disciplining a stepchild

[kel4377]

What is the name of your state?
New York

I am a stepparent of a 4 year old child that does not listen to anyone for anything!!! She does, however, listen to me. Whenever I am around, she acts very well, but when I leave the room and she's with daddy, she doesn't listen to him at all. I discipline her, unlike her mother and daddy tries to, although it doesn't work that well. She has learned that if she acts out, throws temper tantrums, hits other people, she will get spanked. She has only acted out like maybe twice with us in the past 2 years, and I had to spank her before. Her mother is now taking my husband to court saying that she doesn't want her there when he's not around, like when he's working, because she doesn't trust me with her. She's basically saying I'm beating her. I would NEVER hurt that child like that. Yes, I have spanked her, but that's all, and like I said before, not since like last year. She has no proof of any physical or mental abuse from the child being around us, which she will never get any proof because none of that is going on. She also wants our visits with the child to be supervised. On what grounds does she have for any of this??? Like I said, she has no proof, there is none!!!!!! And for all you stepparents out there, have you ever had to spank or discipline your stepchild???

 

[craftymom]

What is the name of your state?
New York

I am a stepparent of a 4 year old child that does not listen to anyone for anything!!! She does, however, listen to me. Whenever I am around, she acts very well, but when I leave the room and she's with daddy, she doesn't listen to him at all. I discipline her, unlike her mother and daddy tries to, although it doesn't work that well. She has learned that if she acts out, throws temper tantrums, hits other people, she will get spanked. She has only acted out like maybe twice with us in the past 2 years, and I had to spank her before. Her mother is now taking my husband to court saying that she doesn't want her there when he's not around, like when he's working, because she doesn't trust me with her. She's basically saying I'm beating her. I would NEVER hurt that child like that. Yes, I have spanked her, but that's all, and like I said before, not since like last year. She has no proof of any physical or mental abuse from the child being around us, which she will never get any proof because none of that is going on. She also wants our visits with the child to be supervised. On what grounds does she have for any of this??? Like I said, she has no proof, there is none!!!!!! And for all you stepparents out there, have you ever had to spank or discipline your stepchild???

Well, since you asked.....
I have never, not one single time, ever spanked my step-children. They are not mine to spank.

As for discipline? Sure!
Examples:

Write " I will not _____" however many times is appropriate
to age and/or behavior

Stand in corner for certain period of time

Sit on bed, w/o tv, games, whatever for certain period of time

Do 'X' amount of push-ups or sit-ups

Miss out on small family activity (such as playground after dinner)

Go to bed early

Write a paragraph describing the bad behavior. Tell why it was bad, how it affects other people, and list three ways the situation could have been handled better. (when age appropriate, of course)

 

[stealth2]

As a stepparent, you're a legal stranger. Which means you have no right to strike the child under any circumstances. I can tell you that if I ever heard of my kids stepmom striking them for ANY reason - I'd have her and the ex back in court so fast their heads would still be spinning when the walked into the courtroom.

You have absolutely no right to lay a hand on the child. None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

 

[kel4377]

Well, I guess everyone grows up differently because as a stepchild myself, I was spanked, not often, by my stepmother/stepfather or was disciplined by them. My stepdaughter is ONLY disciplined when she is with us, meaning that she does whatever she wants with her mother. Basically she runs her life and acts out ALL the time with her. She has told us she can't handle her, which I don't think is right for a parent to say about their child(ren). If she can't handle raising her, maybe someone else should. When she comes to pick her up from our house and tries to put her in the car, she jumps out of the car and runs across the lawn, not wanting to leave, she screams at her, hits/kicks her. Now, you're telling me that she's raising her right? Like I said before, she acts very good with us because when we tell her no, she knows not to ask again. I know it's not my child to spank, and I haven't done it since that one time and would leave it up to my husband to do it in the future, but if she is throwing a tantrum in my home while my husband is not there, and kicks and hits and pinches me, that is why she got spanked.

 

[stealth2]

Neither the mother nor the father are raising her right. But that's beside the point. As is whether or not you were spanked by your stepparents, the preacher-man, your teachers, or a stranger living across town. LEGALLY you have no right to touch the child and physically discipline her. If the mother takes you to court, it is more likely than not that you will be barred from doing so. She could also report you to CPS. The parents can spank her, but you may not. It really is that simple. If you don't believe me, go pay a lawyer for an hour of his/her time and ask them.

 

[kel4377]

Thanks, and like I said I haven't done it since that time last year and wouldn't do it again. And anyways, she 99% of the time acts good when she's with me, really she does. I don't know what the father and mother aren't doing right, but something needs to be done or else this child is going to be uncontrollable when she grows up. She's going to run her mothers life, just like her mother ran her owns moms life. I guess how you grow up is how you know to raise your own child. Some people are brought up disciplined and respectful and others aren't.

 

[MamaLlama]

if one of the parents gives the care taker (in this case a step mother) permission to spank in appropriate situations how is that illegal? How is that different from a principal spanking a child? Corporal punishment still does occur in some states.

 

[kel4377]

That's what I thought. If my husband allows me to discipline her while I watch her, then it is okay. And like I said, whenever we are together, she acts very good with me! I think if the courts want to see how she acts, they need to sit there while she's with all 3 of us, separately, and then they'll see who she acts good with.......cause it's sure not her mommy or daddy.

 

[stealth2]

if one of the parents gives the care taker (in this case a step mother) permission to spank in appropriate situations how is that illegal? How is that different from a principal spanking a child? Corporal punishment still does occur in some states.

Not if one of the parents has a problem with it. The court can and will draw the line with a stranger physically punishing a child.

 

[kel4377]

First of all, I'm not a stranger. I have helped raise this child since my husband and I have been together. How do you think it's right to just stand there and let a child hit and kick all over you and not do anything about it??? I'm not going to stand for that in my house, she knows better than that.

 

[stealth2]

LEGALLY you are a stranger. And her FATHER should be the one disciplining her if it requires a spanking (tho there are much better ways to discipline a child, IMO).

 

[kel4377]

You're right, he should be the one disciplining her when he is there. I don't get involved at all when he is home because that is his daughter, but when he is working and not there to discipline her, I am responsible for watching her, and I'm not going to just sit there and let her hit and kick and pinch me like the one time that I had to spank her for acting like that. Other times when she'll maybe get mouthy, I just sit down with her and talk to her explaining that it's wrong to speak to an adult like that, and sometimes she sits up in her room until she's ready to say sorry.

 

[stealth2]

Fair enough. But when/if Mom does take you to court for spanking the child, be prepared for a telling off.

 

[tigger22472]

I'm just glad that neither mom or dad have a problem with me disciplining (sp) sd and yes it has included spanking. Mom doesn't spank but knows dad does(not to the point of beating) and we all accept each others ways of discipline.

 

[stealth2]

And as long as neither has a problem, that's fine. As soon as one of them (more likely Mom) does - you're on touchy ground.