custody, child support, visitation

[Ohiogal]

Ok, so has anyone posting dealt with California CPS directly? I still can't get a phone call back from them and figured it would just be good to get some general information from them about what happens. Again, it's the unknown of the crazy stories. I know that really the only time that something gets posted on the internet is when it's a complaint, but there seem to be quite a few of them. Do the CPS agents actually have training that allow them to see if someone is lying or not? Or are they just untrained workers that get to make the decision based off of what side of the bed they woke up on? I DO NOT want to get on CPS's bad side, from what I have read, that will make matters worse. I'm not so much worried about me being a good parent (I know that I'm not the best, but I'm not horrible), but more of what kind of impact it has on the kids?

Paxilicious: I have tried to work things out fairly with him. He stomps his feet, cusses me out, and tells me how he's always right, and that what I'm suggesting isn't good enough, and that I'm just turning his kids against him (mind you, I'm the one who forced the relationship between them)..... I'm not 100% sure that mediation will happen.... We may end up there, but I'm sure he will end up doing the same with the mediator. Either that, or he'll act like he's Mr. Wonderful and has it all together and I'm crazy. I'm fine with either, as long as he doesn't gain custody of them. I don't think that I'm too far out of line with what has been happening and getting angry about it. My kids don't see me angry, I won't let them, it's not their fault, and as much as I'm trying to let it roll off of my shoulders, ANYONE telling my son that he is stupid will make me angry.

No, CPS workers are NOT trained lie detectors. They operate on gut instinct, feeling or whether they like you or not.

 

[mistoffolees]

Its not paranoid. It is quite true. CPS/CSB has a track record of abusing their power. They did it in Texas when they removed dozens of children from their parents because they practiced polygamy. They have done it in Ohio with various cases that I have first hand litigated. They have done it in California -- that case went to the US Supreme Court. I have had CPS workers make up stories, mislead the court and out and out lie under oath. I have also seen them pinpoint various families for basically harassment because of personal vendettas. I have had workers who have not followed policy, procedure or the law and nothing happens because the agency is represented by the prosecutors in our state.

I have had caseworkers, supervisors and even agency attorneys tell me to quit with Constitutional arguments because the Constitution does not apply to juvenile court. Should I continue? Out of dozens of caseworkers in my county that I have dealt with, I can name less than a handful that have always played straight, followed the law, done their job and protected children. The others have proven that they will lie to cover themselves. They will twist the truth when it suits them and threaten, coerce and harass parents while on some gleeful power trip. I have had clients come to me who have been forced to help the agency prosecute them under the threat that if they wouldn't sign releases they would never see their children. I have had cases where fathers were not notified that their children were in foster care because it was easier for the workers to lie and state they didn't know of a father.


Should I continue? Sorry but CPS/CSB believe they are above the law. Parents need to realize they do NOT have to cooperate with them.

I agree that parents do not have to cooperate with CPS, but there may be times when they should. In some cases, failure to cooperate is going to open you up for endless problems and litigation. That's why I suggested talking with a local attorney who knows the climate and the way that CPS operates - and will also know what CPS is trying to accomplish.

 

[single317dad]

Out of dozens of caseworkers in my county that I have dealt with, I can name less than a handful that have always played straight, followed the law, done their job and protected children. The others have proven that they will lie to cover themselves. They will twist the truth when it suits them and threaten, coerce and harass parents while on some gleeful power trip.

Totally agreed. I have dealt with DCS in my county, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and the way they handle their difficult job. However, the same department in a neighboring county (where my ex is) has done nothing but harass, threaten, and manipulate me at every turn. I refused to speak with them in April, and I will refuse in the future as well.

 

[Isis1]

OP, i've had my two years where every knock on my door was CPS. not once have i had a problem. they walk in, peek in my rooms, ask me to open the fridge, open the cupboards, take a glance at our alcohol collection. sat down, chatted up with me. never had one with an attitude. i was open, honest.

the report came from the therapist. the therapist YOU are taking the child for. what you are seeing in a mandated reporter doing his/her job. and a social worker rfollowing up on the child.

as long as you have no drugs, no porn, no dangerous objects within reach, you are pretty much okay.

 

[helpinca]

Thank you again for all of your help everyone. I guess I am not immune to the fears of dealing with CPS. Nothing here like you mentioned Isis, but I have had to have the discussion with my oldest son about porn that the boys at school were looking at, and I found in the history of his iPod. Nothing damaging though from the looks of it. That was about 6 months ago. Is that something that they could hold against me. I just figured it was part of being a teenage boy.

I spoke again with my son's psychologist after work. He assured me that if it came to a point that we would end up in court, he would speak the truth about what my son has told him, suggested that I speak with a therapist myself to help deal with my concerns and fears, and that I had nothing to be worried about. He said in his dealings with the CPS in our area, they are very realistic and expect families to have its issues as no one is perfect.

