Ex threatens will never know my baby

[distressed1990]

I'm in California, she's in Hawaii, and she's threatening to move to Canada

I have been on again, off again with my ex. She came to visit in August, and got pregnant. We were planning on her moving back out here and making things work between us, and with the addition of the upcoming baby, we were thrilled. Then she started telling me she felt too unstable to be in a relationship, and too unstable to make the jump to CA to set up a life here. She was on the fence about an abortion too. Then she dumped me.

Now she's in HI, pregnant with my child, and saying that she's moving to Canada with her (equally mentally unstable) mother and that I will never know my child, and she or he will never know me.

I know that the geography makes this hard. But if she moved to Canada, would that make this impossible? I know I chose this woman, but the baby is an innocent and I just want to be part of his or her life. I know that until the baby is born, it's her body and her choice, but once he or she is born, can I file some kind of motion to establish paternity and child support and visitation, while forcing her to stay put and not move out of country?

She has an ex husband and 4 year old already, with whom she shares 50/50 custody. If she bailed north, she would be abandoning her other child as well... I also have endless texts of her suicidal thoughts and bizarre behavior, which scares me in regards to her being the only caregiver to a new baby.

I am so lost, and so far away...

 

[commentator]

From the way this sounds, you are also wildly addicted to a bad relationship with a very unstable woman. Your getting her pregnant in the midst of the madness was slightly irresponsible on your part, but from here on out, you must move forward and accept responsibility. When you say, " I just want to be part of his or her life," I'm sorry, its not your concern for the baby I'm feeling there. I want you to be very sure and committed to this child you have conceived with her in an effort to cement your relationship. When you express all this concern, it seems like you are talking about this crazy woman who has you so enthralled, NOT the child yet.

"Now she's in HI, pregnant with my child, and saying that she's moving to Canada...I will never know my child, and she or he will never know me."

Please consider that she is away from you, and this COULD possibly be complete bull#$%@, and the woman could be either whuffing you about the pregnancy or have aborted it already. People WILL lie to you.

I suggest counseling for you, first of all, good legal counsel. Speak with a family law attorney about how to proceed. May on here will be able to give you better counsel about the legal aspects of this situation. But in the meantime, it does sound like you have a serious addictive unhealthy connection to this woman, and you are allowing it to control you. You must get some perspective and think about how best to deal with this situation if indeed there IS a situation here.

 

[distressed1990]

I understand my part in the irresponsible behavior, and with all of this latest drama being directed at me, the drive to make it work is fading. I have healing to do, but this is not about me and the ex anymore. It’s a crushing thought that there might be a child of mine out in the world that I have no connection with. Even that sounds selfish, but I am absolutely ready and willing to take responsibility for this child and was very much looking forward to his or her arrival.

Meanwhile, it’s occured to me that she is lying her face off. Or already terminated the pregnancy. These are possibilities but are not relevant to my questions.

I’m trying to prep now in the case that she does deliver the baby, and is seriously considering moving out of the country. I need help in these respects. Please help with these aspects if you’re able and willing.

 

[LdiJ]

I understand my part in the irresponsible behavior, and with all of this latest drama being directed at me, the drive to make it work is fading. I have healing to do, but this is not about me and the ex anymore. It’s a crushing thought that there might be a child of mine out in the world that I have no connection with. Even that sounds selfish, but I am absolutely ready and willing to take responsibility for this child and was very much looking forward to his or her arrival.

Meanwhile, it’s occured to me that she is lying her face off. Or already terminated the pregnancy. These are possibilities but are not relevant to my questions.

I’m trying to prep now in the case that she does deliver the baby, and is seriously considering moving out of the country. I need help in these respects. Please help with these aspects if you’re able and willing.

Is she legally able to live in Canada? Is she a dual citizen?

 

[distressed1990]

Is she legally able to live in Canada? Is she a dual citizen?

No, not that I'm aware of... I guess I should look up that process and see how likely that might be.

She apparently has family there... that's why her mom was thinking of moving there.

 

[commentator]

Whoa here. I just read your post again. She came to visit in August. It's now September. She's what? Two or three weeks pregnant? Honestly, I don't think you have a real problem here, but even if you do, you're going to have to pace yourself in all your emotional distress, because you're going to have a long time to wait to see what she does, even if she is indeed pregnant with your baby. Next May is a long time away.

