child abuse...do/can I do anything legally?

[milspecgirl]

please let us know what happens with the ex-parte.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

OP, I am so shocked that you are having to go through all of this. I can't believe how hard you have to fight just to have your daughter's injuries be known. God help me if anything like this happened to Little Girl...

Good work on running this down. Keep it up and let us know how it goes later today.

 

[MichaCA]

Thanks for your words...oddly this super drawn out custody battle initiated by dad has pretty much baffled me, and I have felt beaten down over the years by many of the judgements. Here with child abuse, still an uphill battle. Its weird, even the sheriff said she didn't consider it a violent act (grabbing by the throat...pushing down, hitting head hard enough to have a bump six days later, punched in the side, bruise still on her arm) and I kept asking her what her definition was.

Anyway, now is the uphill battle - mediation is two weeks, need to get my act together, and court in little more than three weeks from now.

I WAS granted the emergency order, thank God!!!! Dad came to pick her up (he was served and had access to all the same info, don't know what his deal was) and kind of stalked my car after we got in. So she is safe for three more weeks!!! And I am going to do my very best to not just get the legal people to take this seriously, but to get the family law judge to take it seriously - as birdbrain said with her sister - and not just get some anger management class, get bashed in court (by his attorney) for yet another attempt to alienate the child from the father, and go back to regular visitation schedule. Seriously. I need to grow a pair, and quick

 

[liandrajade]

Thanks for your words...oddly this super drawn out custody battle initiated by dad has pretty much baffled me, and I have felt beaten down over the years by many of the judgements. Here with child abuse, still an uphill battle. Its weird, even the sheriff said she didn't consider it a violent act (grabbing by the throat...pushing down, hitting head hard enough to have a bump six days later, punched in the side, bruise still on her arm) and I kept asking her what her definition was.

Anyway, now is the uphill battle - mediation is two weeks, need to get my act together, and court in little more than three weeks from now.

I WAS granted the emergency order, thank God!!!! Dad came to pick her up (he was served and had access to all the same info, don't know what his deal was) and kind of stalked my car after we got in. So she is safe for three more weeks!!! And I am going to do my very best to not just get the legal people to take this seriously, but to get the family law judge to take it seriously - as birdbrain said with her sister - and not just get some anger management class, get bashed in court (by his attorney) for yet another attempt to alienate the child from the father, and go back to regular visitation schedule. Seriously. I need to grow a pair, and quick

Awesome! I'm glad kiddo is safer for now, the key is paper trail, anything and everything you may have on the abuse is your friend. Keep a level head, do not get over emotional and just focus on the game plan. You will do fine!

 

[cbg]

Very relieved to hear that she's safe.

I know we moved beyond this but just for the heck of it, I've had visits to two different ER's in this area. One asked me if there was anyone at home I was afraid of, one didn't.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for your words...oddly this super drawn out custody battle initiated by dad has pretty much baffled me, and I have felt beaten down over the years by many of the judgements. Here with child abuse, still an uphill battle. Its weird, even the sheriff said she didn't consider it a violent act (grabbing by the throat...pushing down, hitting head hard enough to have a bump six days later, punched in the side, bruise still on her arm) and I kept asking her what her definition was.

Anyway, now is the uphill battle - mediation is two weeks, need to get my act together, and court in little more than three weeks from now.

I WAS granted the emergency order, thank God!!!! Dad came to pick her up (he was served and had access to all the same info, don't know what his deal was) and kind of stalked my car after we got in. So she is safe for three more weeks!!! And I am going to do my very best to not just get the legal people to take this seriously, but to get the family law judge to take it seriously - as birdbrain said with her sister - and not just get some anger management class, get bashed in court (by his attorney) for yet another attempt to alienate the child from the father, and go back to regular visitation schedule. Seriously. I need to grow a pair, and quick

I really think that you need to get a GAL involved. Someone that can talk to the child and convey to the courts what the child has to say. It just kills me to hear that your child said "I am used to it now". That is just so incredibly sad.

 

[reportermom]

Not legal advice.

You need to write down all of your emotions whether they are good, bad, or whatever so that you can remember what this past week has felt like when you are going in front of the judge.

The emotions that you have felt in the past week have given you the power to get to this point, they will serve you well if you remember them before you go in front of the judge for the hearings. You may have worked through them by that time, but it should help get you fired up and ready to FIGHT for your daughter.

 

[MichaCA]

Hi folks,

I have court ordered mediation this coming Friday. I need to submit a declaration by Wednesday am so am going to whip up a rough draft tomorrow.

