What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California
Hi all, I'm trying to see if what I am going to try to propose to my ex-husband seems fair, as I don't want to make this any more drawn out than it already has been....
We've been separated for 10 years, have two sons, 13 and 11. When we first separated he was in college obtaining his bachelors degree and we were and are still on a relatively friendly basis, and we made the decision that the boys would live with me and visit with him every other weekend. For about 5 years I drove them approximately 30 miles to drop them off and pick them up as he constantly complained about not having money. I felt (coming from a divorced family) that I needed to do my part to make sure that the boys had their father in their life.
Fast forward 10 years, here we are and I'm finally at the point where I can't wait any more on filing the divorce papers or custody papers. Every other weekend he has our sons, and now picks them up from school on the Friday's he has them and returns them either Sunday night to home, or Monday morning to school. I have no problems with this arrangement, however, he is stating now that he has a right to them every weekend and every holiday and that I should schedule my job around them so that I can spend more time with them during the week. I obviously don't agree with him, as I feel that since day one I struggled and fought tooth and nail to provide for those two boys, living in a "crap" area and then finally breaking through with a little luck and a lot of hard work to provide them with a nice home where they have their own rooms and are by their friends and have a good school. He has yet to pay anything more than $20 in assistance (and I do understand that if I wanted it, I would have had to go to the court to ask for it prior to now) in 10 years, and even now states that if I want him to pay for half of their medical care, they can go live with him and he'll pay for their insurance. Other than that, I'm out of luck. So, it's either his way or the highway it seems. Which, although I don’t believe a judge or mediator will care about, he lives in a 1 bedroom apartment, still makes under $40K a year, while I make almost three times that amount, and took 14 years to get his degree. And while I agree that money isn’t everything, it does help to have it to raise kids, especially two teenage boys. His attitude and behavior also got my youngest son kicked off of his club soccer team, as his coach stated “it’s not your son or your commitment or lack thereof, it’s his fathers who assumes that we are just going to turn a blind eye that he doesn’t care”. On top of it all, when it comes to the tough stuff, like homework and grades, he’s quick to judge, but short on helping out. Believe me, I am the last person to claim mother of the year, I’ve made my mistakes along the way. But it does get a little irking when someone who wants to treat my sons like “trophy children” wants all of the rewards, but none of the work. I guess which brings me to my proposal to him that I would like opinions on if I’m getting it right or not, and if a judge would agree to this:
75%, 25% joint physical custody, with primary custody to me. This breaks out to every other weekend, every other holiday and half of their summer vacation. Not sure if I HAVE to agree give him joint physical or just visitation?
Joint legal custody (even though personally I don’t think he deserves it, I know it’s a tough road to go down). He has half a say in everything, except for school, which really neither of us get a choice in, and who is doctor and dentists are, as those are chosen by the insurance company.
He pays for half of their medical coverage (which equates to about $250 a month), plus half of all co-payments (as it turns out braces cost about $1800).
He pays $250 a month in child support.
He pays half of all extra curricular activities. He gets half a say in the activity (if the kids want to do it), and I get the other half.
Both of us are allowed to take the kids on vacation, whether out of state or out of the country as long as they notify the other parent and the other parent does not object. Basic travel info to be provided.
I’m not sure if I’m missing anything, and it burns me sideways as I’m writing this as I personally don’t feel like he deserves anything more than a swift kick in the but. I don’t believe that someone who wants to walk the walk shouldn’t have to talk the talk as well. My kids unfortunately have given up on him holding his word to them, and as much as I tell them that it’s ok, I’m sure he didn’t mean to do it, after 10 years, now I’m lying to them. My 13 year old resents him, my 11 year old is on the same road, as instead of trying to be an active role model in their lives, he chooses to spend more time on and off the field with the college kids he coaches. His mother called me several years ago that she wanted me to stop the boys from going with him, or anything I could do because he was dating a 17 year old girl. Not to mention that the 17 year old girl was the girl that would “babysit” the boys on the side of the field while he was coaching when she was 15. I don’t mean to vent, it’s just when you get started typing, you can’t stop, and it makes me crazy that you have to be beating your children to be considered an unfit parent, and he barely skirts the rules. From a mother’s perspective who would give her left arm without batting an eyelash, to have worked and struggled and fought to raise those kids to be what most people compliment me on as “role model” kids, to then have to compromise on the above makes me ill. But, it is what it is, and if I have to play this way I will, I guess maybe this way someone could share a little perspective on my rant?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Hi all, I'm trying to see if what I am going to try to propose to my ex-husband seems fair, as I don't want to make this any more drawn out than it already has been....
