Awaiting trial, but children are being hurt in process...

[lkkfit]

What is the name of your state? - Louisiana

My ex husband and I currently have 50/50 custody, co domicile of our two children (son - 12, daughter - 8). We began a custody modification in July 2018 after his then girlfriend sent me a 23 minute audio recording of him interrogating the kids and telling them over and over that his friend said i'm a horrible person, and then getting mad at them for not agreeing. She actually recorded quite a few instances and took pictures around the house of his guns (loaded) lying around, in reach of the children. Since then, he was fired as a State trooper and arrested for misuse of office and has been on a downward spiral. He also spanked our son with a stick so badly he was in pain 5 days later with markings. I filed a police report, my ex was arrested and plead guilty to Negligent Injuring to a minor.
In February 2019, the judge ordered us to take both of our children separately to a court appointed therapist for her to evaluate the mentality and wishes of our kids. A 6 page report was written stating the children do not wish to be with their father, he's mean and scares them to the point my daughter will hide when he spanks our son. They both begged for her not to tell him because they were afraid of what he'd do to them if he found out, and both wished to be with me. They both said they felt like their father did not like them, but feel loved at home with me. I've known all of this for a while but didn't realize how bad it had gotten. There was a lot of detail in those 6 pages and the therapist plead with the court to use discretion with her report due to fear of retaliation by the father.
In September, our attorneys had a pretrial with the judge, who didn't even look at the report and decided we would go to trial. Since then, no date has been set because my ex is demanding the therapist appear to testify and the therapist is saying she has no availability to go to court until 2021!!! My ex's own mother is testifying against him and has been advocates for our kids for years because she knows how abusive and horrible her son is.
My son hates him, and he's been physically abusive to him in the past but he's recently turned his emotional abuse on my daughter. In the last month, my 8 yr old daughter has told me and my fiance several times that her father hates her and says she's worthless. She says "he cant stand me", "I dont deserve to live", "why doesn't daddy like me". Just before Christmas, she sent me a video sobbing hysterically saying "daddy hates me". I cannot handle this, my heart is broken, I cry constantly. She's going back to therapy but NO child should ever feel this way. My attorney, the therapist, the court are all dragging their feet, its like NOBODY cares. She begs everytime its his time to get them not to go, and I know if I keep her, I'll be in contempt and the judge will see it as me alienating them. But me sending her is damaging her more and more and I can't do that to her.
Someone please tell me what to do. I feel helpless for my kids, they're the victims of this failed justice system and their own father and I'm completely at a loss. My fiance and I don't know if its normal for these things to take this long, and we feel like they don't understand how manipulative and destructive he is. My attorney seems to downplay everything, so we're just completely frustrated and confused. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[LdiJ]

The only thing that I can suggest at this point is that perhaps you should speak to a couple of other attorneys to get their take on the situation. Has your attorney made any motions to temporarily suspend or shorten visitation? Or even to make it supervised on a temporary basis pending the outcome of the case?

Has the therapist reported any of the ongoing abuse to CPS/DFS (or whatever its called in your state)?

 

[lkkfit]

No, No and No.
I asked my attorney to file a motion to be granted emergency custody after the police filed charges for negligent injury. He told me that our judge would see it as an "exaggeration", which is insane to me that the police would charge him and yet the court would think of it as me being dramatic?! And that emergency custody is only granted in extreme situations like rape, drugs, etc.

The court appointed therapist took NO other action (and she was seen after I had filed the initial report for him hitting my son, so she was definitely aware). I thought her report would be enough to at least do something, but nope! ALSO, let me add that this court appointed therapist was paid $600 per child for a 2 hour session and another $300 for the report (so $1500 from me, and $1500 from my ex), and it had to be paid in cash. No receipt given. I just found that odd.

