disciplining a stepchild

[ChristinaR]

Wiggy keep on believing that! I'm a CASA, have my degree in Social work and work closely with CPS everyday, If you were reported to CPS you probably would be facing a world of hurt, Not to mention putting the fathers rights at risk, You are not a biological parent you have no right to hit the child, even if you consider it just a swat or a slap its still abuse.

I am also a step mother to a fifteen year old boy, He has been in my life for 3 years now and I have never laid my hands on him to discipline nor would I ever dream of doing so.

"Popping, slapping with an open hand, and spanking are ALL a form of hitting and abuse. " -- THIS IS YOUR OPINION - EVERYONE HAS ONE - SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO OVEREACT ABOUT THINGS.

that statement is just plane ignorant. Ask any police officer, CPS worker or judge, they will explain your rights to you on the way to jail or to try to terminate the fathers rights.

 

[dakoto70]

I am a cp

I am a cp and a ncp and my daughters father was with a woman for 6 years. This woman took care of her Like I did and my daughter also called her mom and I told this woman, who had every thing to do with helping raise my daughter that if my daughter needed to be spanked than she could spank her. I can count on one hand how many times either one of us spanked her. Maybe you people had a bad experience with Step parents and your children but I didn't and don't see a problem with her discyplining my daughter and her step daughter.

 

[VG1013]

What Christina said is true....it's against the law to touch a child, open handed, lightly tap or whatever you like to call it wiggy...it's considered abuse in the eyes of the law. You may not consider it abuse.....but the law says it is.

""A SM is an effective stranger..." ---- MAYBE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD, BUT NOT MINE -- MY SS CALLS ME HIS PRINCESS, AND I AM THE ONE RAISING HIM NOT THE BM -- I AM HARDLY A STRANGER TO THAT CHILD. WHEN HE HAS BAD DREAMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HE CALLS MY NAME, NOT HIS BD OR BM - MINE! STRANGER???? HAHAHAHAHAHA -- DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOKES! Wiggy...do you always react like that when someone doesn't agree with you? My My...are you having an temper tantrum? This is exactly what I was talking about lol. Can you not have a constructive conversation without having a fit? If this is your display of how you react when you don't get your way...this too will rub off on all of your children....PRINCESS!

 

[stealth2]

MAYBE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD, BUT NOT MINE

Maybe in your household, but NOT IN THE EYES OF THE LAW! What part of that is difficult to understand, Wig?

 

[ellencee]

Here is what IAAL said in a previous thread and I'm fairly sure that each state has a similarly stated law:

§ 6601. Enforcement of minor's rights by civil proceeding
..... A parent may properly exercise certain authority over a minor child that would be tortious if directed toward someone else. For example, a parent may spank a child who has misbehaved without being liable for battery, or may, as punishment, order the child to stay in its room temporarily without being liable for false imprisonment. Gibson v Gibson (1971) 3 Cal 3d 914, 92 Cal Rptr 288, 479 P2d 648. [/B][/QUOTE]

The statute is plain, clear, and unambiguous. The word "parent" does not include the word "stepparent." As we already know from prior discussions, a "stepparent" (as is our writer) has no protections under the law; i.e., he is a "legal stranger" to his stepdaughter. If the California Legislature intended to protect "stepparents" (or other family members), the Legislature could have easily stated so - - but didn't. Therefore, and since the statute is clear, he has no immunity from criminal or civil prosecution under the cited Statute.

 

[kel4377]

Well, I guess everyone's situation is different. Not one of us is going to fully agree with the other. Some people think spanking is bad, others don't, and it'll be like that forever. I was spanked when I was younger, my brothers as well, and we grew up perfectly fine. As a matter of fact, my mother used to break wooden spoons over my brothers.......now that's the old days. That's something I would never think of doing, to anyone, no matter how bad they act. As for spanking my SD, it happened that one time last year, so why is the BM bringing it up now???? Well, like I said because she's jealous, miserable, alone, and wants to do anything she can to make us miserable too. She does put her personal feelings ahead of everything else, even sometimes ahead of her daughter. She uses that little girl like nothing else, and will until she's old enough to realize what her mother is doing. For all you SM's out there that get along with the BM's, God Bless you all!!!!! I wish mine and my husband's life was that easy. That'll be the day when she acts like a decent human being. And like I said before, if the BM and BD can't discipline and raise my SD, then I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she's raised well and doesn't grow up to be a bratty, out of control teenager. That doesn't mean I beat her or abuse her, definitely not, but when I spanked her it was for a reason. You're all telling me that if one of your SD or SS threw a temper tantrum and started hitting, kicking, pinching, etc. towards you, you're just gonna stand there and take it??????? I highly doubt that. Putting your child into the corner after doing something like that sure isn't going to work. And like I said, my SD and I have an understanding with eachother, that's why she acts so good when we're together. No means no, and that's that. She knows who she can get away with things with, and she knows it's not me.

