Advice for court date, no attny, want to go home?

[Rushia]

I don't remember responding to anyone's threads. I can't give any advice on here, I'm new to all this and have no clue what I'd be talking about.

I'm talking about the questions put to you on YOUR thread in DV. I believe that you are making a BIG mistake in trying to work this out. I will also mention the fact that most women who are sincere in their efforts with a RO, make every effort to include the child in the papers. You keep stating what a great dad he is. I'm sorry hon, but a good dad does not verbally abuse his wife/mother of his children,nor does he doesn't constantly drink himself stupid. One of you is playing a game here and I, for one, do NOT appreciate it.

 

[scrapbooking]

Hi guys, I'm completely lost here. The other person (seeing her again) is not me, and it's not my husband, I am sure of that. Now yes, there are some things that I admit are errerly( did I spell that right?) similiar, the dates are close, but my husband isn't to that extreme I don't think, and he doesn't have access to the computer at the dates/times he has, plus I checked and that person has been posting things about this for awhile. I haven't been going threw this for that time frame.
My main issue is that: I do love my husband, and I know he loves me, and we love our kids, our family. And I know many families go through rough times, and no he should not say things to me, expecially in front of the kids, and that is why I insisted on marriage therapy. I do not want to give up unless i've tried my hardest, if that makes sense. NOw mabye I'll regret this later, I want to be able to be seperated and go to counseling. That is what I think will help the best. But we rent this house, and he doesn't want to leave, and I have no way to leave unless I move home (another state) so when we go to court I would like for his to have to leave until we have another hearing or we both cancel it or something, and I would like to have it arranged so if things don't work out or get worse I can move home with my parents. or around them for support.
I am not playing a game, and I don't understand why several people think that. I have been honest and just looking for some sound legal advice. Thank you, Julie.

 

[Rushia]

I stand by what I've said. And I will borrow Stealths wording. You are playing with fire.

 

[scrapbooking]

What do you mean by that? I'm playing with fire? You mean I shouldn't try to keep our family together b/c we both said things we should not have said in the heat of the arguement.? Or are you meaning something else?

 

[Just Blue]

Hi guys, I'm completely lost here. The other person (seeing her again) is not me, and it's not my husband, I am sure of that. Now yes, there are some things that I admit are errerly( did I spell that right?) similiar, the dates are close, but my husband isn't to that extreme I don't think, and he doesn't have access to the computer at the dates/times he has, plus I checked and that person has been posting things about this for awhile. I haven't been going threw this for that time frame.
My main issue is that: I do love my husband, and I know he loves me, and we love our kids, our family. And I know many families go through rough times, and no he should not say things to me, expecially in front of the kids, and that is why I insisted on marriage therapy. I do not want to give up unless i've tried my hardest, if that makes sense. NOw mabye I'll regret this later, I want to be able to be seperated and go to counseling. That is what I think will help the best. But we rent this house, and he doesn't want to leave, and I have no way to leave unless I move home (another state) so when we go to court I would like for his to have to leave until we have another hearing or we both cancel it or something, and I would like to have it arranged so if things don't work out or get worse I can move home with my parents. or around them for support.
I am not playing a game, and I don't understand why several people think that. I have been honest and just looking for some sound legal advice. Thank you, Julie.

I do know how you feel....been there myself. But he WON'T change!! When you go back to court tell the judge that you need financial help with rent...you stbx still has to help with the bills.
Please, for the sake of your children, don't take him back! They do not need a "father" who abuses thier mom. The impact on them is profound...you should ALL go to counseling. As I said in your other thread...give yourself some time away from him and the abuse...don't talk to him or see him. When your in a situation like this it hard to think clearly, there is high doses of adrenaline being pumped in to your brain, and this does affect how you think and react.
I was with my x for 20+ years...trust me you don't want to waste your youth, love and childrens happiness on this guy!! Perhaps when he hits rock bottom he might get help...but it is something that he will need to do for himself. You can't help him, and your daughter can't eather! So help yourself and the kids...keep the RO ...go to counseling....and most of all have a lot of predictability (with a drunk in the house its always unpredictable).
Good luck and God Bless!!