The therapist that my daughter has seen before and is going back to now is a different person, and I'm hoping she will do something, but I'm not hopeful seeing as how everything else has gone for us.
Detectives notified DFS when the investigation was going on for abuse. The DFS agent called me ONCE and left a voicemail. I called her back every other day for over a month, left messages on her office answering machine and called the emergency cell # she gave, she never answered or called back. I even called Louisiana's main DFS office and they said there was no way to find out which office that particular agent was at. This entire thing sounds CRAZY, I know! It's like everybody involved has given us the run around.
He's gotten away with SO much, especially during the time he was a state trooper and the only reason he was eventually arrested and fired is because one woman threatened to go to the media.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this before? Just being given the run around like this??? I've actually second guessed myself thinking maybe I am being crazy or dramatic, because my attorney and everyone else legally involved obviously sees no sense of urgency. But my fiance, my family and my ex's family knows how horrible he is to my kids and how badly we need something to be done. I'm so confused why no one in the legal system is helping us.

 

[commentator]

Quote: I know if I keep her, I'll be in contempt and the judge will see it as me alienating them. But me sending her is damaging her more and more and I can't do that to her.
Someone please tell me what to do. I feel helpless for my kids, they're the victims of this failed justice system and their own father and I'm completely at a loss. My fiance and I don't know if its normal for these things to take this long, and we feel like they don't understand how manipulative and destructive he is. My attorney seems to downplay everything, so we're just completely frustrated and confused. Any advice is appreciated

I will tell you what to do, just a suggestion. You are sounding a bit hysterical and definitely catastrophizing. All this wild "I CAN'T let her go back to him!" talk is just making yourself and your daughter more upset and you are much more likely to make terrible choices as you keep reframing the situation as worse and worse and worse in your own mind.

Talk to a counselor yourself, not a court appointed one, ask them to help get you some perspective and another opinion BEFORE you do something seriously over reactive and self harming. Even if the situation is exactly as bad as you perceive, and you cannot, somehow, get ANYONE else to see it as this bad, including your own attorney, you are still not doing the kids any good with all this dramatic utterance and portrayal. If this is as bad as you say, even so, you must be the smarter and stronger one to help and protect your children. I believe you as you tell us about your ex. There are people like this, definitely some in the law enforcement system. But you must work inside the system instead of breaking down in the face of it.

And part of that will be NOT violating the orders, NOT doing crazy things, NOT giving him ammunition in his attempts to control the situation by his being able to say, "See, she's obviously unstable and hysterical!" I really am sympathetic, and I believe you, that things appear to be this bad to you right now. That's why I want you to talk to someone and help yourself develop some new coping mechanisms. Most people like this ex of yours are very good at presenting themselves and manipulating others, and the way to fight them and prevail and protect your children is NOT to let them eviscerate you mentally.

 

[stealth2]

Additionally, make sure both kids are in counseling, including ways to develop coping skills.

Maybe also speak with another few lawyers.

 

[lkkfit]

Thank you for your .. bluntness? Lol

I promise I have tried to just let it go, but when my friends and family are on me constantly like “the kids are in danger and you need to light a fire under the court” I feel like I’m not doing enough.
Its a really complicated situation and this has been 5 years of emotional hell he’s put us through, plus it’s really really hard to hear your 8 year old crying bc she doesn’t feel loved by her dad and then you have to send her off with him.

 

[Just Blue]

Thank you for your .. bluntness? Lol

I promise I have tried to just let it go, but when my friends and family are on me constantly like “the kids are in danger and you need to light a fire under the court” I feel like I’m not doing enough.
Its a really complicated situation and this has been 5 years of emotional hell he’s put us through, plus it’s really really hard to hear your 8 year old crying bc she doesn’t feel loved by her dad and then you have to send her off with him.

That is why you NEED to place your children in therapy. Both of them.

 

[lkkfit]

My daughter has gone to therapy pretty consistently, but her counselor stays busy and it’s hard to get appts.
My son hates it and won’t talk. The abuse counselor he was sent to by the police recommended we just let him go fishing with my fiancé like he likes, that’s the only time he really opens up, bc he won’t really talk to any therapist just sitting on a couch.

 

[t74]

Your children are both old enough to let an adult other than you know if they feel unsafe. Give the oldest a cell phone (assuming they generally see dad together, one should be enough) with the instructions that it is for emergencies only. Preload numbers of trusted relatives and friends. Make sure she knows how to use 911. If you are unable to deal with discussing what to do without aggravating the stress level of the children, find someone else to do so,

Look for a social service agency dealing with families in crisis. In my area they have several supported by the United Way that provide many services. You might find a support group beneficial for yourself as well as age appropriate activities for the children..