I think maybe I should just talk to a family law attorney just in case? I know here most of them give free consultations?

So much for trying to do this the nice and easy way... (as I laugh in displeasure after reading the beginning of this thread). So we will trudge on, I haven't been doing it on my own for this long to give up now.

Thank you again everyone, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of your feedback and help.

 

[helpinca]

Ok, so I feel like I'm becoming the itch that won't go away..... I apologize in advance.

I'm going to ask questions based on the premise that DCS won't find anything wrong with either my soon to be ex's house or mine, so bear with me please...

A couple of months ago my ex, my son, and I went to his high school orientation. At the time, my ex wanted my son to sign up for football (I was opposed). I let him fill in the request for more information paperwork and proceeded to meet with the coach (my ex is a football coach), and ask him questions about what they were doing to help ensure the reduction of head injuries. He said that if parents wanted to purchase the newer helmets they could ($300), and that every sport has its risks (which I 100% agree with). I told my son and his father that we would talk about it, but I was not 100% comfortable with it. We also talked and signed up for basketball, as my son was interested in that as well. We also had talked about a basketball camp that was going on, and how it was a good idea for him and that his father and I would each split it. When we left and returned home (without my ex), I explained to my son about the studies that have been done about the long term injuries to the brain and the "punch drunk syndrome". I went on to actually google it and showed him study after study and how many hits to the head the average high school football player gets per game. He whined a bit about it, and I told him that if he could bring up an "intelligent argument" about it, I would talk to him, other than that, my answer was no. I told him to go to his dad and see if he could help him, but if they came back with nothing, the answer was no to football. After three days, it never came up again.

Now, fast forward a couple of months to the "stupid" name calling incident. What had brought this on was my sons math grade. He was in Algebra in 8th grade and had struggled through it the entire year. He failed the final, and when I say failed HE REALLY FAILED, and ended up pulling an "F" in the class. When I first saw that he was struggling, I tried to get him a tutor and asked his father to help pay for half because I couldn't afford to pay for all of it. I still can't. His father told me that he's just lazy and doesn't need one. For the life of me, I don't understand my son and his math, we sit and go over it at night and he gets it, but then flops on tests. Now mind you, his math grade was never an issue to my ex until my son had started asking about whether or not his father was going to help pay for the basketball camp like he had said he would. His response was that he was doing nothing of the sort, he was going to work to get him held back a year and have him tested for special education.

When I called him about the conversation he had with my son, I admit 100%, I yelled because I was angry. Was it the right thing to do? Absolutely not, and I did apologize at the end of the conversation. Did I still sign him up for basketball camp? I sure did. Right thing to do or not? Not sure, but my son had to pay for half of it if he wanted to go (he gets money for chores around the house), and I would pay the other half. I also figured that it gets him out of the house for 2 hours a day doing something productive. It also did not infringe on his dad's time, so why not?

Last night my son came home from camp telling me that he had been asked to play basketball on the summer league, separate from the camp. I told him that I was fine with it, however, I was not going to speak for his dad and commit him to something that his dad would be unable to commit to. I told him to call his dad and ask him what he thought about it. Wrong move as it turns out, his dad proceeded to yell at him on the phone for being in basketball camp at all, that he had said "no" (which he didn't to me, and as far as I knew, not to my son), and that there was no way he was going to allow him to play basketball, whether it be on my time or not, as he didn't deserve it. He also reiterated the "holding him back a year" and that he was going to prove to the court that I was a bad mom because he had talked to attorneys and they told him that my son getting an "F" in math warrants him gaining full custody.

Sorry to be so long, but I felt like if I gave you all of what happened it might eliminate some questions.

My question is does he have a leg to stand on? With the one incident of my son looking at porn, and now the "F" can I lose my kids? What was supposed to be a mutual agreement is turning into a nightmare....Can he control my son not going to basketball camp even though it's on my time and paid for by me and my son?

Thanks for all of your help in advance.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

What matters is what you do to help the child with the math issue. My daughter is having the same problem.

I can tell you that if he goes on to the high school level, there may land up being chances for him to get help there. I know that our high school offers math tutoring thru the National Honor Society. The NHS members have to do so much volunteer work and they can do it thru tutoring. A peer may be able to help him.

You can also ask for the judge to order dad to pay for his percentage of tutoring costs (think busting his chops here ).

Now, you can sign him up for the basketball if the team understands that he won't play on dad's days.

And you might want to think about keeping conversations in "writing" with the X. You can use a company called "readnotify.com" where they have an option to have certified emails that can be taken to court.