 

[scrapbooking]

I thank you for your comments and your support. And I am taking the advice, in being away from him. We will begin family/ marriage counseling, and he will see the kids, but his mom will come and get them and take them to him. We do want to try and work things out, but I need to go slow. I will ask the judge about help paying the rent and bills. And what about Child Suppport? Does he pay that too even if we aren't divorced?

 

[LdiJ]

What do you mean by that? I'm playing with fire? You mean I shouldn't try to keep our family together b/c we both said things we should not have said in the heat of the arguement.? Or are you meaning something else?

Hon...you are "playing with fire" because when you finally come to accept that your husband isn't going to change, and when you finally realize that you are going to have to make it on your own....a judge may not take you seriously.

Lets hope that you realize things before your children are too damaged by the life that you are living.....or before it too late for a judge to take you seriously.

Why do you think that its no longer necessary to have cooperation from the victim for a domestic violence conviction to happen?....because too many women were too worried about "how to pay the rent"...instead of the damage that was going on in their homes.

 

[BL]

Your issues are not uncommon and many have gone through it .

When your at the Court House next time ask if the have a Help desk for domestic violence ( advocates ) . They will help you along the Way .

You can go to the County's Temporary assistance agency and seek Emergency help . Food Stamps , etc . , rent allowance , a cash Grant .

That Dept . can initiate Child Support .

Child Support is a separate issue in NY , and is heard in separate rooms .

You could file while your there , or as I stated , If you get assistance from Temp. Assistance , they will take him to Court for support on your behalf .

Even IF he swore Off the sauce , he will still act the same , just not as outrageous . He needs counseling / your Family needs counseling , if there is a chance at all it can be turned around .

There is a program for spouses or the other half called alonon , Like AA , also alateen for the kids , if they wish to go .

It helps YOU learn how to live a survive with an alcoholic , and get tips , and talk about your problems . ( I don't mean literally live with one ).

 

[BL]

Hon...you are "playing with fire" because when you finally come to accept that your husband isn't going to change, and when you finally realize that you are going to have to make it on your own....a judge may not take you seriously.

Lets hope that you realize things before your children are too damaged by the life that you are living.....or before it too late for a judge to take you seriously.

Why do you think that its no longer necessary to have cooperation from the victim for a domestic violence conviction to happen?....because too many women were too worried about "how to pay the rent"...instead of the damage that was going on in their homes.

I have seen a Judge state to a victim , If you insist on dropping the RO , I don't want to see you in my Court Room Again , Understood ? We are not here to play games , or waste the Court's time .

 

[scrapbooking]

I feel bad, I do not want to waste their time at all. And the person at the court house I spoke to yesterday expained to me that this is not uncommen to happen. And he hoped we can work it out, but that for all the custody requests they recieve and TRO the dish out many ask to take it off, or say they want to make it work.
I do feel horrible. I am an honest person, just trying to do what is best for everyone. But I will not allow him to drink, and be abusive, so we will begin counseling next week

 

[Rushia]

But I will not allow him to drink, and be abusive, so we will begin counseling next week

You can't stop him from drinking, he has to want it for himself. Men like this rarely change their spots. I believe that you may be living in a fantasy world where you think everything will be OK. Good Luck to you.

 

[Just Blue]

You can't stop him from drinking, he has to want it for himself. Men like this rarely change their spots. I believe that you may be living in a fantasy world where you think everything will be OK. Good Luck to you.

Got that right! I waited 20 years...what a waste!
To the OP...He may love you ...he may love the kids...but until he loves himself enough to be sober there is NOTHING to be done for him. I suggest going to counseling seperately, it's more affective at first.

 

[Rushia]

Got that right! I waited 20 years...what a waste!
To the OP...He may love you ...he may love the kids...but until he loves himself enough to be sober there is NOTHING to be done for him. I suggest going to counseling seperately, it's more affective at first.

I only made 2.5 years before I gave up. Almost 4 years later, he hasn't changed.

 

[scrapbooking]

I began counseling alone about a month ago for myself. (there is some personal things that don't include him that I'm going through) so I started. I thank you all for your kind words and support, I'm terrified to go to court though.

 

[Just Blue]

I only made 2.5 years before I gave up. Almost 4 years later, he hasn't changed.

Wish I was that smart...lol. Oh well...I get the girls and he get liver failure !