Pregnant from affair - paternity/custody questions

[CH1990]

Well, that relationship is unfortunately ruined. You are now pregnant so he has an obligation towards your kids as well. Take care of yourself for now and don't stress out what's done is done. Not a damn thing you can change, cool your head think about your twins, and think about how you can make their lives better.

Once the dust settles you most probably will start thinking clearly.

PS this is a great message board with lots of people giving really good advice, keep this channel open. The issue is there might be some people here who were cheated upon so you kinda like opened those old wounds.

Another good venue is to seek a therapist or a counselor just to talk to.

Thank you.

I have also recently started seeing a therapist.

Nor have you indicated any reason for a judge to award *you* Full Custody. Joint (Physical) Custody does not automatically mean a 50/50 time split. Nor does 50/50 automatically mean week on/week off or 5/2/2/5 or any other time split that equals 50/50. A judge will award what s/he deems to be in the child(ren)'s best interests.

As I stated before, you have sadly chosen to have at least one of the three children to have "less than". Generally speaking, most of us go into parenthood with the expectation that our child(ren) will have two involved parents, married or not. I know I did. But life doesn't always work the way we expect it to.

I don't intend to ask for full custody because neither of the men have given me any reason to. I don't necessarily think that join custodyand splitting time is going to always be pleasant or easy. It's definitely not how I imagined how being a parent would look for me. I understand that joint custody doesn't always mean literally a 50/50 split in time, but it should be more equitable than one parent having full custody and the other only having visitation.

Yes but its still tough, its a violation of trust. Not sure what motivates people to cheat especially when kids are involved.

Good you are out, you need to break that cycle, you don't want your children to follow in the same footsteps of their dad.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Cheating is terrible, but it's not even the worst thing that you could do to a person in a relationship, if you ask me. Sometimes the spouses have each done worse to each other already and at that point cheating doesn't feel like such a big deal anymore - what vows are there left to honor? What marriage is there really other than that on paper? This isn't even my particular situation, I'm not defending myself here, I'm just saying that based on some marriages that I have personally known, I could totally understand why some of these people would cheat. It's not like that for many people who cheat of course. Many cheaters even have *good* relationships with their spouses, but have other issues like selfishness, sex addiction, poor impulse control, tons of things that are still all ultimately within their power to control or get help with.

For me and the guy I was in a relationship with, neither of us were happy in our marriages but we weren't experiencing any sort of abuse or horrible stuff at home. We just didn't love our spouses anymore. My marriage had been bad for a while. My husband and I gave a half hearted attempt at marriage counseling. I don't think either of us cared enough at that point. We should have divorced, but neither of us could ever go through with it We've been together since we were 18 and we're 30 now, so I think there was a comfort and even a co-dependency there that just made it hard to officially end it, no matter how many times my husband threatened to serve me with papers (which he did many times)or how many times I secretly dreamt of a different life without him. Divorce is emotionally taxing, exhausting, and expensive. I still should have just sucked it up and divorced him. But I just allowed myself to fall into this other relationship and I allowed it to go much further than it should have because it presented itself, it felt good, it gave me all the feelings I wasn't getting in the marriage. This is not an excuse. It was still wrong of me to do. But I'm just saying that since I've now gone through this myself, it's easier for me to see why this happens. I don't think it's so hard to imagine how this sort of thing happens so frequently. People are inherently selfish and want instant gratification.

 

[Ohiogal]

Not all people but you have proven yourself to be and as a parent you can't be that selfish.

 

[not2cleverRed]

[blah self justifying blalwah]

I don't think it's so hard to imagine how this sort of thing happens so frequently. People are inherently selfish and want instant gratification.

There is a difference between "wanting" and taking action.

I could instantly gratify my sweet tooth by wiping out several boxes of Girl Scout cookies. (The troop cookie mom has a variety to chose from, no less, and no one will care so long as the cookie money is paid.) Still, I do not breakfast on a box of Samoas.

Stop self justifying.

 

[stealth2]

Still, I do not breakfast on a box of Samoas.

Well, we now know your problem!

 

[zddoodah]

Immature and selfish?

Again, you really shouldn't get caught up with folks who want to name-call and bait you into stuff like this. It's a pointless waste of time. Anyone here who opines how a custody fight might turn out is speaking out of near total ignorance.

 

[CH1990]

Again, you really shouldn't get caught up with folks who want to name-call and bait you into stuff like this. It's a pointless waste of time. Anyone here who opines how a custody fight might turn out is speaking out of near total ignorance.