I am confused as to the reason his GF is providing you with potentially damaging videos. Is it the case that she wants the children out of his life? You mention also you have your fiance apparently significantly involved in your son's life if your fiance and child are doing things alone together. Could this be aggravating the situation with your ex seeing yor fiance as a replacement father?

Your statement that your son hates his father is also troubling - reflecting poorly on you as well as dad You made no mention about how you reassured the child that this was not true; it leads me to believe that you want the child to keep that belief. How do you handle these situations? Are you wanting a step-parent adoption in the future? You are obviously wanting to change the current custodial time. I believe that there are four adults contributing to the family problems maybe unknowingly but exacerbating the discord. I am concerned that you may go forward with a marriage that will escalate the battle you and your ex are now in. I hope you are not currently living with your fiance and dad's GF is also not a sleep-in SO.

I would never approve of beating a child. There is the need to protect the children from abuse and to determine the trigger for the parent losing control. I think there are far deeper problems with all involved. They are not likely to be all with dad. If your ex was in law enforcement, he may need to be evaluated for PTSD as many of these jobs are hazardous to a person's psychological health. The GF may be aggravating the situation as well.

Until you get to court, please do everything you can to reduce the conflict. Work with dad - not GF and fiance - to come to an agreement on what is best for the children in the current situation. Remeember that their parents have split up, and each of you has chosen a new partner. Dad is feeling displaced. You apprently have a unusual relationship with GF; it would not surprise me if she were not working at cross purposes to dad. The children are feeling a loss and are likely feeling that they have been replaced - not one but twice - as important in their parents' lives.

 

[lkkfit]

His “then” girlfriend. They’ve been broken up for some time now, but she was concerned for the children, which is why she’d record them and take pics around the house.
She warned me when they were together that he was threatening to take me back to court for full custody so he wouldn’t have to pay child support, which is exactly what happened.
My fiancé and my son’s relationship is a good, healthy relationship and I’m not going to destroy that bc my ex husband is insecure. The issues with their father have been going on since before we met.

I always try to encourage a relationship with my kids and their dad, as hard as it is. I tell them they’re going to have fun with him, when my daughter says he hates her I always tell her it’s not true, that he loves her. They’re not stupid. He’s called my son fat, called him names, and treats him horribly which is why my son hates him. I don’t know how I’m supposed to encourage a relationship like that or how it’s my fault that he hates him. I do what I can and we never talk badly about his dad, but my son has told the counselor that he hates his dad. I don’t understand how I’m to blame for that?
My daughter is different. She’s neglected. When she was 7, he sent her home wearing 2T underwear that were cutting into her legs so deep she was crying. Instead of buying her new pajamas, he’d just cut the feet out of old onesie PJs, but he’ll buy brand new tennis shoes for kids at his gym, just to look like “the good guy”. My son says his dad tells them all the time “girls aren’t as smart as boys because they have squirrel brains”.
And still, I encourage their relationship. When they cry and beg not to go with him I tell them their dad misses them and they’ll probably do something fun!
They both have phones to bring over there. He takes them away so they can’t be used. My daughter has reached out to other adults about him, which is how we know so much of what’s going on, but he’s very careful to not cross and legal lines. He is just mean, cruel and emotionally abusive, which the police can’t and won’t do anything about. DFS doesn’t care or get involved unless it’s physical or serious neglect (being starved, etc).
I really don’t understand how my fiancé and I are to blame for their feelings towards him. Only HE has created that hatred. We’ve been divorced almost 6 years now. If their dad is feeling displaced, he needs to get over it. He’s a grown man and has children to care for.
My children don’t and have never felt replaced in my home, which is exactly what the therapist wrote in her report. That “the children wish to live with their mother because that’s where they feel safe and loved. Both children have expressed they do not feel safe and loved at their father’s”.
If someone can explain how any of this is my fault, I’m all ears. But I’ve done nothing to drive a wedge between them and everything to make things as civil as possible. He just gets off on making like hell.

 

[commentator]

So based on the therapists recommendations, and your actions, this is working its way through the court system at the present time, right? You've asked for a change in custody? I'm hearing a lot of same old this happened when she was .....and one time he said......which are not quite going to be looked at as present "change in circumstances." Which is what has to happen for custody to be changed.