 

[VG1013]

Kel4377...Although I disagree with the hitting part...or should I say spanking lol. I do understand where your coming from, but it still doesn't make it right or legal. To answer a question you asked in your post..."You're all telling me that if one of your SD or SS threw a temper tantrum and started hitting, kicking, pinching, etc. towards you, you're just gonna stand there and take it??????? I highly doubt that."

The answer is yes and no. I wouldn't stand there and take, but I wouldn't touch the child either. I would make sure I put a pillow or something in front of her hands and feet...so she cannot pinch, hit, or kick me. She will get tired of it eventually...and being she's smaller than me and only a child, she will tire sooner than I would. I just don't believe physical discipline is the answer. And, if my ex's wife or anyone for that matter...ever put their hands on my kids...I would take their a$$es to court in a heartbeat. My ex's wife was told this...she knew I was serious, so we never had a problem in that area. She used mental abuse on my kids to make up for not hitting them. But that too was dealt with...MY way, in person. She never did it again. We got along just fine...if there was a problem with my children after that, she would call me and tell me. I would handle it...that's the agreement we made after the mental abuse episode. Like I said in my other post...I am a SM too, and no one was wilder than my SS, and I never put my hands on him. He would try to hit me or bite me...I still didn't touch him. I just made him get tired of trying lol. It wore off after a while...and his dad took care of him.

 

[haiku]

Good lord, if I were alone with my step child and she were to pitch such a hissy that it endangered me, I would leave the area, making sure she is not going to damage herself , phone my husband, and if he was not around, break down and phone thier mother, and tell them they had a major problem on thier hands!!! Sure as heck not take it upon myself to discipline a child that is not only not mine, but does not even live with me regularly, its thier problem, and primarily the PARENT who has the day to day to deal with. If the child is that "bad" fo rme to deal with I should not be responsible, and my husband either needs to be home, or make other arrangements with mom.

I would not expect a babysitter or anyone else to touch my own kids, and I would become "stepmother-bear" protecting my 'stepcubs" if a sitter I hired touched my steps too.

my OWN child is going through a "stage" right now, and I spend a lot of time in 123 timeouts, (I don't like "hitting") and lots of time discussing plans of action with her dad, my husband, because it is OUR job and no one elses to teach her proper behaviour.

 

[kel4377]

VG103-I agree with you and that's why I haven't spanked her since that one time. I told my husband after that, if she acted out he could deal with it or I just was going to make her stay in her room until he got home to deal with it. Like you said it's not my child, if it was, she wouldn't be acting like that. It's bad enough she isn't disciplined by her mother, that's why she acts like she does. And I would call her if I was having a problem with her, but we just don't get along. Like I said before, she's jealous, miserable, and is NOT a very nice person. She's just mad at the fact that she can't run my husband's life anymore, since they're not together. So, she takes it out on the daughter and uses her for anything. What kind of parent is that???? I would never use my daughter against my husband for anything. Guess everyone is different!!

 

[VG1013]