Yes you're right.

 

[Ohiogal]

Again, you really shouldn't get caught up with folks who want to name-call and bait you into stuff like this. It's a pointless waste of time. Anyone here who opines how a custody fight might turn out is speaking out of near total ignorance.

As an attorney who does custody work constantly (pretty much 90% of my case load) I can opine based upon my experience representing people of all different backgrounds. I would be speaking out of actual fact. For how many custody cases have you represented individuals?

 

[CH1990]

As an attorney who does custody work constantly (pretty much 90% of my case load) I can opine based upon my experience representing people of all different backgrounds. I would be speaking out of actual fact. For how many custody cases have you represented individuals?

Not being snarky here, honest question....

Can adultery really legally be grounds to base a custody order on, if the person is otherwise an upstanding, productive member of society with nothing negative in their background or record? Specifically if custody is being deteremined as part of a no-fault divorce? It looks like in Ohio there can be at-fault divorces and this it may play a part, but can it actually be legally considered in a no-fault case.

And also, let's say that my "affair partner" is the father. Both of us committed adultery, so if all else is equal, how would he potentially gain full custody over me?

 

[stealth2]

Not being snarky here, honest question....

Can adultery really legally be grounds to base a custody order on, if the person is otherwise an upstanding, productive member of society with nothing negative in their background or record? Specifically if custody is being deteremined as part of a no-fault divorce? It looks like in Ohio there can be at-fault divorces and this it may play a part, but can it actually be legally considered in a no-fault case.

And also, let's say that my "affair partner" is the father. Both of us committed adultery, so if all else is equal, how would he potentially gain full custody over me?

Not to answer for OG, but it is just one piece in a larger puzzle. And... what you consider to be equal, the court may not...

 

[Ohiogal]

Not being snarky here, honest question....

Can adultery really legally be grounds to base a custody order on, if the person is otherwise an upstanding, productive member of society with nothing negative in their background or record? Specifically if custody is being deteremined as part of a no-fault divorce? It looks like in Ohio there can be at-fault divorces and this it may play a part, but can it actually be legally considered in a no-fault case.

And also, let's say that my "affair partner" is the father. Both of us committed adultery, so if all else is equal, how would he potentially gain full custody over me?

You could find yourself not allowed to be around your adulterous lover while the divorce is on going. You could find yourself having other issues, especially if you portray yourself as you have on here -- there has been no concern really for the babies with which you are pregnant but it is all about you. What YOU want. What YOU think. What YOU ... without consideration of the other parent who may or may not be your husband. That is the way it can be used against you. By showing your character flaws.
Your lover has a stable household .. if he stays with his wife. He has custody of a half sibling to your child. If you get a custody battle those things matter. Where are you going to live after the divorce? How are you going to afford it? Can you afford taking off for maternity leave? Can you afford rent and all the costs of a child? Because child support will not happen for probably a few months after the children are born. There are many things that can be impacted custody wise that your adultery screams to those of us here. It is not about the fact that you had sex but it is about the outcomes down the road. I have seen it play out MANY times.

 

[Ohiogal]

Do you have your own health insurance? Or is it under your husband or the state? Do you work? The home you currently live in with your husband... is it owned or rented? Who is on the deed? Was it bought before marriage?

 

[CH1990]

Do you have your own health insurance? Or is it under your husband or the state? Do you work? The home you currently live in with your husband... is it owned or rented? Who is on the deed? Was it bought before marriage?

I'm currently on health insurance through my husband and his employer.
I have a full time job. My husband and I intentionally waited to have children so we could focus on our careers, so I am doing ok in that department. I earn a good salary, but my husband makes significantly more than I do.

We own our home. We are both on the title, but it's only his name on the mortgage. It was bought during our marriage. I'm no longer living in the home. I'm currently living with my parents. This all sort of blew up and my husband did ask me to come home and live there, but after a few days and some arguments, I decided it wasn't a good idea to stay there anymore. I temporarily went to stay with my parents. I will not be able to afford to buy a place of my own here, at least not anytime soon. Prices are just astronomical. Rent is very high too, but I hope to move out and rent my own place once I'm able. I'm trying not to rush anything and to let some of the dust settle before making any big moves. I have been working on a budget and financial plan to try to get rid of some of my debts and save as much as I can before the babies are due. I haven't announced my pregnancy at work yet or informed HR. I do have long and short term disability through my employer. With twins there is obviously a slightly higher chance that I could be put on bed rest or at the very least give birth earlier.