I'm afraid it sounds more and more like you're just rehashing and escalating and hating and dramatizing and making everything sound twice as big and bad and immediately necessary to take action about as it is. When we count them up, there are a number of other people who are having input into this situation, and you are claiming that every single one of them is letting you down because they won't do exactly what you'd like to see happen, RIGHT NOW. Which I assume is that your husband is at least censured, if not jailed, charged a huge amount of support and completely removed from seeing the children ever again. This is probably not going to happen, and the more you rail and flail about, the less likely it becomes. As you said, his pay off is making (your) life hell. The less that happens, the less payoff he gets, and he'll get bored with it.

Incidentally, it will not blight your children's life if their daddy doesn't like them and is ugly to them as long as they have other sane adults in their life to depend on and give them feedback. Yes, right now they do have to go spend time with him. But that may change later. Don't get yourself worked up that you just can't do it and let them not go, this would give him a lot of power. You just can't force it to happen right away.

And as you said, the kids are not stupid, they know you're lying to them when you tell them "Oh no, your daddy really loves you, you'll have a wonderful time there." Just try to help them do this hard stuff they have to do. I suspect if it wasn't bothering you so much, your ex husband wouldn't be so enthused about seeing the kids, though he is using it right now. After all, he's lost his fiancé, he will need another child care person soon, taking care of children by yourself isn't easy for selfish jerks.

Thank the ex girlfriend. Ratting out the ex about how he treats his kids is very very common at the end of relationships, it happens very frequently. Especially since, from the sound of this he was counting on getting her to take care of the children so he could do the 50/50 custody and pay reduced support.

Your friends and family are not helping if they're "on you constantly" to light a fire under the courts, as if there was something you needed to do, immediately. You may want to talk to another attorney if you don't think yours is competent to light the necessary fires. But it certainly isn't your job against the advice of your attorney. As has been suggested, talk to helping agencies and make sure your children know the way to reach out other than through you if they get into a scary situation.

 

[t74]

It is not that you talk badly about dad, it is about the non-verbal clues you give. They are all over your posting.

The fact that you are unwilling to acknowledge that the relationship between your fiance and your son may be contributing to the problems is also telling.

And, FWIW, my DH has no clue about purchasing clothing for boys much less underwear for girls. He has a PhD and can barely choose his own. His DW (me) dresses him funny; shirts actually match his slacks.

I really think you need to deal with your and the children's counselors and your attorney and tell everyone else - GF, fiance, family and friends - to butt out!

 

[lkkfit]

Thank you for your advice and understanding. He is the one that initially filed asking for full custody, since then he’s backed off and wanted to keep it 50/50, but by that point I had found out of all of the emotional abuse.

His gf had actually send some videos and voiced her concerns months before they even broke up, but she was hoping by staying with him it would make for a safer environment for the kids. Eventually, he beat her up on a cruise and that’s what ended the relationship.

I think my friends and family mean well and are just concerned for the kids, they know how their dad is, but they don’t understand how the court process works, and honestly I didn’t even. I’m just surprised it’s taking this long and a court appointed therapist can decide to not testify for over a year.

 

[t74]

Thank you for your advice and understanding. He is the one that initially filed asking for full custody, since then he’s backed off and wanted to keep it 50/50, but by that point I had found out of all of the emotional abuse.

His gf had actually send some videos and voiced her concerns months before they even broke up, but she was hoping by staying with him it would make for a safer environment for the kids. Eventually, he beat her up on a cruise and that’s what ended the relationship.

I think my friends and family mean well and are just concerned for the kids, they know how their dad is, but they don’t understand how the court process works, and honestly I didn’t even. I’m just surprised it’s taking this long and a court appointed therapist can decide to not testify for over a year.

Get another therapist. Ask you attorney if it is absolutely necessary in your jurisdiction for the therapist to be appointed by the court before the testimony is accepted,

 

[lkkfit]

Get another therapist. Ask you attorney if it is absolutely necessary in your jurisdiction for the therapist to be appointed by the court before the testimony is accepted,

It is, unfortunately. The therapist we’ve used can consult with the court appointed therapist, but she can not testify.