Spousal alimony

[Lookforward]

Let her try to coach. It's not (or at least should not be) admissible. It *does* put the kids in the middle.

You responded as gracefully as you could, given the situation.

I suppose you could say, "There are many kinds of families." Or something else neutral and noncommittal.

This is very tough for the kids. Try as hard as you can not to be negative about Mom. I know that there was one time my preschooler parroted something "Daddy says -" and all I could say at the moment was, "Well, that's not nice." You can't always hide the acrimony. But you can do what you can to not put them in the middle as a pawn.

It sounds like your lawyer is giving you sound advice. Coaching the kids is useless from a legal point of view, because good judges don't want children to be put in the middle, feeling like they have to choosing one parent over the other. There are exceptions, where a judge will talk to a child - being that exception is not good.

Coaching the kids is bad from an emotional point of view.

Do your best to not stoop to saying anything negative about the other parent. Do your best not to comment about your opinion(s) about child custody around the kids.

Let her try to coach. It's not (or at least should not be) admissible. It *does* put the kids in the middle.

You responded as gracefully as you could, given the situation.

I suppose you could say, "There are many kinds of families." Or something else neutral and noncommittal.

This is very tough for the kids. Try as hard as you can not to be negative about Mom. I know that there was one time my preschooler parroted something "Daddy says -" and all I could say at the moment was, "Well, that's not nice." You can't always hide the acrimony. But you can do what you can to not put them in the middle as a pawn.

It sounds like your lawyer is giving you sound advice. Coaching the kids is useless from a legal point of view, because good judges don't want children to be put in the middle, feeling like they have to choose one parent over the other. There are exceptions, where a judge will talk to a child - being that exception is not good.

Coaching the kids is bad from an emotional point of view.

Do your best to not stoop to saying anything negative about the other parent. Do your best not to comment about your opinion(s) about child custody around the kids.

When my daughter says something I can tell whether it's coached or not because of her age and the words she uses.
I am sure Judges who have spent years on the bench have seen everything and more.

I wouldn't say anything negative now or ever about their mom. I understand the impact of words on kids and I also understand that this kind of behavior will backfire once the kids are in their teens. Kids will remember when you bad mouth your dad or mom and they can call you on it which will be extremely hurtful.

 

[Lookforward]

Sorry, guys silly questions and unrelated but in my case financial discovery is done divorce not finalized if my stocks rose after discovery has been filed and acknowldeged will I also have to share this with my STBX. Or does the discovery puts a cap on your finances?

 

[LdiJ]

@LDJI so you are saying that although 50/50 like a week off week on is not a norm but they will still try to do a 50/50?
2 nights a week would be 104 and perhaps 52 weekends and including holidays might come to close to 50/50?
Is that what you are stating?

I am saying that a 50/50 timeshare is still not the norm in IL however some parents come to an agreement for 50/50. A judge ordering a 50/50 timeshare when the two parents are not in agreement is still pretty rare. That is because for 50/50 to work properly for the children, it takes a lot of cooperation between the parents. Parents who cannot agree on 50/50 are unlikely to have the necessary level of cooperation.

50/50 is 7 days out of 14
Every other weekend and two nights a week is 6 days out of 14

 

[LdiJ]

Correct due to covid we had to work from home. However, my manager is allowing me to wfh indefinately. With my job i can wfh no issues whatsoever.

Well, then what you might consider doing is coming to a more creative agreement. If you had the children every day after school until mom gets home, and then have them every other weekend you would be seeing your children every day except on mom's weekend. Mom would also be seeing the children every day except your weekend. That would be an ideal arrangement for the children, because they would get to see both parents every day. If mom has to leave for work before the kids go to school in the morning then you could also agree that she will bring them to you and you can get them to school.

You could also agree that you get them on any days they are off school and mom has to work. Seriously, something like that could be a serious win for the children.

 

[doucar]

Just be careful with LdiJ proposal, IF child support becomes an issue. As under that arrangement you would be determined to have the children for 4 days a month and your ex for 26 days a month, making you responsible for the bulk of child support, since overnights are what is counted for days for child support purposes.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Sorry, guys silly questions and unrelated but in my case financial discovery is done divorce not finalized if my stocks rose after discovery has been filed and acknowldeged will I also have to share this with my STBX. Or does the discovery puts a cap on your finances?

Reminder: ILL is an equitable distribution state, not a community property state.

 

[LdiJ]

Just be careful with LdiJ proposal, IF child support becomes an issue. As under that arrangement you would be determined to have the children for 4 days a month and your ex for 26 days a month, making you responsible for the bulk of child support, since overnights are what is counted for days for child support purposes.

Not necessarily. Child support orders can also be agreed upon and creative too.

 

[doucar]

True, but he needs to be aware of the possibility now or in the event of a modification attempt in the future.

 

[LdiJ]

True, but he needs to be aware of the possibility now or in the event of a modification attempt in the future.

Mom makes significantly more money than he does. Unless he goes for spousal support and succeeds, odds are mom is not going to particularly care about child support.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Mom makes significantly more money than he does. Unless he goes for spousal support and succeeds, odds are mom is not going to particularly care about child support.

That's assuming that Mom is being level headed and realistic.

Some people in divorce focus on having everything their STBX lose on every count, even if it results in a lose-lose situation.

 

[doucar]

You really think with the unreasonable demands she is making for custody that child support is not a consideration? In an ideal world, maybe, but this world is far from ideal.

 

[not2cleverRed]

You really think with the unreasonable demands she is making for custody that child support is not a consideration? In an ideal world, maybe, but this world is far from ideal.

Exactly. That is why I asked if there was a reason the kids could not overnight with Dad. Some understandable reasons include allegations of child abuse, bad living situation at Dad's, fear child abduction, and live in lover. Some reasons are better (legally) than others.

OP has stated no reason given by Mom. So it leaves one to wonder if Mom is just trying to game the system so that Dad provides active parenting, while she gets, through overnights, physical custody and child support.

Mom is a MD. Some MDs have very regular schedules. Some do not.

 

[Lookforward]

Not necessarily. Child support orders can also be agreed upon and creative too.

It's all about Doability. I can do 2/2/3 or 7/7 i just can't spend 7 days a week every day and keep the kids till 8 pm. That was her last proposal next week it will change. One consistency is that she wants to keep the kids overnight

 

[doucar]

BAD idea based on what I posted before. She clearly understands how child support is calculated.

 

[not2cleverRed]

It's all about Doability. I can do 2/2/3 or 7/7 i just can't spend 7 days a week every day and keep the kids till 8 pm. That was her last proposal next week it will change. One consistency is that she wants to keep the kids overnight

That's because if she has them overnight 7 days a week, she is then the primary caretaker for child support purposes.

*That* is what @doucar is alluding to.

And I know that @LdiJ knows that.