything through their own eyes when they address those issue with him and make it evident that he has parenting skills that need to be changed he will stop participating and start pushing for another therapist.

 

[t74]

OP, You are being so magnanimous in taking YOU DD to the doctor for SM.

Where will you be if SM decides to trow in the towel and divorce dad? I would have run the other way long ago in the situation you have described.

 

[tsdaughe]

Step-siblings should not have to be subjected to the weekly family dinners which you want so much. What are they supposed to do?

With your DD's diagnosis, SM is should be granted sainthood for taking on the health and psyc challenges.

Sorry, I should have been specific, the family dinners would be me and my husband ie step dad and my daughter and my son. Not stepmom or her children. Honestly, I don't think they realized what they were in store for as through the court process, when I talked about her significant issues in our home such as the aggression and her OCD and anxiety and her academic challenges, it was their belief that it's because I'm a bad parent and that's all. So, I know through therapy sessions and conversations that step mom has had to face the same stuff that I had to deal with and the sheer amount of time it takes to assist my daughter with things like academics because of her issues. This is her doing much better because she is back on antibiotics. Without them she gets so bad she gets to the point where she could easily be admitted to an in-patient facility or even residential.

 

[Just Blue]

OP, You are being so magnanimous in taking YOU DD to the doctor for SM.

Where will you be if SM decides to trow in the towel and divorce dad? I would have run the other way long ago in the situation you have described.

Stop it T.

 

[stealth2]

Your daughter in ASC implies SM is also working.

The evening schedule is really difficult with dealing with just the two children involved. Add in the other children in the family and it becomes a horrendous logistical problem. The step-children are not factored into your consideration at all. You are extremely selfish not to consider them at all in your diatribe.

Stop criticizing dad not being there. The military determines where he will be at any given time. It is his service that is paying child support and, perhaps, providing health insurance for your children. I know of individuals who remain in the service simply because the health care that their child can receive through the military health program is far superior - and much more affordable - than what is available working in the private sector.

There are at least FOUR children in this combined family, and you are more concerned about you and yours. Shame on you!

I'm going to agree with some parts and disagree with others. Evening schedules CAN be difficult as essentially a single parent, especially when working. We didn't normally eat until at least 8pm, often later. In terms of HW, I would be surprised if kiddo's school doesn't have some tutoring options after school - whether by teachers, aides or peers. Both of my kids were peer tutors, which went towards their community service requirements.

I can see the frustration wrt Dad's absence, given that he knew he would be away longer than he indicated. I think we all understand that being in the military imposes restrictions, but it's kind of unfair to say "oh, I'll be gone for six weeks" when you know it's going to be more like nine months (assuming Dad did actually know that).

As for SM's kids and OP's concern (or lack thereof)? Meh. I'd be more focused on my own kids, tbh.