Deadbeat father please help

[Paseone8982]

Pennsylvania Is my state.

So here is little background. My son is 10 years old and his father has been in and out of his life. His father has never had his life together either living with his girlfriends or his friends or brothers and sisters.

In year 2017 he has disapeared from my sons life for a year. Was addicted to drugs and was getting his life together supposely. Well he came back arond early in year 2018 .

Randomly called and said he wanted to get back in his life etc... Well he ended up actually getting his own place first time in his life (he is 44 years old) and got some type of job with someone who helped him with finding his place.

Now Little background about him to be more correct about situation. Lets just say in early ages he ended up getting felony for stealing cars and other shenenighans so he lost license as well as spending some time in jail.

Now i gave him and got his father back in his life. I was thinking that now he has life together etc. It will be great for him to be back in his life as well. So everything went okay in 2018 till about july when he supposely ended up losing electricity at his appartment. I still went around and let him see him because i knew that it was a good thing for fatther to be involved. There even were times when i had to give him food to take with him so they have stuff to eat while my son stays over. My husband has been there and always supporting me in that. Well the winter went around and my sons father had no electricity and no heat. Well He somehow pulled electrc cord from hallway outside of his appartment to plug in a heater. So I still let my son stay there .

Meanwhile during all these times i agreed for 250 a month child support without taking him to the court because he said he would end up going to jail. WEll he never really paid but i went with it. Here and there he would throw 20 or 60 bucks when i dropped off my son.

now early this year he got thrown out of the appartment and screwed his job up as well because of his lousy way of beeing able to take orders from manager or owner of the work. Since early this year (2019) He has been staying at his brothers place on a couch . I still let him see my son here and there etc. I told myself ill give him some time to get his shit togethere again. Well we have been asking for months to start paying child support that 250 a month .. On top of it we are driving the son there and back here he has no way to transport himself or son. Now we are at the point wherer we are enough because conversation came up and we told him that there is sheetz
hiring for 13 bucks an hour. He said on the phone that he is bellow working in sheetz. Meanwhile we been waiting since february this month for him to get life together. Thinking he just cant find work etc but he wont just work any job he just picks to be on his brothers couch and mooch off of them . Now there is many people living in his brothers house as well. Now on top of it he even lost his cell phone that one of his ex girlfriend paid for for a month now. So I dont even have straight way to speak with him even when he has my son. He has not one time tell me here is some money for gas or here is boots or some clothes for our son. Nothing. This man just thinks that its all my responsibility for that. All i am asking for is 250 a month every month to avoid court systems for him so he has less to worry about. And now i found out that he doesnt even want to find job unless it suits his level of pay i guess. Doesnt matter he has been without job for a year. He never had legit job anyways Not like he receives unemplyement. And on top of it i forgot to mention. 3 months ago he beat up woman so bad they went to court and he had agrivation calsses set up that he is not even going to.

I really dont know what to do. I had my husband speak to him because i am really tired of always driving back and forth nothing getting out of it. And then not getting any child support no gas money now he doesnt even have cell phone or even his own room to stay in ...
I told him we can meet in court. But also i dont want to be woman who just drops of my son all the time and his father uses me all the time and i have gave him many many chances over years now.

I dont know why i had to always choose any job anything that would pay for food on table but he doesnt have to. Im just at a bad spot now because my son doesnt need to see his father who cant get his shit together and show him that way of living. That its accaptable.

Not even on top of it where my son comes back smelling like cigaretetes. And smelly

 

[bcr229]

Are there currently any court orders for custody, visitation, or child support?

 

[Paseone8982]

Are there currently any court orders for custody, visitation, or child support?

There is nothing in court systems. I didnt want to take him to court for child support so he doesnt get taken to the jail for stuff he was saying. So i didnt take him for child support. And no custody neither. He used to disapear from his life. But now i cant even get gas money out oof him or him even have a cell phone so i know my son is safe. But he is blowing my phone nad my husband phone and threatening us all.

 

[stealth2]

TL; DR 'cause, like, really.... write like an adult.

But.... w/o orders? Neither of you have to do anything.

 

[not2cleverRed]

There is nothing in court systems. I didnt want to take him to court for child support so he doesnt get taken to the jail for stuff he was saying. So i didnt take him for child support. And no custody neither. He used to disapear from his life. But now i cant even get gas money out oof him or him even have a cell phone so i know my son is safe. But he is blowing my phone nad my husband phone and threatening us all.