The child abuse issue is enough. Talked to the CPS worker and she almost shocked me. She said after talking to me, and my daughter (at school) that she is strongly leaning towards making a recommendation to court (it would be the mediator we see) that daughter spends significantly less time at her dads. BUT she had not talked to the dad and gotten his version yet.

Some of you know, I have had major issues around summer vacation every year, have wanted revisions with that and a few other things. My thinking is leave everything else alone until this situation is heard and dealt with. I never in a million years thought there was even a chance daughter would have reduced time...however she made if crystal clear, when asked, to the cps worker her negative feelings towards her dad. I am so trying not to get my hopes up. But if there is even that chance, I'm thinking deal with that stuff (vacation issues, his refusal to let me get her braces) later in court although dad will certainly use later court dates to try to get more and more visitation time. Thats what he did for the eight years he took me to court, to daughters detriment.

Sorry if I make this sound complicated. I am thinking mainly focus on the child abuse, see if I can get anything to happen around that...drop restrictions in court order having to do with her counseling, Period.

Any advice?

 

[LdiJ]

Hi folks,

I have court ordered mediation this coming Friday. I need to submit a declaration by Wednesday am so am going to whip up a rough draft tomorrow.

The child abuse issue is enough. Talked to the CPS worker and she almost shocked me. She said after talking to me, and my daughter (at school) that she is strongly leaning towards making a recommendation to court (it would be the mediator we see) that daughter spends significantly less time at her dads. BUT she had not talked to the dad and gotten his version yet.

Some of you know, I have had major issues around summer vacation every year, have wanted revisions with that and a few other things. My thinking is leave everything else alone until this situation is heard and dealt with. I never in a million years thought there was even a chance daughter would have reduced time...however she made if crystal clear, when asked, to the cps worker her negative feelings towards her dad. I am so trying not to get my hopes up. But if there is even that chance, I'm thinking deal with that stuff (vacation issues, his refusal to let me get her braces) later in court although dad will certainly use later court dates to try to get more and more visitation time. Thats what he did for the eight years he took me to court, to daughters detriment.

Sorry if I make this sound complicated. I am thinking mainly focus on the child abuse, see if I can get anything to happen around that...drop restrictions in court order having to do with her counseling, Period.

Any advice?

I think that you are right to focus on the child abuse only at this point. Once that is all dealt with you may already have many changes that could make some of your other issues moot.

 

[MichaCA]

Thanks LdiJ...I'm also going to be looking into the GAL thing...however, do you think I should wait until we are actually in court? The reason I ask is IF daughters time is significantly reduced with dad, is a GAL then necessary? I am hoping to get a tone of the mediators thinking while we are in there. Then I will have 5 business days until the court date.

I am thinking for future episodes of abuse (I know it just doesn't go away on its own and I don't see dad changing) that her having a counselor is as good as a GAL in terms of having a third party speak up for her?

 

[CJane]

Thanks LdiJ...I'm also going to be looking into the GAL thing...however, do you think I should wait until we are actually in court? The reason I ask is IF daughters time is significantly reduced with dad, is a GAL then necessary? I am hoping to get a tone of the mediators thinking while we are in there. Then I will have 5 business days until the court date.

I am thinking for future episodes of abuse (I know it just doesn't go away on its own and I don't see dad changing) that her having a counselor is as good as a GAL in terms of having a third party speak up for her?

A GAL and a counselor aren't interchangeable as far as making sure that LEGALLY your daughter's best interests are covered.

CC would know more about this, but I think, prior to mediation, you should file a motion to have a GAL appointed.

 

[MichaCA]

Update

I have court in two days - Friday morning. We got stuck with this commisioner who is brand new and acted really funky during a brief hearing to discuss continuing the case (until this Friday).

I received the mediators recommendation in the mail. In CA, this recommendation goes to the judge and the judge relies heavily on it. Then the parties can hash it out in court to fight for changes from it.

The beginning of the recommendations under "parental contact" says:
Father and ____ shall have no contact which is not within a therapeutic context and with the guidance of a licensed family therapist"

It says later "...contact between father and _____ shall occur as the counselor deems appropriate and/or necessary to their progress in developing a healthy child-parent relationship..."*

*this seems to give a LOT of power to a therapist. I am assuming this kind of special therapy cost a lot of money. And it sure is someone I will have to trust a LOT to have my daughters welfare at heart.