We have 3 vehicles (all financed). One is in my name, both registration and loan. The other two are in his name only. In the papers he's given me he's proprosing that we sell the house before the divorce is finalized and split profits 50/50. He's suggested we each keep our respective vehicles that are in our name (which I'm fine with).

We both have credit cards (in our separate names) - he has a much higher balance.

We each have student loans (originated before we were married) - I have a much larger amount.

We have 401K, shared savings and checking, separate saving and checkings, and some other financial accounts and investments that are shared.

People here say I'm selfish, but I was actually going to let him keep the house without buying me out or giving me a share of equity, etc. if it would be permitted. But now I realize I will need that money. I'm not trying to screw him over. I'm not trying to "come out on top" in the divorce or anything like that. I just don't want to end up in a financial black hole that I can't climb out of. I want to be as fair as possible.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm currently on health insurance through my husband and his employer.
I have a full time job. My husband and I intentionally waited to have children so we could focus on our careers, so I am doing ok in that department. I earn a good salary, but my husband makes significantly more than I do.

We own our home. We are both on the title, but it's only his name on the mortgage. It was bought during our marriage. I'm no longer living in the home. I'm currently living with my parents. This all sort of blew up and my husband did ask me to come home and live there, but after a few days and some arguments, I decided it wasn't a good idea to stay there anymore. I temporarily went to stay with my parents. I will not be able to afford to buy a place of my own here, at least not anytime soon. Prices are just astronomical. Rent is very high too, but I hope to move out and rent my own place once I'm able. I'm trying not to rush anything and to let some of the dust settle before making any big moves. I have been working on a budget and financial plan to try to get rid of some of my debts and save as much as I can before the babies are due. I haven't announced my pregnancy at work yet or informed HR. I do have long and short term disability through my employer. With twins there is obviously a slightly higher chance that I could be put on bed rest or at the very least give birth earlier.

We have 3 vehicles (all financed). One is in my name, both registration and loan. The other two are in his name only. In the papers he's given me he's proprosing that we sell the house before the divorce is finalized and split profits 50/50. He's suggested we each keep our respective vehicles that are in our name (which I'm fine with).

We both have credit cards (in our separate names) - he has a much higher balance.

We each have student loans (originated before we were married) - I have a much larger amount.

We have 401K, shared savings and checking, separate saving and checkings, and some other financial accounts and investments that are shared.

People here say I'm selfish, but I was actually going to let him keep the house without buying me out or giving me a share of equity, etc. if it would be permitted. But now I realize I will need that money. I'm not trying to screw him over. I'm not trying to "come out on top" in the divorce or anything like that. I just don't want to end up in a financial black hole that I can't climb out of. I want to be as fair as possible.

Credit cards are marital debt and will be split equally between the two of you normally. YOu each profit from your student loans so you each pay your own. Joint savings and checking should be split.

You each pay the loans associated with the vehicles you are keeping. How much profit do you think you will get out of the house after paying the fees and mortgage?

 

[CH1990]

Credit cards are marital debt and will be split equally between the two of you normally. YOu each profit from your student loans so you each pay your own. Joint savings and checking should be split.

You each pay the loans associated with the vehicles you are keeping. How much profit do you think you will get out of the house after paying the fees and mortgage?

What if we both wish/agree to just keep the credit cards that are in our own names and agree to continue paying on our own credit cards? Can splitting the total overall balance still be enforced? Can the court enforce anything on us if we both come to agreement on how we'd like to split things up and put it in writing and follow all of the appropriate steps to filing it correctly with the assistance of our lawyers?

We'll probably make around $100k profit off the house after the mortgage and fees.

 

[LdiJ]

What if we both wish/agree to just keep the credit cards that are in our own names and agree to continue paying on our own credit cards? Can splitting the total overall balance still be enforced? Can the court enforce anything on us if we both come to agreement on how we'd like to split things up and put it in writing and follow all of the appropriate steps to filing it correctly with the assistance of our lawyers?

We'll probably make around $100k profit off the house after the mortgage and fees.

Most judges will agree to just about any property settlement when the two parties are in agreement, unless it is completely contrary to public interest. Marital assets would be those assets that accrued during the marriage. Pre-martial debts and assets would not be included in any split.