Then he is doing nothing wrong, legally, by not paying child support, because there is no court order for child support.

Please get yourself and your son in some sort of therapy/counselling.
You need therapy/counselling, because you are not thinking things through logically, and need to better understand good boundaries.
Your son needs therapy/counselling, because this chaos is unhealthy for him.

You do not need to tolerate threats. You can report credible threats to the police, and depending on the nature of those threats, request a no contact order.

You do not need to tolerate excessive, unnecessary communications.

And it would be useful to go to court, establish custody and paternity, and ask for therapeutic visitation (Dad and son together in therapy). You can ask that Dad prove that he's "clean" (assuming that you don't have drug issues yourself), not to put him jail, but to keep your child safe.

 

[Paseone8982]

TL; DR 'cause, like, really.... write like an adult.

But.... w/o orders? Neither of you have to do anything.

I apologize for the way I spelled the words

 

[stealth2]

I apologize for the way I spelled the words

The spelling wasn't the issue, tbh. Sorry.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

Let's keep one thing in mind that you didn't mention about the father of your child.

You decided to breed with him.

 

[Paseone8982]

Let's keep one thing in mind that you didn't mention about the father of your child.

You decided to breed with him.

Yes you are right and I was 17 years old and stupid and unfortunately he was 16 years older then me and fooled me that if not then then never we would have had kids .

 

[not2cleverRed]

Golly, it's really clear that you need psychological help.

Start taking life seriously.

Go t o court.
Establish paternity.
Establish custody.
Establish child support.

If Dad wants parenting time, he can go to Family Court and petition for it.
You can then counter that it is the best interest of the child to be in a drug free environment, and ask that Dad prove that he is clean.
Of course, he can ask the same of you.

Etcetera.

C.L.

 

[Sara Abrams]

I don't know what child support is like in Pennsylvania. In CA you take the issue to the local child support office and they handle it for you. My ex is a veteran and his disability can't be garnished. He also makes lots of money installing surveillance systems, but says he doesn't. So I'm SOL. I also hear he's dealing meth and heroin... but I don't see him reporting that income any time soon, either.

As for the custody issue, when my kids were spending almost half their time at my ex's flop house I had a whole host of concerns. They, too, came home reeking of cigarette smoke, they were sleeping on bare floors with no blankets/pillows, they told me that they hardly ever saw their dad because he was always in the "smoke room" with his friends, etc. My attorney told me none of this would matter- that judges have seen the worst of the worst. He said the kids could literally be left in a room all day with nothing but a bowl of rice and some water, and that they'd be considered "taken care of" and the courts would not intervene.

He was right. It wasn't until something really awful happened that the judge finally took action, but I didn't stop fighting, anyway. You MUST fight for your children's safety, and the fight must begin the moment you suspect they are in an unsafe situation. If you wait, even if you have a somewhat valid reason (want to establish sufficient evidence before bringing it to the court's attention), and CPS finds out about it, you risk being found guilty of failure to protect.

You can bring his criminal past to the court's attention, but it sounds like it was a long time ago. If so, it probably won't mean much to them. Understand that he WILL be given multiple chances to rise to the occasion of being a good parent. I am reminded of an instance when I informed the police that my ex was threatening to break into my house. I was basically told to let them know when it happened, as there was nothing they could do until then. Family court is a lot like that. "Let us know when the kids kids have been seriously harmed, then we'll help out". My experience only, of course.

I'm very tired, so forgive me if I didn't interpret your situation correctly, but from what I gathered you do not have visitation orders in place, and possibly don't even have paternity established? If so, I'd leave it all up to him. If he really is as troubled as you say, he likely won't have the perseverance it takes to go to all the trouble. But if you haven't already, start working on your paper trail. All communication via email whenever possible (courts like that best), text is next best option. Do not talk over phone EVER. Remember that every single message may be used in court someday, so control your tone. Never respond right away- give yourself at least an hour to ponder over how your response might come across to a judge.

You've got a lot of learning ahead of you. I'd suggest sitting in on some family court cases. I learned a lot from that.

Let's keep one thing in mind that you didn't mention about the father of your child.

You decided to breed with him.

Be prepared for this line of thinking. The courts will try to punish you (thereby, also punishing your children) for your choice to procreate with him. They will prioritize his "parental rights" over their safety. But you need to show them you won't.

Best of luck.