The sad thing about all of this is the physical child abuse has gone mostly ignored. The commisioner looked at me at our brief 'mini hearing' and said "the doctor doesn't say the injuries are from child abuse". I didn't say anything. I don't think its a doctors job to decide that but maybe I'm wrong.

My plan is to go in and
1. request a person from Medi-cal available do therapy with daughter be court ordered. (father had objections)
2. agree with the father-child therapy.
3. ask that dad be ordered to have his own therapy
4. request that we not do co-parent counseling (recommended) but that I put my money, which is very small money, into helping to pay for the father-child therapy as that seems a priority.
5. request that dad complete an anger management program.

These are all things my ex-attorney recommended. The only things recommended were the coparent counseling and the clause about father-child contact, and therapy between them. And its all because the mediator talked to my daughter, as well as CPS worker, but again...NO ONE has expressed concern or alarm around the child abuse...its around hearing the conflict and stress in daughter when with her father. I'm a bit shocked and flabbergasted. About the whole thing.

Anyway, I just wanted to update...any tips appreciated.

 

[CJane]

I would request that the "therapeutic visits" take place at a center specifically designed/intended for that purpose, and that they be solely at Father's expense.

I would also request that you be allowed to choose (exclusively) an independent therapist for your daughter, and that the court order that the chosen therapist be the one to recommend to the court that Dad and Child have more regular/less supervised contact.

I would NOT object to co-parenting counseling, but I WOULD request that if it's ordered, the cost be covered by father. OR that it only be ordered if it's covered by insurance/on a sliding scale.

I would NOT request that Dad be ordered to complete anger management classes - that falls into controlling HIM rather than protecting the child. I'm pretty sure a judge would see therapeutic contact/independent counseling/etc as sufficient to protect the child w/out ordering Dad to take anger management.

I'm really not surprised that the physical abuse is being "ignored". Frankly, I think it's MUCH more important to focus on the stress/conflict/etc anyway. The physical abuse is important, certainly, but it's not nearly as regular/routine as the emotional impact.

 

[MichaCA]

Thank you CJane...I am adding your great advice to my notes. CA is pretty black and white both parties paying 1/2 of coparent counseling...I thought I might weasel out of it by putting the focus on the parent/child counseling.

But your right...maybe he should pay for the whole shabang. I'm need to download a income/expense form to take to court to show how little money I have right now. I will be settling a auto accident claim this year (hopefully) but I will need to pay off money thats been loaned to me to live right now. I have been going to school but it will take a while to get trained/get a job that is non-physical. So I am anticipating being poorfor a couple more years.

*The courts can't ding me for that, right? I always have healthy food, a roof over our head, great school for daughter, good car, etc...just no extras.

As far as the physical abuse; going into this I wasn't expecting much of a response. But that someone actually listened to my daughter and took her seriously around the conflict/stress is just so...unheard of - I just never would have expected it. I DO feel like the court should at least acknowledged it - its part of the reason they have the other conflict. No one seems to want to point it out, teachers, etc...its weird. No one wants to address it as a significant issue in their relationship. But I know the bottom line is if things go OK in court, daughter IS protected, period.

I know I am rambling...I have been exhausted and scattered - this coincides with a huge HW project plus midterm and I'm not handling all of it at once very well.

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you CJane...I am adding your great advice to my notes. CA is pretty black and white both parties paying 1/2 of coparent counseling...I thought I might weasel out of it by putting the focus on the parent/child counseling.

But your right...maybe he should pay for the whole shabang. I'm need to download a income/expense form to take to court to show how little money I have right now. I will be settling a auto accident claim this year (hopefully) but I will need to pay off money thats been loaned to me to live right now. I have been going to school but it will take a while to get trained/get a job that is non-physical. So I am anticipating being poorfor a couple more years.

*The courts can't ding me for that, right? I always have healthy food, a roof over our head, great school for daughter, good car, etc...just no extras.

As far as the physical abuse; going into this I wasn't expecting much of a response. But that someone actually listened to my daughter and took her seriously around the conflict/stress is just so...unheard of - I just never would have expected it. I DO feel like the court should at least acknowledged it - its part of the reason they have the other conflict. No one seems to want to point it out, teachers, etc...its weird. No one wants to address it as a significant issue in their relationship. But I know the bottom line is if things go OK in court, daughter IS protected, period.

I know I am rambling...I have been exhausted and scattered - this coincides with a huge HW project plus midterm and I'm not handling all of it at once very well.

Micha, I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to wish you and kiddo luck.