We've been separated for 10 years, have two sons, 13 and 11. When we first separated he was in college obtaining his bachelors degree and we were and are still on a relatively friendly basis, and we made the decision that the boys would live with me and visit with him every other weekend. For about 5 years I drove them approximately 30 miles to drop them off and pick them up as he constantly complained about not having money. I felt (coming from a divorced family) that I needed to do my part to make sure that the boys had their father in their life.
Fast forward 10 years, here we are and I'm finally at the point where I can't wait any more on filing the divorce papers or custody papers. Every other weekend he has our sons, and now picks them up from school on the Friday's he has them and returns them either Sunday night to home, or Monday morning to school. I have no problems with this arrangement, however, he is stating now that he has a right to them every weekend and every holiday and that I should schedule my job around them so that I can spend more time with them during the week. I obviously don't agree with him, as I feel that since day one I struggled and fought tooth and nail to provide for those two boys, living in a "crap" area and then finally breaking through with a little luck and a lot of hard work to provide them with a nice home where they have their own rooms and are by their friends and have a good school. He has yet to pay anything more than $20 in assistance (and I do understand that if I wanted it, I would have had to go to the court to ask for it prior to now) in 10 years, and even now states that if I want him to pay for half of their medical care, they can go live with him and he'll pay for their insurance. Other than that, I'm out of luck. So, it's either his way or the highway it seems. Which, although I don’t believe a judge or mediator will care about, he lives in a 1 bedroom apartment, still makes under $40K a year, while I make almost three times that amount, and took 14 years to get his degree. And while I agree that money isn’t everything, it does help to have it to raise kids, especially two teenage boys. His attitude and behavior also got my youngest son kicked off of his club soccer team, as his coach stated “it’s not your son or your commitment or lack thereof, it’s his fathers who assumes that we are just going to turn a blind eye that he doesn’t care”. On top of it all, when it comes to the tough stuff, like homework and grades, he’s quick to judge, but short on helping out. Believe me, I am the last person to claim mother of the year, I’ve made my mistakes along the way. But it does get a little irking when someone who wants to treat my sons like “trophy children” wants all of the rewards, but none of the work. I guess which brings me to my proposal to him that I would like opinions on if I’m getting it right or not, and if a judge would agree to this:
75%, 25% joint physical custody, with primary custody to me. This breaks out to every other weekend, every other holiday and half of their summer vacation. Not sure if I HAVE to agree give him joint physical or just visitation?
Joint legal custody (even though personally I don’t think he deserves it, I know it’s a tough road to go down). He has half a say in everything, except for school, which really neither of us get a choice in, and who is doctor and dentists are, as those are chosen by the insurance company.
He pays for half of their medical coverage (which equates to about $250 a month), plus half of all co-payments (as it turns out braces cost about $1800).
He pays $250 a month in child support.
He pays half of all extra curricular activities. He gets half a say in the activity (if the kids want to do it), and I get the other half.
Both of us are allowed to take the kids on vacation, whether out of state or out of the country as long as they notify the other parent and the other parent does not object. Basic travel info to be provided.
I’m not sure if I’m missing anything, and it burns me sideways as I’m writing this as I personally don’t feel like he deserves anything more than a swift kick in the but. I don’t believe that someone who wants to walk the walk shouldn’t have to talk the talk as well. My kids unfortunately have given up on him holding his word to them, and as much as I tell them that it’s ok, I’m sure he didn’t mean to do it, after 10 years, now I’m lying to them. My 13 year old resents him, my 11 year old is on the same road, as instead of trying to be an active role model in their lives, he chooses to spend more time on and off the field with the college kids he coaches. His mother called me several years ago that she wanted me to stop the boys from going with him, or anything I could do because he was dating a 17 year old girl. Not to mention that the 17 year old girl was the girl that would “babysit” the boys on the side of the field while he was coaching when she was 15. I don’t mean to vent, it’s just when you get started typing, you can’t stop, and it makes me crazy that you have to be beating your children to be considered an unfit parent, and he barely skirts the rules. From a mother’s perspective who would give her left arm without batting an eyelash, to have worked and struggled and fought to raise those kids to be what most people compliment me on as “role model” kids, to then have to compromise on the above makes me ill. But, it is what it is, and if I have to play this way I will, I guess maybe this way someone could share a little perspective on my rant?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
