Can't see or call my grandaughter

[LdiJ]

This is a really classic situation and in a way, I do feel sorry for grandma.

Because her daughter and granddaughter lived with her she developed an unrealistic sense of entitlement to her grandchild and the belief that she has more power/standing/authority than she has in a legally realistic sense. Apparently uncle has developed that same sense of entitlement.

She also apparently believes that spanking is abuse, and refuses to understand that it is not, legally abuse.

I suspect that she also was not happy that her daughter and grandchild left her home to live with this guy.

Roll all of that up in a ball, and the first time she hears of something she doesn't like, she takes it way over the top and she and her son threaten her daughter and boyfriend.

Now she cannot understand why she isn't allowed regular contact with the child. Clearly, from what she has said here, she refuses to even consider that she and her son were over the top and behaved badly.

As a result, this group of people is unlikely to ever be a "happy family" again...and its actually quite sad.

 

[liandrajade]

This is a really classic situation and in a way, I do feel sorry for grandma.

Because her daughter and granddaughter lived with her she developed an unrealistic sense of entitlement to her grandchild and the belief that she has more power/standing/authority than she has in a legally realistic sense. Apparently uncle has developed that same sense of entitlement.

She also apparently believes that spanking is abuse, and refuses to understand that it is not, legally abuse.

I suspect that she also was not happy that her daughter and grandchild left her home to live with this guy.

Roll all of that up in a ball, and the first time she hears of something she doesn't like, she takes it way over the top and she and her son threaten her daughter and boyfriend.

Now she cannot understand why she isn't allowed regular contact with the child. Clearly, from what she has said here, she refuses to even consider that she and her son were over the top and behaved badly.

As a result, this group of people is unlikely to ever be a "happy family" again...and its actually quite sad.

Grandma put herself in this situation, she has no one to blame but herself and her ridiculous actions.

I do not care what the situation is, there is NO RATIONAL REASON whatsoever for a GRANDPARENT to make such threats about calling CPS, suing for this and that unless without a shadow of a doubt there is something proven wrong. There is no logical, sensible reason to cause such turmoil and upheaval when a simple conversation or discussion is all that is required.

I re-read through the posts again and it would appear a case of a "classic" over controlling grandparent who is trying to maintain control over her adult child and her grand child. Which leads me to believe this is another reason OP's daughter is not letting her near her child. This sounds like a typical toxic grandparent who is bent on having their way and will not see anything else.

 

[LdiJ]

Grandma put herself in this situation, she has no one to blame but herself and her ridiculous actions.

I do not care what the situation is, there is NO RATIONAL REASON whatsoever for a GRANDPARENT to make such threats about calling CPS, suing for this and that unless without a shadow of a doubt there is something proven wrong. There is no logical, sensible reason to cause such turmoil and upheaval when a simple conversation or discussion is all that is required.

I re-read through the posts again and it would appear a case of a "classic" over controlling grandparent who is trying to maintain control over her adult child and her grand child. Which leads me to believe this is another reason OP's daughter is not letting her near her child. This sounds like a typical toxic grandparent who is bent on having their way and will not see anything else.

I don't disagree with you at all. However, mom is a tiny bit to blame too because she allowed her mother and brother to develop that unfortunate sense of entitlement. She didn't have any clue what was happening, but she was a small part of the problem.

I also have an almost 5 year old granddaughter who has lived in my home since birth, with my daughter as well. Because I am cognizant of the problems inherent in that, I remind myself (and my daughter, LOL) on a daily basis, that I am "just the grandmother". Therefore I am prepared for the day when they eventually move out.

In fact, even though I know it will hurt, I have a mental list of all the positive things that will result from that, LOL, not the least being that I will be able to enjoy spending time with my granddaughter, but will be able to GIVE HER BACK when she has worn me out.

If she comes to me complaining that someone has given her a spanking, unless she has serious bruises from such my first question to her will be, "what did you do to get the spanking" and then I will be explaining to her why that behavior was unacceptable. If I have any concerns, I will be discussing those concerns quietly and privately with my daughter...without making any threats.

I am just the grandma. No matter how much I have shared in the coparenting, out of necessity, I am still just the grandma.

 

[cyjeff]

Let me wrap this up into a nice package.

OP, the moment ANYONE would have threatened me or my wife with death because we were not parenting according to their standards would have been the last moment those toxic people would be allowed in my or my child's life.

Even if.

I say this as both a father and a stepfather.

Let me turn this around. If someone would have sat you down 20 years ago and told you that they would kill you if you didn't immediately change your parenting style to what THEY thought was appropriate, how far would you have told them to jump?

You have an emotional attachment to the child. If you wish to continue that attachment, I recommend you start kissing the ass of mom and boyfriend.

Anything other than that will NOT work for you.

Yes, you could sue... but your chances of winning are slim and I guarantee suing is one choice you cannot "do over".

