Spousal alimony

[Lookforward]

It's something you should thing about addressing in your divorce settlement.

I think you really should focus on the whole picture, and the kids should be at the center of that. I have no idea of what the debate on that issue is, but you look up what are considered somewhat standard parenting plans are in your area, and what will be in the best interest of the children.

Both parents should support children. I suspect that your custody dispute is feeding/contributing to the other dispute(s).

P.S. Post divorce you should update your will. Consider who you want to entrust with the kids$ until they are adults, should the worst happen. You might prefer a sibling over your STBX.

We are in the midst of resolving our child custody issue which, to be honest with you is not going well either.
STBX demands on the child custody issue are not realistic at all.

I am not sure if I would leave the money to any siblings or stbx i would create trust and leave it for the kids.
One thing I have learned from my ongoing divorce is not to trust anyone and never get married again but that's just me.

 

[not2cleverRed]

We are in the midst of resolving our child custody issue which, to be honest with you is not going well either.
STBX demands on the child custody issue are not realistic at all.

I am not sure if I would leave the money to any siblings or stbx i would create trust and leave it for the kids.
One thing I have learned from my ongoing divorce is not to trust anyone and never get married again but that's just me.

If the children are minors, who is going to control that trust? *That* is what I am trying to tell you to think about.

Don't get over-exercised by STBX's demands. Do your own research and with your lawyer come up with a reasonable offer of a settlement, based on state law, etc. Never expect to get everything you ask for. Prioritize what is important and what you can part with.

Believe me, if she's being unrealistic and unreasonable, you aren't the only one that she'll annoy. Judges don't like their time being wasted.

 

[stealth2]

Also remember - asking for more than you want is a solid negotiating strategy (for both sides). ALWAYS ask for more than you're willing to settle for.

 

[Lookforward]

If the children are minors, who is going to control that trust? *That* is what I am trying to tell you to think about.

Don't get over-exercised by STBX's demands. Do your own research and with your lawyer come up with a reasonable offer of a settlement, based on state law, etc. Never expect to get everything you ask for. Prioritize what is important and what you can part with.

Believe me, if she's being unrealistic and unreasonable, you aren't the only one that she'll annoy. Judges don't like their time being wasted.

Oh i see your point Red. I will keep that in mind.

Thank You for helping me understanding this simple yet important process

 

[LdiJ]

We are in the midst of resolving our child custody issue which, to be honest with you is not going well either.
STBX demands on the child custody issue are not realistic at all.

Just make sure that YOUR demands on the child custody are actually reasonable. A good percentage of the time it is both sides not being particularly reasonable.

 

[Lookforward]

I am asking for 50% she's asking for 80-90% like i think she wants me to see the kids every other Wednesday.

She just told me 2 days ago that she's ok with the kids spending the entire day with me as long as they can sleep with her in the night which once again makes no sense whatsoever. Its just not Doable.

 

[Zigner]

I am asking for 50% she's asking for 80-90% like i think she wants me to see the kids every other Wednesday.

She just told me 2 days ago that she's ok with the kids spending the entire day with me as long as they can sleep with her in the night which once again makes no sense whatsoever. Its just not Doable.

For IRS (and likely other) purposes, percentage of custody is determined by the number of nights the child spends with the parent. So, you could have them every day of the year, but drop them off to sleep at her house, and she would be the once considered to be the custodial parent for IRS purposes. I suspect she knows that.

 

[LdiJ]

I am asking for 50% she's asking for 80-90% like i think she wants me to see the kids every other Wednesday.

She just told me 2 days ago that she's ok with the kids spending the entire day with me as long as they can sleep with her in the night which once again makes no sense whatsoever. Its just not Doable.

A 50/50 timeshare is still not the norm in IL. It is gaining ground, but it's still not the norm. Standard would be for you to have the children every other weekend and one or two nights every week or vice versa Every other week and two nights every week would almost be a 50/50 timeshare.

What she is asking for highly unlikely to be considered to be reasonable to a judge, unless you have not been a hands on dad or there is something unusual that we are not aware of.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I am asking for 50% she's asking for 80-90% like i think she wants me to see the kids every other Wednesday.

She just told me 2 days ago that she's ok with the kids spending the entire day with me as long as they can sleep with her in the night which once again makes no sense whatsoever. Its just not Doable.

How were the parenting tasks shared while you were together? That would indicate what is "reasonable".

Is there a stated reason for the kids not overnighting with you? Has she alleged abuse? Do you have a living situation that she does not approve of?

 

[Lookforward]

How were the parenting tasks shared while you were together? That would indicate what is "reasonable".

Is there a stated reason for the kids not overnighting with you? Has she alleged abuse? Do you have a living situation that she does not approve of?

 

[Lookforward]

The kids stay home with me and do their e-learning. I take care of their homework and everything you can from 8-4or5 pm.
Laundry, dishes, cleaning is all done by me. It's very rare that she would work on these tasks.