 

[distressed1990]

Whoa here. I just read your post again. She came to visit in August. It's now September. She's what? Two or three weeks pregnant? Honestly, I don't think you have a real problem here, but even if you do, you're going to have to pace yourself in all your emotional distress, because you're going to have a long time to wait to see what she does, even if she is indeed pregnant with your baby. Next May is a long time away.

I appreciate your comments in the spirit in which they're given @commentator but you haven't even touched on the questions I've asked. IF she has the baby, can I initiate a paternity test/visitation/support order in either CA or HI, and can I put something in place that restricts her from leaving the country? If she somehow moves to Canada or somewhere out of the US, is my child beyond my reach and legal orders?

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

You are talking about a multi-state and multinational legal issue and we don't "do" Canadian law here. It would not surprise me in the least if there a treaty between the US and Canada dealing with this situation but you will need to deal with a lawyer before you do.

What I believe @commentator may have been getting at is that she may not even have ever been pregnant or that if she is the child isn't yours and she is more than 2 or 3 weeks pregnant.

 

[Zigner]

I'll throw out another thing: Mom-to-be is in a VERY emotional state. Take a breath...take a few breaths...then be super nice no matter what. Her threats now don't necessarily mean anything.

 

[Just Blue]

I'll throw out another thing: Mom-to-be is in a VERY emotional state. Take a breath...take a few breaths...then be super nice no matter what. Her threats now don't necessarily mean anything.

I love that you said that, Zig. Too many men don't realize/appreciate the hormonal chaos women go through in the first trimester.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Whoa here. I just read your post again. She came to visit in August. It's now September. She's what? Two or three weeks pregnant? Honestly, I don't think you have a real problem here, but even if you do, you're going to have to pace yourself in all your emotional distress, because you're going to have a long time to wait to see what she does, even if she is indeed pregnant with your baby. Next May is a long time away.

I appreciate your comments in the spirit in which they're given @commentator but you haven't even touched on the questions I've asked. IF she has the baby, can I initiate a paternity test/visitation/support order in either CA or HI, and can I put something in place that restricts her from leaving the country? If she somehow moves to Canada or somewhere out of the US, is my child beyond my reach and legal orders?

This is a hypothetical. You have no control over what she does, should she happen to actually be pregnant, and you can do nothing legally about a hypothetical child. You can only establish paternity after the child is born.

If your hypothetical actual is born then you can:
Establish paternity through a court ordered paternity test where the child and mother are.
Petition for parenting time (visitation/custody).
How much parenting time you can reasonably expect to have is based on a multitude of factors. A long distance parenting plan inherently means less parenting time.

I believe Canada is Hague Convention country.

 

[distressed1990]

I'm trying desperately to avoid an "If I'd only known..." or a "had I only acted sooner" situation. Right now I have all her contact info and where she works, lives, etc... I don't know if I have any ability to find her or enforce a court order of whatever flavor on her if she changes everything and drops off the face of the earth.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm trying desperately to avoid an "If I'd only known..." or a "had I only acted sooner" situation. Right now I have all her contact info and where she works, lives, etc... I don't know if I have any ability to find her or enforce a court order of whatever flavor on her if she changes everything and drops off the face of the earth.

I understand how you feel, but its just reality that there is nothing you can do until the baby is born. Do not assume the worst. I suspect that she will eventually want child support and you will find her that way, if a baby is actually born.

 

[cbg]

RIGHT NOW she can go anywhere she wants to that it is legal for her to be and you cannot force her to keep in contact. If she wants to drop off the face of the earth she can do so. She is not accountable to you and you do not own her OR any potential contents of her womb.

AFTER the alleged baby is born (assuming there is one) AND you are legally established as the father, THEN you can enforce a court order, once you get one, requiring that she make the child accessible to you.

But for the next nine months? You gifted her your swimmers, pal, and they're hers to do what she wants with until they re-emerge in a more evolved form. If this means that you don't know where she is, if she's pregnant, when the baby is born or your biological connection with it, well, that's what happens when you don't wear your raincoat.

ETA: I commend you on your concern for the child and desire to be part of his life, don't get me wrong. But you don't HAVE a child until there IS a child AND the court says so. Until then the mother is not bound by your concerns.

 

[commentator]

"I'm trying desperately..."

Yes, yes, I know, you only want a modicum of strictly legal advice, preferably something you want to hear that will enable you to continue to massage this whole situation/thought process in the hamster wheel of your anxious thoughts. But as you have been told above, there is no real situation until about next April or May. If then.