Visitation and feeling helpless

[Just Blue]

I think family therapy could also be useful for OP and her hubby.

If OP continues with her attitude, she really could end up losing parenting time.

I agree...what OP doesn't need is some newbie legitimizing her ridiculous, whiny complaints. With "hugs" no less.

 

[LdiJ]

I am in the state of Maryland.

Just background I am not with my daughters (She is 11 y/o) father. I got married back in 2016. I have established paternity child support etc back in 2010.

But in 2017 my daughter's father out of nowhere decided to take me to court for custody. He has not been present much if at all in my daughters life until I got married. We went to court. The courts made a visitation schedule for us. He gets her Friday evenings to Sunday evening every other week. They granted me physical custody. For him we share legal custody. The child support order made back in 2010 was not changed or anything (nor did I care about that). In the court case he said that I had denied him access to my daughter due to my marriage to my husband. There was never any proof that it occurred only speculation and that the fact that my husband is not a fan of him.

My husband has become even more vocal about the visitation the courts set up a couple years ago. I am not home during the times my daughters father is supposed to get her due to my work schedule. To avoid any confrontation or issues between the two men, I have my daughters father let me know when he's on the way or outside. I then communicate with my husband and he sends her outside.

My daughters father is sometimes very late picking her up and dropping her off. He does seldom communicate that he is running late etc. A month or so ago I told him that I need him to tell me more often when something happens etc. He so far has been doing that but inconsistently. My daughter has recently been more vocal about not liking to go with him. She states her reasons as she is bored, he doesn't interact with her, and that it is really awkward for her when it's just the two of them.

Recently, she has been injured when out with him last week to a swimming trip to a river. He wasn't aware that she was injured. When she came home, I noticed that she was limping and took her to her doctor. She had a contusion on her foot. She told me and the doctor that she was swimming and she noticed that it was getting too deep. She tried to get out of the river by using a rock. Instead she ended up hitting her foot on the rock. They gave her a cover for her foot. She still has it and now it is time for her to have a visit with her father again. After the doctors office, she let me know that she saw him smoking stuff that was not a cigarette. I was furious. He had a history of that back in high school.

I told him what happened. He felt bad about the situation. I did not mention the smoking. I told him that he has to be more aware of the situation. He also let me know that his mother's birthday is this weekend. I let him know that she is still in pain and if we could find a way to reschedule things. Next week will be my birthday as well. He is reluctant to switch and I feel trapped in this.

My questions are based on how my daughter has gotten injured can I deny him to pick her up this weekend? Can I go to the courts and get a change of custody or visitation? Do I even have a case? Does it matter that my daughter does not like going with him and does not feel comfortable at all? Would a judge listen to her tell them that? Any recommendations on this case.

No, you cannot deny him the right to pick her up for his weekend. A one time, minor injury is not a basis for a custody/visitation change. The fact that she is bored and uncomfortable is also not a reason either. It is however a reason to communicate with dad and give him some suggestions as to how to alleviate that problem. He might even want to consider asking her to invite a friend now and then.

 

[Zigner]

No, you cannot deny him the right to pick her up for his weekend. A one time, minor injury is not a basis for a custody/visitation change. The fact that she is bored and uncomfortable is also not a reason either. It is however a reason to communicate with dad and give him some suggestions as to how to alleviate that problem. He might even want to consider asking her to invite a friend now and then.

Or...maybe...this is a perfect opportunity to encourage her daughter to communicate more openly with her dad. That's much less of a "controlling" behavior.

 

[LdiJ]

Or...maybe...this is a perfect opportunity to encourage her daughter to communicate more openly with her dad. That's much less of a "controlling" behavior.

Do you really think its controlling to discuss it with dad and to give him suggestions? If he isn't interested in suggestions she can back off. I personally think its good co-parenting...so that things don't get even worse once she becomes a teenager.

 

[Zigner]

Do you really think its controlling to discuss it with dad and to give him suggestions? If he isn't interested in suggestions she can back off. I personally think its good co-parenting...so that things don't get even worse once she becomes a teenager.

In THIS situation, for THIS OP, yes, I think it's controlling. The OP can speak to her husband and let him know what the daughter has been saying (that's co-parenting), and the OP can offer to discuss strategies, but if dad refuses that offer, then she shouldn't push it.

 

[LdiJ]

In THIS situation, for THIS OP, yes, I think it's controlling. The OP can speak to her husband and let him know what the daughter has been saying (that's co-parenting), and the OP can offer to discuss strategies, but if dad refuses that offer, then she shouldn't push it.

I wasn't suggesting that she push it if dad wasn't receptive.

 

[Zigner]

I wasn't suggesting that she push it if dad wasn't receptive.

I know you weren't and our positions aren't too much apart, except that you suggested that she give advice and then stop if dad didn't like it while I am suggesting that she ask dad if he'd like some pointers before offering any advice.

 

[stealth2]

In THIS situation, for THIS OP, yes, I think it's controlling. The OP can speak to her husband and let him know what the daughter has been saying (that's co-parenting), and the OP can offer to discuss strategies, but if dad refuses that offer, then she shouldn't push it.

EX-husband.

 

[deroyalist23]

In THIS situation, for THIS OP, yes, I think it's controlling. The OP can speak to her husband and let him know what the daughter has been saying (that's co-parenting), and the OP can offer to discuss strategies, but if dad refuses that offer, then she shouldn't push it.

dad asked for suggestions. I gave them. I generally don’t interfere. He gets her he does whatever during his time and I don’t ask questions.

He has come to me on several occasions for ideas. The communication between me and the father has been fine in terms of any problems.

 

[deroyalist23]

OMG! She got a bruise on her foot!!! Please.

If she's bored? Suggest she... Read a book. Do homework. Listen to music. Help Dad with chores. It's what I told my kids when they complained of being bored - here or at their Dad's.

I asked dad what’s up. He said to me that he really doesn’t have things for her to sometimes due to him having to work during the visits.

he doesn’t have his own place. He rents a room so I don’t know what to suggest to him or her.

 

[LdiJ]

I asked dad what’s up. He said to me that he really doesn’t have things for her to sometimes due to him having to work during the visits.

he doesn’t have his own place. He rents a room so I don’t know what to suggest to him or her.

So where is she while he is working? Alone in his room? With her grandma? I can see why she might be uncomfortable if there is just one room. I could see why both of them might be a bit uncomfortable now that she is getting older.

 

[deroyalist23]

The thing is i don’t know whether or not she is alone a lot. she told me sometimes she’s there on her own with just tv. It’s hard to measure how often.

sometimes he takes her to his moms, my sisters, or his ex gf so she can play with kids on occasion.

she says the home where he rents a room has roommates. No other kids around. Mostly guys. My response to her is I understand that can be uncomfortable. I don’t care where he lives as long as she is safe. But being alone in a room for me in that scenario is the line. I haven’t spoken on that to him.

I’ve thought to get her a portable console like a DS to help but I don’t want to cause more issues with her communication with him.

 

[stealth2]

I asked dad what’s up. He said to me that he really doesn’t have things for her to sometimes due to him having to work during the visits.

he doesn’t have his own place. He rents a room so I don’t know what to suggest to him or her.

Well..... as above. A book. Music. Homework. Straightening up the room. You could suggest to Dad that you both figure out how to swap time around so he can have his parenting time when he doesn't work.

 

[deroyalist23]

Well..... as above. A book. Music. Homework. Straightening up the room. You could suggest to Dad that you both figure out how to swap time around so he can have his parenting time when he doesn't work.

Noted. His schedule is kinda weird due to retail but I can suggest that.

 

[Zigner]

EX-husband.

yep...oops