You sue and lose... you won't even get a Christmas card.

 

[liandrajade]

I don't disagree with you at all. However, mom is a tiny bit to blame too because she allowed her mother and brother to develop that unfortunate sense of entitlement. She didn't have any clue what was happening, but she was a small part of the problem.

I agree with this since I am guilty of this too, but then again you never think your family, especially your own MOTHER would ever turn on you. That in itself is just a shocking event to deal with. It still does not excuse a grandparent from starting a huge battle that never had to be if the GP just took a step back.

I sincerely hope that OP reads this and wakes up. You gain nothing by antagonizing and making threats, all you do is further make the distance worse. I hope you realize the path you are going down and stop before it goes somewhere you cannot come back from, I say this from a LEGAL standpoint and as my personal opinion.

I have a court order for visitation between my oldest child and her grandmother. I have nothing but resentment and contempt for the woman now, I will never trust the woman ever again and further more refuse to allow her toxicity near my other children which thankfully, she has no legal recourse to ever see.

Is this the road you really want to walk down OP?

 

[stealth2]

Dont think letters wll work, she just turned seven and doesnt read yet.

 

[davew128]

Don't you find it sorry that a person thinks it is "okay" for her son the issue Terroristic Threats but a swat on the bottom is "abuse"?

Quite honestly, if I was the boyfriend and had been threatened like that, it would have been for the last time after my first punch broke the son's jaw when he finished shooting his mouth off. In the real world, you don't make idle threats without real word consequences.

 

[Proserpina]

Quite honestly, if I was the boyfriend and had been threatened like that, it would have been for the last time after my first punch broke the son's jaw when he finished shooting his mouth off. In the real world, you don't make idle threats without real word consequences.

Yes, because that really sends a positive message about appropriate responses to anger.

NOT.

Jeez, dave. Really?

 

[davew128]

Yes, because that really sends a positive message about appropriate responses to anger.

NOT.

Jeez, dave. Really?

Yes. Really. Someone makes a serious and credible threat to cause immediate bodily harm to you, the most direct and immediate response is to remove the threat. Someone threatens to kill me because they have their head up their rectum about how I am legally treating my GF's kid (hypothetically in my case as she doesn't have a kid)? I defend myself first and deal with the self defense justification second.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes. Really. Someone makes a serious and credible threat to cause immediate bodily harm to you, the most direct and immediate response is to remove the threat. Someone threatens to kill me because they have their head up their rectum about how I am legally treating my GF's kid (hypothetically in my case as she doesn't have a kid)? I defend myself first and deal with the self defense justification second.

...please don't have kids.

If you already do - get them into counseling.


/end hijack. Sorry Op.

 

[davew128]

...please don't have kids.

If you already do - get them into counseling.


/end hijack. Sorry Op.

Your unwarranted ego and morality. Get over it.

 

[Ohiogal]

Quite honestly, if I was the boyfriend and had been threatened like that, it would have been for the last time after my first punch broke the son's jaw when he finished shooting his mouth off. In the real world, you don't make idle threats without real word consequences.

And you would have been arrested and charged and convicted most likely because it would NOT have been considered self defense.

 

[dannyt]

you should have butted out

I am hoping to resolve this with my daughter. I love her so much. I am not only missing my grandaughter but my daughter too.

When we found out about the spanking we sat them both down to talk. I basically told him it was wrong and if it happened again i would call CPS. My son told him if he ever touched her again he would kill him, which of course he didnt mean but we say things when we are angry. My son was the only father figure my grandaughter had for five years. My daughters boyfriend is still pissed about it.

and your son is lucky bf didnt call the police or file a restraining order against him. your son may have been a father figure, but he is not the father, and you both were way out of line. would you or your son like it if someone told you how to parent YOUR child? if you and your son ever hope to see this child again, in the future, keep your mouths shut and your noses out of mom's business.otherwise you can forget about ever seeing the child again. neither you or your son have any rights to this child.

 

[gam]

Your granddaughter has more problems then just receiving a spanking, if she can't read at 7. Although I suspect it is you with the problem, you don't know your granddaughter at all. You stuck your nose in where it does not belong, now your shut out from your grandchild's life and you don't know what she can and can't do. Kids start reading in kindergarten and by 1st grade they are pretty good readers.

I would first start writing your daughter letters and apologizing for what you have done in this. Then maybe she will let you back in your grandchild's life and you will be able to hear her read. You think your shut out now, go ahead and keep sticking your nose in. Go ahead and file for grandparent rights and your daughter will shut you out forever of both her and her daughter's life.

As everyone already said a spanking is not considered abuse. My niece's ex did more then spank the children and she called CPS. CPS investigated and then wrote him a letter telling him how to spank without leaving marks. So as long as he don't leave marks, CPS don't care.

Your son making threats, well now the police might just care about that.