 

[helpinca]

Awesome, I know that our high school has the NHS and that they do offer tutoring. Can he be the only one to decide on holding him back? Wouldn't it be the school board's decision? And do I get a say at all? I know he just went through the graduation ceremony and received a certificate that stated he had been certified for promotion to high school.

So how likely is he going to win against the "status quo" and prove that I'm an unfit mother by those couple of things? He would complain that I didn't cut the boys fingernails (petty) and that he is almost holding down my oldest forcing him to cut his hair that isn't long (i almost think borderline rude, especially when he tells him he looks like white trash if it's over an inch long)? Do those things count against me? I guess I'm trying to find out what the court will see as me being a bad mom and what's just going to be seen as stupid?

Especially since I was trying to go into this as being fair to both of us? If he lawyers up, am I going to end up losing my kids? Like I said before, I don't think I'm a BAD mom, could I be better? Of course, I think all of us could. But I do everything I can to provide for them and work towards them building relationships around them and becoming great young men.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Awesome, I know that our high school has the NHS and that they do offer tutoring. Can he be the only one to decide on holding him back? Wouldn't it be the school board's decision? And do I get a say at all? I know he just went through the graduation ceremony and received a certificate that stated he had been certified for promotion to high school.

So how likely is he going to win against the "status quo" and prove that I'm an unfit mother by those couple of things? He would complain that I didn't cut the boys fingernails (petty) and that he is almost holding down my oldest forcing him to cut his hair that isn't long (i almost think borderline rude, especially when he tells him he looks like white trash if it's over an inch long)? Do those things count against me? I guess I'm trying to find out what the court will see as me being a bad mom and what's just going to be seen as stupid?

Especially since I was trying to go into this as being fair to both of us? If he lawyers up, am I going to end up losing my kids? Like I said before, I don't think I'm a BAD mom, could I be better? Of course, I think all of us could. But I do everything I can to provide for them and work towards them building relationships around them and becoming great young men.

hair length = parenting style
fingernails = parenting style

What he's going to land up sounding like is an overbearing you know what ...

 

[nanu156]

The allegations are about emotional abuse from dad right? Not about physical abuse, not about home conditions correct?

I would advise (having been in your shoes, when the allegations about the other parent were much worse) as well as my then wife and I were fully investigated by CPS about the death of her son, who died in my care from a head trauma (that happened in someone else's care days before) exacerbated by a vascular problem.

So both my my CPS experiences were positive, they told me when they were coming out, they came out looked in the fridge looked at bedrooms petted my animals and sat at the kitchen table with me and drank coffee and talked.

Then they left. Even in the case of my stepson it wasn't an interrogation like situation.

The ages of your sons will also probably help, I would guess CPS will talk more directly with them, I haven't been involved with them when there was a child in the home who could accurately articulate things but i would venture to say they they mostly want to see that your home is reasonably safe and talk to your son.

An atty can give you legal advice on the CPS thing, I don't know that it is wise to force them to get a warrant and only speak to your atty seems to imply you have something to hide.

Just my two cents for what it's worth.

 

[helpinca]

I guess the DCS is really on the back burner for me right at the moment. No one has come knocking on my door, and I'm just making sure that all of the dust bunnies are swept up . I spoke with an atty on Wednesday about it and he told me to just relax, if DCS comes, let them in, I don't have anything to hide. He also said to try and make friends with them so that they feel like you are a personable person. Weird, but hey, he's the lawyer. And yes, it's emotional and mental abuse that the psychologist is concerned about. I know I may not have acted correctly in the courts eyes, but last night asked my kids if they feel like I try to make them feel ill about their father. They both said no, that it's usually the other way. They said I try to explain why he does what he does in a nice way, and if they don't like it I tell them too bad. We do have a very open relationship where they DON'T mind telling me if they think I'm wrong. Doesn't mean I do what they say, just giving you an idea of our relationship. I just wanted to make sure with the things he is saying to them that I'm not overstepping.

I don't agree with how he treats them, however, I understand that's considered parenting style and I get a zero opinion about it. I'm not sure if it's ok that he's "forcing" my oldest to get his hair cut, the psychologist stated that it's a way of breaking down his identity, similar to the military. Funny, my ex was never in it.

My biggest concern is the custody. It's not the money (would be nice, but I've done it this long with zero help from him). It was supposed to be about being fair to both of us as parents. I know he thinks that things should always be his way, and he tries spinning it to sound like he's truly concerned for the boys. But if he was, wouldn't he have been trying to be a more active part other than every other weekend and every other holiday? I had offered previously to him to come one night a week, pick them up from school, take them to the library, park, dinner, whatever. He did it for about three weeks and then backed off of it. The three projects he did complete with my sons, they both got C's or worse on, so he's not exactly Mr. Education himself. I just don't want to lose my kids, they are my world. So realistically, what are his chances for taking them from me?