She does help me with giving kids a bath and putting them to sleep and that's about that, maybe a load of dishwasher once a week or maybe laundry once a week nothing regular.

I created a Pie Chart and send it to my lawyer
Conservatively i spend 65% of sole time with them and this is been going on for close to a year.
17.5% time she keeps the kids solely and same amount is spend with both parents.

What's odd is that during the last 2 weeks she's taking kids out on playdate which she has never done in the past.

Another thing i have noticed is that she's also coaching the kids into saying weird things like my daughter told me that kids are supposed to spend more time with their mommies. I responded by saying kids should spend equal time with their parents. Really didnt know what to say but i am just tiered of keeping my mouth shut all the time.

I honestly never thought i would go through this shit in my life. Whenever my daughter says something which seems coached I pass it to my lawyer.

Any other advice guys? Anything i should look out for? I can sense that her lawyer is coaching and my lawyer does not coach me into saying anything. Her advice is when you get angry take a walk to go outside and i try to follow it most of the time.

 

[Lookforward]

A 50/50 timeshare is still not the norm in IL. It is gaining ground, but it's still not the norm. Standard would be for you to have the children every other weekend and one or two nights every week or vice versa Every other week and two nights every week would almost be a 50/50 timeshare.

What she is asking for highly unlikely to be considered to be reasonable to a judge, unless you have not been a hands on dad or there is something unusual that we are not aware of.

@LDJI so you are saying that although 50/50 like a week off week on is not a norm but they will still try to do a 50/50?
2 nights a week would be 104 and perhaps 52 weekends and including holidays might come to close to 50/50?
Is that what you are stating?

 

[LdiJ]

The kids stay home with me and do their e-learning. I take care of their homework and everything you can from 8-4or5 pm.
Laundry, dishes, cleaning is all done by me. It's very rare that she would work on these tasks.

She does help me with giving kids a bath and putting them to sleep and that's about that, maybe a load of dishwasher once a week or maybe laundry once a week nothing regular.

I created a Pie Chart and send it to my lawyer
Conservatively i spend 65% of sole time with them and this is been going on for close to a year.
17.5% time she keeps the kids solely and same amount is spend with both parents.

What's odd is that during the last 2 weeks she's taking kids out on playdate which she has never done in the past.

Another thing i have noticed is that she's also coaching the kids into saying weird things like my daughter told me that kids are supposed to spend more time with their mommies. I responded by saying kids should spend equal time with their parents. Really didnt know what to say but i am just tiered of keeping my mouth shut all the time.

I honestly never thought i would go through this shit in my life. Whenever my daughter says something which seems coached I pass it to my lawyer.

Any other advice guys? Anything i should look out for? I can sense that her lawyer is coaching and my lawyer does not coach me into saying anything. Her advice is when you get angry take a walk to go outside and i try to follow it most of the time.

If the kids were back in regular school would the two of you be on a more equal footing for time with the children, or would it still primarily be you? Are you working from home right now? Is that why you are able to care for them during the day? Is that something that is going to change when COVID is over?

 

[Lookforward]

If the kids were back in regular school would the two of you be on a more equal footing for time with the children, or would it still primarily be you? Are you working from home right now? Is that why you are able to care for them during the day? Is that something that is going to change when COVID is over?

Correct due to covid we had to work from home. However, my manager is allowing me to wfh indefinately. With my job i can wfh no issues whatsoever.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Another thing i have noticed is that she's also coaching the kids into saying weird things like my daughter told me that kids are supposed to spend more time with their mommies. I responded by saying kids should spend equal time with their parents. Really didnt know what to say but i am just tiered of keeping my mouth shut all the time.

I honestly never thought i would go through this shit in my life. Whenever my daughter says something which seems coached I pass it to my lawyer.

Any other advice guys? Anything i should look out for? I can sense that her lawyer is coaching and my lawyer does not coach me into saying anything. Her advice is when you get angry take a walk to go outside and i try to follow it most of the time.

Let her try to coach. It's not (or at least should not be) admissible. It *does* put the kids in the middle.

You responded as gracefully as you could, given the situation.

I suppose you could say, "There are many kinds of families." Or something else neutral and noncommittal.

This is very tough for the kids. Try as hard as you can not to be negative about Mom. I know that there was one time my preschooler parroted something "Daddy says -" and all I could say at the moment was, "Well, that's not nice." You can't always hide the acrimony. But you can do what you can to not put them in the middle as a pawn.

It sounds like your lawyer is giving you sound advice. Coaching the kids is useless from a legal point of view, because good judges don't want children to be put in the middle, feeling like they have to choosing one parent over the other. There are exceptions, where a judge will talk to a child - being that exception is not good.

Coaching the kids is bad from an emotional point of view.

Do your best to not stoop to saying anything negative about the other parent. Do your best not to comment about your opinion(s) about child custody around the kids.