 

[Just Blue]

I don't know what child support is like in Pennsylvania.

Then you shouldn't be posting to this members thread. Your personal situation in Cali is irrelevant to this OP situation in Penn.


Now if you want to look up Penn law/statutes to assist...go for it.

 

[bcr229]

Has paternity been established? Is your son's father listed on the birth certificate?

 

[LdiJ]

There is nothing in court systems. I didnt want to take him to court for child support so he doesnt get taken to the jail for stuff he was saying. So i didnt take him for child support. And no custody neither. He used to disapear from his life. But now i cant even get gas money out oof him or him even have a cell phone so i know my son is safe. But he is blowing my phone nad my husband phone and threatening us all.

If there are no court orders, then you don't have to let him see the child either. That probably wouldn't be in the best interest of most children, but it would put the ball back into dad's court to get things legally established, which would include child support.

 

[Eekamouse]

Pennsylvania Is my state.

So here is little background. My son is 10 years old and his father has been in and out of his life. His father has never had his life together either living with his girlfriends or his friends or brothers and sisters.

In year 2017 he has disapeared from my sons life for a year. Was addicted to drugs and was getting his life together supposely. Well he came back arond early in year 2018 .

Randomly called and said he wanted to get back in his life etc... Well he ended up actually getting his own place first time in his life (he is 44 years old) and got some type of job with someone who helped him with finding his place.

Now Little background about him to be more correct about situation. Lets just say in early ages he ended up getting felony for stealing cars and other shenenighans so he lost license as well as spending some time in jail.

Now i gave him and got his father back in his life. I was thinking that now he has life together etc. It will be great for him to be back in his life as well. So everything went okay in 2018 till about july when he supposely ended up losing electricity at his appartment. I still went around and let him see him because i knew that it was a good thing for fatther to be involved. There even were times when i had to give him food to take with him so they have stuff to eat while my son stays over. My husband has been there and always supporting me in that. Well the winter went around and my sons father had no electricity and no heat. Well He somehow pulled electrc cord from hallway outside of his appartment to plug in a heater. So I still let my son stay there .

Meanwhile during all these times i agreed for 250 a month child support without taking him to the court because he said he would end up going to jail. WEll he never really paid but i went with it. Here and there he would throw 20 or 60 bucks when i dropped off my son.

now early this year he got thrown out of the appartment and screwed his job up as well because of his lousy way of beeing able to take orders from manager or owner of the work. Since early this year (2019) He has been staying at his brothers place on a couch . I still let him see my son here and there etc. I told myself ill give him some time to get his shit togethere again. Well we have been asking for months to start paying child support that 250 a month .. On top of it we are driving the son there and back here he has no way to transport himself or son. Now we are at the point wherer we are enough because conversation came up and we told him that there is sheetz
hiring for 13 bucks an hour. He said on the phone that he is bellow working in sheetz. Meanwhile we been waiting since february this month for him to get life together. Thinking he just cant find work etc but he wont just work any job he just picks to be on his brothers couch and mooch off of them . Now there is many people living in his brothers house as well. Now on top of it he even lost his cell phone that one of his ex girlfriend paid for for a month now. So I dont even have straight way to speak with him even when he has my son. He has not one time tell me here is some money for gas or here is boots or some clothes for our son. Nothing. This man just thinks that its all my responsibility for that. All i am asking for is 250 a month every month to avoid court systems for him so he has less to worry about. And now i found out that he doesnt even want to find job unless it suits his level of pay i guess. Doesnt matter he has been without job for a year. He never had legit job anyways Not like he receives unemplyement. And on top of it i forgot to mention. 3 months ago he beat up woman so bad they went to court and he had agrivation calsses set up that he is not even going to.

I really dont know what to do. I had my husband speak to him because i am really tired of always driving back and forth nothing getting out of it. And then not getting any child support no gas money now he doesnt even have cell phone or even his own room to stay in ...
I told him we can meet in court. But also i dont want to be woman who just drops of my son all the time and his father uses me all the time and i have gave him many many chances over years now.

I dont know why i had to always choose any job anything that would pay for food on table but he doesnt have to. Im just at a bad spot now because my son doesnt need to see his father who cant get his shit together and show him that way of living. That its accaptable.

Not even on top of it where my son comes back smelling like cigaretetes. And smelly

Luckily, this isn't about you. It's for your son who deserves to have his dad in his life, even if his dad isn't paying you the price for admission.