VG103-I agree with you and that's why I haven't spanked her since that one time. I told my husband after that, if she acted out he could deal with it or I just was going to make her stay in her room until he got home to deal with it. Like you said it's not my child, if it was, she wouldn't be acting like that. It's bad enough she isn't disciplined by her mother, that's why she acts like she does. And I would call her if I was having a problem with her, but we just don't get along. Like I said before, she's jealous, miserable, and is NOT a very nice person. She's just mad at the fact that she can't run my husband's life anymore, since they're not together. So, she takes it out on the daughter and uses her for anything. What kind of parent is that???? I would never use my daughter against my husband for anything. Guess everyone is different!!

~~~I can relate to your situation, my husband's ex was the same way lol. But I never allowed her the satisfaction of getting to me...and in time, she stopped trying. It's good you haven't spanked the child again...the BM sounds like a time bomb ready to go off lol. Don't be her target...don't give her a reason to take you and your husband to court for abuse. I know it's hard to watch a child take a tantrum, she's looking for attention...and I'll bet anything, she acts the same way with her mom lol. Teach her that tantrums & hitting will NOT get her the attention she wants. It really works, but it takes time...you have to be patient. I raised 2 boys...I know lol. Good luck

 

[kel4377]

Yeah, thanks. Luck is what we need with the BM. I just don't understand why she acts the way she does. Oh, believe me, she doesn't get the best of me!!! She doesn't bother me anymore, I actually think it's kind of funny how she acts. She just needs to grow up. My SD is normally good when she's with us, but she acts BAD with her. But it's the BM fault because she doesn't do anything about it. The other night when I wasn't home, my SD was so bad with BD that he had to spank her. And then she kept it going, said to him, "Say you're sorry. Louder, I can't hear you." Now, is that something a well-behaved, normal child would say?????? Not her, but that's because she gets it from her mother, that's why. Pretty sad, huh???

 

[plumuniq]

Court Order

Recently, I've been going through custody battle with ex over my 3 1/2 year old Daughter. He has temp. custody. He lives with his
parents. I was there all of June and the first week of July. I saw how it was. It ticked me off.
They told me that they could tell I'd never disciplined her in her
3 years, because she said the word, "No," and therefore I needed to spank her until she hurt and make her feel it, to cry to do any good. THEY had straightened her out in the month they'd had her before I'd arrived.
OOOOOGrrrfrrrrrrr.
They showed me a ping-pong paddle, and paint stick (my husband
(soon to be ex) and FIL are painters. I only use my hand for an
occasional swat, and a sense of humor. They told me I 'd never used a stern face since I'd been there.

Well, when the hearing came around, I wrote the Judge, as part
of an Exhibit (according to CA rules of Court), that they used these instruments and I didn't like it.
Guess what? In the Court Order, there was a line that stated

"No corporal punishment is to be used by anyone on this child."

Yeah!!!! I had gained a victory. At least I got that. A shot in their
face.

Years earlier, when I had to watch my ex's 3 boys, (wild) I was told I couldn't disciplinle them, yet I was supposed to make them mind. Try that on for size. I did anyway. Time outs-things like that...I lost it maybe twice with a hand swat on the youngest
out of two years. That was it.
By contrast, by ex spanked my son with a belt, hit him in the stomach, legs, arms, etc....all the time. Pushed him away when he wanted a hug. To this day, his therapists has stated that all
that abuse was akin to physical abuse, and has caused him problems. Now, he has underhandedly (by ex-parte) taken my
3 1/2 yr. old back in July when I returned to AZ for a Dr.s appt.
Still fighting for her. I've seen her 8 hrs in two months now.
I cared for her all her life, and somehow my ex 66 yr. old MIL thinks she's a better care taker.
I was sick of her swatting her all the time, and I won that victory.

Sorry to ramble. Perhaps, if you write the court yourself (through your husband's case)-beat her to the puch so to speak...or if she takes you, you could tell the court that the child is being spanked with an object and undisciplined at home. Of course, I don't know-it has to be true.
That way, NO ONE can effect any corporal punishment, including
her, and you can be watching her by the same token.
If nothing else, just describe the behavior you observe around you, and around her...and that you only use other means of disclipline. Have it sealed by a Judge, through your husband's
case of course. Just a thought. I could way off.
Hope this helped a little. Good luck. Keep up the faith. Pam

 

[Wiggy Ex]

OK -- when two people have a child together but they are divorced, and they both have joint legal custody, and the BD gives permission to the SM to "lightly spank" the child when SM is taking care of him --- what then??? is it still not allowed? when the father has equal rights to child and says while child is in his care or SM care that he can be disiplined??

 

[kel4377]

Who knows Wiggy, I thought that is was fine, but guess not. My husband, the BD, didn't have a problem with me spanking his daughter. And the BM never told me I couldn't discipline or spank her until after the fact.

 

[davidlaska]

violent physical contact has the chance for errors

I don,t mean violence with intentions of harm, but vigorous movement that spanking needs (otherwise it is patting). I find that once in while, perfectly choreographed physical actions are prone to error and sometimes causing injury (even the cat trips at times). The risk of physical injury is what children are protected from. You would be unhappy if the child got hurt. The only exception to use violence is when you injure the child, anyone witnessing it saw that you just saved the child from a bigger injury. (yanking a child from an oncoming vehicle which results in saving his life and a displaced shoulder).
Disciplining is very difficult without the support of others present and so much easier with just one adult backup. One on one is not smooth sailing nor difficult. (This last part is my opinion only.)

If in doubt (or others doubt), don,t spank!